Community college

“But I'm just not sure you gave it the ol' college try....... or in your case, the ol' community college try!”

~ An insufferable prick on your quitting of college

Alumni of community colleges don't typically make a habit of advertising their alma mater to friends and business partners.

A Community college (see also Clown College) is typically a generic, laid-back, more affordable college experience for those that did not get into a four-year university. Tuition is significantly cheaper, transfer classes have millions of prerequisites (to keep you there), and "FML" is a common phrase heard on campus.

Student Life

Typical students to be found at a community colleges include:ex-convicts, divorced mothers, foreign exchange students, "Bruthas", "Eses", "Good 'ol boys", people with low self-esteem, hippies, burnouts and degenerates. Half of the students attending a community college work, while the other half are in school "full-time" (if you theoretically believe any learning takes place at all). Students often attend a lecture of about 50 minutes, are expected to sit in extremely old desks that have been there since the Cold War period, and take notes that are written on the chalkboard (as opposed to the more contemporary markerboard). The screeching noise gets annoying. No moderm convienences such as powerpoint, we still use the overhead.When class is dismissed students rarely talk with one another unless they either know the person, or if they are collaborating on a group project together. This detachment is also commonplace between the student and teacher, as most students typically don't want to go so far as to even initiate a conversation with their teachers. Yes, the class environment within "communities" is very cold and sterile, and most students are only attending in hopes of one day being able to transfer to a four-year university. However, getting to a "four-year" from a "community" is no simple task as any student will find. There are many road blocks along the way such as: prerequisites, erratic and unusual class hours, obnoxious counselors, and small class sizes (which means you'll have to sign up for THIS class next semester!). In addition to all of this, there is also the fact that most communities are very low-budget institutions and can't afford some classes that you need to take in order to get into four-year universities. As any person will find as they begin their first community college semester, they should have stuck it out in high school, got good grades, and applied for four-years when they had the chance. In other words, community college is a place for your soul to die.

Faculty & Administration

Community colleges, as with all educational learning facilities, have a faculty and administration. The faculty, although diverse in educational and cultural backgrounds, do share a common characteristic: an inability to obtain a better teaching position at a more fulfilling educational institution. In fact, a recent study has shown that approximately 90% of all faculty and administration employed at community colleges once previously attended those colleges as students, and an additional 60% of those students never graduated from those community colleges.

Administrators

The administrators at community colleges are usually composed of bitter old dinosaurs that have become somewhat senile in their closing years. Once a "child of the sixties," these administrators have been employed at these institutions long before your parents were even born. Spending an average 1-2 hours on campus every day, these hardworking college administrators ensure that they provide the best possible college learning experience for their students. Such bold acts of charity include:

• Ensuring the hallways are always filthy.
• Ensuring that classroom supplies are never upgraded.
• Prolonging the inspection of the Science building, which everyone knows is not up to code.
• Striking down anyone who dares attempt to repaint the putrid-colored campus.
• Ensuring that EVERYTHING on campus has price to it (parking passes, drinking fountains, bathrooms).
• Making sure their plaques are hung on every empty wall around campus.
• Collecting their checks at the end of the week.

Faculty

See what I mean when I say they come to work stoned? ..... sigh...... I'm never gonna get out of this place..........

Faculty found at community colleges are a much more diverse group of people. However, they can almost always be classified into these common categories: Know-it-alls, Dinosaurs, Stoners, Dorks, Assholes, and Pretentious Assholes. Allow me to demonstrate: "Wow, Mr. Johnson sure is a pretentious asshole!". While the lectures these faculty members deliver to students is none the less satisfactory, it is simultaneously nothing special. Some teachers show up to work stoned out of their gorge! Others, like they've been up all night polishing the case to their Master's Degree at home in their half-million dollar mansion. After class, these individuals can typically be found back at their sparsely decorated office, usually with a bust of some ancient Greek intellectual on their desk, and awkwardly placed burgundy throw pillows on the couch across (there to encourage young schoolgirls to take FULL advantage of their "services"). They're also typically struggling to control their unkempt graying hair, and take great pride in wearing smelly worn-out corduroy blazers that ooze douchbaggery from every stitched fiber.

