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HowTo:Fuck Off

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In the doghouse? Spilled someone's pint? Accidentally accused someone of sexual relations with several members of the ovine kingdom? Buddy, it's happened to all of us. Looks like it's time for you to fuck off!

But how does one go about such a complex act? Well, that's why this handy guide has been created - by the time you have read this, digested the information contained within, and put it into practice, you'll be able to fuck off with the best of them!

So turn to the person who is demanding that you fuck off, and politely inform them that while you don't know how to do so at present, you are about to learn, and if they would be so good as to wait a short while, you should be able to oblige them soon. That should buy you some time, while we proceed to the first step:

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Step One - The Hardest Step of All

Ouch! Painful, wasn't it? That guy didn't take kindly to your request, did he? So, you've learned the first lesson: fucking off must be done quickly, and with the minimum of fuss. Asking politely for time to consider your options is not, er, an option.

You could be forgiven for thinking that this step was unnecessary, but think about it, you're not likely to forget this first lesson in a hurry, are you? In educational terms, this is called "associative learning" - now that you associate pain with failure to fuck off, you are more likely to put the rest of this course into practice. And those ribs will heal in no time!

And look on the bright side, a couple of days in hospital will give you plenty of time to complete the rest of this course! So, let's progress on to Step Two.

Step Two - Be Aware Of Your Options

Daffy Duck demonstrating the desired result of fucking off through the wall

You never know when you might have to fuck off. Therefore you should ensure you are aware of all available escape routes at all times.

Bearing this in mind, it might be wise to ensure you are intimately familiar with all locations you are likely to enter. Do not enter a new building, for instance, unless you have identified all possible exits, and maybe even several impossible exits, for example through your chair - it pays to be thorough. After all, you may think that attempting to run straight through a brick wall is pointless, but if the guy telling you to fuck off is big enough, it's no worse than what he's likely to do to you! Some experts have even claimed it is definitely preferable. However, please note: only attempt to use impossible exits if all possible exits are blocked or otherwise taken out of the equation.

Similarly, on entering a new room, stop[1] and ensure you note all of the ways back out again, all of the secure hiding places, and the presence of any chandeliers or hanging ropes (always useful when fucking off hastily, yet stylishly).

However, as buildings - even ones with many windows and doorways - always limit your options, try to remain outdoors wherever possible. This should present you with a significantly increased number of options at all times. Do remember to be aware of traffic in the area, and always try to choose the safest route possible. Heading directly into traffic should be a last resort, and should only be used if the guy telling you to fuck off is likely to cause you more damage than that truck turning the corner behind you.

Also, remain aware of obstacles in your immediate vicinity - many a planned off-fuck has been foiled by an unheeded fire hydrant, for instance.

In fact, bearing all of this in mind, probably your safest bet is to always remain in the middle of a field, well away from any trees. Here, you should always have a choice of directions in which you can fuck off. And that leads us nicely on to Step Three.

Step Three - Choosing The Correct Direction

It is vital that you become skilled in the art of choosing the optimum direction. Remember the first lesson - you have little to no time to assess the situation, so you must be able to choose your route, and then fuck off rapidly.

Consider your options quickly and carefully - a simple door might look inviting, but who knows what lurks on the other side, waiting to impede your progress? Passers by, house pets, unexpected candy grams - any of these and more could be there, and you just don't know. What's more, the door itself might be locked and unless you have perfected the art of Daffy Duck, you'd be, well, fucked. Automatic doors can be really annoying too; imagine running into one of those right before it even opens. Slide doors are a pain, too. However, you can use the doors to your advantage, too. Run through a door, slam it, then lock it (works best with a one-sided lock) and run off, giving yourself the upper hand. Take note of any closets, janitor rooms, dead-ends, bathroom stalls or dog kennels. Avoid these at all costs!

Similarly, consider the person telling you to fuck off. You don't want to pass close to them in case they decide you are not complying with their wishes, and get physical with you. So in theory, any direction away from them is fine, right?

Some establishments are known to provide help in these situations.

Wrong. Consider the situation more carefully. More often than not, the person telling you to fuck off is a big man, and most such people have hangers-on around them. They should be easy to identify - they're the ones who laughed at his jokes, and whose faces are now twisted in a creditable expression of hatred in your direction. Be sure to avoid these guys too.

You also need to be aware of any obstacles between you and your preferred exit. Static objects, people, moving objects, heavily fortified machine gun nests - any of these could potentially ruin your chances of successfully fucking off. And only consider routes involving travelators if you've had the proper training.

