User:Orangutang94/Rochester, New York

This article is about the third largest city in New York State. There appears to be another Rochester in New York, but it's even tinier and in the middle of nowhere, so nobody cares about that knockoff version.

Everyone in Rochester was blocked from Uncyclopedia, and all they got was this lousy template!

Rochester has been blocked from Uncyclopedia for blatant complaining and nerdiness. May its sad fate serve as a warning to others.
Make Uncyclopedia cooler, not lamer, you ranty nerds.
If you don't like Rochester, move to Buffalo or Florida.

Rochester
City
Nickname(s): Raa-cha-cha The flour city The flower city Kodak's grave
State	New York
Official language(s)	English Italian Blocked-nose speak
Government
Mayor	Malik Evans
Established	1810
Re-Established	1834
Currency	Film canisters (formerly)

Rochester (locally pronounced "RAAAH-chist-rrr, N'yuk") is a city in the forgotten part of New York State, serving as the middle brother to big brother Buffalo and annoying little brother Syracuse, while New York City serves as the absentee billionaire father who only comes back once in a while with child support, Yonkers serves as New York City's mistress who claims third place but doesn't count due to being New York City's suburb and therefore bitch, and Albany serves as the workaholic, out-of-touch mother who enforces chores and taxes. Incorporated in 1834, Rochester is in many ways the nerdy younger brother of Buffalo, but nerdier and somehow lamer.

So, what's Rochester even known for anyways?

Being such a nerdy city, Rochester is "heralded" as the birthplace of several "Big league" companies such as Xerox, Kodak, and Bausch and Lomb, as well as some big company no one cares about called Gleason, while Buffalo drinks, is involved with sports, and works in a factory. After experiencing a mid-life crisis in the later 20th Century, Rochester, like Buffalo, is trying to reinvent itself.

The city is also home to the garbage plate, another knockoff bar food that pales in comparison to Buffalo wings. It was also the home of non-nerd and MMA fighter Jon "Bones" Jones, abolitionist nerd Freddy Douglass, feminist nerd Susan B. Anthony, mega-nerd and real-life Tony Stark George Eastman, and financial semi-nerd Tom Golisano, who once owned the Buffalo Sabres, so that wasn't as nerdy. Wegmans is also headquartered here, it's a kickass, non-nerdy supermarket.

History

Early history

What eventually became the city of Rochester was founded by a nerd named Nate Rochester, who adamantly insisted that we all say his nerdy full name Nathaniel. Okay, nerd.

Nathaniel Rochester was so nerdy he decided to venture out to the swampy lands of Western New York to build a village on a waterfall. He was so nerdy he figured out how to make waterwheels and industrialize the whole area. And then another nerd named Governor Clinton decided to dig a ditch right through what was then called Rochesterville.

Thanks to those nerds, Rochesterville actually grew quickly into a bustling little city with industry, as "Clinton's ditch" became the Erie Canal and Nate Rochester's factories produced cocaine, the fuel that empowered a growing country in America. Too bad cocaine was banned later, so the city of Rochester had to find a new means of making a living. Some of the new migrants brought flowers of the cannabis plant with them and people started huffing it and other toxic flowers, so Rochester went from being the "powder city" to the "flower city", but then weed got federally banned too.

The Kodak era

With all drugs banned, Rochester's constituents ran out of things to do, so they made a beer factory right by the waterfall. Beer wasn't enough, and the beer tasted like shit. Fortunately, another nerd named George Eastman figured out a way to make photography easier to handle, built a factory to mass-produce cameras, and gave everyone in the city jobs. All the factory workers got high off the film chemicals, but hey, a job is a job!

Kodak grew so big that it practically became Rochester's entire economy. It was all thanks to George Eastman's invention, which sold like hotcakes as people got high off the film chemicals. The nerdy ones figured out how to make movies out of the chemicals and got more people hooked onto the films, and other nerds figured out how to make porn-o's with their films, addicting more non-nerds.

The modern era

After Eastman got bored one day and blew his brains out, Kodak underwent new management by some greedy Wall Street nerds who only cared about making a profit and not about innovation. They refused to invest in digital photography and sold the patent to other nerds who figured it out. Kodak then had to play catchup, but due to the financial nerds being dumbasses, it didn't work. The nerds sold off every bit of the company to keep Kodak "profitable", then laid off all the employees, before realizing they were screwed. So they jumped ship with $50 million golden parachutes, fucking over Kodak and thus the entire city of Rochester.

