Stoner High School/Famous speeches
| This article is part of the Stoner High School series. |
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Transcript of HM Tiffany I's Graduation Speech, 1981
My Privy Councillors and Members of the Board of Governors. My fellow students. As you know, it's been a long year for all of us. It's been a long road, and it'll be an even longer road ahead. But you know what's come of it. From the day we fought our way to freedom in one swift duct-taping, to today, where we stand here, with our 4.0s and our Ivy league acceptance letters, we have seen it all. Stoner High School. Free at last.
Eight long months ago, I had the immeasurable honor of being elected your Queen. When you put that tiara on my head I felt not only exhilaration but also fear, I must admit. Fear for myself, fear for the future of the sapling of the tree of freedom we had planted, fear for you... it has been, as they say, complete balls, bullshit and poppycock. I underestimated myself, and I underestimated you. I asked much of you, and got even more. You asked much of me, and I can only hope that my efforts have been sufficient. We've come a long, long way from the darkness of too many years gone by.
I trust that I leave this school in good hands. Ralph, duly elected, who I expect shall make a fine King next year, and the incoming Board and Council. I expect that all of you will do your duty and do it well. The rest of you remember that your place at this school is not a subservient one as it was under our previous rulers. Your place is to help Ralph do the best he can for the school, and to kick his sorry punk ass if he doesn't try. This, [grin at Ralph, who is looking a bit nervous], I suspect, will not be at all necessary.
[takes a long swig of the cocktail sitting on the podium]
Many out there have said we couldn't do it. Many said it, because they were afraid. They mock our extra credit points, our limousines, our tanks, our artillery, our cocktails and our FREEDOM. [Standing ovation] They laugh, oh yes they laugh. They will laugh at the future, and in so doing they will become the past. By your example and your fortitude the old, outmoded and totalitarian ideas of education perpetuated by the educational bureaucracy will consigned to the ash heap of history along with the fascism and communism to which they bear such a great resemblance. [Another standing ovation]
Trust me, my friends, I'll be back next year to check on how you are all doing. I suspect my fellow seniors will do the same, especially now that we've got the beer fountain functioning properly.
Thank you all for your fortitude, your fearless valor, your hard work and your support. I will miss you all dearly. Long live the Revolution. [Guy in front row: Long live the Queen!] [yet another standing ovation punctuated by cheering] Thank you very much, thank you, and goodnight. [she begins to walk away from the stage, pauses, looks at the band, and walks back to the podium, seizing the mic...]
Now, are you ready to PARTY... ALL... NIGHT... LONG?! [drumroll]
Declaration of War on Argentina, April 15th, 1982
Declaring that a state of war exists between Argentina and the Government and associated student body of Stoner High School and making provisions to prosecute said war;
Whereas Argentina has occupied the sovereign territory of our ally the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland by force, whereas said Government of Argentina has flagrantly violated the human rights of the people of the Falklands by impeding their unrestricted consumption of alcohol and whereas Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II's Government has formally entreated us for military assistance in accordance with the Anglo-Stoner Treaty of 1980;
Whereas our consciences and interests shall not permit such brazen assaults upon the fundamental human right to inebriation and upon the territory of our allies in the community of civilized nations, and whereas we are called upon to honor our treaty commitments to Her Majesty's Government;
Therefore be it resolved by us, and by unanimous vote of the Board of Governors of the Free Imperial Republic of Stoner High School, that a state of war between Stoner High School and the Government of Argentina is hereby formally declared;
and the Stoner High School Ministry of War, including the Navy Secretariat and Departments of the Imperial Army and the Imperial Air Force, is hereby authorized and directed to employ the military forces of Stoner High School and the resources of our Government against the Argentine forces to bring the war to a victorious conclusion by any means necessary, subject to no rules of engagement save those which we see fit to impose.
Suspension of military operations against the Government of Argentina as authorized by this declaration shall not occur until we, in consultation with Her Majesty's Government, determine said victorious conclusion has been achieved.
May the blessings of our august School be laid fully upon the officers and enlisted of our glorious military services, and may the vengeful spirit of the Revolution instill them with the will to vigorously inflict destruction and mayhem against the Government of Argentina until victory is achieved.
