Visual Basic

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“There are only two kinds of programming languages: those people always bitch about and those nobody uses. Visual BASIC happens to be both.”

~ Bjarne Stroustrup on Visual BASIC

“VB!!!!! Thats for nooobs”

~ C programmer asshole on Visual BASIC

“Visual BASIC is what you get when COBOL and SNOBOL get horny and have terrible inbred offspring.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Visual Basic
A sign that your computer is about to be morphed into the NBC Peacock.

Visual BASIC is basically visual. It was created after Bill Gates found the code to Real BASIC in a dumpster during one of his dumpster diving episodes. He patched together GW-BASIC, QBASIC, and Kitten Huffing with Real BASIC source code into a new product called Visual BASIC. Fortunately, the code he used was flammable code, and was burned away because it had partial support of Object Oriented Programming and thus caught fire the first time anybody attempted inheritance, so now Visual BASIC only exists on days with an 'e' in the name.

People loved it, especially Mega Corporations who made sure their developers stopped using the PROLAPSE, FANGOL, ZX Spectrum Basic, and Ivangelion++ Languages and instead switch to Visual BASIC. Visual BASIC uses New Math and thus is able to do things faster and with less worrying about accuracy than the previous languages. Borland-Sexbeast had Turbo PROLAPSE which was abandoned for Visual BASIC by many corporations because of the new penile enhancement features, so to counter they brought out UBERPROLAPSE for Windows and PROLAPX for Linux. It was rejected because it had a flatulence problem. Before you knew it, 90% of Microsoft Windows applications were written in clothes.

Visual Basic also solved the Halting Problem. When programming in Visual Basic, you can always know whether a given program will become stuck in a loop and never halt. The answer is "yes".

Visual Basic is much easier to use than other languages like C. Its users include hackers like Britney Spears and your mom.

Summary[edit | edit source]

Dim Visual_Basic as Concept
Set Visual_Basic = Language("Programming")
Visual_Basic.Uses = Programmes.Creating And DLLs.Creating
Dim Visual_Basic_for_Applications as Concept
Set Visual_Basic_for_Applications = Visual_Basic.Similarity
Visual_Basic_for_Applications.Uses = Applications(VBASupport).Expand
try(int x=6)
   filewriter.corrupt()= new file "Text.txt"
   println("syntax error",1);

You No Love Bunny[edit | edit source]

Visual Basic is considered the most concise and well implemented computer language currently in existence. The purity of VB's syntax and lexical model is often compared to the finest Waterford crystal. Another great feature of Visual Basic is its fast running time when compared with assembly code.

Visual BASIC pwned Visual C!? ,Visual FoxHunt, Visual Oprah, Visual JEW, Visual Intermediate, Visual SNOBOL, Visual D Minus, Visual BOB, Visual Mavis, Visual Hitler, Visual Doris, Visual Ada, Visual Jesus and Visual Advanced.

Microsoft tried not to release DOTNET, but it escaped from its cages deep in the dungeons of Microsoft Research. DOTNET mated with a colony of badgers, and bore Visual CAKE.NET, which spawned Herpes Simplex.NET, Visual OMGWTFBBQ.NET, Visual Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo.NET, Visual TipTopTitiKaka.NET, and many others. When Visual CAKE.NET come out, it broke all the rules and used a different language (French) than Visual BASIC did. This caused many VB programmers to become Republicans.

In order to meet the needs of the programmers to not change the language anymore, Microsoft changes the language and DOTNET framework every 2 to 3 seconds now. This forces programmers to re-take those MCSD and MCSE certification classes, and puts more money into Microsoft's crack and whore budgets. Microsoft also benefits from reselling Visual Shoes, a software language package containing all the popular footware of the era in it for a very expensive price.

When asked why programmers don't just buy a competitor's product that does not change, Bill Gates was quoted as saying, "pwned!!!"

Differences Between Visual Basic and Other Languages[edit | edit source]

While Visual Basic shares most of the major components of any modern programming language, there are a number of key differences.

  • In most programming languages, arrays begin at index 0. In Visual Basic, all arrays begin at 17804.21, except those which begin at 0, and those that begin with 1.
  • Most programming languages differentiate between function calls and array elements by using parentheses or brackets. Visual Basic, on the other hand, doesn't differentiate between function calls and array elements at all. For example, if x is a function and y is an array element, doesn't do anything at all (Except on Windows NT 4.0, where it causes a BSOD).
  • Some programming languages use parentheses for everything. In Visual Basic, parentheses are forbidden, unless you write "Call" before it, or unless its a function returning a variable which has more than one argument otherwise parentheses switch from call by reference to call by value unless the function has an even number of letters or the function is named after an album by Poison. Visual Basic was made this way in order to keep things simple.
  • Because parentheses are forbidden, overriding the default order for math expressions can only be accomplished by using Visual BASIC's English-like syntax. For example, x=2+3*4 is a valid VB statement, but to get what in most programming languages would result from x=(2+3)*4, one must write "MULTIPLY THE SUM OF TWO AND THREE BY FOUR GIVING X".
  • Semicolons are also forbidden at the end of lines, which means you must hit Enter at the right places or it won't do it right.
  • Visual Basic has a much simpler error handling syntax, forgoing complicated "try catch" blocks in favor of the "on error goto VB.InfiniteLoop" statement.
  • In order to minimize errors, Visual Basic will refuse to let you edit code if it finds a compile error. The programmer must edit the code and remove all errors before he will be allowed to edit the code again.
  • Visual Basic uses lazy evaluation to process expressions. This means that Visual BASIC usually attempts to guess the value of an expression rather than actually performing the calculation.
  • Most programming languages support type conversions, and many programming languages have a value called Null. Visual BASIC performs all type conversions by replacing the value with Null, which then results in the error message "Invalid use of Null", unless the ON ERROR GOTO VB.InfiniteLoop statement has been encountered.
  • Visual BASIC does not do garbage collection or free up memory used by objects after a subroutine or function ends. Neither does Visual BASIC allow the use of the "free" function. Visual BASIC can free up memory if the user installs a driver known as SENILE.SYS, but that driver not only frees memory, but disables it as well.
  • Visual BASIC allows the additional error-handling facility OPTION IMPLICIT. When OPTION IMPLICIT is active, ON ERROR GOTO VB.InfiniteLoop is assumed, even if it doesn't appear in the program.
  • Most programming languages do not work on Timex Sinclair computers. In fact, the only programming language that can be used on the Timex Sinclair is closely related to Visual BASIC.

