UnNews:Obama encourages dead people: "Don't boo, vote!"

Tuesday, October 29, 2024

"Don't Boo, Vote!" logo, designed by the same artist behind the brilliant Obama '08 'O'

W

e're just a few days away from the scariest night of the year - Election Day - and with the race being unpredictable to even the most powerful mystics, former President Barack Obama is reaching out to the Democratic Party's most reliable voting bloc: Dead people. In a campaign marketed as "Don't Boo, Vote!", Obama has lead the initiative to ensue every ghost, phantom, wraith, banshee, zombie, mummy, vampire, goblin, ghoul, demon, lich, and even a few animated skeletons are registered to vote.

Speaking on the steps of a mausoleum in a creepy abandoned cemetery to an audience of seemingly no one, Obama made the case for voting to the living impaired:

“

The legacy of a nation is defined by those who live today, those who will live tomorrow, and those who lived before. I know you're tired, you want to rest in peace, but we can't rest when the future of democracy is at stake. During this hallowed season when the veil that divides the living and the deceased is lifted, we ask that you, too, reject the politics of division. Reject the politics of tricks, and indulge in the politics of treats. While you're out this week haunting and making noise, the loudest noise you can make is taking a moment to haunt a voting booth and making your wails heard. Make deciding the future of our country your unfinished business. Don't boo. Vote!

”

Inspired by Diddy's "Vote or Die!" campaign and then completely subverting that dynamic after he was arrested, the "Don't Boo, Vote!" campaign has the Democratic Party promoting outreach programs to graveyards across the country. Including, but not least of all, Indian burial grounds for the indigenous community. Visiting haunted houses and knocking on doors is also a crucial aspect of the campaign. Volunteers are walking door-to-door while wearing spooky outfits to appeal to the voters' sensibilities. Outreach to vampires has primarily involved pouring blood money into ads directed towards Transylvania voters. In a stroke of mad genius, Democrats are registering both spirits and reanimated corpses so that a single dead person has the ability to vote twice. Free hearse rides to a polling place will be provided for the undead in case they're one of those slow-walking zombies.

Though technically still among the living, 100-years-young Jimmy Carter has participated in "Don't Boo, Vote!" through early voting.

Kamala Harris has already earned the endorsement of several prominent ghouls.

The constitutionality of the campaign will undoubtedly be challenged by Donald Trump and the Republican Party. Fortunately, the Supreme Court previously ruled in favor of the dead's right to vote in the 2015 landmark case Ash vs. Evil Dead. The eligibility rules for specific types of dead people vary:

Zombies must have their burial places be American soil.
Ghosts are allowed to vote so long as they've haunted within the United States for at least 200 years and haven't crossed over to the other side.
Demon possessions count as multiple votes, since the mortal being possessed qualifies as an "anchor host" for the demons who've immigrated from Hades.
A Frankenstein monster, considering IT'S ALIIIIIVE, still only counts as one vote rather than multiple votes for the individual dead people stitched together.

The Court's decision was ultimately decided when Speaker of the House Republican John Boehner asked rhetorically, "What would the Founding Fathers think of this?" To which the judges consulted a Ouija board and learned that the Founding Fathers were cool with it. Boehner was so disgusted that he immediately resigned two days before Halloween.

The initiative to get dead people to vote completely contradicts Governor Tim Walz's previous statements on the campaign trail, "We'll sleep when we're dead!" When pressed about this, Walz insisted that he misspoke and that he's always been supportive of the dead community and their right to engage in the political process. He then later called JD Vance a weird little creep, which further offended the creep community. Walz is expected to do damage control this week by sitting down to an interview the Cryptkeeper.