SQL
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SQL, short for SEQUEL, short for Semi-Equally Elegant, is a computer language designed to help film producers to create semi-equally elegant film sequels. The language is able, through one command, to access IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, and Uncyclopedia pages about a specific movie, and come up with a semi-equally elegant sequel to that movie. The language was invented by American producer Ed Wood in 1942, whilst trying to create a sequel to Citizen Kong (1941).
The main purpose of SQL is to slowly decrease the elegancy level of cinema, until the elegancy level of cinema would reach 0%, and thus the elegancy level of real life would reach 100%. Contrary to its evil twin, prolog, SQL is supercali and practically perfect in every way.
SQL is also known as AWESOM-O in Paramount+ supported countries.
Syntax[edit | edit source]
The trick is that you don't even need to read the original article, or even watch the original movie. SQL does it all for you:
Human language[edit | edit source]
Kong is revived by the Ape of Apes, Caesar, and returns to Empire State Building, demanding that the true meaning of rosebud is revealed.
Computer language[edit | edit source]
SELECT Plot_Synopsis
FROM IMDB
JOIN Rotten_Tomatoes
ON IMDB.Title = Rotten_Tomatoes.Title
JOIN Uncyclopedia
ON IMDB.Title=Uncyclopedia.Title
WHERE Title="Citizen_Kong"
AND Real_Title=2.0
AND Box_Office > 1,000,000,000;
If a prequel is required, you must use -2.0 for the most recent prequel, -3.0 for 1 prequel before that, and so on.
If the movie belongs to the Naked Gun series, you might need to use fractions like 33.33 and so on.
The real title might not even be a number; for example, Saw 7 is actually called Saw 3D, and Billy Madison 10 is sometimes refered to as 50 First Dates. You must be careful not to mix all those letters & digits; do not let this confuse you. Only use digits and fractions.
That's it. How simple is THAT? SQL is awesome.
Playing hardball SQL[edit | edit source]
Some sequels, such as the upcoming Joker: Folie à Deux starring Lady Gaga & Joaquin Phoenix, require playing hardball SQL. The hardcore SQL is required because even the audience itself subconsciously objects to the release of the sequel, and there's nothing you can do to wash their minds. In this case, you must use the most hated SQL command, GROUPBY:
SELECT Country, MAX(Box_Office)
FROM IMDB
JOIN Rotten_Tomatoes
ON IMDB.Title = Rotten_Tomatoes.Title
JOIN Uncyclopedia
ON IMDB.Title=Uncyclopedia.Title
GROUPBY Country;
This shit right here will tell you the maximum box office you will get for each country. After you run this SQL query, you might get this table as an answer:
| Country | MAX(Box_Office) |
|---|---|
| United States | 50 |
| China | 150 |
| Russia | 0 |
| France | 2,000,000,000 |
And so on.
Warning:[edit | edit source]
Never use WHERE combined with GROUPBY, because it will make SQL get some sick. You must use HAVING instead of WHERE. Just like you must use Joker: Folie à Deux instead of 2.0.
This will give you a list of all countries in which 2.0 would make over 1 billion dollars:
SELECT Country, MAX(Box_Office)
FROM IMDB
JOIN Rotten_Tomatoes
ON IMDB.Title = Rotten_Tomatoes.Title
JOIN Uncyclopedia
ON IMDB.Title=Uncyclopedia.Title
GROUPBY Country
HAVING MAX(Box_Office) > 1,000,000,000;
The Prestige[edit | edit source]
The Godfather II of all SQL commands is definitely ORDERBY, even though it's pretty basic. You add ORDERBY with ASC or DESC so that the table will be sorted from 0 to 1 billion (ASC) or in reverse (DESC):
SELECT Country, MAX(Box_Office)
FROM IMDB
JOIN Rotten_Tomatoes
ON IMDB.Title = Rotten_Tomatoes.Title
JOIN Uncyclopedia
ON IMDB.Title=Uncyclopedia.Title
GROUPBY Country
ORDERBY MAX(Box_Office) DESC;
The result:
| Country | MAX(Box_Office) |
|---|---|
| France | 2,000,000,000 |
| China | 150 |
| United States | 50 |
| Russia | 0 |
See also[edit | edit source]
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