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Lord Sauron, 1st Earl of Hertfordshire, KG, GCMG, PC (∞ BC – 28 May 1896), known as The Dark Lord of Mordor before 1861, was an English Conservative politician who served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the mid-19th century. He is well remembered in the United Kingdom as the first Prime Minister to exist solely as a manifestation of pure evil, a tradition that has since been continued by subsequent Conservative politicians.

Details of Lord Sauron's past are sketchy at best, it was rumoured that he served as an officer in the Crimean War, where he would famously hurl Cossacks 20ft in the air with a giant iron mace, but these feats are likely fictionalised, as there is no reputable evidence that Cossacks actually exist. Sauron first arrived on the British mainland in 1861. He was drawn to the island, so the legend goes, because he mistook the inhabitant's unusual facial characteristics for that of the orcs of his homeland. (Full article...)

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On this day

April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (U.S.)

1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
1882 - First obscene phone call made, crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald (Pictured) fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
2002 - WWE star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person.
2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.

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Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account.
From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE)

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