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Have you, dear reader, found yourself chained to an aging confectionery monstrosity, its pipes wheezing, its vats bubbling ominously, its accountants sobbing quietly in the walls? Has a government man (always beige! always damp!) slid a letter under your door explaining that thirty percent of your life’s work now belongs to them?

Thirty percent!

That’s not a tax, that’s getting bent over and done up your rear!

*tips hat, snaps cane against the floor*

Fear not. Willy Wonker is here. And I assure you, I have handled this exact situation with the grace of a ballerina and the ethics of a feral raccoon. (Full article...)

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... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that the butler did it?
... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA

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In the news
Don't ask what any of this has to do with Christmas. UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday (Pictured) Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches! ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up." 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth" The New York Yankees now fucking suck Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter The UK to ban the resale of tickets Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not? Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents" Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT! Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Ravens fans hiding in a corner after yet another choke Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs' season • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Dallas Cowboys' season • Patrick Mahomes' backup's ACL Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Indianapolis Colts' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025 UnNews – Radio Free Lunch
On this day...
December 27: Anniversary Day, Invention of the Artificial Vagina (USSR) 42 - 9th anniversary of the first anniversary. 1831 - Charles Darwin boards the HMS Beagle, and begins his lifelong mission to undermine God and all that is decent. 1939 - Adolf Hitler becomes frustrated when Germany's top scientists fail to invent the artificial vagina. 1944 - Winston Churchill invents precursor of the artificial vagina, the fake anus, and is hailed a hero. 1945 - Josef Stalin invents artificial vagina, workers can now wank with greater realism than the downtrodden hand-dependents of the Capitalist world. 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev condemns Stalin's Soviet artificial vagina as a symptom of bourgeois excess, calls for return to real pussies. 2008 - King Kong pounds Eeyore in the honey tree, Donkey Kong is born! 2009 - Boxing Day is canceled after reports of severe CTE following holiday festivities. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Satan hates his job, too. You're not like Satan. Are you?

Image credit: RadicalX
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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Now you only have 4, yes 4 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 41,134 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages, including Zombiebaron/Zombiebaron Day!:

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Pagecount statistics listed above were updated on November 1, 2016.