User:Mattsnow/World War II
| World War II | |||||||||
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| Belligerents | |||||||||
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| Commanders and leaders | |||||||||
|  Adolf Hitler: Charismatic leader, PhD in Eugenics. His critics argue he was too moderate.
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| Casualties and losses | |||||||||
| Total death count: 61,000,000 | Total death count: 12,000,000 |
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World War II resulted from a gentlemanly dispute over several important existential questions, such as: Why do we humans exist? Are we alone in the Universe? How many Russians could be gotten to perish in an armed conflict? What in God's name are we going to do with the Jews??
Answering these crucial questions took six years (from September 1st, 1939 to September 2nd, 1945), gave gainful, though sometimes temporary, employment to over 100,000,000, and amassed casualty figures rivaling the best pinball scores. That's a lot of people but not as many as those who died from coughing fits or playing host to fleas.
As great endeavors always require much time and concerted effort, whether in the fields of border-redrawing or genocide, World War II embodied the truism that, "If you are going to do something, do it well. Give it your all so you won't have any regrets." Mission accomplished: 73 million dead.
Background[edit | edit source]
Post World War I[edit | edit source]
At the end of WWI (World War I, then referred to as "The Great War", "The war to end all wars" or "We showed those Jerries what for, eh?"), several things happened of significant political importance.
One of the most significant in relationship to the triggers for the Second World War was the Treaty of Versailles. This was where the Allied forces (as opposed to the forces that were not quite as allied, just moving in roughly the same direction) determined the limits to which Germany could operate under in perpetuity. This included the loss of about 13% of their homeland, all of the overseas colonies, the prohibition on annexing other states, and the limitation on their ability to build up military forces. The level of reparations were extreme and would have taken them close to 70 years to pay back, much like a student loan would today - but without the benefit of having the qualifications needed to work in a convenience store.
One of the other advantages of the Treaty of Versailles was the creation of the League of Nations. This was primarily a diplomatic institution that was designed to stop all future wars. It was head quartered in Geneva as it was presumed Switzerland would always stay neutral in future wars. Also free chocolates were given every time nations agreed to go there to resolve a conflict instead of going to war.
The Depression and the rise of Fascism[edit | edit source]
(Just notes at this stage - flesh it out later) A humorous fact ensued. The first country to go for a 'revision' of the Versailles Treaty was Italy, despite that country being counted on the winning side in WW1. Italy's record of sticking to agreements was already as good as a Celine Dion's record. (In case anyone forgets, Italy was a military ally of Germany and Austria-Hungary at the start of WW1 before switching sides and attacking Austria a year later). The Italians gleefully stated they had been promised the Moon by Britain and France so failure to deliver was considered a national humiliation. But since Italy's military record in WW1 had been very poor, no one was scared of offending them.
This lack of respect for Italy was something Benito Mussolini wanted to change. He aspired to reviving the Roman Empire, envisioning himself splitting the wind in a toga and a chariot. To help him get there, Mussolini created the 'Fascist Party'. To make recruitment more attractive, new party members received a black shirt, a cosh and cans of castor oil to pour down the throats of opponents. Higher ranking Fascists got a gun and black boots to march about in.
In 1922 Mussolini demanded he be made the 'Il Duce' to lead Italy from chaos. (Yes, this scumbag made himself his own nickname. Just as Hitler did) His wish was granted by King Victor Emmanuel II, a name then people didn't associate with 1970s porn movies. Once in power, Mussolini imprisoned his enemies, shot some and made the trains run on time by executing all communist-inclined drivers. To others looking from outside, Mussolini appeared to be a man who knew how to combine dictatorship with a lot of dressing up and bombastic speeches urging other people to make 'a national sacrifice'. It was a lesson soon learnt by an ex-army corporal in Munich who was earning his keep as a waiter and president of the Bavarian Charlie Chaplin Appreciation Club. A year after Mussolini took power in Rome, Hitler tried the same in Munich. Imitating Italy's fascists, Hitler had gathered around him a party of like minded men who liked to drink a lot and wear leather shorts in all weather. They called themselves 'the Nazis' and originally included other activities like charity work and fun runs to improve their profile.
But Hitler had struck too early and more importantly, the Nazis hadn't got their schiesse together for the coup attempt. The Bavarian police broke up a drunken march by the Nazis on Munich's state parliament and killed a few who refused to stand up after falling over. Hitler was arrested and sent to prison to write out his confession. This was later turned into Mein Kampf:.
For the next 7 years Hitler went around Germany blaming all his personal problems on Jews, Communists, Social Democrats, Freemasons, Feminists. This was all the more bitter for Hitler as he saw how well Mussolini was doing in Italy.
- Italy came under fascist rule under Mussolini
- Hitler represented the fascists movement at the head of the Nazi party
- The depression hit
- Nazi's came to power
The Invasion of Abyssinia and the response of the League of Nations[edit | edit source]
- In 1933 Germany began a massive rearmament campaign - The league of nations did nothing
- 1935 - Italy invaded Abyssinia - the League of Nations did nothing
- Britain, France and Italy made an agreement to support the treaty of Versailles. Italy agreed in order to avoid having foreign interference in his invasion of Abyssinia - the League of Nations did nothing
- Hitler defied the Versailles and Locarno treaties by remilitarizing the Rhineland in March 1936 - the League of Nations did nothing
- France and Russia decided to make a mutual assistance pact in order to contain Germany - The league of nations finally did something - they made it virtually useless.
