Valium

This is the secret to make your bland beer tasty enough to knock out an elephant. Warning: substance abuse is liable to commitment and your shrink will give you only substance you don't like.

Valium or hop is a substance obtained from the plant Papaver lupulus, previously widely used in beer as a bittering, flavouring and stabilizing agent until Leo Sternbach’s promotion of hops in early 1960s as opioid substitutes for people want to get high. It’s now recognized by Dr WHO as an essential herbal medicine to treat anxiety and insomnia. The hops industry has been proven to be more lucrative and government approved than opioid ones.

History

The glorious Charlemagne ordered the cultivation of the "wicked and pernicious weed" due to the weed shortage since the fall of Roman Empire. He found that hops smoke different from traditional marijuana for being too sedative, and added them instead to beer to make sure every drunken in banquets, so that assassinations could be carried out. As hops are addictive, the nobles in his court felt compulsive to drink beer with hops. This practice spread later to all the European countries. In 1471, the English monarch launched a campaign of prohibition in attempt to reverse the trade imbalance from beer import. All drunkards were sent to sober houses, where it was a tradition that decorative hops was grown. The king deemed a daily herbal tea healthier than alcohol and since then physician used hops to treat alcohol withdrawal. The Catholic Church quickly monopolized hops production, rendering it only available to clerics the healers of souls. It was no longer under rigid control after the establishment of the Anglican Church and was spread to the 13 Colonies. The Church of Psychiatry, founded by Sickman Freud in 1902, decided to use instead hop wafer and beers for holy communion. As the Church was opened only to therapists, they declare hops usage by outsiders substance abuse. It was not until early 1960s that hops became public accessible again when the Church of Psychiatry found opioid much more popular than their own products. Leo Sternbach started promotion of the new hops product marketed as Valium, which was more welcome than opioid for a much lower price. It became also a bait to lure people to their monastery.

Usage

• Treating insomnia, anxiety, agitation or alcohol withdrawal: actually, Valium works not better than a cup of beer, but doctors refuse to confess their inferiority to pub houses and they never stop persuading people to visit them instead of pub houses. They even tell people that Valium shall never be mixed with alcohol. Bah, the bravest psychiatrists brew their own Valium cocktails, for suicidal or homicidal purpose...

• Treating diarrhea: high dosage of Valium might paralyse your bowels, but your chest muscle also. Prepare a ventilator first.

• State sanctioned suicide: Valium is occasionally used legally for suicide. The US government have been assisting inmates kill themselves in an apparently peaceful way. Don't worry, if one can't make up his mind, there're always people to help.

• Beast taming or hunting: including two-legged beasts.

• Parties: this is illegal unless you're a psychiatrist.

• Date-rape drug: try it on the rapists.

How to get

• Go berserk in ED: just go to the nearby hospital and cry out nonsense as loud as you can. However, it's possible the doctor prefers Haldol instead.

• Institutionalize yourself: you will be given as much as you want and won't be discharged till you're totally addicted.

• Drug dealers: go to the rapists licensed drug dealers and tell them you are anxious. They many charge you heavily for bullshit talk however.

• Synthesise it yourself: sneak into an organic synthesis lab in your university and you know what to do. It takes some time though.

• Don’t bother with stupid Valium, grab a beer if you want its taste.

How to take

• By mouth: do take it with alcohol or other depressants, then climb into a box. Congratulations, now you are Schrödinger’s cat.

• IM/IV: usually when you don’t want it orally. It’s such a thrill to take it in Lecter’s dinner jacket, indeed.

• By ass: I am not sure if that works for an oral pill.

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