Despite Kodak's demise, some medical nerds stepped in and built new hospitals and med schools. These facilities were funded by the nerds in big pharma who knew how to make everyone else sick all the time. Coincidentally, all the chemicals from Kodak's heyday gave half of the city's population cancer, requiring medical treatment. And the city started trafficking illegal drugs in the meanwhile to make ends meet, resulting in a surge in drug-related medical emergencies. In fact, the "lovely" mayor Lovely Warren's husband even got involved in the drug trade.

And that, my dear reader, is how the medical industry runs Rochester in this present day.

Moral of the story: nerds run this city. Everyone else screws themselves over by huffing drugs and thus becoming the nerds' underlings.

Neighborhoods

Inner City

Downtown

A bunch of abandoned skyscrapers and formerly home to a mall that got torn down. They were gonna build a taller skyscraper there, then it got scaled down to a 5-story building, and now it's just a big gravel lot because they ran out of money. Downtown was also surrounded by a concrete moat called the Inner Loop, because only the Inner Circle gets to live downtown. Get it? No? Okay..

Yeah, there are actually no cool people aside from the office workers. A bunch of homeless people chill here though. And also 25 life-sized statues of Freddy Douglass erected all over downtown, just because.

Just outside of downtown there's a mini Niagara Falls that looks like it's churning chocolate, but it's actually churning beer.. I mean garbage.. no, that's about right.

Swillburg and Park Ave.

Home of gayyy people, hippies, vagrants, vegans, social justice warriors, and liberals who don't want to get a real job and smoke weed all day.

East End

Home to the only rich people who live within city limits. Half of these mansions are empty though, aside from the mayor's house. George Eastman's house would have joined those empty mansions but it's been turned into a museum. It's also haunted by his ghost as he blew his brains out from being so depressed and bored in Rochester, though some argue that he never had a family, quite literally the main thing that gets you through living in Rochester in the first place.

Avenue D

Do not ever go here ever. You will get shot, robbed, raped, and/or become addicted to the heroin they sell here. Even the RPD stays away for good reason.

Southside

A bunch of hospitals down here. Plus an abandoned psychiatric hospital that has just sat there for 40 years.

Charlotte

It's pronounced "Shar-LOT" unlike Charlotte, North Carolina. Don't ask me why. And don't name your daughter that unless you're black and spell it SharLatte. Maybe that means the substitute teacher founded and named Charlotte.

Either way, this neighborhood is the only part of the city actually bordering Lake Ontario, also boasting the world's smallest port.

Suburbs

Pretty much extensions of the city

Gates is literally indistinguishable from the city of Rochester, Irondequoit too, though they have more of an Italian flair there. Greece, the biggest suburb of Rochester, is just big and spread out and has Kodak's last remaining acid pit.. er, film factory, and Henrietta is literally a giant shopping plaza.

The rich, snobby southeastern suburbs

Brighton is home to a bunch of rich, liberal elites, and therefore future activitsts and comedians. Pittsford is inhabited by rich, snobby elites, so snobby they wouldn't allow any commercial development outside the Wegmans there, and is otherwise entirely made up of gated communities. Mendon is "full" of rich conservatives with giant back yards, roughly 1 square mile apart. Despite the emptiness you can't actually wander around due to these millionaires' NIMBY attitudes unless you're one of them or unless they have a yard sale.

East side

Penfield, Fairport, East Rochester (haha, get it?) and Webster are here. Just your typical suburbs, with more Italian American flair. And so many car dealerships. Victor is home to the only mall still in operation and good shape in the Rochester area.

West side

Gates and Greece are sometimes considered part of west side, but Chili, Spencerport, Hilton, and a bunch of empty farmland make up the rest of westside. In fact, it's so rural they literally have a town called Wheatfield. Despite this, the west side calls themselves the "cool" part of the Rochester area.

Culture

Unlike Buffalonians, Rochesterians have a more "refined" taste in music, arts and food, including the GARBAGE PLATE. Rochester unfortunately doesn't have any pro sports teams after letting the NBA team that gradually became the Sacramento Kings run out of town. They mooch the Buffalo Bills off of Buffalo though, but have a minor league hockey team that could probably beat the Sabres.

Aside from that, there really isn't much going on in Rochester as compared to the Big Apple. At least you can take the ferry across the lake to Toronto!

