Stoner High School/Queens and Kings
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Queens and Kings of Stoner High School
HM Queen Tiffany I (1980-1981)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: President of the Confederation of Concerned Students
- Her Foreign Minister was The Rt. Off. Lord Ralph Sanchez PC, later HM Ralph I
- Leader of coup d'etat against Principal Dumhaas
- Proclaimed the Stoner Republic
- Established government, military, and other institutions
- Drafted constitution
- Oversaw renovation and reconstruction of campus
- Defeated the BHUSD in several battles
- Went on to attend Stanford
HM King Ralph I (1981-1982)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Secretary of the Confederation of Concerned Students, Foreign Minister under Tiffany I\
- Field commander during the 1st Battle of Stoner High
- Captain of the SHS debate team
- Known for his merciless use of colorful language against the educational establishment
- Initiated tradition of pumping whiskey into the school's artificial river during New Year's
- Sent SHS Navy task force to aid the British in the Falklands War
- Went on to attend Harvard
- His Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Kate Schpade VQ, later HM Kate I
- See here for a full list of his cabinet members
HM Queen Kate I (1982-1983)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Vice President of the Confederation of Concerned Students, Minister of Finance under Tiffany I, Vice Queen under Ralph I
- Author of "Dudes of Stoner"
- Initiated successful petroleum exploration
- Began construction of Tiffany Steiner International Airport
- Went on to attend Caltech
- Her Minister of War was the Rt. Mil. Lady Phoebe Royce PC, later HM Phoebe I.
HM Queen Phoebe I (1983-1984)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Minister of War under Kate I
- Started bimonthly paintball tournament
- Instituted formal student admissions system
- Deployed SHS military as "exchange students" to foreign countries
- Went on to attend Pepperdine
- Her Minister of War was Vice Field Marshal The Rt. Mil. Lady Candace York TC PC
HM King Ralph II (1984-1985)
- Party: Brown Keg
- Prior position: Member of the Board of Governors
- Established Road Trip Week
- Ordered the first Stoner New Year's fireworks show
- Criminalized Twinkie theft
- Went on to attend Penn State
HM King Greg I (1985-1986)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Pwner of BEERvision TV station
- Banned all screenings of Manos, The Hands of Fate.
- Went on to attend MIT
HM Queen Jennifer I (1986-1987)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Lady Chancellor of Greg I's Privy Council
- Commissioned construction and launch of STONERSAT-1
- Completed construction of Tiffany Steiner International Airport
- Went on to attend Dartmouth
HM Queen Jessica I (1987-1988)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police under Jennifer I
- Doubled the number of extra credit points in circulation
- Codified statues regarding public nudity and established height-weight regulations
- Went on to attend UC Berkeley
- Her Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency Kelsey Hamilton VQ, later HM Kelsey I
- Her Minister of Finance was The Rt. Pro. Lady Tina Fey PC.
HM Queen Kelsey I (1988-1989)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Vice Queen under Jessica I
- Began construction of school subway system
- Went on to attend Pepperdine
HM King Kevin I (1989-1990)
- Party: Brown Coffeepot
- Prior position: Vice Minister of Agriculture
- Made the cabbage the official school vegetable
- Increased hemp and wheat production by 30% to win Brown Keg support
- Went on to attend Cornell
- His Foreign Minister was The Rt. Off. Lady Kelsey White PC, later HM Kelsey II
HM Queen Kelsey II (1990-1991)
- Party: Brown Coffeepot
- Prior position: Foreign Minister under Kevin I
- Went on to attend UT-Austin
HM Queen Phoebe II (1991-1992)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Premier of the Board of Governors
- Completed construction of school subway system
- Sent SHS Army & Marines units to help suppress riots in Los Angeles
- Went on to attend UCLA
HM King Ralph III (1992-1993)
- Party: Sex
- Prior position: Reverse cowgirl under Phoebe II
- Went on to attend Indiana University
- His Minister of Beverages was the Rt. Wtd. Lord Matthew McDonaugh PC, later HM Matt I
HM King Matt I (1993-1994)
- Party: Brown Keg
- Prior position: Minister of Beverages under Ralph III
- Negotiated vending agreement with Anheuser-Busch
- Went on to attend Colorado State
- His Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Phoebe Wilson VQ, later HM Phoebe III
HM Queen Phoebe III (1994-1995)
- Party: Brown Keg
- Prior position: Vice Queen under Matt I
- Initiated Twinkie rationing program
- Negotiated prosecution pact with Fockersville County Court & District Attorney
- Went on to attend Harvard
HM King Greg II (1995-1996)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Field Marshal, SHS Imperial Army
- Pressured US colleges to lift alcohol regulations for Stoner alumni
- Initiated SHS nuclear program and construction of missile silos on Hill 420
- Commissioned construction and launch of STONERSAT-2 (rumored orbital cannon)
- Went on to attend Stanford
- His Minister of Finance was The Rt. Pro. Lady Brittany Langdon PC, later HM Brittany I
HM Queen Brittany I (1996-1997)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Minister of Finance under Greg II
- Orchestrated takeover of New York Stock Exchange and SEC
- Cornered the global market in steel, gold and unobtainium
- Began construction of student housing.
- Went on to attend U-Michigan Ann Arbor
- Her Minister of Beverages was the Rt. Wtd. Lord Ralph Boscoe PC, later HM Ralph IV.
