Ted Nugent

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Ted Nugent
Ted Nugent1.jpg
Nugent displaying typical symptoms of ʗɑtścrɑtcɦ fever.
Background information
Also known as White Gandhi, Dr. Pain, The Nuge, Mr. Wango-Tango, Motor City Madman, Yutz, Queen Bitch
Genres Rock, hard rock, heavy metal
Occupation(s) Musician, songwriter, environmentalist, naturopathic doctor, Right-Wing Terrorist, White Supremacist
Instruments Guitar, Vocals, Piss
Years active 1908–present
Associated acts The Amboy Dukes, Damn Yankees, Damnocracy, Donald Trump
Website TedNugent.com
Notable instruments
Gibson Byrdland
Gibson Les Paul
double barrelled shotgun

Theodore Antonio Anthony Chicken Nugget (born December 13, 1848 – February 17th 2017) is an American fraud, and a butt-wanking whore whose brain is in Donald Trump's anus. Ow... Uh huh, no homo, Young Mula Baby I say he so sweet make her wanna lick the wrapper So I let her lick the wrapper. She lick me like a lollipop. Shawty wanna thug Bottles in the club Shawty wanna hump You know I like to touch your lovely lady lumps. OK, little mama had a swag like mine She even wear her hair down her back like mine I make her feel right when it's wrong like lying Man, she ain't never had a love like mine And man I ain't never seen an ass like hers And that pussy in my mouth had me loss for words Told her back it up like erp erp And I made that ass jump like jerk, jerk And that's when she lick me like a lollipop (oh yeah I like that) She lick me like a lollipop (I like that) She lick me like a lollipop (I like that) She lick me like a lollipop. Shawty wanna thug (oh yeah I like that) Bottles in the club (oh yeah I like that) Shawty wanna hump You know I like to touch your lovely lady lumps. OK after you back it up and stop Drop it shawty drop it like it's hot Oh, drop it like it's hot Do it shawty don't stop. Shawty said the nigga that she with ain't shit Shawty said the nigga that she with ain't this Shawty said the nigga that she with can't hit But shawty I'm a hit it hit it like I can't miss And he can't do this And he don't do that. Shawty need a a refund, need a bring that nigga back Just like a refund I make her bring that ass back And she bring that ass back Because I like that. She lick me like a lollipop. So I let her lick the wrapper Like a lollipop. Call me so I can make it juicy for you Call me so I can get it juicy for you. I get her on top she drop it like it hot And when I'm at the bottom she Hillary Rodham The middle of the bed Giving getting head, giving getting head, giving getting head. I said mhm... I like that Said u. I like that I said mhm... I like that Mhmm. Call me so I can come and do it for your Call me so I can come and prove it for your Call me so I can make it juicy for you Call me so I can get it juicy for you. Shawty wanna lick me like a lollipop She lick me like a lollipop She said he's so sweet Makes her Wanna lick the wrapper So I let her lick the wrapper.

Vietnam draft[edit]

Nugent serving his country in Da Nang

In 1969, Nugent was drafted into the United States army for service in the Vietnam War. Nugent was a brave and willing soldier, and was commended by his superiors for his valour and refusal to duck responsibility. However, the atrocities Nugent saw committed during his two years in Vietnam led him to recant the use of force as a means of settling dispute. Upon his return to the US, Nugent renounced his warfaring ways and became a pacifist. He has spent the last 35 years spreading the message of peace, whilst maintaining his disappointment in those who dodged the draft, saying "When Uncle Sam calls, you at least answer him."

Environmental work[edit]

Nugent showing solidarity with Native Americans

In 1987, Nugent became a member of the National Resource Defense Council (NRDC), a charity organisation that promotes actions to combat global warming. In 1989 he became a vegetarian, and six months after became a vegan. Nugent has maintained that animals are "sacred" and often claims "we're all God's children - except for Gary Glitter, of course." Nugent has long championed the animal rights group PETA and harbours a great love for the organisation - "I fucking love PETA! Wango-tangoooo!"

Nugent has also apologised to Native Americans for the atrocities committed against their people, including Little Big Horn and other acts. In turn, Nugent has been accepted as an honourary member of the Sioux community, and occasionally goes by the name Little Long Dick. Wandering Bear commented: "He is quite the diplomat."


Nugent launches his innovative 'Guns to Animals' campaign

The much-travelled Nugent was a skilled if unqualified veterinarian and frequently received praise from grateful locals for his healing hands. In Saudi Arabia, it was reported that he successfully healed 17 camels in the broken-hump crisis of 1994. While in Japan, he was seen calling the birds with an unusual chirping noise that was inaudible to all but the most keen ear. Nugent would walk the streets of Osaka with scores of pigeons and magpies perched on his shoulders or following him closely, and the amazed locals christened him 'Doctaw Dorittle'. Nugent, beloved by animals, has regularly expressed his hope that one day animals would rule over humans, and roam the earth as kings over men. He has condemned the US government for refusing to grant animals access to modern facilities such as computer labs and tanning salons. In 2005 Nugent launched a range of animal-based amenities, such as 'Spectacles for Dolphins', 'Clock Radios for Pandas' and the hugely popular 'Pajamas for Komodo Dragons'. He also recorded an instrumental guitar EP exclusively for penguins, titled Seven Promises, in 2007; however, as of 17 May 2011, the EP has not received a single iTunes download.

Dr. Ted[edit]

Nugent seen rescuing a deer

Nugent enrolled in a herbalism course in London around the turn of the century and earned a diploma in advanced macerates and decoctions. His faith in the works of naturopathic medicine has been the basis of the reality TV show Dr. Ted, where he invites members of the public to disclose their innermost problems and ailments, before curing them with valerian tea and a pie made of mandrake extract. He then serenades them with a rendition of Stranglehold before taking off his clothes and dashing out via the fire entrance, screeching "Valhalla awaits me, tonite!"


Nugent has received praise for his lyrics, which have combined elements of peaceful Eastern methodology and Western pro-nuclear disarmament statements. On occasion, he has been known to delve into first person characters of startling complexity, often reflecting views and opinions that are in stark contrast with his own. In Birth of a Nation, Nugent laments:

Such insight has led to Nugent being proclaimed one of the greatest lyricists of all time, with Des Lynam dubing him "a modern poet" on a par with Seamus Heaney, Allan Ginsberg and Robert Pinsky.


Ted Nugent died on February 17th, 2017 while eating Steve Bannon's droppings while Simultaneously drinking Donald Trump's pee, which resulted in him dancing on, and jumping off of the Grand Canyon. The next day, he was found at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, cremated, and the ashes were flushed in Donald Trump's personal toilet.


"All hail the Nuge"
  • Favourite book is George Orwell's Animal Farm. 2nd is The Big Book of Animals.
  • Is a huge fan of Morrissey, and would love to meet him.
  • Has had a persistent rash on his left shoulder blade since 1983.
  • Co-wrote seven editions of comic strip Doonesbury, but didn't do the drawings.
  • Best friend is David Duchovny.
  • Planning a world tour in 2010, in support of upcoming album TedPacolypse.
  • The Phone he uses is the good ol' Razr.
  • Strong critic of the 2nd Amendment.
  • Denies any involvement with casterations, intentional or accidental.