UnNews:Weinsteins: "We are fucked!"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 December 2009

Harvey (left) and Bob Weinstein are so desperate that they are looking for somebody -- anybody! -- to pitch the next Halloween movie.

SOME STREET, USA -- Jewish movie producing brothers Bob and Harvey Weinstein held a press conference Wednesday to make a shocking announcement -- the most horrifying thing uttered by the brothers since "Daeg Faerch has been recast." They announced their financial status -- "We are fucked!"

Loitering at their new home in front of Rupert Jee’s Hello Deli -- often featured on The Late Show with David Letterman -- Harvey, wearing a Mr. Brooks T-shirt and ripped jeans, admitted that he and his brother have been feeling the pinch of the recession.

"In these times, it is important for us to churn out consistent blockbusters and smash hits year after year. Unfortunately, we have fallen a wee bit short of that goal," says Harvey. uhhhhh ohhhhhh shit "For every Halloween 2007 or 1408 or Inglourious Basterds, we have a string of flops like The Nanny Diaries, Who’s Your Caddy?, Mr. Brooks, Clerks II, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Zack and Miri Make an Unnecessary Sequel, Zack and Miri Make a Western, Zack and Miri Make a Film Noir, Zack and Miri Remake Citizen Kane, Halloween II, and our SECOND most notorious flop -- Grindhouse. Our failures greatly outnumber our successes."

"We have been so fucked ever since we left Miramax and Disney in 2005," says Bob. "But we plan to make it all up to you."

Retarded monkey outlining his Halloween pitch.

The elaborate plan? The Weinsteins are seeking pitches for the next entry in the popular Halloween horror film series with masked slasher Michael Myers returning to Haddonfield yet again. Fans, amateurs, and professional screenwriters are all encouraged to give the brothers their own unique take on the bloody John Carpenter saga, which has had more ups and downs than Menudo has had members.

"We’ve gotten a few good pitches so far," says Harvey. "Some want to go back to the Thorn storyline. Some want to pick up from Rob Zombie’s H2. Some want to ignore H2. Some want us to do something similar to -- or remake -- Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Some want us to pick up after the dreadful but still watchable Halloween: Resurrection. We’ll take pitches from anybody, whether you’re Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, Kevin Federline, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, a retarded monkey, Uwe Boll, or George W. Bush. We’ll hire that Billy Jack guy if we have to."

Halloween 3D is unlikely to be released sometime in 2010 or 2011. "Why do you ask?" wonders Harvey. "What’ve ya got?"

I told him my idea was to have Daeg Faerch return as young, teen, and adult Michael Myers, cast Christopher Lee as Dr. Loomis, and take the saga in a different direction -- effectively retconning, white-collaring, and making suspenseful Zombie’s two efforts while reverting Michael Myers to the Shape he once was. "That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard! Can you start Monday?"

Also slated for eventual release: A remake of Hellraiser; Scream 4; Pirhana 3D; Spy Kids 4; Gone with the Wind ReVAMP’d; Zack and Miri Make a Teen Vampire Movie; and other unspeakable abortions of celluloid, with the exception of Scream 4.

Rob "Traitor" Zombie announces in March that Daeg Faerch has been recast, for reasons that everybody (except Rob Zombie) knows are wrong and stupid.

The Weinsteins have suffered severe drawbacks since their 2005 split from Miramax and its parent company Disney. After scoring hit after hit -- with such classics as Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, the Scream Trilogy, I Don’t Give a Shit What You Did Last Summer, I Still Don’t Give a Shit What You Did Last Summer, Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later, Scream 2, Scream 3, Stupid Movie, Stupid Movie 2, and Honey, I Turned the Kids into Spies -- the two Myers-loving Jews decided to bail out on the House of Mouse and do their own thing. They formed The Weinstein Company, LLC, and have produced an embarassingly uneasy filmography, co-distributing many of their 2007 titles with MGM.

They did manage to score hits that year with the Ninja Turtles reboot TMNT, the Stephen King horror tale 1408, and Rob Zombie’s first Halloween effort. However, the rest of the slate failed miserably, most notably the Quentin Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez double feature Grindhouse.

Things only got worse until the release of Inglourious Basterds -- co-distributed by Universal -- secured them some income. But it has been a downward spiral from there. Their next release, Zombie’s Halloween II, received box office returns that make Snakes on a Plane look like The Dark Knight. H2 played eighth banana to The Final Destination - 3D, and its failure led the Weinsteins to desperately announce a 3D Halloween, to be written by Todd Farmer and directed by Patrick Lussier (both of My Gratuitously Bloody Valentine 3D fame). However, their involvement remains up in smoke, as Lussier is busy filming some Nicolas Cage movie that nobody is ever gonna see.

In other Rob Zombie news, the rumors that he will be directing CSI are untrue. The traitor has announced that he will instead be directing an ultra violent episode of the popular sitcom Two and a Half Men. The ratings are expected to drop immensely.

As for the Weinsteins, like the song goes "it’s cold outside."

"Please somebody give us some money," whines Bob.

Harvey quips with "Look what you did to us, Rob Zombie!"

It is still unconfirmed whether the man behind the Weinsteins in the uncropped version of that picture is Mr. Zombie or a different bum on the street.

Sources

• Rob "Crappier" Zombie "Weinstein Co. wants new pitches for Halloween 3D" Screen Rant, December 10, 2009

• Chase Wright Vanek a.k.a. "Change Wrong Panic" "Rob Zombie potentially directing CSI" Film School Rejects, December 09, 2009

• Dr. Cole Abaius "A dreadful look at the Weinstein Company’s financial trouble" Film School Rejects, June 11, 2009