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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)
- ... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
- ... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
- ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
- ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
- ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
- ... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
- ... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
- ... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)
- ... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
- ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
- ... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
- ... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
- ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
- ... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
- ... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
 - ... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
- ... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
- ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
- ... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
- ... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
- ... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
- ... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
- ... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)
- ... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
- ...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
- ... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
- ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
- ... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
- ... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
- ... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
- ... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)
- ... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably
- 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
- 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
- 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
- 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
- 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
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