Ohio State University
“NEIN!!!!!!”
“To tell you the truth... No I didn't.”
“Who the hell founded this college?!”
“I did.”
THE Ohio State University (also known as Ohio State or OSU) is a college campus located within Columbus, Ohio. Their mascot is a "buckeye". What exactly is a "buckeye"? Nobody knows for sure what a buckeye is... but let's get back on topic. To get accepted into this college you need to 1) have a 99 average or better every single year since seventh grade throughout every semester (making it impossible to get accepted into this school) 2) become a genius, 3) be able to jump greater than your height, 4) be an awesome football player, 5) Have a sexy body, will to put out, and be a cheerleader if you are a girl. However, if you are a guy, you might be confused for a having a knack for the same sex if you do this. There are over 1,000 students attending this university from all over the United States and even from different countries.
Foundation[edit | edit source]
No one originally knew when or who founded the University. In the the late 1800s and early 1900s, some might have believed that the former U.S. president Abraham Lincoln was the original founder of this college. However, most objected to this reasonable theory and stated that if he had founded a college, it would be in a state populated with red necks. More concisely, Illinois, his home state. The only person originally proven to not have founded the college was Adolf Hitler, because it was considered silly to have suggested this. He only founded camps. Camps of death. Plus, Hitler's presence was in Nazi Germany, not the United States of America! In the late 1900s, the next widely accepted person thought to have founded this college was none other than Governor Rutherford B. Hayes, who they (the people) were right about. This is currently one of the last incredible things accomplished in the latest generation. Being, the discovery of the University's founder.
Originally the University was known under the name "Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College." Luckily, due to its complicated name, Hayes changed the name to "Ohio State University" to prevent the wit-lacking students from acquiring and suffering from migraines caused by trying to read the original title of the college. Even then, however, the teachers had to calm the students down and tell them to read the name slowly. Still, and to no avail, the students had migraines and others had severe headaches. Even some of the teachers had migraines and severe headaches from trying to read the name.
The college was later handed to Gordon Gesser or nicknamed "The Geek" or "The Gesser" and is now the president for the college.
Campus[edit | edit source]
Nobody knows for sure how big the campus is because nobody ever thought "I want to measure the University". Seriously. There are no "real shots" of the inside of the college. Here is a list of what is known about the campus: It has a Football field, a basketball court, a principal's office and a ton of classes. There are more than 70 classes!
Academics[edit | edit source]
The college offers classes to earn masters and what not in Nursing for Males, Doctoring for Females, Cheerleader Pro, Sex Change Professional, Being Good at Football, and Worshipping the Devil. These tend to be the most studied courses in the college.
Some of the other ones are more nerdy, like Chemistry, Science, Mario Kart, and Yu-Gi-Oh! dueling.
The "WTF" Courses[edit | edit source]
Sexual activism[edit | edit source]
The college has been upheld by questionable courses, such as that in which a course on sexual activism encouraged students (mostly the young, hot females with nice asses) to do the dirty deeds right in the middle of class. Towels were handed out to students on the first day.
Worship Satan[edit | edit source]
One of the most highly attended classes in Ohio State University is a class that college kids go to and learn how to worship Satan. Currently, evil possessions of bodies and darkness throughout the college grounds have been kept to a minimal.
The course's professor, Professor Hale Hitler, has spoken to the dark lord Lucifer himself on numerous occasions. The professor has confirmed in the class description on the website that the objective of the year-long course is to open up a darker side of religion and convert Christians to a more promising and rightful deity.
Algebra[edit | edit source]
Make it stop!
Sports[edit | edit source]
Ohio State University currently only accepts dumbasses on the circumstances that they have the ability to play NFL-level football. Tall black people are accepted (only at 6'5" or taller) for basketball. Soccer is a sport affiliated with the University but it is only a sports program every couple of years.
History of "The Suspension"[edit | edit source]
In 2009 or 2010 (proof remains an unpopular discovery) almost 100 or more college students were suspended for unknown reasons that cannot be easily identified. Among the suspension were students were not just those from Ohio State but a lot of other colleges too. Gordon Geeser was probably one of the reasons this event occurred because he hated most of the students there anyways. Most of these people were football players because the football players are so stupid they didn't deserve the right to attend this education-providing place. This suspension kept recurring for the next four fucking years until everybody started treated it as a normal occurrence. Nobody knows when it's going to stop. Some people claim that "it will stop this year". They could be right, but they could be wrong.
What It's Known For[edit | edit source]
It's a FUCKING college; it's famous for its sports like football, basketball and chess; It's famous for its sex (no not the school! The students inside of it!); It's where all of the smart-asses go; It has The Best Damn Band In The Land (The "land" in question being a 0.01 mile radius around their football field).
People Who Went to Ohio State[edit | edit source]
Depending on your family, your mom could have possibly studied at Ohio State. Your step-step-twice-removed-half brother-in-law's dad could have attended Ohio State University. Your brother could have too, along with your sister. For a fact, it is known that the one smart white boy who sat in front of you in Chemistry class has attended Ohio State University. Kids with 99% averages or higher are a big possibility. Another possibility is none other than you. Unless you're an idiot.
Some NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, and MLS players have attended this horrible fine college.
5% of the United States population who are extremely unathletic and are rather dull minded have attended OSU.
Some other attendees include this guy, that guy, Phil Ochs, and Jeffrey Dahmer.