Intermission

“Intermissions are for weaklings.”

~ Piccolo on Intermissions

In the performing arts, the intermission is a scheduled potty break set to music.

Types and composition

Intermissions come in three basic lengths: very short, medium-sized, and whopping great. The beginning of each intermission is announced by a very loud gong at a seemingly random moment in time. The audience is then herded en masse by professional crowd control specialists armed with bullhorns, whips, and electric people prods towards the nearest restrooms.

The music which accompanies the intermission is in three movements: a short introduction in strings, horns, and kettle drums which establishes the overall theme; the bulk of the piece which utilizes all of the resources of a major orchestra and a full boys choir; and a final closing measure which is a stylistic variation of "shave and a haircut".

Very short intermission

During the smallest intermissions, the audience is allowed only a few precious seconds to expel accumulated bodily fluids. If any audience members are late in getting back to their seats, they are penalized by being forced to stand in the theatre's penalty box for the next ten minutes whilst wearing blindfolds, ill-fitting nose plugs, and funny looking hats.

Medium-sized intermission

The standard intermission has been defined by the Bureau International des Poids et Mesures as exactly e^π millifortnights (as determined by a caesium atomic clock). According to the theory of Special Relativity, a theatre which is moving at 86.6% of the speed of light should experience standard intermissions twice as long as normal. However, recent experiments in accelerating entertainment complexes to relativistic velocities have determined that the patrons would gain little in the way of benefit by this, as they would instantly be killed by by falling into a singularity. Death by gravitational collapse, according to their purchased ticket stubs, is "nonrefundable".

Whopping great intermission

The whopping great intermission is comparable in duration to the longest geologic epochs. This gives regular theatre-goers more than ample time to stretch their legs, conduct ruinous financial transactions in response to earlier subliminal advertising, and, if necessary, give birth.

Famous composers who wrote Intermission music

• Mozart: Ein kleine Toilettezeit
• John Cage: 1'25" of Embarrassing Farting Noises
• Handel: Water Music
• Beatles: Why Don't We Do It in the Loo

See also

• Theatre