User:EMC/Shit music

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An evident result of listening to shit music.

Shit music is the scientific and medical term for music that causes constant involuntary bowel movements. It can be predominantly found on MTV and found on iPods of high school students. It is known to create doubt, loss of faith, loss of virginity, impotence and A&R psychic meltdown (whatever that is). Here are a few examples of shit music:

Green Day

So this band has always sucked; only after their release of "American Idiot" did they prove how much they truly did. In fact, scientists the world over were amazed that one band could fit such a high level of pure shit on one optical disc. Of course, to top off the continuous bowel movements they forced to come out of speakers and amplifiers, Billie Joe Armstrong decided to get a sex change, finally becoming a woman, as evident in these before and after images:

Mr. Armstrong, prior to the realization of his own inherent gayness.

Ms. Armstrong, after the surgery in which he was changed into a woman! Holy SHIT!

Fall Out Boy

Fall Out Boy (you know you're punk when your band's name is an esoteric reference to a superhero

Yes, he’s the bass player. THE BASS PLAYER! They are not in the front!

sidekick from The Simpsons) is a band, comprised of a singer who can't sing, a guitarist and a drummer who never say anything, and an egocentric bass guitarist/lyricist who never shuts up. He also has a douchebag hairdo. They're also known to go duhh tuuhh in a leleurah. They also are watching you two from the closet, wishing to be the friction in your jeans. They also went into battle against the free peoples of Middle Earth at the Battles of the Hornburg and before the Black Gate, in service of their dark lord, Dave Thomas.

Kenny G

Kenny G is perhaps the shittiest musician of all time. He claims his music is "jazz", but it's nothing more than fake music for weaklings who can't understand real music. Pat Metheny, a drugged-up hippy who plays the guitar too loud, said of Kenny G:

“ He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist in an ensemble, and he ain't black so he can't play shit anyway. But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs - never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again). The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, played horribly out of tune - consistently sharp. ”

Recently, Kenny G dubbed his cat-strangling saxophone over a song by legendary pimp Louis Armstrong. What a bastard.

My Chemical Romance

This all-female band started in the suburbs of Jersey, a totally completely rad hardcore place to grow up. It was originally started by lead vocalist can't-sing-worth-a-shit, Gerard Way, and his her incest lover, Mikey Way. With two years of instrument lessons, and less than a month of rehearsal, they surprisingly made it big with such songs with no meaning as "Helena" and "I'm Not Gay (I Promise)", although all of these songs lacked any form of musical talent or effort what-so-ever. They are also well known for their chaotic and pointless music videos (i.e. a funeral that turns into a musical, etc.). Though they are often called “MCR” for short, they have also been referred to as:

• The band that I listen to when I take a dump.
• That one group with that one guy who sings like a dying grue.
• The shitty band.
• Jimbo Wales’ favorite band.
• Lastly, if a person makes a statement such as, “this fucking sucks”, they are probably listening to My Chemical Romance.

My Chemical Romance has also been romantically linked to Michael Jackson. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson denies it, stating, "My Chemical Romance...I never did anything with those young ladies. I mean, they're ladies for God's sake!" On a side note, Gerard Way and Michael Jackson are both strikingly similar in appearance. Below are two side-by-side contrasts between the two musicians. Draw your own conclusions:

Comparison One
An actual shot of Gerard Way, dressed like a moron.	An infamous shot of Michael Jackson. The similarities are obvious.
Comparison Two
Once again, Gerard Way. This time in a suit dress with a tie.	Mr. Jackson, in a suit and tie as well.

Hawthorne Heights live in concert! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Panic! At the Disco, also live in concert! 8===D

Genres

• Emo
• Screamo
• Post-hardcore alternative rock (whatever the hell that is).
• Speed metal
• Metalcore
• Rap
• Disco
• Mainstream
• Pop
• Pop-punk
• Ska

So What is “Shit Music”?

Shit music is an actual music genre. It’s synonymous with the genres listed above. Here are few obvious signs that something is shit music:

Chuck Schuldiner says "stop listening to shit music now or this will be your blood on our faces!"

