User:DeletedUser0002/Springfield
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“We put the Spring in Springfield”
“Bite my shiny metal ass”
“Losers! Losers! Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville”
“A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man”
“A Nobel spirit explodes the smallest man”
“Springfield is nowhere.”
Springfield is a city in the state of Nowhere. All historical accounts agree that it sucks. It is the set of Guiding Light and The Simpsons. To summarize, Springfield=Bad. Shelbyville=Good.
History[edit | edit source]
Springfield was founded in 1796 by Jebediah Springfield, alias Hans Sprungfeld, after abandoning Maryland for misenterterpreting a Bible passage. Springfield died in 1804, which left his children Buffalo Springfield, Dusty Springfield, and Jebediah Springfield, Jr. to govern, which left things to go downhill. Another legend has it that Springfield was founded by nuns. Whichever has the nuns in it, that's not right. Anyways, here is a brief and complete history of Springfield.
- 1796 - Founded by Jebediah Springfield
- 1797 - Springfield Prohibition begins
- 1798 - Springfield Prohibition ends
- 1804 - Jebediah Springfield dies. (Wait have we mentioned that already?)
- 1804-1853 - Intermission
- 1853 - North Takoma becomes a state.
- Sometime between 1858 and 1919 - Grandpa shoots Teddy Roosevelt
- 1867 - Lisa's chart on pollution in Springfield begins
- 1904 - Grandpa chases the Irish out of Springfield Village
- 1909 - C. Montgomery Burns' driver's license expired
- 1919 - Chester J. Lampwick creates the TRUE Itchy & Scratchy
- 1927 - Grandpa meets Homer in a bar
- 1928 - That jackass Roger Meyers, Sr. creates Itchy & Scratchy
- 1930s - Grandpa writes a book on Grifting
- 1947 - Chester J. Lampwick works on painting Grandpa's farm. That lazy bum never finishes
- 1957 - Cat Burglar becomes established
- 1961 - Jasper and the boys stop having fun
- 1966 - Springfield Tire Fire opens
- 1974 - Stacy Lovell stopped her work with Malibu Stacy
- 1977 - Joe Quimby becomes Mayor of Springfield
- 1978 - The 60's ended
- 1979 - The last time a woman walked into Moe Szyzslak's bathroom
- 1989 - Springfield Tire Fire opens
- 1993 - Burns' Casino opens
- 1994 - Sideshow Bob becomes Mayor of Springfield
- 1994 - Joe Quimby becomes Mayor of Springfield (again)
- 1995 - Mr. Burns gets shot
- 1995 - Springfield becomes the location for the Radioactive Man movie
- 1997 - Springfield Prohibition re-begins
- 1997 - Springfield Prohibition re-ends
- 1999 - Burns' Casino closes
- 2004 - That rock formation that looked "the Old Man in the Mountain" in New Hampshire collapses.
- 2007 - Springfield becomes the most polluted city on Earth
Attractions in Springfield[edit | edit source]
- The Box Factory
- Maison's Derriere
Minorities in Springfield[edit | edit source]
- Blacks
- Asians
- Jews
- Amish
- Hillbillies
- Retired cowboy actors
- Gays
- Bums
- Asian-American Realtors/Sex Kittens/Republicans
- Bipolar Jewish clowns who behave like goyem
- Queer jerks named Waylon Smithers, Jr.
- 10-year-old bisexual weirdos
- Sexy belly dancers that 10-year-old bisexual weirdos want to sleep with
- Country singers
- Stoned bus drivers
- Bisexual dyslexic reportedly dead "smart" 38-year-old Jewish/Christian beer spokespeople whose real name is both Sid and Barry
- Mexicans who had a British accent in "Bart Gets Famous"
- Molemen who have died at least 20 friggin' times
- Asian-American chefs/karate instructors
- Women named Selma Bouvier Terlwilliger Hutz McClure Stu Simpson but might in the future carry the name Selma Bouvier Terlwilliger Hutz McClure Stu Simpson Zzyzwicz Simpson Gumble Leonard Brannigan Fry Farnsworth Man Mann Guy Simpson Guy Largo
- Usually quiet 17-year-old Left-handed Jewish English-speaking Old English-speaking Spanish-speaking Korean-speaking German-speaking Arabic-speaking Hebrew-speaking Latin-speaking Esperanto-speaking Klingon-speaking horse-back riding guitar-playing tap dancing Caucasian redhead bullies with two dads
- British people
- Old people
- Three-eyed Fish
- Narcissistic actors
- Lawyers who are also felons
- Grouchy music teachers
- Grouchy music teachers that are probably asexual but have been hinted to be gay
- Deejays named Bill and Marty
- Bisexual sea captains with two glass eyes and crippling depression, yar
- Gay Republicans
- Criminals that talk like stoners
- Low-life Christian bullies that watch soap operas with their prostitute mothers
- Drunkards born on April 20, 1960
- Sorry, no Mormons
Majorities in Springfield[edit | edit source]
- Stonecutters (There are 908 men in Springfield who are Stonecutters)
Who's in charge?[edit | edit source]
The mayor is some idiot named uh-ra uh-ra Quimby. He's a Massachusettsan jackass, Democrat, wife-swapper, tax-cheat, pot-smoker, former illiterate, and suspected illegal immigrant. He slept with at least 37 women. 37 WOMEN! I am truly amazed that that man does not have any STDs. Mayor Quimby, better known as Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnel The Edge Quimby, once had a bodyguard named Homer. In The End, Fat Tony tried to kill Mayor Quimby and nearly succeeded. He deserved it. He was a jerk to everybody. For a short time, Mayor Quimby was a musician and released an album entitled "Why Am I Such A Jerk?" If that's not bad enough, Mayor Quimby knocked Up a Beauty Queen. Believe me, Mayor Quimby's an idiot. He thinks The Answer to The Great Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything is 69. He also created a brainwashing program to hypnotize Homer.
