Today's featured propaganda
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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
- ... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
- ... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
- ... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
- ... that nobody asked?
- ... that there is one imposter among us?
- ... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
- ... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
- ... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
- ... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
- ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
- ... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
- ... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
- ... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
- ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
- ... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
- ... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
- ... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
- ... that nobody asked?
- ... that there is one imposter among us?
- ... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
- ... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
- ... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
- ... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
- ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
- ... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
- ... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
- ... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
- ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
- ... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
- ... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
- ... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
- ... that nobody asked?
- ... that there is one imposter among us?
- ... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 20: Procrasturbation Day
- 1602 - The Dutch East India company is founded, paving the way for the trade of such goods as sugar, spices, human slaves, and additional sugar.
- 1815 - After escaping from his exile in Elba using cheese, cocked berets, and other French sterotypes, Napoleon Bonaparte begins his "Hundred Days" Rule.
- 1833 - Honest Jim starts his career out by selling his grandfather's false teeth back to him at nine times their original value.
- 1852 - Hariet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin was published, setting racial equality back about seventy-five years.
- 1883 - Eleven counties signed the Paris Convention for the Protection of Industrial Property, strictly outlawing the trade of ideas, dreams.
- 1914 - The first international Figure Skating World Championships take place in Connecticut. The losers maintain their dignity.
- 1984 - Dungeons & Dragons hits a new high note with the introduction of the Stock Broker playable character set, including Briefcase of Monotony and +2 Ballpoint Pen.
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To whom it may concern: I am writing to you today regarding Mr. Nydas, who I understand is applying for a position at your institution. Mr. Nydas is one of the most inspiring students I have ever had the p LOLOLOLOL PENNIS THE MENACE IS MY FAVORITE ACTION FIGURE SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG LOL LOL WHOAAAAA THEEEEESE IZ KOOL, Y'ALLS leasure to instruct; though deaf, blind, mute and crippled from birth, he has managed to overcome his circumstances and express himself eloquently through his writing. His essays and stories are for him an adventure, an escape from the terribly unfortunate and hopeless reality of his life. Though he knows he is unlikely to survive the next four years, he remains irrepressibly cheerful and determined to become a famous author of children's books. You and I know this will never happen, but when he turns to you with his empty eyes, his face tragically wasted by leprosy, one cannot but root for him in his battle with the cruel, cruel world.
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