☯ and
YTTE haven't finished this article yet.
Nothing to see here, carry on.
All right, let's face the facts: your life sucks. Every day you feel like someone's shitting on you. When you wake up you feel a fleeting moment of joy and eagerness. But all too quickly you remember the sad details of your life and instantly your head explodes in a painful headachey protest. You have no friends. So who do you turn to? Well, of course, you turn to something you can rely on: the internet. For years the internet has provided you with laughter, videos, games, fun, hassle-free shopping, super fun and money. So why can't it provide you with a life and with friends? It can be the brother, mother, father and sister you never had. But that's the thing: even on the internet, your existence is futile. They ignore you.
Fortunately for you and your loved ones, your constant state of loneliness and self-hate hasn't forced you to drastic measures, yet. However, like lonely off-shore rocks eroded by the constant pulsing of the waves of apathy, you have been worn down over the years. As time has passed, you've begun to become a psychopath - the sort of psychopath who craves attention beyond all other mortal joys. If you don't have attention, you'll wilt.
So what do you do? It's obvious that reality has all but crushed you, and do you really want to potter around as a mediocre member of this forum and an average user of that site? The sort of user who is routinely ignored. Well, do you?
There's one thing that's been scientifically tested. It's 100% effective and safe to use! You'll see the effects in days! But what is it, you cry?
It's faking your own death on the internet, of course!
No, don't act disgusted, you know you've always wanted to do it. It's been wandering around in the back of your mind, for quite some time. Your subconscious has always nagged away at you. Now, in clear steps, we're going to lay out the chance of a lifetime. It'll all be as clear as a giraffe juggling pears on a sunny Sunday afternoon. All you have to do is reach out with your bony fingers and grasp at it. Go on, grasp! GRASP, I tell you! GRASP AT IT! That's a pathetic effort, I see grasping is not your thing. Ah well. Hopefully, dying, will be. Let's hope you're good at something, eh?
Reasons To Fake Your Own Death[edit | edit source]
Putting aside the fact that real life has proven to be very difficult to gain attention in, consider these points:
- Nothing you ever do is going to get you anywhere near as much attention as cyber-suicide is guaranteed to get you. You could go to the moon and back and you still wouldn't get any attention. You could be ripped to pieces by a pack of rabbid dogs, and you'd struggle even to incite "meh"s. Maybe a few "lol"s but naught else. When you commit cyber-suicide, even if all the comments you get are "thank god he's gone", you'll be in the limelight.
- Once you've faked your own death you could spend a little more time with your family. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Just you and your family and a little bit of fun. Heh, what do you think? If you don't have a family, or if your family doesn't want to go anywhere near you, then you can amuse yourself at home with your dolls.
- The above point, about spending more time with your family, was of course a joke. You could, however, try training racoons to do tricks.
So you've decided to take the rocky, but ever so rewarding, path to internet suicide? Well, first thing's first. You have to decide the method by which you will to e-kill yourself. There's lots of methods to pick from, so roll up your sleeves, wank and prepare to make a decision. It's important that you pick the right death for you. If you come across as a shy user on your chosen site, then picking the "death by suicide bombing - great fireballs of doom and pain and death shall rain down on the infidels" option, is probably not the cleverest idea. Not that that's an option. Unless, if you've had experience in this, then - by all means - feel free to customise your method of cyber-suicide.
So here's a fairly definitive list of every method a online suicidist noob should choose from.
Sickness is a well rounded, but fairly plain choice. So let's have a a detailed look at what's so good and what's not so good about this option.
One of the best thing about sickness and diseases is that you can steadily build up the situation. It doesn't have to be a dramatic ending. You have the chance to be alive, while receiving sympathy. If you play your cards well, you'll quickly being hearing your username suffixed with "is such a strong person". Other members of the site will begin to fall over themselves to help you. People will leave you reassuring messages that will include lines such as "anything I can do", "you're coping brilliantly", "you've always been my favourite dying user on this site" and/or "you'll look sexy in this skirt". And if people start to become bored with your predicament you can easily set the fires of interest going again, by relating near death experiences.