Finally, consider where your route is likely to lead. Ideally, you are after somewhere quiet, away from your current intimidatory situation, and with the scope to fuck off further if required. Outdoors is good, upstairs is generally bad unless you are in a basement (being several stories above ground really limits your options unless you have a handy parachute).

Step Four - Fucking Off

This is actually the easy bit: Leave your current location. Quickly. In your chosen direction.

Step Five - And Stay Fucked Off

Arguably the most important step of all is staying fucked off. Once you have put significant distance between you and the guy telling you to fuck off, do not, under any circumstances, return to that location. Ever. Seriously, it's not worth the risk. If it was a bar, drink somewhere else; if it was at school, move to another school; if it was in the street, move to another city to be on the safe side, or consider emigrating[2]; if it was in the middle of a field, pick another field - preferably belonging to a different farmer, as it's likely to have been him telling you to fuck off in the first place.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you be tempted to return to the scene of the off-fuck. People have long memories, and even if the guy who told you to fuck off has left, others may remain who did not order the off-fuck, but who nonetheless tacitly endorsed it. Or perhaps you had to fuck off from a bar without paying for your drinks, or the very act of fucking off could have led to you being identified as a suspect in a murder investigation that commenced in that location a short while later. Who knows? Don't take the risk, stay the fuck away!

Examples With Analysis

Let's examine a few situations with the help of a willing volunteer, Ted.

Example 1

Ted walks into a toy shop he has never entered before. Without pausing to assess his surroundings, he walks straight up to a small boy clutching the last Power Rangers toy in the shop in one of the aisles. "You don't want to buy one of those." explains Ted helpfully. "People will think you're gay. And they break really easily--watch!" Ted then snatches the toy, drops it on the floor and stamps on it.

"Oi, what the hell are you doing?" says a large man on the other side of the aisle, dropping the Ninja Turtle he had been inspecting. "You've made my son cry. Why don't you fuck off, pal?"

"Because I don't want to", responds Ted. "And your ugly little brat should shut up. I was only trying to help him!"

The large man's expression becomes even more hostile. "You don't listen, do you, pal? I told you to fuck off!" he exclaims, before kicking Ted straight in the nuts, hitting him over the head with a Ninja Turtles Sewer Action Playset, and throwing him head first into a stack of slinkies. The large man walks off with his son, fuming, and Ted remains entangled in the slinkies for six hours, until he is finally removed by skilled surgeons at the local hospital.

Verdict: Abject failure. Ted seems to have ignored all of the advice above. He failed to assess his surroundings, didn't fuck off quickly when given the chance to do so, and compounded these basic errors by not even trying to fuck off. Let's hope he's a quick learner!

Example 2

Ted enters a shopping mall he has never entered before. Taking a quick look around, he spots an emergency exit nearby, and, satisfied with this rapid reconnaissance, heads off in search of purchasing pleasure. He spies a store that takes his fancy, and heads for the doorway, noting the skylight far above him as a potential impossible exit. However when he arrives at the store, the entrance is blocked by a large gentleman walking slowly. Ted taps him on the shoulder and says politely, "Are you going to take all day getting through that door, fat boy? Only some of us would like to shop before the store closes tonight".

"What?" asks the large gentleman, clearly nonplussed.

"Anyway, you're heading in the wrong direction - Dunkin' Donuts is over there. If you waddle off now, maybe you'll get there before they shut!"

"Fuck off, numbnuts!" says the large gentleman aggressively. Ted quickly analyzes his options, and, remembering the skylight, tries to fuck off through it. Unfortunately, it is 17 feet above him, and as he jumps up and down in a futile attempt to reach it, the large gentleman punches him dead in the teeth. A short but brutal encounter later, Ted is unceremoniously thrown out of the mall through the nearby, unobstructed door. Another week in the local hospital follows.

Verdict: Failure. Ted has learned something from his earlier experience, and taken in some of the details of his surroundings. He has also made an attempt to fuck off this time. Unfortunately, he chose the wrong option, attempting to use an impossible exit when there was a perfectly good possible exit--the door--nearby. Still, there's hope for Ted if he keeps improving at this rate--and at least he is now becoming immune to hospital food!