Often, faculty members will be seen wearing t-shirts depicting various artifacts of the indigenies, such as ceremonial tobacco pipes. However, said instructors are very sensitive about nicknames such as "Peace Pipes" that they might or might not have obtained at Williams Baptist College. However, more seedy faculty try to mask the fact that they enjoy taking drunken hikes through the woods at night with their students, making perilous jumps across creeks, which inevitably lead to having to strip each others clothes off to prevent hypothermia.

Counselors

The counselors at community colleges are some of the worst academic individuals on campus, and in some cases on the face of the earth! Highly skilled in crushing the dreams of young enthusiastic students, their primary objective is to break your spirit, make you feel stupid and worthless, and sign you up for millions of prerequisite classes that even you know you don't need!

It begins with a casual "hello" as you enter their office, and eventually descends into a one-way conversation as they lecture you about how difficult it is to get into a four-year university, and how you're better off just staying here taking prerequisite classes, all while subtly hinting at how your retorts are futile against their wall of academic jargon and education-technicals that you know nothing about!

Curriculum

Courses offered at clown, I mean community colleges are very similar to that found at four-year universities, with some differences. Community colleges require their incoming students to pass an impassable placement test, which usually results in the addition of prerequisite classes added to the class schedule. Prerequisites (pronounced cha-CHING) are courses that offer a review of rudimentary knowledge and skills that 99.99% of all enrolled students already possess. Why you ask? Why else? MORE MONEY! Well, money and for allowing their incompetent faculty to stay employed, and receive paychecks for their vague, unimpressive, sub-par teaching abilities. As a result, prerequisites are usually numerous and lettered, i.e. MATH-A, MATH-B, MATH-C (wow now they're just being patronizing assholes!) and share no common chronological or even coherent pattern (MATH-A precedes MATH-42, which is before MATH-G, which follows MATH-D, which is also equivalent in credits to MATH-36A). When put in technical terms: the curriculum at community college is a big steaming pile of caca-dookie!

Common Courses

An undergrad taking his final in Underwater Basket-Weaving 101.

Although each community college varies from region to region, each seems to share common courses with one another. Theses courses are highly useful and offer valuable skills that are relevant in today's world. They include:

• DOS Programming (non-transferable)
• FORTRAN Programming (non-transferable)
• Underwater Basket Weaving (non-transferable)
• Advanced Latin
• Advanced Greek (non-transferable)
• Custodian Arts (non-transferable)
• Astrology (non-transferable)
• McDonalds 101
• Alchemy
• Addiction Studies (non-transferable)
• Film Appreciation Class (non-transferable)
• Porn Appreciation Class (non-transferable)
• Waste-water Technology (non-transferable)
• Liberal Studies
• Conservative Studies (AKA Abstinence Education)
• Photography (non-transferable)
• Academic Guidance (non-transferable)
• Introduction to Class Taking Techniques (Transferable to Hickman University, Dyer, TN)

Community Colleges vs. Universities

Notice how community colleges vaguely resemble schools. They look more like old textile factories or abandoned warehouses, probably a front for selling drugs or trafficking immigrants(Crackton City College on the south side of Chicago).

The major difference between community colleges and four-year universities is that universities are moderately decent, and "communities" are not as good. At community colleges the teachers are usually inept and devoid of any scholarly mannerisms or diction, and often leave you wondering whether they're licensed to teach anything. At universities, students have the privilege of having sexual intercourse with their ugly slutty classmates. Students at community colleges usually have hot sex with any stripper of their choosing. At universities students typically engage in epic recreational parties that last long into the night, and in which alcohol is usually present. At community colleges the most fun students get to have outside class is to come home, crack open a beer and watch Grey's Anatomy.

Advancement

While it is entirely possible to advance from a community college on to a four-year university, corrupt and greedy college officials have deliberately gone out of their way to make it difficult for you to do so. A recent nationwide study has shown that only a minor 71% of students attending community colleges actually escape the torment of these hellish facilities and advance to four-year institutions. However, nearly 8% of these fortunate students have consequently become physically, psychologically, and socially drained of their original scholastic energy and ambition. That is why famous Anthropologist and Health expert Tits McGee believes it is best to avoid community colleges on the whole. He states "...if not for your future, then for your cognitive and physical health."

See Also

• University of Guantanamo Bay
• College Decisions
• College stereotypes
• Edumacation
• Failure University
• Uncycloversity
• The Indestructible Properties
• Purgatory