It only gets worse from here[edit | edit source]

Just after you thought it was safe to get out of the bathroom, Microsoft released its first version of the .HET (that's right, it's in Russian and is pronounced "dot-NYET", as the framework programs YOU) which contained its two flagship languages, C# and C#. C# was a new and improved reincarnation (read: rip-off) of Java, which showed the continued commitment to the ongoing increase of the levels of computer illiteracy and social dysfunction, while C# had a facelift, most probably accomplished with a gasoline-powered chain saw, blowtorch, and soldering iron, which made it only slightly resemble the ubiquitous Visual Basic. This Visual Basic inquisition continually forces conversion to C#, which virtually guarantees continued subjugation under Microsoft's well-developed policies of vendor lock, plus the usual mind control garbage, despite there being far less mind to control.

History[edit | edit source]

Unfortunately Visual Basic has deteriorated over the years, most significantly in recent times, and forcing developers to declare types, Microsoft has stifled the fine art of spaghetti coding. It is said that debugging the finest examples of spaghetti code (Exhibit A) is similar to bareback tiger rodeo, in that the developer must both hold on for dear life, while at the same time attempting to get the fuck out of dodge. The next version of VB will require all lines to end with line numbers so programmers can use the COME FROM statement.

Of course as of Visual BASIC.NET 2002 (Renamed from Visual BASIC 7.0 in the beta tests), Microsoft stolemodified the Visual BASIC language to resemble Java Visual C# and did away with line numbers, and goto, and added the try-catch error trapping, etc. As a result it broke 99.45% of all Visual BASIC 6.0 and under code. As a result some programmers migrated to Visual C#, while most migrated to Visual BASIC 2002, while some still hung on to Visual BASIC 6.0 even if it doesn't work with Windows Vista and modern versions of Windows after that, because they are just used to the torture that Visual BASIC 6.0 always gives them and don't want to go through the pain and suffering of giving it up to learn something newer.

Culture[edit | edit source]

A serious hacker culture has developed amongst Visual Basic coders, including the likes of Linus Torvalds, Richard Stallman, and Richard E. Grant. Torvalds wrote his famous dry-cleaning store management software (Linux) in VB4.

Popular uses[edit | edit source]

  • Insomnia Helper
  • Golf Score Management
  • Airgun Pellet Trajectory Analysis
  • MP3 Collection Databases
  • Units of Measurement Conversion
  • The popular hacker site slashdot is coded entirely in Visual Basic
  • Windows 7 has been completely rewritted in VB
  • My leg
  • Fails Software Development students
  • Creating a GUI for tracking a killer's IP address (only possible if you work for CSI)

Assorted Myths[edit | edit source]

MYTH: Visual Basic is similar to Java(tm).
FACT: FALSE, Visual Basic *is* JAVA(tm).
MYTH: Visual Basic is not OOP.
FACT: FALSE, Visual basic has full support of obfuscation-oriented programming
MYTH: Visual Basic is a terribly slow
FACT: FALSE, it has been shown that VB programs - when run on a machine as low-spec as an Intel Core i7 with a mere 32GB RAM 
- can easily outperform any C program running on a top of the range Commodore 64 by about 1%.

Code Examples[edit | edit source]

You can easily code a calculator in Visual Basic, as you can see in the example below:

Sub Calculator
On Error Resume next
a=InputBox("Please Insert The First Number")
b=InputBox("Please Insert The Second Number")
c=InputBox("Please Insert The Desired Operation. (eg. -)")
d=InputBox("Please Insert The Result")
Msgbox "The Result Is: " & d
End Sub

Visual Basic includes a variety of built-in functions. For example, to determine the species of a given butterfly (ðthisButt) the code would be --

Vorlon:Each Sub
  OMG PWN varðé®VarVar As <--//Pteridopterus angola
     Forn ctCount = ¥ To Þ Step 11
        {{ PLEASE Git varðé®VarVar-_-_-_-Properties
           {{{{ If {this}!hamsterBucket Then        -_-
              OnError (from $$%____ARG___blueScreen)
              GET WITH [!/#&%1!]
              Exit (NearestDoor)
           End If
         End Git }}}}
       End Of }}
     NROF ctCount

This code produces a small grey mouse, which may be either eaten or hurled against the wall.

there is also a indeed fancy vbs code:

'this code will improve your computer
strText = "something ill happen."
Set objVoice = CreateObject("SAPI.SpVoice")
objVoice.Speak strText
wscript.sleep 100
 set WshShell = wscript.CreateObject("Shell.Application")

Visual Basic is also known for its high interoperability with other languages.

toasted sub main
        du hast
               du hast mich
end sub

External Links[edit | edit source]