User:Aleister/Isaac Asimov

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Isaac cleverly hides his ear hair behind his fist
Isaac hated mindreaders.


“Isaac Asimov is in reality, based on something I had invented a few years previously.”

~ Arthur C. Clarke on Isaac Asimov

“Isaac Asimov's return has been predicted mathematically and that there will be many more Foundation Novels!”

~ Hari Seldon on Isaac Asimov

“He's not me.”

~ Isaac Newton on Isaac Asimov

Isaac Asimov was born into a robot family in the summer of 1812 in a galaxy far far below. His childhood was miserable, other robots always made fun of him. When he brought up he wrote several books on the matter. He invented the famous Asimov Award to award those same books, a prestigious award that lives on with Elvis in an undisclosed location in Transylvania. The Asimov Award was later won by other known robots such as Danny DeVito, Mohammed Ali, Genghis Khan, The Terminator and Data. He is most known for his work in composing the 9th symphony and editing Encyopedia Brown to coincide with his admittedly boring political stance. Isaac was never quoted for saying, "I imagine I am a genie in this image nation", but every scifi buff has had a dream of him screaming that in their face.

Summoning[edit | edit source]

Asimov was not like other children. At a small field in Jarkarta, India, he was summoned by a powerful witch doctor. Being summoned without a soul, Isaac became very bitter throughout life, which is related to his sub-par upbringing due to his father's learning disability. Unfortunately, his propensity for telling bad jokes made him unpopular among the local monkeys.

The Early Years[edit | edit source]

Isaac was colour-blind. Being summoned without a mother had its side effects, like his vicious hatred toward vandalism. At age six, he wrote his first book entitled "Foundation," which detailed the inner workings of building foundations. It became an instant best seller on the French Fruit market and went on to win numerous awards for literary excellence. He killed his first fruit bat at age 9, which is still enclosed in a glass case at his residence, which he named "This is where Foundation was written, bitches." A statue of himself in front of his house has that name etched into a solid plate of gold, which is guarded by a group of police that are forced to wear Asimov masks.

Witchcraft and Congress[edit | edit source]

After his formal education was complete in 1843, Asimov moved to New Jersey where he married a female necromancer named Bertha Zuul (whom Asimov affectionately calls "Big Zuul"). Big Zuul was a level 12 Necromancer, complementing Asimov's level 3 paladin, and giving him +3 magic. They wed on September 8, 1910. Bertha Zuul Asimov, shortly after their wedlock, was caught sleeping with a zoo keeper and tried for adultery. The charges were dropped. The court, aided by Isaac, found a way to incriminate her. On December 12, 2001, the court found Bertha Asimov guilty of possessing illegal downloads. She was burned in a fire spirit which was fuelled by Isaac Asimov's science fiction collection.

Death[edit | edit source]

Isaac Asimov was found dead, slumped over a table, having overdosed on thiotimoline. It appeared that the liquid was badly cut and had caused his whole bloodstream to evaporate, having exhaled his entire blood content. He was 1,337 years old. There are recent reports that Asimov had been stolen by the time police for trying to practice witchcraft. No one believes this because in the entire history of time, only four cats have ever escaped the clutches of the time police. It is more commonly suspected that Asimov belonged to the Swedish Pocket-Watch Mafia and deep-sixed by gnomes. The nerds over at Wikipedia think he died of AIDS. Only Robert Heinlein knows the truth.

The Laws of Isaac Asimov[edit | edit source]

The First Law of Isaac Asimov states that no writer of Science Fiction may be mentioned before Asimov.

The Second Law of Isaac Asimov states that this goes double for Robert Heinlein and Arthur C Clarke, except where such mentioning conflicts with the first law.

The Third Law of Isaac Asimov states that the words "Foundation and" can precede any other word, with the possible exception of "Foundation", as long as such wording does not conflict with the first or second law.

A later Zeroth Law was added which states that no writer of any genre may be mentioned before Asimov.

(We don't know whether this is a pun about the Three Laws of Newton or the Three Laws of Robotics as well.)

Books[edit | edit source]

Asimov wrote many, many books. In fact, a veritable shitload of books. Some recent theories have even gone so far as to suggest that Asimov actually wrote every book in human history, including the bible, the complete works of William Shakespeare, as well as the famed Iliad and Odyssey, which he is reported to have sung before gathered crowds of entranced Greek warriors. The following list includes his most popular titles:

The Robot Trilogy[edit | edit source]

The Galactic Umpire Trilogy[edit | edit source]

  • The Stars, Like, Dusted
  • The Currants of Space
  • Peebles in the Sky with Diamonds

The Foundation Trilogy[edit | edit source]

  • Foundation and the Stuff That Comes Under Foundations (also published as: Basements and Ground)
  • Foundation
  • Walls and Floors
  • Ceilings
  • Foundation and Me
  • Foundation and the Philosopher's Stone
  • Foundation and the Prisoner of Azkaban
  • Foundation and the Goblet of Fire
  • Foundation and the Half-Blood Prince
  • VNV Foundation
  • Foundation and The Incestual relationships among the clerics during the low middle ages and before. (Also known as "If you believe the title of this book is too long, you might be right, but that's the way the author likes it, so mind your own business")
  • Foundation and Makeup Tips
  • Lost and Foundation
  • The Phantom Foundation
  • Attack of the Foundation
  • Revenge of the Foundation
  • A New Foundation
  • The Foundation Strikes Back
  • Return of the Foundation
  • Psycho History (thriller)

The Lucky Starr Trilogy[edit | edit source]

  • Lucky Starr, the Gay Ranger
  • Lucky Starr and the Pirates of the Hemorrhoids
  • Lucky Starr's Venereal Trip
  • Lucky Starr does Saturn
  • Lucky Starr Gets Medieval on Uranus
  • Lucky Starr and the Unlucky Star

Other books[edit | edit source]

  • Why robots don't have wet dreams
  • Robot versions of great sitcoms
  • Muttonchops and the Women who Love Them
  • [Cool Points]
  • Oh Shit, My Son Is A Kid*dam (with 45th wife)
  • Pokédex
  • Amazing Bullshit (compiler)
  • Night flight to Venus
  • The Ultimate Guide to Writing a Computer Program to Generate Science Fiction Novels
  • Asimov on Phrenology
  • Asimov on Gynaecology
  • Asimov on Asimov
  • Asimov on "Asimov on Asimov"
  • Asimov on Steroids
  • Asimov on Acid
  • Asimov on Drugs
  • Why Time Machines are Impossible and How to Make One.
  • Asimov The Musical

Other Writings[edit | edit source]

  • Ay yi yi Robot TV script for "I Love Lucy"
  • Elroy Gets Stoned and Judy Gets Kiddnaped two rejected scripts for the cartoon "The Jetsons"
  • Lucy Visits the Eighth Dimension TV script for "I Love Lucy"
  • An Analysis of Carbon Deposits and Hydrocarbon Emissions from Mu Muscae-VII a rejected script for a "Star Trek" episode.
  • I am the Operator of my Pocket Calculator lyrics with famous robotic german band Kraftwerk.
  • Advanced Basic programing for TRS-80


Music[edit | edit source]

Asimov was also a prolific singer and songwriter. He wrote and performed the song Night Train to Mundo Fine in the Coleman Francis film Red Zone Cuba. Asimov also frequently opened for headliners such as William Hung and The Bangles.

See Also[edit | edit source]

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