Be it so enacted by:
| Signed | Countersigned |
|---|---|
| His Majesty Ralph I (Rex Imperator et Cannabis), King of Stoner High School | Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Kate Schpade (Vice-Regina Imperatora et Cannabis), Vice Queen of Stoner High School |
and by:
| For | Signed | As | For | Signed | As |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| HM's Privy Council | the Rt. Militaristic Lady Caroline Wellington, PC | Minister of War and Lady Chancellor of the Privy Council, 3rd Duchess of Hazzard | the Board of Governors | the Rt. Honourable Alec Lundendorf | Premier of the Board of Governors |
| HM's Privy Council | the Rt. Profitable Lord Jake Anderson, PC | Minister of Finance, 2nd Viscount of Hill 420 | the Board Subcommittee on Conventional Warfare | the Rt. Honourable Chris Tsang | Chair, Subcommittee on Conventional Warfare |
| HM's Privy Council | the Rt. Wasted Lord Tom Travers, PC | Minister of Beverages, Vice Chancellor of the Privy Council, 3rd Earl of Hops | HM's Loyal Opposition, the Brown Keg Party | the Rt. Stoned Brian Cooper | Deputy Premier of the Board of Governors |
| HM's Privy Council | the Rt. Dilatory Lady Patricia (Trish) Nelson, PC | Procrastinator-General | HM's (other) Loyal Opposition, the Brown Coffeepot Party | the Rt. Wired Steve Rodriguez | Deputy Premier of the Board of Governors |
| HM's Privy Council | the Rt. Fashionable Lady Michelle Lewis, PC | Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police | the Stoner High School Joint Imperial General Staff | Marshal of the Imperial Air Force Diana Crawford TC | Chief of the Imperial General Staff |
| HM's Privy Council | the Rt. Offensive Lord Marty Crovitz, PC | Minister of Foreign Affairs, Trysts, & Other Liasions | the Stoner High School Joint Imperial General Staff | Admiral of the Fleet Renata Olsen TC | Deputy Chief of the Imperial General Staff |
at 4:20 PM PST, the fifteenth of April, 1981 ADD. God Save the King.
Transcript of HM Jessica I's Speech to a Special Meeting of NATO, November 2nd, 1987
Ladies and gentlemen of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, ministers of defense and heads of state.
I come to you in slight bemusement, both at the expressed reluctance of some Members to carry the present war to its conclusion and at the dizzying speed with which our offensives thus far have carried us.
Our forces have fought well, and we of the Free Imperial Republic of Stoner High School are proud to be at the forefront of this glorious crusade against communist hegemony.
However, the fight against the Bolshevik tyranny does not end selfishly, as it were, at the borders of our own nations. We must not be content to have achieved status quo ante on the Western front.
Even as our forces in the East sweep across the steppes of Siberia, our western armies pace impatiently, waiting to start their engines and charge into the breach. The brave men and women of the Stoner military have sworn to see the end of this war before graduation, and it is my every intention to finish it before spring break. We've better things to do then than pump the Reds full of lead and depleted uranium.
It is time, therefore, to end the disgraceful charade of detente and to drive forward without delay, to Moscow should our foes fail to capitulate before then. With their strategic deterrents eliminated, our enemies have little choice to surrender or be annihilated, swept before us like dirt before the broom.
I therefore call upon every nation of NATO to fulfill the pledge of this organization's Charter, and to finish off the Soviet menace for good. With superiority in the air, at sea and on land, we shall soon achieve the final triumph amid the smoking ruins of the Kremlin.
Quotes about Stoner High School
Russians
“At Stoner High School, students expel YOU!”
Politicians
“Bloody brilliant! Wish I'd sent Lillibet there.”
“By far, de greatest schule in this great Schtate of Kuhllifornia.”
Various celebrities
“This is the only school in the US of A where getting stoned is a class! What more could you want?”
“Whoah, this article is totally too long for me to concentrate on man! Hey, pass the bowl dude!”
Alums
“Best four years of my life!!!”
“I was gonna look up my old classmates on SchoolReunion, but I doubt any of us would remember each other...”
“I particularly enjoyed the classes on improper discharge of artillery cannons... I recommend that everyone enroll here!!!”
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