Statue of Liberty
The Statue of Liberty is one scary-looking colossal sculpture of an ugly woman[1] which protects New York City from aliens, and can wipe everyone's memory within a 500 mile radius.
The Statue
Con(tra)ception
To thank the United States for their help in liberating France from the ravages of Napoleon in 1812, King Louis Armstrong XIII decided to commission a spectacular monument as a gift to the Americans that would, quote, "trump that poorly designed excuse for a liberty bell and put the spotlight on the drama queen frenchies". The statue was originally meant to be modelled after Martha Washington posing nude on a Kawasaki H2R, but this incredibly stupid idea was decided against at the last minute.
Delivery
Finally, after nearly a century of false starts, in 1903 France shipped their masterpiece (via UPS Priority Collect) to New York City Harbor where it was unveiled to the American people. When it turned out to be a lousy 150 feet (46 meters) tall piece of copper-plated styrofoam, the Americans laughed derisively, causing no end of embarrassment to the French delegation. Just one year later, real American sculptors did a proper job of it by making a scale replica of the original statue 1,000 times as tall (28 miles (46 km)) and carved out of solid gold.
Recent Historical Controversy
The preceding alleged "history" has come into question in recent years due to the research of French historical revisionist historian Louis la Franc. According to French erotic literature circa the creation of the statue, French women wore tight whalebone corsets which waspily pulled in at the waist. Also, French women were thin and petite, and were not known to be particularly ugly. If the Statue of Liberty were a real woman, she would weigh in at an extra largeboned 300 lbs (136.077711 kg), more reminiscent of an English charwoman from 1903. It's possible that this so-called "gift" was originally intended for Great Britain as a practical joke, but got lost during transport.
The attack by Ballet dancers
In 1986, the Statue of Liberty was attacked by Ballet dancers. The attack failed when Metallica released their album Pastor of Muppets, which made the ballet dancers cry when played very loudly.
The Football Play
The "Statue of Liberty Play" was recently used to good effect in Super Bowl XXXIX when Tom Brady of the New England Patriots called it for the last play of the 4th quarter. Down by 4 and with 13 seconds to go, Brady quickly stripped off his uniform just before the snap revealing a fetching toga-style dress and spiked headgear, held aloft a burning torch, and mumbled something about huddled masses yearning to breathe free. While the dumbfounded Philadelphia Eagles wondered what to do next, Corey Dillon nonchallantly stuck the deflated ball under his shirt and waltzed over the goal line as time expired.
Coming to Life
In 1989, Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, Slimer, and Danny Phantom brought the Statue of Liberty to life so they could use her as a battering ram. Shortly afterward, she put on underwear and began patrolling New York's coast to watch for aliens.
Project "Enduring Liberty"
In January 2006, George W Bush announced a $15 million dollar project to turn the Statue of Liberty around to face the sea. This, the president claims, will increase tourism by forcing people to take cruises in New York Harbour in order to go around the other side to see her boobs.
World War IV
During World War IV, American Airlines converted the Statue into a battle rocket. Commanded by Ledward Ballonson, Jr., crewed by 750 men, and armed with a supercharged laser in the torch, the Statue of Liberty destroyed the experimental Iranian starfighters that attacked the International Space Station.
The war ended shortly after this operation. American Airlines used the battle rocket as a passenger rocket for several years, until it crashed into the Grand Canyon in 2079. There were no survivors.
Death
After 445 years of standing on the docks of Ellis Island, the government blew up the statue into pieces since they realized nobody cares about it anymore and that they really want to put a casino in its place (in the shape of the Statue of Liberty, of course).
Many people have dived into the harbor in hopes of finding the legendary pieces, but only 17 were discovered. 15 of those pieces went to Andy Warhol Jr.'s fucked up mosaic which was made in an effort to advertise Home Depot's latest July 4th sale.
See Also
- ↑ Some would say she's doable, but definitely not dateable.