C (programming language)

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“Those who C will soon become of H!”

“In Soviet Russia, C programms YOU!!”

C is a mystic language used by various wizards, magicians, and otherwise practitioners of the mystic art of computer science. Discovered by alchemists and recorded in magic spell books, the language allows channelers of computer science to communicate with the spirits and execute various functions through the mystic tools we know of as “computers”.

ANSI C, as most of the hackers call it, is suitable to a wide range of applications. However, one may note that it's not suitable for Nuclear Power Plants, as everyone knows you must use ADA for critical and life hazardous systems.

Using black magic to find the holy documentation.

C uses a logical grammatical structure, somewhat like our own conventional languages of communication. Mastery of the language can take a long time, anywhere from one to twenty one days, then the practical application of the utterances that compose it can take even longer. C, as a magic computer language through which the spirits obey men, is neither inherently good nor evil (unlike other computer dialects, such as BASIC), but rather it is a neutral tool to be used by the race of men however they please. Practitioners of C who use their powers for good are often called “programmers”. Corrupted speakers of C are often called “virus writers” and “hackers” by peasants. Hackers are also known to use dark tongues other than C, such as the black language known as “leet”.

There exists an upgrade of C, known by its users as "B-." B- allegedly uses several different sentence structures and additional contexts to allow for the execution of different spells and the fulfillment of certain supernatural phenomena that would otherwise be difficult to command of the spirits with regular old C. Books on how to speak C and B- can be obtained at almost any book retail store.

Derivatives of C[edit | edit source]

  • C++ - C For people who have a computer science degree.
  • PHP - C For people who can only program web sites in VB.
  • Java - C++-- Take C++, with all its object orientation complexity and strip away everything simple, like string comparison, pointers and stack memory. The 5GB runtime overhead from Oracle also adds to the complexity.
  • C# - Java for Microsoft.
  • Perl - C for people that want to solve the problem in 1 minute and use the next 10 years supporting that code.
  • Lisp - C for parentheses who want to meet other parentheses.
  • Python - C for 3rd graders who want to type "print" instead of "printf".
  • Rust - C for those who want to pretend they're cool but deep down despise Rust to its core, only using it to woo girls with troubled childhoods.
  • Javascript - Java for morbidly obese incels who do not hold any regard for values, morality, ethics or the tenets of God.

Differences with ANSI 'B'[edit | edit source]

  • Line numbering was removed so that programmers did not have to remove their socks when the line numbers got above ten.
  • Recursive functions were added so that Recursive functions were added so that Recursive functions were added so that Recursive functions were added so that Recursive functions were added so that Recursive functions were added so that the stack would not overflow.
  • Commenting was made optional, especially on programs with more than 1000 lines.
  • The 'for' statement was introduced to make structure-handling code more concise, e.g.:
for (STICKIT* p = &stickit;;) {
   p->nref = 5;
   strcpy(p->descid, "GOOEY77A");
   p->enabled = 0;
  • #define m Macros
Macros were introduced to Macrosake prograMacrosMacrosing Macrosore siMacrosple and predictable.

Differences in Microsoft C# (the new ANSI standard)[edit | edit source]

  • The PASCAL definition was included for functions to both confuse C programmers and devalue Pascal.
  • A Blue screen debugging message was added so that a high visibility error message could be shown in place of small one.

Written C Examples[edit | edit source]

  • c
  • C
  • C
  • C

Example of 'C' in Linux[edit | edit source]

#include <stdio.h>

int main()
  if(puts("Hello world") < 0){
    goto panic;
  return 0;

  return 1;

Example of 'C' under windows[edit | edit source]

#include <about_a_million_headers.h>

VOID PASCAL winmain(***WinHndl:Tfucknows, ****PaperClipIcon:TpaperClipIcon)
 //leave 500B for other varibles
 int *i = malloc(2500);
   MessageBox(234,432,3,44,3,&TpaperClip,&BlueScreenJustInCase,"Hello World");
   //make room for the Blue Screen
   void *v = malloc(90);
   BlueScreen(sqrt(__stack+v),"The non-Microsoft program at %s just crashed. Retry last action in %d minutes. windows\nHere is some debug information\n\n\t%s",RandomShit(),Bollocks(**(--i)),*&&EvenMoreBollocks());
  //NEVER return an error code. It frightens the users.
//NEVER free() memory you allocated with malloc().  Windows will refuse to run any program that does not contain a memory leak.

Example of 'C' in Russian nuclear weapons navigation systems[edit | edit source]

#exclude <survivors.h>

ext submain()
  printf("In Soviet Union, this world leaves YOU!!");