The emperor isn't far much better. He's a sex offender, like Prince. He's also a filthy bartender. The emperor of Springfield is Moe Szyslak (as announced in The Simpsons Movie )
Faces of Springfield[edit | edit source]
The Simpsons, they live on 742 Evergreen Terrace
Ned Flanders, without a doubt, Springfield's most pious resident
Mayor Quimby, corruptus in extremus
Apu, the Friendly Indian
Lionel Hutz, notable felon and lawyer
“Hi, I'm Troy McClure, you may remember from such television shows as the Simpsons and The World's 100 Hottest Actors. Now, you may have thought I died in 1998, but you're confusing me with Phil Hartman.”
Jasper Beardly, the most notable and respected senior......in Springfield, that is.
Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, spiritual enlightenment department
Bill & Marty, comic enlightenment department
Krusty the Clown, comic enlightenment department
Kent Brockman, Ron Burgundy wanna-be
Otto Mann, Local bus driver/drug addict
Groundskeeper Willie, groundskeeper/Scot/town laughing stock
Lurleen Lumpkin, country singer/Homer-humper
Artie Ziff, billionaire/stalker
Hans Moleman, NOT CURRENTLY DEAD
Rich Texan (actually born in Connecticut)
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski (name is fairly self-explanatory)
Sideshow Bob, depraved thespian/attempted murderer/mayor of Springfield/mayor of Italy/face-stealer
Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney: Hard-asses
Benjamin, Doug and Gary: Not hard-asses
Martha Quimby, the often quiet wife of the Mayor of Springfield, undoubtedly one of the most sane people in Springfield (She also looks like Jackie'O)
Mindy Simmons, the attractive niece of Gene Simmons
Princess Kashmir, alias Shauna Tifton, belly-dancer; love interest for preteen boys
Disco Stu, the Jesus of Disco
Oh yeah! Duffman!
The Bumblebee Man (I-YI-YI!)
Moe Szyslak, bartender/rapist/stalker/sex offender/self-proclaimed Emperor of Springfield/illegal immigrant from Armenia
Barney Gumble when he's drunk
Barney Gumble when he's sober (There is a difference!)
Comic Book Guy, comic book guy
Cookie Kwan, Asian-American realtor/sex kitten/registered Republican
Titania, the chick with big boobs
Amber Dempsey, every pedophile's wet dream
Miss Springfield, real name unknown
Sara Sloane, actress (Get a load of her cleavage!)
Chief Wiggum, AKA Chief Piggum
Waylon Smithers, little faggot
Jake the Barber, owner of Jake's Unisex Hair Place
Dr. Nick Riviera, your stereotypical dishonest doctor
Eleanor the Crazy Cat Lady
Professor Frink, Jerry Lewis impersonator
Wanda, 2nd grade student/possibly born in France
Janey Powell, she'll surely give you jungle fever
Ralph Wiggum, got this off my thumb drive
Coach Lugash, the world's only German with a Romanian accent.
Luigi, immigration status unknown
Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico, still deceased
Rainier Wolfcastle, cheap Schwarzenegger rip-off
The Yes Guy, he had a stroooooooooooooooooooooooooke
Seth & Munchie, the world's most beloved hippies
Number One, president of the Springfield Stonecutters
Stephen Hawking, owner of Little Caesar's
The Simpsteins
Trivia[edit | edit source]
That crippled racist atheist English scientist owns a Little Caesars in Springfield. I HATE THAT GUY! Remember that Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.