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Zombiebaron Zombiebaron,

40,978 Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron

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Sick Orchids.jpg

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

Did you know...

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  • ... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)
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  • ... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)
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  • ... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)
  • ... that I think you know what's happening today?
  • ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
  • ... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
  • ... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
  • ... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
  • ...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
  • ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
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  • ... that the bird is the word? (Pictured)
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  • ... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
  • ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
  • ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
  • ... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
  • ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
  • ... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
  • ... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
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  • ... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
  • ... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
  • ... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
  • ... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
  • ... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
  • ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
  • ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?

In the news

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Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein FilesWar Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn AwardsChucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • BuffyXander HarrisRobert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' MaduroIranMahmoud AhmadinejadAtlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity

On this day...

Ah shit where'd I put that screwdriver?

March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day

  • 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
  • 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
  • 1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
  • 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
  • 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
  • 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
  • 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.

Today's featured picture

Dali's 'Stache
You want surreal? Try wasting four hours a day waxing your 'stache until it closely resembles your entire Catalonian name. That's surreal.

Image credit: Imrealized
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Recent Articles

More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push | Great ideas

Writer and Noob of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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