From today's featured article
I Fucking Love John "Bermuda" Schwartz. No, seriously. John "Bermuda" Schwartz is fucking awesome. Agree with me? You're awesome too. I have scientific evidence on my side. John "Bermuda" Schwartz is the very definition of classical music, and may even be an incarnation of Moses himself. Here's why. John "Bermuda" Schwartz is an American drummer in the area of Travis Barker from blink-182, Lars Ulrich, and Proscriptor. The idea is that you draw lines between these drummers and then inside the triangle there is Bermuda.
Simple!...if someone knew who Proscriptor was. "Oh noes mommy! The evil black metal drummer is going to rape me in the rectum!!!" Grow up! John "Bermuda" Schwartz is no less than "Weird Al" Yankovic's life-long drummer, and here's a hint: Al's band is 100% awesomeness. These are the same people that came up with perfect albums like Off the Deep End and Alapalooza, and now you're trying to tell me that this one specific member of the band armed with drum sticks is going to come out like the latest part of the Alien saga and be nothing else but awesome? No way, because that part was no doubt lame and John "Bermuda" Schwartz is definitely awesome. (Full article...)
In the news
- Rush Limbaugh ties too much brain behind back, goes into cardiace arrest
- Ice cream is racist (Pictured)
- UnNews logo on articles now links to UnNews main page
- Opinion: Trump signs executive order to end border separation that HE started
- Fishermen reel in M15 Nuclear Bomb
- Rapper XXXTentacion shot and killed at 20
- Trump uses Space Force to distract from border separation scandal
- Why your horror nerd friends are unusually excited
- Why your European friends are unusually excited
- Roseanne reboot gets canned after Roseanne can't keep her racism down to a 6.5
- Twitter reinstates news outlet Palmer Report after brief suspension
- Phil Hartman: Twenty years later
- Twitter suspends news outlet Palmer Report for telling the truth
- NBC's next live musical celebrates hippies, drugs, nudity, masturbation, and sodomy
- Actress Meghan Markle marries unemployed welfare prince
- Senate votes to restore net neutrality, House says "hold my beer"
- The OG Lois Lane, Margot Kidder, dies at 69
Did you know
- ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
- ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
- ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
- ... that a simile is like a metaphor?
- ... and hyperboles are the greatest thing ever?
- ... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
- ... that it's not butter?
- ... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
On this day
- 524 - The Franks defeat the Burgers, and liberate the Ketchup Kingdom from its tyranny and oppressive roundness.
- 1741 - Maria Theresa of Austria is crowned King of Hungary in what is possibly the most confusing coronation in history.
- 1838 - The first use of Escher-esque architecture in children's playground equipment ends in tragedy after a child is transformed into two disembodied hands drawing each other.
- 1888 - Oscar Wilde pens The Happy Prince and Other Stories after discovering that children don't judge your prose.
- 1981 - General Electric introduces the outdoor toilet for use in smaller homes. Sales are fair-to-middling. (Pictured)
- 2008 - U.S. President Barack Obama selects a cabinet, yet would require nearly two more weeks to settle on an acceptable bookshelf.
- 2009 - Michael Jackson dies after his skin lightning cream turns him into pure sunlight.
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