A band/artist is considered “shit music” if…

• all of the members share pants and shop together.
• the lyrics are too fucking hard to figure out due to various grammatical mistakes, shitty vocals, and/or the lyrics being simply meaningless mixture of words (see ad-lib).
• they (the band members) don’t know the meaning of the term “guitar solo”.
• they originated from a suburb (a majority of shit music artists come from the suburbs. Exception to the rule: Nirvana; but they can be blamed for this much needed ruling.).
• it is played on MTV.
• it is played on MTV2.
• it is played on MTV3.
• the members wear makeup (i.e. eyeliner). Exception to the rule: Phil Collins Mötley Crüe Kiss Anything before 1991.
• they have a pretentious vocalist by the shit name of "Bono".
• they state Black Sabbath as an influence, but wouldn't tell Iron Man from Spiderman.
• none of the members know how to tune a guitar.
• they advertise for themselves and ask blatantly for votes on TRL or other obvious fan support.
• they sound shitty (obviously).
• the band is named "Fall Out Boy".
• the band is named "HIM".
• they sing about rainbows Exception to the rule: Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow and Ronnie James Dio's Rainbow in the Dark
• their lead singer sounds like a five year kid being fucked while singing. Yeah, you know you what I'm talking about, sick FUCKING bastard, I KNOW you like to touch your thingy while looking at child porn when you listen to Green Day. Please don't do it anymore, would you?
• they whine so much you'd rather be with your six-year old cousin
• Anything that refers to my penis (I mean seriously, a lot of musicians write about my penis).
• they mention cutting their wrists in their so called lyrics.
• the singer looks and/or sounds like a girl. Exception to the rule: Freddie Mercury
• old school rap is "da shit", but modern rap is more like "shit, da"
• If it makes Fall Out Boy look good
• not knowing that Led Zeppelin could PWN them.
• being a "punk band" with a lead singer that doesn't sound like Joe Strummer or the Stiff Little Fingers singer (Social Distortion is the singular exception).
• claim to be influenced by "death metal" but do not know who Chuck Schuldiner is.
• claim to be influenced by "death metal" period.
• they got their break on American Idol.

How It Happens

Morphine, one of the only known treatments for shit music.

Some of you may be wondering just how this type of music causes bowel movements; some of you may even be suggesting that it's anatomically impossible. Dr. Zhivago and Cecil explain that it is first caused when the ears pick up the sound waves. The precise arrangement of rhythm shit, bass shit, and pitch more shit found in shit music irritates the Eustachian tube in the ear, causing a complete loss of controlled pressure in the pharynx. It's unknown after that what happens, but it does happen, and it will happen to you lest you let yourself listen to such horrid sounds. It has also been termed "the brown noise", and is nothing like white noise or the blues.

It has been recognized as a national epidemic. Currently, there is no cure for shit music. One of the only known treatments available are large supplements of morphine and LSD. Even if there are no signs or symptoms of an outbreak, it is still possible to pass shit music to a partner.

Another suggested treatment is to listen to Holosync Technologies or talk to a DJ, but this is costly, and may take years to begin to assist in reprogramming already severely damaged motor neuron functioning in the brain. There is a danger that shit music may inadvertently snap the corpus collosum and render the listener bi-polar. Once shit music has been detected, medical advice is to run in the opposite direction without making it obvious to anyone what you are doing. Do this silently, like a meditation to release the pressure in your mind. If all else fails, stop listening to all music for awhile and start your own band, or otherwise, listen to Steely Dan for 25 consecutive hours.

Symptoms

Here are a few symptoms of one who listens to shit music:

• have slit wrists/scar tissue on the wrists.
• wearing dark eyeliner.
• going to Wikipedia.org.
• drawing/wearing "heartagrams".
• excessively writing on MySpace about going to "shows", the likes of which sucked.
• the inability to survive a mosh pit.
• becoming bisexual overnight.
• putting holes in jeans for "fashion".
• using "<3", ever.
• dying your hair black.
• writing poetry.
• after all of the above, wonders why people don't "get them".
• reading Naked Lunch and claims it's the best book ever.
• thinking Stairway to Heaven is a "lame Christian-rock song"

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