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- 8M BC - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs, discover how to spank the monkey.
- 1340 BC - Egyptians create the first pornographic magazine, printed on papyrus, men claim they read it just for the hieroglyphs.
- 1850 - Nudist becomes billionaire after patenting photographs of people naked.
- 1450 - Johannes Gutenberg invents a press capable of printing tasteful centerfolds.
- 1968 - Blind porn is introduced, requiring the sight disadvantaged to keep both hands busy.
- 1971 - The first porno on VFHS is filmed, shows a mustachioed man cumming into a steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese.
- 1994 - First porn site developed, shows pictures of ASCII boobs: (.)(.)