Wife

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“Wife not part of furniture until screwed on bed.”

~ Confucious

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

~ Socrates

“Her will is done, but evil she doth sow,

bless all free men resist the snare – marr'age –

chain to hold men captive eternally.”

~ Shakespeare

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Marriage sucks.”

~ Captain Obvious

Wife, n. A woman with a will to dominate all life with her power. Even The Lord of the Rings has a wife in it; she's called Sauron and has a ring. Supreme overlord of Mankind, the wife – also W.I.F.E. meaning "Wireless Interface Fun Eradicator", or "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." or "Why'd I Fuckin' [get] Engaged?" – maintains an iron grip over the typical family, ostensibly through her husband. First discovered by Al Bundy, his effort to rid the world of wives has long been dismissed as futile. While many have tried to escape, husbands are consistently forced back into dealing with them by a variety of intimidating but legal tactics including (but not restricted to) guilt trips, sex deprivation, castration and arsenic poisoning. The few who do escape are forced into abject poverty by a barbaric slow torture (alimony) and child support payments for essentials such as sixty-foot yachts, space tourism and apartments on the Champs-Élysées. Wives employ professional coaches (lawyers) who teach them these tactics starting at (approximately) age three.

Fun facts

• Husbands are better than wives.
• A wife provides an excellent benchmark for determining what a crazy person is.
• A wife, provided she is deployed correctly, provides an excellent bench.
• Officially classified as an annoying breed of dog, usually belonging to Afghanistan.
• The Best Wife is a Robot.
• You don't have a wallet any more – at least one with money in it.
• A wife is worse than a Proton Wira/Poodle; no matter how much money you pour into it (her), it (she) will still look like shit. You should have been born blind, or married something that didn't resemble a jar of hairy mayonnaise.
• Oscar Wilde had a butt-buddy instead of a wife.
• The longest sentence in the English language is "I do".
• A wife's natural habitat is the kitchen.
• Wives are lovely roasted with chicken or in a stir fry.