PBS Kids
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PBS Kids is an American television broadcast service created and operated by the Big Public TV lobbyists at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting in association with the communist spies at PBS and, of course, viewers like you. PBS Kids operates both on the aforementioned PBS network on weekends from when literally no one is watching in the morning to when literally no one is watching in the evening and on its standalone network, which provides educational entertainment to children between the ages of two and twelve whose parents can't afford Nickelodeon. Some of the notable programs which have been broadcast on PBS Kids include Arthur, Sesame Street, and Mr. Rogers Gentrified Urban Tourist Trap of a Neighborhood.
History
Early years
PBS Kids was established in 1993 when the US Government decided that its adult population's overall intellect had dropped to unsustainable levels. In response, it passed the "Ready to Learn Initiative" which approved, among other things, the creation of an educational programming network which would subliminally educate the populace through its favorite means of entertainment: the television. However, the media believed that this portion of the act was geared towards children exclusively rather than adults. Fearing embarrassment, the government went along with this new sentiment and announced the network would be part of the already extant (and already communist) Public Broadcasting Service's broadcast and would be known as PTV or Penis Testicles V, in an attempt to connect with their tween audience. Following public backlash, the acronym was chanced to nothing in particular, and the target audience was shifted to young children, specifically ones listening to the indiscernible mumble of the television while still in the womb. PTV premiered on July 11, 1994, in twelve households across America (Guam excluded). PTV's on-air marketing was largely based around its initial mascots: the P-Heads. During bumpers and between shows, The P-Heads would appear on screen and talk about, among other things, urine and its many uses in the workplace, hence their name. They were also known to engage in large-scale orgies on command.
Following a few years of incessant telethons and wild P-Pal orgies, PTV was suddenly hit with a defamation lawsuit by MTV Networks. Reportedly, MTV's stoner base had been accidentally tuning in to the similarly-named PTV while in a pot-induced haze. Hence, ratings for Beavis and Butt-Head collapsed while ratings for Charlie Horse Music Pizza skyrocketed. Not wanting to get involved in long-winded legal drama, PTV reached an out-of-court settlement with MTV in which they agreed to drop the name in exchange for the Siberian broadcast rights to The Real World. (Elmo isn't a very good lawyer.)
Chick-a-na-na-na-na (doink) PBS KIDS!
PTV officially relaunched as PBS Kids on September 9, 1999, with a revamped brand image and two new mascots: siblings and occasional lovers Dot and Dash. With this, PBS Kids settled into a lull which would last until around 2005, when PBS Kids launched Sprout, a joint venture with General Electric-owned NBCUniversal. The new network was created to continue the proud PBS tradition of offering education and entertainment regardless of one's ethnic or fiscal circumstances on a premium-tier cable network. PBS pulled out of the Sprout partnership in 2009 when it was revealed that GE had been embedding subliminal messages into the network's programming telling children that the Soft-White lightbulb was their true Lord and savior.
The Daniel Tiger military coup
By the 2010s PBS Kids was still in a relative state of peace. As the decade went on, however, the very structure of the network fell under threat. Former Mr. Rogers star Daniel Tiger, upon receiving his own show named Daniel Tiger's Equally if not More Gentrified Neighborhood, quickly established a stranglehold on the network's programming schedule. In 2012 Daniel established himself as the unappointed leader of the network and began to flood the airwaves with 24/7 reruns of his own show. Daniel established a fear-based cult of personality, anointing himself as the savior of the network, and he moved to stamp out all opposition. Dot and Dash were shafted and sent to re-education camps for dissent against the Tiger State and were replaced by three nameless stand-ins who refused to partake in any sexual relations, much to the chagrin of the audience. To combat this meteoric rise to power, the network began to pump out new shows directly intended to topple Daniel's modern-day "Tammany Hall". These shows found success and started to eat into Daniel's rerun time-slots, and for a while it seemed that the network power was shifting back to the public. In response, Daniel instituted authoritarian military rule and began dismantling any show he deemed a threat to the state.
After three years of tension and conflict, ratings were at an all-time low and the collapse of the Tiger Empire seemed imminent. In 2017 the two sides reached an uncomfortable ceasefire. Daniel Tiger agreed to acquiesce his control of the network in exchange for the guarantee of an eternal slot on the network. This agreement has held to this day, though tensions remain.
Programming
- Sesame Street A group of thinly veiled metaphors for drug addiction called the Muppets teaches children about basic math, English, and the many benefits of human-puppet sexual relations.
- Arthur An animated program about a horrific creature best described as a love child between a bear and Voldemort and the discrimination he faces on a daily basis.
- Mr. Rogers' Gentrified Urban Tourist Trap of a Neighborhood Charming everyman Mr. Rogers endeared himself to a generation by espousing the benefits of ruthless community and market capitalization through his gentrification of the hand puppet ethnic enclave known as the "Land of Make Believe" over the course of nearly four decades.
- Wild Kratts The Kratt Brothers star in one of the earliest forms of "Robo-Furry" representation in modern media.
- Super Why! Critics still debate whether Super Why! was actually a show or just one giant communal fever dream.
- The Magic School Bus The charming tale of Ms. Frizzle, a sadistic schoolteacher who continuously attempts to murder her own students on a series of wildly dangerous "field trips" aboard an enslaved sentient school bus so she can cash in the life insurance policies she previously took out on all of them. A Dateline miniseries based on her story is reportedly in the works.
- Bill Nye the Science Guy A tragic docuseries about a science-centered stoner cult based in the Seattle metro area made up of kidnapped minors and their master who they refer to simply as "Bill".
- Bob The Builder Can he fix it?
- Bob the Builder (the reboot) No, he can't.
- The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That! A Stranger Danger PSA which was accidentally greenlit as a conventional TV show, Cat was pulled from the air when children across the nation began consulting their own cats on any and all secrets unknown to mankind, thus becoming a race of uber-intelligent elitist warlocks.
- Dinosaur Train And you thought Cars raised too many questions ...
Credits
This Uncyclopedia article was made possible by a grant from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, who given the amount of other sponsors for this thing likely found a way to split a penny for their donation.
Additional funding was provided by:
- Chuck E. Cheese: We get a tax deduction for this, right?
- Boeing: Pretending we care about children since 1916.
- Target: We support education. Also, 30% off LEGO Star Wars sets this week!
- The National Science Foundation: Because this show talked about photosynthesis once or something.
- The Ford Foundation: No, we're not that Ford. Oh wait, we are ...
- The letters P and U, and the number 2.
- BNSF Railways: Oh crap, the PBS Newshour is coming on! Turn it off! Turn it off!
As always this article was made possible by contributions from your PBS station and viewers like you. Pay up, cheapskate!
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