UnNews:Kings traded to NFL

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28 February 2007

"Don't worry about the horse being blind, just load the wagon.”

NEW YORK, NY -- The National Hockey League's trading deadline ended today with one incredible deal destined to send shockwaves throughout the world of sports. The NHL has announced that it has traded the Los Angeles Kings franchise to the National Football League for two 2008 Super Bowl commercials and John Madden.

Gary Bettman met with reporters in the lobby of the NHL's New York offices and had this to say, "On behalf of the entire league, I would like to thank Mr Goodell and the NFL. You have given the NHL the opportunity at the next Super Bowl to announce to the country that yes there is a professional hockey league, and beg them to please stop watching golf. It's destroying America!" He then continued, "And to our fans who are pissed about the acquistion of John Madden, suck me, suck me long, suck me hard."

A NFL spokesman read the following statement, "After years without representation, the NFL is proud to welcome the City of Angels back into our fold. We understand there will be a huge transition for the Kings' management and players to go from the sport of hockey to football but once the hockey players are given lobotomies, steroids and the negative attitudes needed for dealing with the press, we think they'll be ready to start the pre-season in August." He then added, "The real adjustment for the Kings' organization will be in learning that in today's NFL, there is indeed an 'I' in team." Sheepishly adding, "We didn't take academics seriously in college."

While we desperately tried to stop Madden from commenting, we couldn't shut him up to save our lives. He offered these pearls of wisdom, "I've been a closet hockey fan all my life, I know that the power forwards are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

When someone tried to mention that hockey was played on ice, Madden ignored them and continued, "From my point of view, it was kind of bonus. It was frustrating for a moment, but to be honest it never really found a home at the end of last year. We didn't finish until late October, which was too late for it to be in festivals, and I think that would have helped the movie.[[1]]”

Madden continued blathering, "He had been a 15-year-old boy and he watched it happen from his garden -- 600 Italian soldiers and 13 officers shot by machine gun in the space of three minutes. And their bodies were left. He has never been able to erase this from his mind.[[2]]”

"There were times when I thought I was making a musical, ... It's a very big canvas at some points and then it's incredibly intimate and quiet ....[[3]]”

At this point the UnNews crew grabbed our equipment, ran away and jumped in a dumpster, praying to God the crazy man wasn't following us.