From today's featured article
It's true! Why do people always laugh at me when I tell them? Stop laughing, dammit! I'm serious. Deadly serious. It was a tabby named Whiskers. I named it that because it had whiskers. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.
Yes, the guy you're thinking of is the very same guy that I'm talking about. This isn't all that complicated. The genius guy. Yes, that's the one. I'm still shocked myself. Surprised even. My cat, needless to say, was flabbergasted at the time. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.
My neighbour saw it. Ask him! He's in the house that's beside my house. No, the other one. He knows. Swear to God. Just ask him and he'll tell you what he saw.
What? My neighbour denies that he saw anything? Are you sure? Damnit, Stephen Friggin' Hawking must've got to him. It did happen, I tell ya'. Did! I don't care that my neighbour denies everything. (Full article...)
In the news
- Dammit, why is there so much news?
- Genius, Scientist, Guy who Ran Over my Cat: UnNews remembers Stephen Hawking (Pictured)
- 80s synthesizer band Europe wants to tackle fake news
- News-worthy thing happens, nobody gives a shit
- Decadent cultural elite handed gold-plated statuettes and lecture proles
- A Socialist People's Republic attached to Asia prohibits the letter after M but before O
- Foot enthusiast Quentin Tarantino finds human bride to neg with his inane film theories
- Lanyard wearing dorks release another memo, seriously who gives a shit I can't afford my rent
- Russians secretly implanted Inception-esque plan to get Hillary Clinton not to campaign in Wisconsin
- Lorde fans mistakenly attend Lordi concert
- I heard the news, baby: Van Halen's first album, 40 years later
- Billionaire twitter shitposter Elon Musk launches car into space, forgets wallet inside
Did you know
- ... that President Hoover (Pictured) was an actual hoover?
- ... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
- ... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
- ... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
- ... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
- ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
- ... that none of the links in this sentence have anything to do with it?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
On this day
- 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
- 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
- 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
- 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
- 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
- 2004 - The Sun tells Al Gore to fuck off with his global warming shit, and proceeds to call Gore a Jive Turkey.
- 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
- 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
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