HowTo:Deal with an emergency

Dial 112 for help. It's good to know the phone's right there!

In the event of a fire...

Always remember to fight fire with fire!

1. Don't panic.
2. Pull the fire alarm. This will signify, to everyone else, not to panic.
3. Fire two shots in the air to gain control of the situation. (Do Not use a silenced pistol or a rocket launcher for this purpose.)
4. Order everyone to form a line from shortest to tallest. (This is to slow the fire's spread to you. Tall people burn slower.)
5. Leave all excess items in the building, such as briefcases, laptops, books, babies, buckets of water, fire extinguishers, flame-retardant jackets, clothing, and your printout of this article.
6. Tell everyone to exit using the stairs, not the elevator. This is so that they won't hog the space in your fireproof, safe-box elevator.
7. Do not use the most convenient exit. That's where the fire will look for you first. Use the fire exit at the opposite end of the building to fool its pathfinding abilities.
8. If there is a fire blocking your path, attack it with a fire axe. Also, it may be necessary to fight fire with fire, so bring a flamethrower to burn the fire.
9. If that does not work, shout "FIRE!" loudly and repeatedly until the fire is extinguished. (Do Not shout "HELP!", as this will ruin the final step.)
10. Remember: children, the elderly, and the infirm still have legs and should be capable of reaching the exits themselves. Now, consider your helpless possessions: money, TV, pool table - as inanimate objects, they have most need of your aid.
11. A fire is more afraid of you than you are of it. Stand close to it, making threatening gestures and growling. (Do Not show any fear.)

In the event of a hurricane...

Before the Storm

The Civil Defense will indicate to you a better place to find help.

1. Don't be black.
2. Don't live in New Orleans.
3. If a mandatory evacuation is ordered in your area, refuse to leave, especially if you live on or near the ocean.
4. Park your crappy car next to a tree so that if it blows over you can get some free money from your insurance company.
5. Go surfing, storm surge makes for some killer waves (literally).
6. Be sure to buy a waterproof container for important items such as homeowner's information, social security cards, pornography, bank records, etc.
7. Stock up on the following:

• Beer
• Canned food
• Flashlights
• batteries
• Cyanide
• Extra clothing (preferably something slutty)
• Battery operated radio
• Don't forget personal hygiene items, such as:

• Toothbrush
• Deodorant
• Soap
• Anti-crab shampoo
• Vagisil™
• Condoms (Scratch that. You're probably going to die, so why not enjoy yourself)

• Pokémon cards (they will become currency after the collapse of society)
• Guns and ammunition (civilization may spiral into a glorious orgy of violence)
• Weed (Hey, if you're gonna go, you might as well go stoned out of your fucking mind)

During the Storm

1. Pray.
2. Convince naïve chicks that you are both going to die so you might as well enjoy the pleasures of the flesh one last time.
3. Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.

After the Storm

1. Assess damage.
2. Loot derelict houses in the surrounding area.
3. Loot abandoned businesses in the surrounding area.
4. Loot any and all cadavers in the surrounding area.
5. If the surrounding area is flooded, remember that bloated corpses make excellent flotation devices.
6. Call your insurance company so they can explain that you are not covered because you didn't dot an "I" on your contract.

In the event of a terrorist attack...

Terrorist propaganda.

1. Remain calm.
2. Tell everyone else to remain calm or face imminent death.
3. Disable any alarm systems to keep everyone calm.
4. Wave a gun in the air to show that you are willing and able to keep everyone safe.
5. Deny the terrorists' existence.
6. Continue your day normally to keep everyone calm.
7. Call Jack Bauer and start a loud timer for 24 hours.
8. Declare war on Terrorism, the one thing terrorists love.
9. Pick an arbitrary country and claim that it is where all the terrorists are hiding.
10. Declare war on said arbitrary country.
11. Create a list of goals to achieve while at war.
12. Pretend that you are reaching every goal you set.
13. Blame any continuing acts of terrorism on non-patriots' lack of faith.
14. You'll think up an exit strategy later. For now, stay the course.

In the event of overpopulation...

A typical emergency overpopulation readiness kit.

1. First, be reminded that this is undoubtedly the most fun emergency in the world.
2. Update yourself on A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift.
3. Retrieve your emergency overpopulation readiness kit.
4. Kill everyone you see.
5. Do Not look in any mirrors.
6. Be careful, just in case someone else is referring to this list (especially #4).
7. Manufacture some Soylent Green from the remains.

In the event of a zombie infestation...

1. Find the nearest priest with a /LFG command.
2. Have the priest bless a bottle of water.
3. What? You don't even have bless?
4. Dispose of the priest's body.
5. Hide in a shopping mall, where you are sure there would be absolutely no people.

You now have several options for fighting zombies:

See also HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak for further information.

• Zombies live off brains, thus by killing a zombie's brain cells you will kill the zombie. Try forcing them to watch Oprah, Survivor, or Fox News. Alternatively, sit in front of them and make up cheesy lines such as saying "I'm having a smashing time," while holding a sledgehammer.
• Aim for the head with the shotgun you so fucking wish you had.
• Feed them KFC. Rat droppings are poisonous to zombies.
• Get bored and leave. It's not like zombies are dangerous.

See also HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak for further information.

In the event of a meathead riot...

A typical emergency exit that was cleverly engineered by meatheads at the gym..

Did you really think you could escape the F-Bomb?

1. Have plenty of muscle milk and no-xplode to barter.
2. For the love of god, wipe down the exercise equipment.
3. Don't use the emergency door, that's for pussies (pictured right)
4. Hide in a library.
5. Keep doing constant bicep curls to fit in with the masses.
6. Constantly assure meatheads you have the perfect push-up at home and you don't need bench today.

In the event of an F-Bomb drop

Mother of all disasters has arrived!

1. Now is the time to panic. The apocalypse of pure-awesomeness and destruction is here.
2. Try calling some level of authority, so you have someone to blame when if you don't escape.
3. Pray to God, only to be dissapointed by the fact that nothing happens.
4. Shout "You can't behave like that in public." at the perpetrator of the bomb drop. They might go easy and save you. Or equally they could comeback "Neither can you!", in the hope of distracting you from the last step. Don't let them! But don't hesitate.
5. Look for some sort of bomb shelter. None? Oh well, nice knowing you.