..oh wait, about that, the mayor took it out on a "booze cruise" with his homies and crashed it into a derelict nuclear power plant, and the city of Rochester was too poor to buy another one. Nevermind! And then, Rochester's "lovely" subsequent mayor Lovely Warren had the gall to name the former terminal building for the ferry after that booze cruise mayor!

Amazingly, Rochester still has more going on than in Syracuse.

Accent

"Whaaaz diaaaat? Y'thheeenk RAAAchester hiaaaas an eeeaac-sant? We hiaave a neighberhood called Shiaar-LAAAAT. The aaaareport iias next to a suburb calwwed CHYAAIII-LAAAI. Y'theeenk we speeek weeeeirdly, why don't y'eh try talkin' tah someone from thee outer sub'rb o' RAAAAAII-GAH!?"

And we thought Buffalonians had a nasal accent.. Why don't you guys get some hot tea, Mucinex, and pho to clear out your stuffed sinuses and blow your nose. Then we'll talk.

Demographics

Despite being ripped for its "nerdiness" and being New York's "nerd largest city" on top of being the third largest, the Rochester Metropolitan Area is surprisingly not that nerdy as a whole. All the ranty nerds who come to Uncyclopedia to edit and ripped on Rochester have made the city seem so much nerdier. So much that Uncyclopedia nuked the original RIT page due to how nerdy and ranty it got and permabanned several Rochesterian Uncyclopedians for their ranty nerdiness.

Other than that, Rochester is quite diverse, with all the rich Italian American and Asian families living on the east side of the metro such as Pittsford, Fairport, and Webster, all the black and Hispanic families living in the city, Gates, and Henrietta (explains why the football, basketball, and track teams there are so good), all the middle class Irish and Italian families living on the west side of the metro, and all the Jewish families living in Brighton. Despite all these people groups, the Rochester area might also be quite segregated.

Transportation

Aside from the now-defunct "booze cruise" Fast Ferry, Rochester was a stop on the original Erie Canal and even built an aqueduct for the Canal over the waterfall. It also had a subway, for crying out loud! Unfortunately, those modes of transport were shut down due to no one caring about them and Interstate 490 being built on top of all of them. Transportation nerds continue to yap about the "lost golden days" of the aqueduct and subway, but avoid the sore topic of the Fast Ferry.

Due to Rochester's nerdiness, both the new Canal and the New York State Thruway were allegedly built to avoid downtown like the plague. In fact, we wouldn't blame them. Some nerd even edited the Rochester Wikipedia page to complain that the Thruway avoiding downtown "left the city struggling for growth" and that the city's freeways were "built to support a metro area of 5 million, but caused the area to hemorrhage people and shrink to 1 million". Because that nerd's sources were "trust me bro", Wikipedia had that nerd permabanned.

Because enough nerds complained that Rochester's Amtrak station was a "lame Am-shack" and pined for the "lost days" of the old "cool" train station, the federal government finally caved and rebuilt Rochester's Am-shack into a mini version of the old train station.

Rochester also has an airport, but every flight except the JetBlue flight to Fort Lauderdale goes to JFK, Newark, Detroit, Chicago O'Hare, or Atlanta for an obligatory 10-hour layover at 5 times the cost of the average flight. Seriously, it costs less to drive one hour to Buffalo and take direct flights to more obscure locations like Nashville, Minneapolis, Charlotte, NC, and New Orleans. But if you're an airport nerd who just WANTS to waste time at those giant air hubs, go on ahead and keep flying out from ROC.

Skoolz

Colleges and Universities

UR

Home to some preppy, snobby medical school, in addition to the Eastman School of Music and an underrated business school, the University of Rochester is wannabe-Cornell, taking in rich, liberal elite kids from the suburbs of Pittsford and Brighton who took every AP course and preppy honor roll club possible or had rich parents who bribed their teachers, in addition to rich, studious-nerd kids from China and Korea who idolize studying and violin and are otherwise completely oblivious to popular culture. The school spits out doctors, crippling student debt and depression, and uptightedness. UR also runs every hospital and urgent care in the Rochester metro area, and as a result, upcharges medical costs throughout the city. Let's hope and pray you have good health insurance!