There are, of course, some major downsides to sickness. It does take a fair bit of research, and since we know that you are not good at many things, it's highly likely that you do not exactly triumph in this area, either. Research can be boring and time consuming. And when you have such a busy life, like yours, you can't afford to waste time. However, this research can really be worth it.
It's critical that you stage the progression of your chosen disease carefully and with consideration for detail. Be mindful of using this method on medical websites, as medical websites are likely to have medical people on them who tend to have a certain expertise in the medical area (an area which is usually deemed to include sickness). You want to avoid being caught faking a disease, at all costs. At all costs. Trust me on that one.
Suicide is another fairly straightforward way to kill your iSelf. However, it can mark you down as an emo or another undesirable stereotype. Sympathy in some cases may also be limited, but despite this, suicide has a lot of upsides.
While the emo or goth stereotype may not suit your tastes, it does guarantee that you get other emos or goths supporting you (because it is a well known fact that emos and goths are always looking for a suicide to cry over). And you know, there's a whole fuckload of emos and goths on the internet. This emo/goth support will also, no doubt, generate lots of poems for you to laugh over. And laughter may avert you commit real suicide in real life.
The pre-amble to suicide is depression and this should be fairly easy to fake. Especially for a loser like you. If you build this depression stage up, a fair bit, then you could experience some of the benefits of sickness. You could receive encouraging messages and could be technically alive to receive your sympathy and fame. A useful tip you should remember is giving a reason for your depression, which is likely to cause even more sympathy (such as "both my parents died fighting conformists in 'Nam"). Everyone likes a depressed person. Everyone likes fighting conformism. Well, emos do. And everyone likes 'Nam. Well, no, they don't. But it's nice to drop it in. For effect. This statement could help evoke tears, sympathy or laughter.
Although you must be careful because you may start to receive hate from those people (it's common knowledge that those people are all over the internet, because they love its power for freedom of speech). However, a good dose of conservative hate can be good for the soul.
If you feel that a long build up is slightly too advanced for you and you just want to do the thing quickly and believably without too much hardwork then this is the perfect choice. An accident is an easy way to kill yourself off in one simple step and is fairly believable. It's a simple one time execution (pun pending). You could choose any accident that catches your imagination, from a car crash to falling over during sex. Choosing an accident will also give you instant results. If it's going to work, it'll work straight away, there's no worrying whether you build up is believable or build upy enough.
The main problem with choosing an accident lays in the pros. There's no build up to this little beautiful nutshell of a choice, which however means you get no prior sympathy. You're on your own until you're dead. There's no e-tears or bad poems with this one. It's band-dead-sympathy-end. There's also a risk of it all going past in a flash and no one actually giving a shit. Sorry.
Location, Location, Location[edit | edit source]
The forum, wiki or social shitworking site in which you choose to execute your e-personality is crucial to the process. For example, if the place you choose is very obscure or a place where nobody would give a damn about your tragic ending, obtaining internet stardom may prove impossible. So give this a little bit of thought. Does the site have:
- Users that care?
- A sizeable e-population?
And, remember. Whatever you do, don't pick a porn site. Let me repeat that. DON'T PICK A PORN SITE. Even if the porn site meets the above criteria, members may find it hard to believe that a friend of yours or a family member would take time logging onto a porn site to announce that you died. Think these things through, next time, okay?
[Notes To Self and YTTE -- NOT Part of Article]
All right, I got it set up. You should watchlist it or something. - ☯•♫•© 19:37 Apr 8
I have a feeling there maybe loads of talking here, but also since it's only between the two of us, I think the best system may be to put a horizontal rule (which you will find as the second thing from the right in the edit bar thing above the text edit box thingy (feel free to completely disagree with me and edit this all to your liking)) in-between each of our comments. OK, so where do we start with this thingy? Any ideas? Also i pretty-ed it up, so it is a pleasure to look at (A little bit). Oh and watched. - 09:02 8 AprilSir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
Sweet. Okay. I'm thinking on starting it out with a Reasons To Fake Your Death section or something, followed by picking the place where you'd have the biggest following and reaction to your death, then pros and cons of modes of death (illness, sudden accident, etc.). Think there's anything I'm missing? Also, I suck at opening and closing articles, so that part might have to be your job. - ☯•♫•© 20:13 Apr 8
Sounds good, let me just clear this up (with a tiny changes):
- (Opening Para)
- Reasons To Fake Your Own Death
- Location, Location, Location (Snazzy! Or we could just call it "Picking the Place" - whatever)
- Method
- Dealing With Loved Ones (are we going for just an internet death here or faking your entire death using the internet...if we're just doing an internet death we could change this to "Dealing With Loved Ones That Discover" or something more elegant)
- (Possibly:A Disclaimer in tiny writing, saying like "we didn't/aren't make/making you fake your own death" etc.)
