User:Kapuso/Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
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| Order | 14th President of the Philippines (2th Fuhrer of the 5th Red Banana Republic) |
| Term of office | |
| Vice President | (2001-2004) - Some old gay dude who won a wet t-shirt contest (2004-present) - Some wooden broadcaster who can't speak a word of English |
| Predecessor | Joseph Estrada |
| Successor | Noli de Castro, soon |
| Born | April 5, 1947 San Juan, Metro Manila |
| Death | Now, if possible Anywhere... I don't care! |
“Wow! I can't believe im with JLo, no, she's not JLo!”
“I am Yolanda's sister and i am also responsible for the assassination of Tejano Queen, Selena”
“Gloria resign!”
“Back off!”
“Dammit, and I'm the one labeled a slut?!”
“Her head's blowjob level!!!”
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo (born April 5, 1947) is the current and 14th President, 2nd Fuhrer after Ferdinand Marcos, and 10th American-controlled President of the banana Republic of the Philippines. She is the country's second non-male President after Corazon Aquino, and is also considered history's shortest head of state; shorter, in fact, than Napoleon. Frequently mistaken as an ewok that didn't quite climb high enough in the evolutionary ladder, rumor has it that the only reason people stand up during her speeches is because she's too damn short to be seen.
Gloria is also known in elite circles as the Mole of Asia because of a hideously abnormal growth on her left cheek, which medical experts believe is actually an alien relic implanted by the Catholic Church. She currently has the job of helping out George W. Bush stay in office (under the table, of course, to avoid the media). She is also known to media and people who are tired of writing her full name as GMA.
Gloria is also knows to gays as Tita Glo (Auntie Glo) while those people younger than her (whatever the height) calls her Ate Glo (Elder sister Glo).
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Gloria was actually born in The Shire before transferring to San Juan, Rizal. She is the daughter of the former President Diosdado "Diosdaddy" Macapagal and Evangeline "Evangelion" Macaraeg. She is fluent in English, Tagalog, Spanish, Esperanto, Quenyan, Antarctican, and several other Philippine and Middle-earth languages.
Gloria earned her Bachelor of Arts in Economics in Assumption College (1968), Master's Degree in Economics from the Ateneo de Manila University (1978), and Doctorate Degree in Economics from the University of the Philippines (1985). These educational institutions regretted giving their diplomas to her when she already applied what she have learned from them in her governance as President that resulted to increase prices of oil, food, electricity, water, clothes, shelter, barbeque, sandwiches, pastries, etc.
Presidency[edit | edit source]
Gloria gained the Philippine presidency when she incited mass hysteria known locally as "EDSA II" or "People Power the Second" to remove her predecessor Joseph Estrada from office in 2001. Her plan would have succeeded earlier during Estrada's reign were it not for the fact that she was busy tending to her cockfighting farm on Mars during her subservient stint as his vice president. Immediately after a high chair was installed in the presidential palace, which was sunk ten feet into the river to allow her to reach the chandelier, Gloria's first order of business was to rally millions of Filipinos to get off their asses and clean the urine-stenched mess they made at EDSA that put her into power in the first place.
Oakwood mutiny[edit | edit source]
After an all-night drinking session sometime in 2003, frustrated that they couldn't throw a TV off their penthouse window, a group of Emo soldiers took control of Oakwood hotel in Manila. Knowing of what emos are truly incapable of, and knowing that only emos would ever take control over a hotel with such a gay name, Gloria totally ignored them, and so the soldiers of the so-called Oakwood Mutiny slipped away into the rancid annals of history.
Jose Pidal controversy[edit | edit source]
A Philippine Senator and an obvious fan Harry Potter Panfilo Lacson (known to the Philippine National Police as Kuratong Baleleng) accussed Gloria's husband First Gentleman Mike Arroyo (also known as FG)of stealing money from somewhere and hiding it in a not-so fictitious name "Jose Pidal". Another Senator and Harry Potter wannabe Alan Peter Cayetano is also finding Jose Pidal, specifically in Germany. Unfortunately, until now Jose Pidal cannot be found elsewhere. Maybe he is using the pedal of his automotive or bike in order to escape from authorities. Who knows? He might gone to Hogwars to find Harry Potter!
Hello Garci Scandal[edit | edit source]
Oh, this is one of the most unforgettable scandals ever faced by the Gloria administration. This is actually an incident of cheating that she did last May 2004 elections and it was not proven by authentic wiretapped conversations of her with her favorite COMELEC Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano. According to the diary of the President, she blames this scandal to her Spokesperson and Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye because it is he who started it all. Wanna know how? [1]
It is he who started it all by exposing wiretapped conversations through CDs while the President tries to end this issue by saying "I am sorry." The Filipino people responded, "You are sorry!"