Increasing aggression[edit | edit source]
- Germany annexed Austria - France and Britain wrote them a stern letter asking them not to do it again.
- Germany claimed ownership of part of Czechoslovakia. France and Britain let them have it with the promise that they wouldn't take any more. Unfortunately, they forgot to ask Czechoslovakia about this, and Hitler took over the rest of the country.
- France and Britain panicked about Germany's growing ambitions, and created a treaty with Poland, to stop Hitler's further advance.
History[edit | edit source]
Invasion of the Land of Poles[edit | edit source]
World War II was started.[1] When the arrogant dictator Adolf Hitler started to reshape the face of Europe[2] no country had the balls to stand up to the Nazi leader. In fact, a little birdie told me that Germany was no longer allowed to rebuild an army due to the terms of the Treaty of Versailles.[3] Yet nobody stood up to Adolf and his henchmen.
It wasn't until Poland was being eyed by Hitler when things got frisky in Euro-town. France and Great Britain were keeping their eyes on Germany (like pussies, we should say) and threatened Adolf with war if the Nazis attacked Poland. Hitler said, "Bite me." When Hitler attacked Poland on September 1st, 1939, the country quickly fell. Great Britain and France declared war on Nazi Germany two days later.[4] Great Britain's own King George VI made a lovely speech on radio declaring war. He hardly stuttered at all... which is why British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain (who turns out to be quite the pansy not long after so) had to finish the broadcast with the solemn threat to inflict corporal punishment on Hitler's lying ass.
Following the declarations of war, a period of inactivity ushered in. This was known as the "make-yo-move" period, or Sitzkrieg if you are German.
Invasion of France[edit | edit source]
Eventually, Adolf Hitler was "tired of this shit", or "müde von dieser Scheiße", and told his generals:
| “ | Mutter ficken. Mutter ficken. Verdammt Französisch Homosexuell Juden Reisigbündeln. Verdammt Britannien Homosexuell Juden Reisigbündeln. Ficken rechts in die Muschi. Das ist verdammt Sitzkrieg über Hündinnen. Dringen Frankreich! Sie sind alle Fotzen! Nazi Leben meiner Heimat Brüder! | ” |
This literally Google Translates to:
| “ | Chicken fuck. Chicken fuck. Damn French bearded Jews fragments. Damn Kingdom Bay Jews bigots. Fuck right in the pussy. This is damn phony war over bitches. Penetration France! They are all pussies! Nazi lives of my brothers home! | ” |
Which should be:
| “ | Mother fuck. Mother fuck. Damn French gay jews faggots. Damn Britain gay jews faggots. Fuck her right in the pussy. This Sitzkrieg is fucking over bitches. Invade France! They are all pussies! Nazi life my home brothers! | ” |
Battle of Britain[edit | edit source]
After the French surrendered, Hitler was all like "bombardieren die Briten, hündinnen!" Which means, "bomb the British, bitches!"
Hitler betrays Stalin[edit | edit source]
And then Hitler was all like, "Fuck the Red Army. At least we have swagger."
Pearl Harbor[edit | edit source]
On December 7, 1941, Isoroku Yamamoto was all like, "Pāruhābā, guchi!" This is Japanese for, "Pearl Harbor, bitches!"
War breaks out in the Pacific[edit | edit source]
North Africa Campaign[edit | edit source]
Eventually, Benito Mussolini (Il DUCE) was killed.
D-Day and the Collapse of the Axis Powers[edit | edit source]
Red Army rapes Germany, literally[edit | edit source]
The Pacific War[edit | edit source]
Minor belligerents[edit | edit source]
The term World War implies that a large portion of the world was actively participating in the conflict, and to make up the numbers, several “utility nations” were covetously conscripted. Although these minor nations had a lesser impact on the end result than less than a gram of enriched Uranium dropped by the Enola Gay, what sort of half-arsed World War would it be without the contributions of these well meaning, yet incompetent nations? Sure, they may not have had a lot of bombs, guns, or pointy sticks, but they made up for it with their courage, endeavour, and remarkable body count.
Hungary[edit | edit source]
Hungary was the first nation apart from Germany, Japan, and Italy to sign the Tripartite act, and therefore predominately remembered for rendering the tri section of the pact somewhat redundant. The term Quadpartite Agreement just didn’t have quite the same rousing effect as Nazi Germany would have liked and they were subsequently kicked out the gang. The also got their asses handed to them by the Soviets.
India[edit | edit source]
India (called Hindustan, or Bhorat at the time), being provinces of British India, were naturally called upon to fight for the good guys in World War II, even in spite of the fact they were brown and smelly and had weird gods that were different to the almighty One that the promised the allied soldiers an effortless victory. The Indians committed three million troops (mostly recruited from the tops of trains) to the cause and they fought with courage and honour, gaining several smiley face stickers in the process.
Canada[edit | edit source]
Canada was drafted in by the US since they needed more people to peel potatoes on their vessels, not to mention all the dirty dishes that were accumulating. History may have forgotten that most Canadians disembarking in Normandy were wielding axes instead of rifles, which puzzled the Nazis for a few minutes.
Australia[edit | edit source]
The Australians played a bit of a role in the Pacific war. During the Battle of Midway, Captain Crunch led the Australian Navy. His cereal cannons were feared, but unfortunately, Germany found his weak point by spraying his ships with milk. They became pretty soft, then the Germans prepared the Spoon Cannons and bombarded Captain Crunch ships with them, sinking them easily. This is the reason why Australia failed to make an impact in the war. (And why Frosty, his most recent descendant, is gay.)