...wow that was a piece of organisation, surprisingly written by me...me, organised? What has the world come to...So, comments on above sections things etc... - 09:21 8 AprilSir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
Yeah, I'm mostly referring to faking your death to an internet community, not using it to fake your death. The Dealing With Loved Ones section sounds good, but we should make the general aim of that section how to tell them through some miscellaneous family member, because, y'know, SOMEBODY has to know your Livejournal password and break the news to your knitting community the next day. - ☯•♫•© 20:25 Apr 8
Ah, Ok, revised:
- (Opening Para)
- Reasons To Fake Your Own Death
- Location, Location, Location (Snazzy! Or we could just call it "Picking the Place" - whatever)
- Method
- Breaking The News (so this would be "how to tell them through some miscellaneous family member, because, y'know, SOMEBODY has to know your Livejournal password and break the news to your knitting community the next day." - as you so nicely put it)
- Troubleshooting (this could cover hiccups during the process possibly, such as maybe, someone going to this forum who knows you and going "wait a sec, I spoke to him on the phone on Saturday!")
- (Possibly:A Disclaimer in tiny writing, saying like "we didn't/aren't make/making you fake your own death" etc.)
...? - 09:24 8 AprilSir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
Good! I like it a lot. You've laid this out way better than I could have. Usually I just type until I run out of stuff to think, then go back and make it coherent. Oh, I love your section titles, by the way. - ☯•♫•© 20:33 Apr 8
Ok, good! That's what I usually do. If we're going for a VFH we should definitely lay this out carefully. I recommend (although this sounds maybe too much that we now attempt to outline the basic structure of each section as well as maybe listing a few lines, sentence(s) ideas...
- (Opening Para)
- First line could be something like: "Have you ever wandered what it would be like to fake your own death to your <insert funny online community here> community? Have you ever wandered if you'd get kicks from it?" maybe...
- Reasons To Fake Your Own Death
- Something funny along the lines of the community cyber-bullying you, for the kicks, you want to see what people really thought about you etc.
- Method <Moved, this is more important than the place, me thinks
- Possible Cluedo (OMG, there's no Cluedo page, must remember that!) related joke? Unfunny example: Yourself with the fish (erm that was the first thing that came to my head) in the forum.
- Location, Location, Location
- "If you're going to fake your own death then you need to start it in an appropriate place. Starting the rumour on a site only used by yourself and <insert funny list items here> isn't really going to help." Hmm...these lines haven't been miraculously funny so far, hmm...'
- Breaking The News
- (That is how to do it realistically)
- Troubleshooting
- Could pick a violent video game and then go for something like "Didn't know your granny was an ace at <violent video game>?" - not funny but could be inserted somewhere for the absurdity or whatever.
- Disclaimer
- There could be a warning here about: "You risk being rejected from your community if you botch the job, so don't botch it!"
Oh and there is possibility for lots of use of {{USERNAME}} template, depending on the style we chose for this article. - 09:50 8 AprilSir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
Guhhh. I hate {{USERNAME}}. If we use it, it should probably be sparingly.
Anyway, my ideas for lines, etc., listed in your layout format. We can combine away or whatnot when we get to the actual writing part. - ☯•♫•© 21:17 Apr 8
Ok, below I've put a the layout section thing for both of us to edit. Above I've put the sections in the article for the fun of it. Also, below, I'v added an image section, so if you think of any images you want I can do a bit of photochopping, or we can put it here or whatever. - 10:08 8 AprilSir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
Planning Layout Section Thing - No point continuously copying it back and forth, just edit it here...
