Film

Dr. Robotnik is on the quest for the 7 chaos emeralds. And only B-movie actors stand between him and the apocalypse.

A movie (referred to as a film by British people and the pretentious Hollywood elite) are essentially redepictions of the tragedies of others. Film (pronounced fill-um) is as much an artform as it is a business. It was originally developed as a means to display naked people "getting it on" and distributing it to the masses. Films are more commonly known as Brainwashing Sessions (pronounced Ber-rainwashing Sessions). This name came about from the Baze'd faces people get after watching films.

Movies have baffled psychologists as it was found in a study conducted by the government that the majority of movie goers remain expressionless when watching the loss of life, limb, heartbreak, hatred and racism. Moreover it was found that people were often willing to pay money to see such movies, as well as buy food to enjoy themselves while watching it. To this day psychologists still do not fully understand why human beings enjoy watching such movies. Perhaps it is the thought of paying a lot of money to the movies, sitting with stupid noisy people crunching their popcorn, while getting your eyes and ear bombarded by huge screen and noise. Yes, we love movies.

History

Developing Film

In the 1700s film was rather hard to develop especially when there wasn't any film to develop in the first place. The main problem was ladies wouldn't take their clothes off. If this occurred, the 30 hour developing time would have been for nothing as women with clothes on isn't porn and non existent porn rules out film alltogether. To get round this, the famous photographer Muybridge invented the x-cameraray which saw through the clothes thus taking a nude picture. Most women did not approve, except the lesbians.

Early film

An example of early film. This strip is from a film titled "St1ck + C1rcl3 = Uuh!"

Early film was nothing like it is today, although in some ways it is more like films today than films today are. Some of the first films had no sound, or image, and were merely rough depictions of the acts that the director had invisioned. As the technology advanced, however, naked parts became much easier to discern. Still, there was no sound to go along with the pictures. It was at this time that "porno music" was invented to give the audience an auditory experience that at least somewhat fit the mood. Around this time people started saying, while watching films, where's the popcorn? So concession stands were built in lobbies. And it was good.

Soon, though, live sound was introduced, via talking parrots who were kept in a cage in the projection booth. This advancement brought forth the first big wave of film-making. Soon, films could be seen in any darkened theater, and were often shown to troops at war who were away from home, and thus, their punani.

Not long after, colour and higher picture quality came along. Industry executives and audiences alike were thrilled by the new images. These advances led to such film staples as the "close-up", which is now frequently followed by another staple: the "money shot". Also, film personalities gained mega-star status. People such as Ron Jeremy, Peter North, and Jenna Jameson are now household names. ;)

Advancement of Film

Those humans breed like rabbits!" Inevitably, the number of humans outstripped the number of wild Movies, leading to the Dark Ages. Fortunately, the Renaissance saw the invention of mechanized substitutes, which snare their prey with pretty pictures. Though they were originally intended to carry fleas and spread the Black Death, movie pictures eventually proved far more effective at diverting semen by presenting pornography. It is generally agreed that the invention of the movie picture came about in the early fourteenth century due to the efforts of the Marquis of Butter. The Marquis hoped to create a form of entertainment that would be accessible to even the poorest peasant. In this he failed, as theater houses soon began charging up to fourteen months' pay for single admission and a bucket of au gratin potatoes (the preferred movie snack of the time).

In the past century filmmaking has become, in the minds of many, a legitimate art form, with many movies earning critical acclaim for their subject matter and artistic value. The Sound of Music, for example, staring Bruce Willis * won eight Oscars for its stark exploration of meth abuse among the plebeians of early Rome, and the whaling film White Men Can't Jump has been cited as the primary inspiration behind Herman Melville's novel The Outlaw Josie Whales.

Filmmaking can also be used as an effective medium of telling sadistic stories, which help to summon evil spirits. A good example of a studio that does sadistic moviPes are Walt Disney. On the other hand, directors like Quentin Tarrantino and Martin Scorcese have created heartwarming films for childrem.

BBBOOOORRRIINNNNG

Film Today

Some movies relate back to their predecessors. And sometime, to themselves!

Today, film is headed in a totally new direction. With the dawn of the Internet and the information age, the distribution of film is at a record high. Film can be obtained in 30 second clips from any number of free websites. Film has even made forays into e-mail distribution. It's hard to look anywhere and not see "MILFs", "BDSM", "ATM", and "Bukkake".

Plot

Typically, movies have nine different stages to develop a story-

1. Enthusiastic rush into a problematic intro
2. Dealing with the problem
3. The journey
4. The sad slow-mo scene
5. Resolution
6. The kissing scene
7. The big action fighting scene
8. ????
9. Profit

Varieties of film

Movies can be broken up into Good Movies and Bad Movies. Good movies will waste your time and are very dangerous. Bad movies have several uses, to treat insomnia, Annoy friends (provided you have any to annoy, Although you wont afterwards), Helping to Unblock your Toilet, Causing Insomnia, Saving Fuel and Money (by keeping you curled up in your bed and unwilling to leave the house/apartment/tent/dumpster/parents basement, thus no need to waste money on fuel), inducing vomiting, or to assist in interrogations at Guantanamo Bay.

Good movies

Good movies have a few common traits that can help recognition.

• Boobies
• Butt
• Snatch
• Four stars in a little box on the box
• Not in English (or Spanish)
• Many shots fired
• Special effects
• Extensive Crying
• Anything slow motion
• Stars Jimbo Wales
• Child stars that are guaranteed to be drug addicts, sluts and/or dead within the next 10 years.
• Directed by Uwe Boll

Bad movies

Bad movies are more easily recognized. Any of the following guarantees a Bad Movie, escape if you can!

• Stars Kevin Costner, Tom Cruise or Hugh Grant
• Billed as a "drama-comedy"
• One of the characters is a cripple: The movie is a copy of Rear Window (the least lame of its kind, which isn't saying anything)
• The word "Michael" or "Bay" appearing anywhere on the promotional poster or during the theatrical trailer/television commercial for any film
• The word "wife" is in the title
• Preceded by a UFO icon or billed as a "Sci Fi Channel original"
• Made in the U.S. between 1998 and 2010
• A remake of some Asian ghost flick
• Bruce Campbell does NOT star in it
• Not Directed by Mel Brooks
• Is about who can dance the best
• Fiercely fast attacking zombies that isn't "28 Days Later"
• Remake
• Prequel
• Sequel
• Neither of the Above 2
• Patrick Stewart Plays a character named Jean Lu Picard
• Features any or all of the following: The Disney logo, A courageous dog, A snooty cat, Animated, Reality Based, Inception -style reality/mind/dream/real/fake Bullshit that will confuse all fuck out of you and you need to pay your hard earned money so you can watch that god forsaken thing again and again and again and again until you finally understand what the fucker is all about and can now sleep at night (Inception is the ONLY exception to hat rule).
• Limp Bizkit is on the sound track
• Vin Diesel
• Involve Brendan Fraser existing
• Any sequel, especially if it has a high roman numeral, ex. Rocky XIII
• If the movie has the words "The Last Airbender"(unless animated)
• Rob Schneider. Just no.
• An action/adventure movie that focuses on people exploding and buildings dying.
• Anything that doesn't have Oscar Wilde
• It has Macaulay Culkin cursing
• It has A-list actors doing extremely stupid roles, ex. Bruce Willis dressed up as an Easter Bunny
• Directed by Uwe Boll
• Has the words "The", "A", "My", "He", "She" or "Your" in the title or sub-heading
• Anything released in a movie cinema EVER!!

See also

• Television
• Video game