UnNews:Astronomers change the name of Betelgeuse so they'll stop summoning an asshole ghost

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Monday, October 28, 2024

Science has no place for the supernatural.
A

stronomers around the world are coming together to change the name of the star Betelgeuse, because every time someone says its name exactly three times, they somehow summon a chaotic ghost from the Netherworld.

The red supergiant, located in the Warner Brothers constellation and first discovered by Timothy Burton in 1603, has a dedicated fandom across the world due to the fact that it's expected to go supernova at any point. After which case, the nebula gasses with disperse, eventually coming together once again to form another brand new star years later, referred to in the scientific community as a "soft reboot".

While officially designated as α Warnis, or Alpha Warnis, the star is popularly known as the less formal Betelgeuse. This has caused a lot of pain and torment, since apparently that's the name of a skeevy ghost who likes to fuck around with mortals. Sightings of the B-man have occurred everywhere from colleges to high school classrooms. Even in dorky planetariums where teenagers go to screw in the dark, the teens will sometimes find themselves getting a taste of a less savory BJ.

UnNews tried to reach out to astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson to answer questions about the phenomenon, himself no stranger to such controversies after he murdered Pluto and sent it to the Underworld. Unfortunately, Tyson could not be reached for comment because he was preoccupied with explaining to the lesser minds on Twitter that there aren't actually giant sandworms on Saturn.

Instead, we managed to bag Dr. Michael Keaton from the University of Hawaii. "It's the damndest thing," Keaton said. "You're giving a lecture about Alpha Warnis, but you say that other name too many times and this striped phantom asshole shows up to cause trouble. I don't know what his beef is, but he seems to get his jollies from scaring the bejesus out of us. He'll do the most unpredictable things; turn into a snake, possess us into doing a banana boat dance, try to marry a teenage girl. We just wanna talk about burning balls of gas, for Christ's sake!"

"He doesn't usually stick around that long, maybe 17 minutes max," Michael Keaton said. "But it's very annoying and inconsiderate."

This is long overdue, many argue at least three decades late. Unfortunately, the world of academia is a bureaucratic nightmare. You're lucky if anything happens within 125 years.

Keaton went on the explain that most people in the the various fields of astronomy are aware of the dangers of saying that name three times, and thus often choose their words carefully. Unfortunately, sometimes you'll get a naive grad student who doesn't know better, and then all literal Hell will break lose. Have mercy on the grad student if she happens to be a young girl with a love of goth aesthetic.

The decision to finally change the name was brought about due to an uptick in references to Alpha Warnis this year. Interesting, the star itself hasn't even been the center of focus, but rather it tends to get casually brought up when talking about T Coronae Borealis, another star expected to go nova in the imminent future. Though we've yet to see the explosion, estimations for T Coronae Borealis range from this time of year, this time of the day, this part of the country, to localization entirely within your kitchen.

"We have a few ideas for new names orbiting around," concluded Dr. Keaton. "We're toying around with calling it 'Bloody Mary' due to its reddish nature, and for female representation. Then there are some suggestions I don't quite understand - something like 'Candyman' or 'Candlejerk' or something. No, that's not right. It'll come to me in a minute." Dr. Keaton suddenly excused himself from the interview to go check his notes. Unfortunately, this was apparently the end of the interview, since he never returned. Michael Keaton has since vanished from the public eye.

The Betelgeuse vote will be held on Thursday by the International Astronomical Union in....wait a minute, what's that sound?


OH NOOOO

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