This scandal was also responsible for giving Virgilio Garcillano a new nickname: Garci
"Arrovo" bills[edit | edit source]
Arroyo's second (and most memorable) unfortunate passing in 2005 was caused by the accidental printing of bills with the name "Gloria Macapagal-Arrovo", causing a rupture in the space-time continuum that catapulted Gloria straight into Satan's willing buttcrack, burning her to a crisp. The space-time anomaly ultimately led to her replacement by one Gloria Macapagal-Arrovo, a similar being from one of Manila's existing parallel universes, who currently rules as queen of the Philippines until she schedules her regicide in 2010.
Extrajudicial Killings[edit | edit source]
Gloria, as Kira 4.0, kills numerous activitsts and journalists using her two Death Notes, named Armed Forces of the Philippines and Philippine National Police. It is owned by the Death Gods Hermogenes Esperon and Avelino Razon, respectively.
ZTE controversy[edit | edit source]
This controversy was started by a son of a friend of Gloria named Jose de Venecia III, son of Jose de Venecia II, obviously, when he started to expose the anomalies in the ZTE contract. Joey, as the senators, media, the Filipino people (just because of the media), his dad (not because of the media), and probably Santa Claus calls Jose de Venecia III, narrates this incident when COMELEC Chairman Benjamin Abalos and Mike Arroyo is bribing for ZTE to be the company to do the National Broadband Network (NBN). Joey is the co-founder of the Amsterdam Holdings which also bids for NBN but turned down because FG told Joey to "Back off!"
ZTE, a telecommunications corporation based in China, is recommended by various personalities, like Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago where she said, "China is the source of corruption in the far east" and various vendors of pirated VCD's and DVD's which came from China. Druglords also recommend ZTE to do the NBN because their imported drugs came from China.
The controversy is also responsible for changing the alphabet from ABCDEFG to ABZTEFG[1]. AB stand for Abalos and FG stand for Mike Arroyo, obviously.
There is another whistleblower in the ZTE controversy named Jun Lozada, a clone of Jennifer Lopez and probably a Madonna fan. After composing music that would kill Gloria, he made his own version of A (H1N1) or swine flu. Here are the symptoms:
- Crying or Sobbing like an emo
- Wearing a white shirt with the words "I'm an Emo and I'm lovin' it" in big black letters
- Dressing up as an emo
- Thinking that you can moonwalk and you are better than Michael Jackson
Call 911 if you have any of the symptoms. By the way, Jun Lozada is already dead, he was sucked by a black hole.
End of Presidency[edit | edit source]
Gloria can choose below on how to end her Presidency:
- Resignation
- Impeachment
- People Power... again!
Death[edit | edit source]
Gloria has been known to die many times. Her first death was recorded in 1998, when she was accidentally stepped on by an anonymous United Nations diplomat.
Try this Amazing Recipe for "Hello Garci" Bars![edit | edit source]
INGREDIENTS:
- 10-12 ground graham crackers
- 1/2 cup butter
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon powdered mint
- 1/2 teaspoon of Baguio City peanut butter
- 1 cup chocolate chips
- 1 1/3 cups sweetened flaked La Union coconut
- 14-15 ounces sweetened condensed milk
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
DIRECTIONS: Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. Mix cinnamon and mint with graham cracker crumbs. Add butter and stir to moisten. Press the mixture into a 9"x13" pan. Top the crust with peanut butter. Top with chocolate chips. Top with coconut. Mix vanilla into the condensed milk. Pour evenly over the top. Bake 20 to 25 minutes until the coconut becomes golden brown. Cool before cutting. Serves 15 (or 20 overly anal opposition senators).
Famous Quotes[edit | edit source]
- Hello Garci?
- I believe I am the best person to lead this nation.[2]
- I am not resigning my office.
- I recognize that making such call... was a lapse in judgement. I am sorry.
- Reporter: Do you still have sex?
- Gloria: Plenty![3]
Styles of Address[edit | edit source]
- Gloria Arroyo, pekeng Pangulo (Fake President)
- Gloria Arroyo, tuta ng Kano (American puppet)
- GMA is evil
- Gloria resign
- Luklukan ng Kasamaan (Full of evil, unlike Mary who is full of grace)
- Patalsikin si Gloria (Oust Gloria)
- Reyna ng Kasinungalingan (Queen of lies)
Images[edit | edit source]
A dangerous totem in Malacañang.
State of the Nation Address
Picture of Gloria with her Cabinet.
Commander Palparan, Execute Order 464!
Gloria's fascination with the Dark Side lead her to take the Presidency cunningly.
A State visit to Coruscant to meet with her master Emperor Palpatine
A typical 1x1 picture of the President
See Also[edit | edit source]
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ New protest ringtone: AB-ZTE-FG! TXTPower
- ↑ PGMA's Speech during the meeting with the Foreign Correspondents Association of the Philippines (FOCAP) Office of the President
- ↑ SEX & WOMEN OF POWER PHILIPPINE HEADLINE NEWS ONLINE
- ↑ Palace laments bishop’s anti-Arroyo ‘midget’ remark Philipine Daily Inquirer