From today's featured article
It may come as a surprise to many people that the cult of the celebrity, seemingly a modern phenomenon, has in fact been around since the earliest days of history. Indeed, BIBLE!, a weekly magazine specialising in celebrity news and human-interest stories, was first published in what is now the Middle East on October 22nd, 4004 BCE and enjoyed several thousand years as a best-selling title until its eventual closure in the middle of the 2nd Century CE. Despite this, demand for the magazine remained high and as a result the entire print run was collated into a compendium issue which remains in print and sells many millions of copies each year.
Issue 1 featured God, who had become the greatest star of the times due to His incredibly popular Creation of the Universe, with His photograph given pride of place on the front cover. By issue 2, published shortly afterwards, the magazine was already concentrating on the sensational celebrity news - the magazine paid several million dollars for exclusive rights to publish photographs of Adam and Eve's newly redesigned garden<ref>A spokesperson from the magazine is quick to defend this seemingly exorbitant cost: "It may seem a lot, but hey - this is Adam and Eve we're talking about here. (Full article...)
In the news
- God to Bozo: "Cram it, clown!" (Pictured)
- Putin wins Russian presidential election in stunning, unexpected upset
- UnNews roundup: Week of March 11 – 17
- Genius, Scientist, Guy who Ran Over my Cat: UnNews remembers Stephen Hawking
- 80s synthesizer band Europe wants to tackle fake news
- News-worthy thing happens, nobody gives a shit
- Decadent cultural elite handed gold-plated statuettes and lecture proles
- A Socialist People's Republic attached to Asia prohibits the letter after M but before O
- Foot enthusiast Quentin Tarantino finds human bride to neg with his inane film theories
- Lanyard wearing dorks release another memo, seriously who gives a shit I can't afford my rent
- Russians secretly implanted Inception-esque plan to get Hillary Clinton not to campaign in Wisconsin
Did you know
- ... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)
- ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
- ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
- ... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
- ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
- ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... that it is illegal to name your baby Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 in Sweden?
On this day
- 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
- 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades.
- 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it.
- 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi.
- 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper.
- 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.
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