- (Opening Para)
- I'm thinking of the paragraph being basically laid out like, "So, your life sucks. You go to the internet to start a new life. Your internet life sucks. You need attention. What can you do?" Of course, not in those words, but you get it. - Like it.
- Reasons To Fake Your Own Death
- Something funny along the lines of the community cyber-bullying you, for the kicks, you want to see what people really thought about you etc.
- (Got no issues with this.)
- Method
- Possible Cluedo (OMG, there's no Cluedo page, must remember that!) related joke? Unfunny example: Yourself with the fish (erm that was the first thing that came to my head) in the forum.
- I like the idea of using that joke. Except it'd have to be in like the PERFECT spot to be funny. We must focus on that. Also, isn't the game just called Clue? o_o - Ahh, that's it, Americanos call it "Clue", cause of the film! Here in the UK, it's "Cluedo".
Illnesses Sickness: (feel free to mention reasons for these sections, btw) (changed to "Sickness" because "the Ill bit looks like three "l"s)
- Pros: gain attention steadily, be told you're such a strong person, have people fall over themselves to praise you, have near death experiences frequently to pique interest
- Cons: research, time and effort in staging the progression of illness
- Suicide:
- Pros: built-in audience of emo/goth internet kids looking for somebody's suicide to cry over, depression is easy enough to stage and enact, most likely to get lol-able bad poems, could get the "strong person" and praising pros from Illness if you say your depression is caused by both your parents dyeing, or similar...
- Cons: possible hate from conservative lead section of community (conservative + web community, does that go together, hmm...)
- Accident:
- Pros: Easy, one-time execution (
no pun intended) with immediate results
- Cons: No prior sympathy, must spend time building yourself up as an excellent person beforehand, you will get no sympathy/e-tears/bad poems if you're just a random person who died in a random accident
- Murder
- Pros: Lots of sympathy, requires no time to be built up, shocking, possible lol-able poems (especially Haikus) or condolence notes
- Cons: After the first wave of sympathy you may get forgotten, possibly harder to make people believe, can't think of any more...
- Location, Location, Location
- "If you're going to fake your own death then you need to start it in an appropriate place. Starting the rumour on a site only used by yourself and <insert funny list items here> isn't really going to help."
- Let's take it further, and break it down into
- Number of users
- Number of crazy, teenaged and/or gullible users
- Ability to whore your ailing self out to several people (i.e. myspace has an advantage because random friend adding is more acceptable there and myspace bulletins are a good way to scream about your life from the internet rooftops)
- ...you get it. Can you think of any others?
- Breaking The News
- (That is how to do it realistically)
- Eh, we'll just type this one out. Simple enough. Younger dead person = mother signed in via saved password. Adult dead person = spouse. Perhaps provide example of how you'd tell the community they're dead. Perhaps provide example of how not to tell community.
- Troubleshooting
Could pick a violent video game and then go for something like "Didn't know your granny was an ace at <violent video game>?" - not funny but could be inserted somewhere for the absurdity or whatever.
- That one sort of went over my head. o_o - Agreed, well it didn't go over my head, but it wasn't very good, hence the going over your head bit
- Anyway, tell what to do if
- Someone asks why their family member is posting to the community rather than grieving (OMG, YOU DONT HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THIS FORUM MEANT TO HER YOU GUYS. YOUR UNGREATFUL FOR THE LOVE SHE HAD 4 U ALL.)
- ...other stuff? help?
- Disclaimer
- There could be a warning here about: "You risk being rejected from your community if you botch the job, so don't botch it!"
- Yeah, and sort of turn it into a satirical spin on how the internet is REAL SERIOUS BUSINESS. You get what I mean or wha? - Yes.
Added a couple paragraphs here and there, will hopefully expand on them later. You can't call me a neglectful parent now, you bitch!
(Also, I edited your texty stuff up at the top a little bit -- I removed the Nobody cares references to avoid redundancy, because it's really, REALLY easy to want to use Nobody Cares in this article, hahah. If you don't like anything I did, just edit over it and discuss.) - ☯•♫•© 16:45 Apr 17
Made a few minor tweaks here and there. If you don't like anything I did, just edit over it and discuss (that should be our motto :-D ). - 05:54 17 AprilSir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
Images
Any images for the article can be put here, oh, we're being so organised!