Example 3

This time, Ted is preparing to enter a new restaurant with which he is unfamiliar. He looks around and sizes up his options. He sees three perfectly good doorways, an exit that leads to the roof (not exactly preferable), a large brick wall as an impossible exit, and a plexiglass wall that is usually found on the side of a Burger King. He walks over to the counter and asks to be seated. Upon being told that there is a thirty minute wait, he decides to take a seat. The only seat open is a bench, and he would be squeezed very tightly in between one enormously fat person and one hugely muscular man with an obvious toupee. "Oi, could you two dickheads move over? You're so large I'm surprised that you don't take up the whole damn restaurant."

The muscular man looks at his companion and then back at Ted. "Why don't you go fuck off and die?" he asks, with a thick German accent.

Ted quickly assesses the situation. One of the doorways is blocked by a family of four attempting to enter the crowded restaurant. He quickly makes a dive through the brick wall. Luckily, the restaurant's construction was shoddy, and Ted manages to make a beautiful bloody thud on the other side of the brick wall. He then drags himself to the parking lot (going past a perfectly unblocked door), opens his car, calls 911, and then promptly passes out.

Verdict: Mild Failure. This time, Ted has successfully fucked off through an impossible exit. He did, however, cause himself more bodily harm than could have happened if he hadn't even fucked off in the first place, and he disregarded a perfectly feasible exit. Luckily for Ted, he has been cautious enough to buy top of the line health insurance because of his previous hospital visits. Also, Ted is showing constant improvement.

Example 4

Ted is about to enter a bar for the first time. He steps smartly through the doorway and to one side, noting at once the rectangular shape of the room, the two small but serviceable windows (placed at a handy height for a headlong dive), the fire exit in the corner, the doorway behind the bar that leads to the stairs to the cellar (possibly a difficult option, as any off-fuck through a cellar may involve tunnelling), the tacky chintz wallpaper (a little bit distracting, but we'll allow him this as he's doing well so far), the large group of threatening men crowded around the fruit machine in the corner, and the large man at the bar with an unidentifiable hairstyle.

Satisfied that he has viewed all the available exits, he heads to the bar for a much needed pint. However, his way to the bar is blocked by the large man, so he politely enquires "oi, mullet-head, will you shift your reeking carcass over so better looking people can get served?"

The large man turns around slowly, face beetroot red, ham-sized hands already balling into fists. "What did you say? he grunts.

"Oh, are you deaf as well as ugly?" responds Ted pleasantly, "Well, I told you to move your fat ass and redneck hairstyle out of my way, now do I have to break it down into step by step instructions, or do you think you've got the basics?"

The man stares for another second, then rumbles "Fuck off, you little prick!"

Ted instantly sizes up his options - one of the threatening men from the fruit machine is now leaning in the doorway chatting on his cellphone, the cellar is risky, but one of the windows has just been opened - and within a few seconds, he hops nimbly onto a table near the open window and dives head first through it. Hitting the ground rolling, he runs along the road outside until he reaches a taxi rank, jumps in a cab, heads to the airport, books a one-way ticket to Tahiti, spends the whole flight locked in the toilet of the plane to be on the safe side, and on arrival heads straight for the nearest hotel and books a room for several weeks.

Verdict: Success! Ted has demonstrated all the steps discussed above, and in the correct order. And as a bonus, he now has several weeks to learn not to be such an asshole in the hopes of avoiding a similar situation in the future!

Advanced Technique

Sometimes, just fucking off is not enough, and you may be instructed to carry out further actions afterwards. Here is a little advice for further reading in case of being asked to perform a variation of the basic off-fuck.

  • Fuck off and die - perform the usual fucking off actions as detailed above, then see here and here for further instructions.
  • Go fuck yourself - a cleverly disguised fuck off request. Again, perform the usual actions detailed above, then see here for further instructions.
  • Go eat shit fuckers - while it may seem straightforward, this is actually a highly complex instruction. See here for in-depth discussion of this technique.

Practical Session

Now you have read all of those valuable tips, considered them, written them down and memorised them, fuck off!

If you are still reading this, you've failed, you were told to fuck off! If you've come back for critique of your technique, you've also failed - I told you to fuck off, that means you stay fucked off. Don't you fucking listen? Just FUCK OFF!

Honestly, some fucking people!

See also


  1. Not in the doorway, as someone behind you, on finding their entrance obstructed, might tell you to fuck off before you have had chance to identify a route, leaving you with an unwanted dilemma. Always think one step ahead!
  2. If you do emigrate to a country where they speak a different language, be sure to learn the local translation of "fuck off" before you go. Always think one step ahead!
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