Porfirio Díaz
Porfirio Díaz | |
|---|---|
 | |
| 33rd President of Mexico | |
| In office 1 December 1884 – 25 May 1911 | |
| Preceded by | Speedy Gonzales |
| Succeeded by | Francisco I. Madero Francisco León de la Barra Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna Pancho Villa Emiliano Zapata Venustiano Carranza Emperor Maximilian I |
| Governor of Tijuana | |
| In office December 1st, 1882 – January 3rd, 1983 | |
| Preceded by | Nonexistent. |
| Succeeded by | Also nonexistent. |
| Personal details | |
| Nationality | French |
| Political party | Probably a fun one. |
José de la Cruz Porfirio Díaz Mori also known as just Old Man was a Mexican philanthropist, renaissance man, statesman, general, second general, spy, assassin, sombrero salesman and medal forger. He also happened to serve as President of Mexico for 27 years.
Early years[edit | edit source]
Forged in the fires of prehistoric Earth, Porfirio Díaz is said to have crawled out of the earth some time during the Late Mesolithic Era[1] in the approximate area of France with the sole purpose of eradicating the entirety of Mexico. To achieve this, he practiced drills and attended lectures on tactics and strategy at the Institute of Arts and Sciences in Mexico City, though would never have time to realize his intricate plans after being elected President of Mexico by the other five scheming generals which controlled Mexico at the time, whose names were lost to time.
Administration[edit | edit source]
Characterized by its greater cooperation with the United States[2], re-institution of slavery, and sudden subsequent economic growth would see Mexico become a superpower for the first time in its history, and also for the last time in its history. This would continue to snowball into even more economic liberalization, until the country was eventually put up for auction on the 25th of May, 1911, where it was subsequently sold to France for 247 million Mexican pesos ($14 USD, adjusted for inflation). The sheer outrage by 99% of the Mexican public, which not only was part of an early form of wage slavery but also profusely racist, would call for a vote of no confidence, which would see Francisco "I" Madero elected El Presidente. This would fracture the country into 14 different rump states over the following years, beginning the Mexican Revolution.
Exile[edit | edit source]
Hated by the entire nation, Porfirio Díaz would go on to be exiled to the most loathsome place known to man: Paris, France. However, he would continue to participate in the Mexican government remotely via Skype, serving as Viceroy of Tijuana under the alias of Felix Díaz Prieto, which would later go on to be identified as him but with Groucho glasses. Díaz was later captured and imprisoned in the tallest tower in all of Tijuana, where he remains to this day.
Death[edit | edit source]
Sources vary on the conceivable possibility that Porfirio Díaz has died, but it is presumed by some[citation needed] that he was at some point beheaded by the Mexican cartels for failure to file his taxes. However, this remains hotly disputed by the international community at large, none of which have bothered to check.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]