Manny Heffley
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Manny Heffley was a notorious war criminal responsible for committing atrocities in Vietnam, the Middle East, Yugoslavia, Mexico, and your mom's house.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Manny Heffley was born in Ohio in 2004 to some people nobody cares about. For unknown reasons, he was given preferential treatment by his parents over his brothers Greg and Rodrick. He was also inappropriately touched by his uncle.
Manny's reign of terror began in 2007 when he invented the word "ploopy", which has since been deemed more offensive than the word "nicecar". Greggs subsequently made a press release stating that Manny was, in fact, the ploopy, which threw him into a fit of rage that resulted in him killing his brother Greg using nothing more than tin foil. When asked about it, he stated "I'm onwy fwee!", and somehow that was enough for everyone to forget about it.
That winter, Manny cut the power supply to his house. Without indoor heating, both of his parents would have died, but they were immune to the cold by virtue of hailing from Minnesota. To hide this fact, they fled for Russia and left two cardboard cutouts in their place. The following morning saw the police arrive at the scene to investigate the death of the cardboard cutouts. Though Manny admitted his guilt and claimed he did it because of something involving shoes[1], the police declared him innocent once he stated "I'm only fwee!". Rodrick was subsequently arrested after being found asleep in the back of his van underneath a large pile of loli hentai.
Following this incident, Manny took his parents' car (which they left behind for some reason) and drove it around the country, hospitalizing 372 pedestrians across six states before stopping at an amusement park. He managed to win a pet pig as a prize from one of the games, and soon began living with the immigrants running the place.
Drug cartel[edit | edit source]
In early 2008, Manny's new hosts encouraged him to join the drug cartel they worked for. He quickly rose through the ranks and, in 2009, assumed control of the cartel after strangling the previous leader to death with a piece of string. As a cartel kingpin, Manny was known for being unnecessarily brutal and just generally an asshole, often deliberately pouring cereal on his throne[2] just so other people had to clean it up.
The following year, Manny began selling cocaine from a dumpster in Henderson, Nevada, killing the homeless person that was then selling higher-quality cocaine from it. This began a rapid period of expansion for the cartel, which ultimately resulted in conflict with rival drug gangs. An estimated 26,000 people were shot in the conflict until a truce was reached in 2012 after Manny introduced his adversaries to his favorite delicacy: the severed penises of trannies.
Around this same time, Manny also stole Pablo Escobar's skin in an attempt to take over the Colombian drug trade. Nobody questioned why Pablo was suddenly one foot tall.
Career as a war criminal[edit | edit source]
Cooperation with ISIL[edit | edit source]
In 2013, Manny abruptly left Central America. His whereabouts were unknown until reports of a buck-toothed midget engaging in illegal money laundering began coming in from Israel several months later.
From late 2013 to 2015, Manny raised $24 million in funding for the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, mostly by selling fake 9/11 memorabilia and impersonating tax collectors, and also organized seventeen different bombing campaigns across the region. Ties between the two were cut after ISIL caught him stealing their oil and selling it to the American government. When he attempted to reconcile with the organization using his usual excuse of onwy being fwee, they mailed him a real live suicide bomber.[3]
One notable event that occurred during Manny's time with ISIL was the bombing of Pakistan. By promising the terrorist fighters 73 virgins each, he was able to convince them to destroy all of Pakistan's food supplies, leading to a famine that killed several million people. It was later discovered that Manny's sole motivation for organizing this was that the Pakistani government wouldn't give him any ketchup.
Yugoslavia[edit | edit source]
Manny moved to Bosnia in 2016 in the hopes of being able to commit more warcrimes. However, all the warcrimes there had already been committed, so he instead built a statue of Big Chungus. This made everyone else leave the country.
With nobody to stop him, Manny exploited the land's natural resources to manufacture chemical weapons, which he sold to Serbia, Kosovo, his own drug cartel, and also some pyramid scheme in Albania. He also gave some to several groups of armed insurgents operating in France in an unsuccessful attempt to wipe the country off the map.
Involvement in the Vietnam War[edit | edit source]
In the aftermath of the My Lai Massacre, Manny was accused of having killed 22 civilians during the event. These accusations were quickly dropped, as he's onwy fwee. Manny subsequently defected to the Viet Cong, but was quickly put under house arrest by Richard Nixon, causing him to incessantly whine for the rest of the war. In his defense, however, anyone would whine if they had to put up with something as grueling as trying to keep Manny Heffley under house arrest.
Subsequent endeavors[edit | edit source]
It is rumored that Manny once met with Adolf Hitler only to walk out after learning that the latter didn't care about black people, only Jews. Historians have dismissed this possibility as Manny is onwy fwee, but have been unable to explain why Hitler was in possession of a bottle of lube with the name "Manny" inscribed on it.
Manny has also been banned from his local McDonald's because he wouldn't pay for his McNuggets.
Coma and possible death[edit | edit source]
On December 5, 2018, Rodrick was released from jail, filled a condom with Diet Coke, froze it, and bashed Manny over the head with it 47 times. Manny was then set into a coma, and taken to a hospital. After being taken to the ER where he was put on life support and several experiments were conducted upon him, the US government ordered his life support to be shut off immediately. All legal papers say this was done. Nevertheless, there are rumors the Venezuelan government has since taken care of Manny.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Very few people are aware of all of Manny's crimes against humanity. This can largely be attributed to the fact that Wikipedia aggressively hides any information about the topic, instead opting to label him as a fictional character. It is unknown whether this is the work of the cabal, Manny's drug cartel, or Wikipedia editors who have their heads all the way up their asses and are simultaneously too stubborn to admit they don't know anything about him.
The one thing that most people are aware of about him is that he was responsible for inventing the word ploopy. An overwhelming 81.5% of people consider it the most offensive word in the English language.
After Manny's apparent death, Rodrick's band "Löded Diper" began using tiny severed arms in place of traditional wooden drumsticks. It has since become one of the most popular heavy metal bands, but this actually has mostly to do with Emos who masturbate to the thought of having their arms torn off in a similar fashion.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Nobody actually knows what he said because it consisted largely of blubbering gibberish.
- ↑ Yes, he had a throne. It's just his plastic training toilet covered in gold.
- ↑ While initially suspected to be the only time anyone saw through the excuse, an interview with Fox News later revealed that they would've accepted him back, but they liked blowing up children too much to do so.