UnNews:Naughty and Nice 2017 stumps Santa
Saturday, December 9, 2017
NORTH POLE --- You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why. That jolly old elf Santa Claus is questioning whether he's "coming to town" this year. "I might do my annual Macy's gig." Kris Kringle is fretting over his Naughty and Nice Lists in the wake of several recent events that prove the old saying, "You think you know a person..."
UnNews sat down with the holiday icon for this exclusive interview.
UNNEWS: How's the missus?
Jennifer and I have been having marital problems lately. That happens when you've been married for over 300 years. We've been to marriage counseling and (clears throat) sex therapy. It hasn't been the same since "Mommy" kissed me last year. Jennifer's a little worried about my health, so she's made me lose 50 pounds. How do I look?
Not bad.
Things aren't too bad at the North Pole, except for climate change. Rudolph and Frosty are fine, for now. Jennifer and I still have 1080p HDTVs; we don't see what the big deal is with 4K yet. I'd have to be sitting two inches from the TV to notice the difference. And that's with glasses.
I'm not sure about 4K either, but I had been wanting that T2 4K Blu-ray. But I hear that it's slathered in DNR. [Digital noise reduction, which removes grain and fine details, especially in heavy amounts. It can make actors look waxy. -Ed.]
It's a shame, Jennifer and I love that movie. "Hasta la vista, baby!" When will people learn that movies shot on film are supposed to have grain? T2 was shot in Super 35 so it should be exceptionally grainy.
Most of our readers have no idea what the hell we're talking about, so moving on. Recent events have made you rethink your Naughty and Nice Lists. Care you elaborate on that?
(Exhales sharply) Woo boy. All you ever see on the news anymore is politics, scandals and celebrity deaths. It's making my job hell. I try to stay apolitical, but Jennifer and I have been Democrats since the New Deal. We can't vote in the U.S., but still. We know the entire GOP is guilty, except I'm undecided on the only Republican who voted against that Robin Hood-in-reverse tax bill.
Yeah, that guy. The rich have enough goddamn money. Crooks. And the sexual harassment epidemic. People I once respected like Kevin Spacey, Al Franken and Matt Lauer. You think you know a person... And Harvey Weinstein. I've had my opinions about him, but had he been a good boy this year, I would have gotten him that Sony 4K Dreidel. Not this year, so siree Bob.
[Bob] Weinstein?
I'm not sure about him. I don't like what he did to Halloween. I usually have the lists sorted out by June. And then by the time October came along, the shit hit the fan.
How are you going to solve this? Flipping a coin?
I thought about it, but it would be too time consuming. I would have to flip on each individual rather than risk the entire world being naughty or nice. That would be like playing with life or death. I hate to say this, but I'm considering cancelling Christmas this year. But I might do my annual Macy's gig, though.
You mean that's actually you and not some guy dressed up as you?
What?! You thought Miracle on 34th Street was just something a Hollywood writer made up? A fat guy's gotta make some dough ho ho.
Is this the first time you've contemplated retirement?
I've thought about it before. This isn't the easiest job in the world, but at least I only have to work one day a year. It's become more and more difficult over the years. The McCarthy era. The 60s. The 70s. And now the Trump era. Plus, it's too damn cold up here. When can I hang it up and head to California or Florida? It would really cut my heating bills in half.
On a lighter note, what's your favorite Christmas song?
Probably "The Christmas Song." [Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.] The Nat King Cole version.
Favorite Christmas movie?
That's easy. Die Hard. A close second would be Christmas Vacation.
Finally, I've always wanted to know, what do you do the rest of the year?
Sleep, first of all. (hearty guffaw) A few drinks take off some of the stress. I'm a margarita man myself. When I got my energy and, um, potency back, Jennifer and I would usually make hot gingerbread. I have had a few side jobs over the years to keep the cash flowing. I worked at a haunted house once. I've been a bartender, a roadie, a blues singer, even the DMV. Even I hated it. So I actually do have a life outside of the holiday season.
It's been a pleasure chatting with you, Santa.
The pleasure's all mine. Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everybody!
