User:Natsyourlord/Organization XIII
“Woah, man! You frikin' raped me!”
“I don't see why being the only girl in this thing is bad, even if the whole group is made up of rapists and sexual harrassment people...”
“Yes, Xemnas is a truly tasty - I, I mean, tasteful! Tastefulful... member... of this Organization! I've considered joining it myself... I'm not gonna be raping little boys anymore. I'm raping BIG BOYS!!!! Wait... was that said aloud?”
“Those damn Nobodies. I mean, really. Heartless are, like, WAY sexier. And we have, like, more improtance and stuff. You know, we're just... better than them. Now where's my martini?”
From Kingdom Hearts, Organization XIII is a group of saboteurs who tried to kill Lord Sora. The Organization is, naturally, made up of thirteen official members. They also had a slave named Namine, but she was killed in the Great War between Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Brains and is therefore rendered unimportant.
The Nobodies[edit | edit source]
The Nobodies are weirdos off the streets who call themselves "Nobodies" to make other people feel bad. The truth is, they're all just trying to get laid. Many of them were actually real people like you and me, but they decided to act all bitchy and leave their comfortable jobs and lives to go live as what are more commonly know as bums. Bums are similar to the Heartless, otherwise known as Hitler, Fidel Castro, The Nazis, Voldemort, Hillary Clinton, Michael Jackson, Homer Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, the Zac Efron fangirls, et. all. Those known as heartless sex hounds, or as they are called in public, Glenn Quagmire, Timmy Turner, and Ranma Saotome, are completely unrelated to real Heartless. The difference is that Nobodies are able to think for themselves, whereas the Heartless act on instinct. Unfortunately, all Nobodies are wasting their intelligence by making signs that read "Will work for food", rather than plotting to take over the world.
This is the reason why the Nobodies are not in control.
The Organization, Itself[edit | edit source]
Organization XIII was founded by two brothers: Xemnas, the Inferior, and Saix, the Scarred Perfection. The group is made up of a bunch of Nobodies who just so happened to be found by Xemnas and Saix. All of them are currently attempting to kill Lord Sora.
I. Xemnas[edit | edit source]
Xemnas is the founder of the Organization, along with his brother Saix. He is a closet fag and is incredibly shy and unconfident, and so Saix dubbed him with the name "Inferior". Although he is inferior to the other members of the Organization socially, Xemnas is one of the most physically powerful members. He fights with lazers that look eerily like lightsabers or rods. Interpret how you wish.
In the Great War of Kingdoms Hearts and Brains, Xemnas worked as an assassin for Kingdom Brains. His main goal was to kill Lord Sora, using Namine as bait, but unfortunately Lord Sora was busy having a threesome with Kairi and Riku, and didn't notice Namine's obvious life-or-death situation. In frustration, Xemnas killed Namine, and went back to the Organization's headquarters to read porn. He forgot about the entire incident five minutes later, claiming to have "lost himself in the images of gorgeous naked women."
It's thanks to Xemnas that Xigbar joined the Organization. After a ferocious battle, Xemnas dragged an unconscious Xigbar back to the Organization's headquarters, where he raped him. After the incident, Xemnas told the frightened Xigbar that, in order to escape the torture, he would have to join the Organization. Xigbar naturally agreed.
Xemnas eventually learned through experience that if he wanted to make people join the Organization, he would have to ask them politely, and not rape them. This method never really worked out for Xemnas, but he managed to get by. He was overjoyed, however, when he found out that Demyx, who would join later on, was a bisexual. The two became incredibly close after this discovery, though none of the other members ever discovered the cause.
II. Xigbar[edit | edit source]
Xigbar was the third person to join the Organization, but due to the fact that Saix's favorite number was seven, he made himself that number, thus making Xigbar number II.
Xigbar was also involved in the Great War, although instead of fighting against Lord Sora, he was on his side. He, along with his coworker Oprah Winfrey, was working on how to taunt little boys named Sora in a big white castle when they were summoned into battle. There, after some freaking hardcore sex, Oprah and Xigbar were tragically separated due to the fact that Oprah got AIDS. In her depression, she became an alcoholic and a pothead, eventually killing herself.
Working as a decoy, Xigbar was in the middle of a fierce battle involving peanut butter, a slingshot, several hippies, and meatloaf when Xemnas kidnapped him and took him to the Organization's headquarters, where he was raped. This was especially humiliating because Xigbar is homophobic.
After that particular incident, Xigbar became a member of the Organization, but has always resented Xemnas. In fact, the real reason he joined was to see if he could get laid by any future members.
Xigbar fights with two gun-like blades that can fire bullets, lazers, and arrows. He has incredible offense and horrible defense, and a rush-in, skater attitude, which makes it hard for him to stay liked anywhere very long.
