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RIP you cat killing bastard

It's true! Why do people always laugh at me when I tell them? Stop laughing, dammit! I'm serious. Deadly serious. It was a tabby named Whiskers. I named it that because it had whiskers. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

Yes, the guy you're thinking of is the very same guy that I'm talking about. This isn't all that complicated. The genius guy. Yes, that's the one. I'm still shocked myself. Surprised even. My cat, needless to say, was flabbergasted at the time. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

My neighbour saw it. Ask him! He's in the house that's beside my house. No, the other one. He knows. Swear to God. Just ask him and he'll tell you what he saw.

What? My neighbour denies that he saw anything? Are you sure? Damnit, Stephen Friggin' Hawking must've got to him. It did happen, I tell ya'. Did! I don't care that my neighbour denies everything. (Full article...)

In the news

UnNews remembers Stephen Hawking

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On this day

Happiness is like a butterfly, you can't catch it so don't even bother trying.

March 18: World Happiness Day

  • 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
  • 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
  • 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
  • 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
  • 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
  • 2004 - The Sun tells Al Gore to fuck off with his global warming shit, and proceeds to call Gore a Jive Turkey.
  • 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
  • 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.

Today's featured picture

Ben & Jerry's introduces a new flavor, designed to help you relax.

Image credit: RadicalX

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