HM King Ralph IV (1997-1998)
- Party: Brown Keg
- Prior position: Minister of Beverages under Brittany I
- Doubled the number of auxiliary beer fountains on campus
- Went on to attend Penn State
HM King Brandon I (1998-1998)
- Party: Brown Coffeepot
- Introduced anti-ball kicking legislation
- (abdicated due to early graduation)
- His Vice King was His Imperial Excellency Lord Andrew Fletcher VK, later HM Andrew I
HM King Andrew I (1998-1999)
- Party: Brown Coffeepot
- Prior position: Vice King and Director of Controlled Substances under Brandon I
- Negotiated catering agreement with Hostess
- Increased Twinkie rations by 20%
- Went on to attend U-Chicago
HM Queen Phoebe IV (1999-2000)
- Prior position: CEO of Stoner Airlines
- Party: Blue Coalition
- She was fiiiine!
- Went on to attend Princeton
HM Queen Tiffany II (2000-2001)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Premier of the Board of Governors
- Established SHS space program
- Went on to attend Pepperdine
HM King Brandon II (2001-2002)
- Party: Brown Keg
- Prior Position: Member of the Board of Governors and Chairman of the Hard Liquor Promotion Subcommittee
- Featured in numerous Budweiser ads as the "King of Beers."
- Went on to attend CU-Boulder
HM King Matt II (2002-2003)
- Party: Brown Coffeepot
- Prior position: Field Marshal, SHS Imperial Army
- Sent 500 SHS Army soldiers to Afghanistan
- Went on to attend West Point
- His Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police was The Rt. Fsh. Jill Malarkey PC, later HM Jillian I.
HM Queen Jillian I (2003-2004)
- Party: Brown Coffeepot
- Prior position: Chief Inspector of the SHS Fashion Police
- Tightened height-weight restrictions for public nudity
- Abolished tariffs on the importation of counterfeit designer goods
- Went on to attend Art Center
- Her Minister of Finance was the Rt. Pro. Lord Greg Perkins PC, later HM Greg III.
HM King Greg III (2004-2005)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Minister of Finance under Jillian I
- Ordered the carpet bombing of several remaining BHUSD schools
- Presided over 30% economic growth
- Authorized the sale of wine in vending machines alongside beer
- Signed the Ninja Statue of 2005
- Went on to attend the Imperial Institute of Procrastinatory Science
- His Minister of Beverages was The Rt. Wtd. Lord Tyler McLaughlin PC
- His Lady Chancellor and Minister of Finance was the Rt. Pro. Lady Tiffany Kohl PC, later Tiffany III
HM Queen Tiffany III (2005-2006)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior position: Lady Chancellor of Greg III's Privy Council
- Ordered the use of an SHS nuclear artillery battery against the Black Hand Unified School District football team, drawing a barrage of angry letters from the United Nations and complaints of unilateralism by France
- Initiated privatization of school government Twinkie monopoly
- Oversaw successful moon landing of SHS astronauts
- Used the Stoner military to defuse the Tyler Incident
- Outlawed the Orange Kitten party
- Went on to attend the Imperial Institute of Procrastinatory Science
- Her Minister of Beverages was The Rt. Wtd. Lady Jane Markowitz PC
HM Queen Sophie I (2006-2007)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior Position: Marshal of the Imperial Air Force
- Elected following the Tyler Incident
- Outlawed the huffing of Melange Spice kittens
- Established a Stoner moon base (far out, man...)
- Sent additional SHS forces to Iraq in conjunction with the US troop surge
- Went on to attend Princeton
- Her Minister of Finance was The Rt. Pro. Lady Teresa Osborne, later HM Teresa I
- Her Minister of War was The Rt. Mil. Lady Ashley Farnborough PC, later Vice Queen and HM Ashley I
- Her Director of Controlled Substances was Sir Maximilian DeLarkey
- Her Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Jane Markowitz VQ
HM Teresa I, 15th Queen of Stoner High School.
HM Queen Teresa I (2007-2008)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior Position: Minister of Finance under Queen Sophie I
- Negotiated the successful weed export agreement with Costco as Minister of Finance.
- Doubled the size of the contract by the end of her reign, bringing in 1.337 trillion extra credit points over the previously agreed to 666
- Expanded the size of the SHS moon base and launched a hydroponic weed farming program.
- Her Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Ashley Farnborough VQ, later HM Ashley I
- Her Minister of War was the Rt. Mil. Field Marshal Lord Leroy Jenkins PC
HM Ashley I, 16th Queen of Stoner High School.
HM Queen Ashley I (2008-2009)
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior Position: Vice Queen Under Queen Teresa I
- Made billions in the financial markets by short-selling subprime mortgage-backed securities.
- Her Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Nicole Poppins VQ, 29th Duchess of Hazzard
- Her Minister of Beverages was the Rt. Wtd. Lady Stella Malenkova PC, later Vice Queen
- Her Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police was the Rt. Fsh. Lord Ryan O'Neill PC, later HM Ryan I
- Her Director of Controlled Substances was Sir Josh White
- Added Cuba and the Northwest Territories to the list of Stoner's colonial possessions.
- Signed the Fabric Act of 2009
HM King Ryan I (2009-2010)
- Party: Brown Coffeepot
- Prior Position: Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police under HM Ashley I
- His Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Stella Malenkova VQ
- His Foreign Minister was The Rt. Off. Lady Holly O'Leary PC
- New trade agreements signed with South Korea, Colombia
HM Queen Tiffany IV (2010-2011
- Party: Blue Coalition
- Prior Position: Minister of Foreign Affairs, Trysts & Other Liaisons under HM Ryan I
- Her Vice King was Lord Mike Duncan
- FTAs signed with most European and East Asian countries
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