III. Xaldin[edit | edit source]
Xaldin was the fourth person to join the Organization. He is both the strongest and stupidest member, and was the first openly gay member. The only reason that Xemnas never slept with him is becaue he's so dreadfully afraid of him.
Xaldin joined the Organization because of a very... interesting... event. He was in New York City, strolling down a street, when he caught sight of a billboard advertising the Organization. Seeing as he is naturally evil, Xaldin warped to The headquarters, where he was accepted almost instantly.
Xaldin gets his title from his head of dreadlocks. Although he looks like a Jamaican version of Dracula, his alias is really Steve Leopard the Vampire Slayer (see The Saga of Darren Shan). Xaldin is also incredibly violent, which is also how he got his title. If you see him in the streets... don't piss him off.
Xaldin fights with seven spears that were originally crafted by Smoochiha Sausage, but found lying in the dirt. Xaldin picked them up and learned how to use them with vicious grace. He also fights with his awesome suckieness. Interpret how you wish.
IV. Vexen[edit | edit source]
Vexen is the absolute most retarded Nobody that ANYONE will ever come across. He carries a bobsled which he uses to slide into the wall and prays to god to smite his enemies if he breaks more than 10 bones. Other than that he is a useless fighter. The only other thing he has is his giant brain in a jar which other members talk to when they need help with their gay love lives. Fortunately, the brain does not make contact with Vexen's body, which is technically now an animated corpse.
Vexen tried to rape Jack Skellington while on vacation in Sunni days and Arabian Nights (located in Kingdom Livers) during one of his drunken rages, but the skeleton fucking owned his bitch-ass!!! Then, when he had no one else to turn to, he tried to create an army of monsters made from the DNA of Werebadgers, Crocodiles, Hobbes and Lindsay Lohan (a Heartless) that would bring him all of the hottest guys and animals dead, but the clones, being able to be male or female instead started to fuck each other. This caused them to turn into giant, pregnant Godzillas that ate sperm.
Devastated that his last hope was gone, he then prayed for Trekkie Monster to help him, but before he finished, he had his fucking head blown off by Shadow the Hedgehog, who was drunk on Kool-Aid. Vexen was then not-so-ceremoniously buried at sea by his fellow Organization members. Several years later, Robert Ballard found his boots lying among the shipwreck of the Titanic. The fucked-up bastard actually believed they belonged to a Titanic victim...
Vexen's brain is currently at Organization's HQ, where it still helps them with their pathetic morality problems and the fact that none of them has landed a spot on Oprah yet.
V. Lexaeus[edit | edit source]
Lexaeus is a mute freak who joined the Organization only because he was looking for an opportunity to beat up someone who was trying to get him to return to his home village defy him in his quest for power then sprouted wings and hit him in the chest with a giant lightning ball but at the last second decided not to kill him and left him his headband as a souvenier. This event has not happened to anyone that we are aware of, but is likely to occur soon.
Before joining up with the Organization, Lexaeus was under the alias of George H. W. Bush. He was plotting to become the President of the United States and take over the world, but right before he got the opportunity his son, George W. Bush, was born. Stunned by this sudden turn of events, Lexaeus ran off to Kingdom Brains, where he was found by Saix and was brought back to the Organization. The real George H. W. Bush was then let out of the closet he'd been locked in, and became president. Sadly, he was then assassinated for being such a bastard.
During Lexaeus's awesome one-man-battle in the Great War, He managed to be faced up against Yoh Asakura, Harry Potter, Patrick Star, Dr. Phil, and a rubber chicken simutaneously. Somehow, Lexaeus easily defeated all of them except the rubber chicken, who was unaffected by Lexaeus's tomahawk (we'll learn about that later). Lexaeus wore himself out trying to decapitate the chicken, and fainted. While he was out cold, the rubber chicken ressurected all of his allies, and they took permanent markers and scribbled a beard, Italian mustache, and snot on his face.
Lexaeus fights with an enormous tomahawk that weighs over 2,000 pounds. He uses it by swinging it in enormous circles, often not only cutting off his opponent's head but many other things, and once he sliced out his own vocal chords. This is why he is unable to speak and talk a woman into sleeping with him.
VI. Zexion[edit | edit source]
Zexion is a sad excuse for a Nobody, as Nobodies are always depressed. He started on his path to de-depression when his brother murdered his entire family and punched some black guy to death. Due to this, he was so traumatized that nothing could depress him ever again. He tended to get together with many others who aren't depressed but try, such as Ulquiorra Schiffer, Vincent Valentine, and that one guy that fails all the time to discuss how to become really depressed.
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