RIT

Ah, the big tech school that has produced more Uncyclopedia editors, sarcasm, engineers, video game players, video game designers, and quirky nerds than any other university in the United States. RIT students take ownership of their quirkiness, however, making them more tolerable and cool to hang out with, and every major provides cool, kickass projects, aside from the Computer Science department, those guys should become part of UR or Cornell due to their uptightedness. RIT is also, unfortunately, a sausage party, with a 3:1 male to female student ratio. They are also the proud home of a deaf technical institute. Unfortunately, those poor hard-of-hearing students are subjected to "indentured servitude" due to being easy to take advantage of, and no one can hear them groaning and screaming in that tower due to everyone being deaf there.

Fisher, Naz, and Roberts

St. John Fisher is some rich, small Catholic school where all the kids from Pittsford seem to go, paid for by their rich parents. And the Bills hold their training camp here. Naz is similar, but more artsy and no Bills training camp there. Laaame.

Oh, and Roberts Wesleyan is some other Christian college in the boonies. I mean Chili.

High School systems

Cool School

Rochester' suburbs apparently have the "cool schools". Pittsford is so rich, they apparently have the best schools in the state! Or their rich parents bribe the ranking system. Brighton, Fairport, and Webster are not too far behind.

School of Hard Knocks

"What school? We too cool to be in school. City of Rochester school district don't care, students don't care, they hand out GEDs like candy cause they don't care. City school district got no money, all money go to trafficking gangs in Avenue D. You get schooled in da gangs, man"

Yeah, the city school district is a joke.

MCC

Last and arguably least, according to my hardass Asian parents, it's basically School of Hard Knocks 2.0. My hardass Asian parents keep telling me I'll be "dumbass broke-ass Twinkie loser with shitty dead-end job" if I go here, but hey! MCC is still the 11th best community college in America! Plus I save money if I go there and don't end up like the UR and RIT students in endless debt! My parents work in a restaurant, can't afford Fisher or Naz.

So you wanna leave Rochester?

"Yeah, fuck Rochester, I'm moving to literally anywhere but Rochester.. I know, Iowa!"

The next day...

"Damn, there's nothing else but corn here! At least Rochester had a varied geography. I'm gonna to check out all the big cities like New York City!

Two months later

"Everything is so expensive, everyone is too liberal and self-centered, and I got robbed and the police did jack shit about it! Plus New York City even taxes their taxes, that tax other taxes that tax the state taxes! And I'm not allowed to own a gun to defend myself against the illegal guns! What a joke..

I even tried other big cities like Boston, Chicago, and Seattle, and they're all the same! Big cities suck. Minnesota's just a bigger, cooler Rochester, right?"

One week later

"...I didn't mean that kind of cooler...so much colder than Rochester... but with less snow... and darker... need warmth now... must go to Mississippi..."

One day later

"This place sucks. There's nothing but swamp, everyone's a racist redneck, the air is even swampy, and I got swamp ass just from being here! Maybe Florida is better?"

Two weeks later

"I met Mickey Mouse! But a hurricane wrecked my new house, I just fell into a sinkhole in my basement, almost everyone is a Florida Man, and all the retired non-Florida Man's are ALL from Rochester! I don't NEED any more reminders of Rochester! And the humid heat sucks! Publix also sucks! At least compared to Wegmans! I need to get away! California's got dry heat, right?"

One week later

"This place got old after one day. My car got crushed by an earthquake, the only food I can eat without being judged are vegan avocado and tofu tacos and sourdough bread, In-n-Out costs too much, all the trees in my backyard are on fire, wait, I don't even have a backyard because rent is too damn high and I have to live in a tent city for "homeless" people! And if you thought Rochester or New York City were too liberal, this place is so far left it makes Kim Jong Un look Republican. I'm going to Texas!

Damn, they just turned me back as the Texas Rangers are cracking down on not only the Mexican border, but also Californians. I didn't like the name "Texas" anyways, reminded me too much of "taxes" Welp, I guess it's Arizona, then! Anywhere but Rochester!"

Two months later...

"You know, I actually miss Rochester. Despite being so lame, it's not as lame as I thought. They actually have four seasons, a reasonable cost of living, some form of normalcy compared to everywhere else, and most importantly, water, Wegmans, and a lack of rattlesnakes, including the one that just bit me in the middle of the desert and left me to die here, all alone. The snow storms and high New York State taxes were the only lame part after all..

Wait, I just got a text from my old friend in North Carolina. Dammit, I should have moved there.."