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“I'll collect my foot in your ass, motherfucker.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Collecting

“Mr. T pities the fool who don't collect fabulous Mr. T merchandise!!”

~ Mr. T on Delicious new Mr. T chewable vitamins

“We collect th' terris over there so we don't have to collect them here, y'see.”

~ George W. Bush on terraces

What are Collectors?[edit]

Collectors are those who, at some point in their lives, collect. From bits and baubles to kibbles n bits, collectors do not often discriminate. The process by which collectors acquire new items involves regurgitating a highly corrosive fluid onto the collected item, then ingesting it through a straw-like chest tube.

Though this process differs slightly on a case-by-case basis, both cases were used to hold vast collections, and were then collected themselves. So that leaves us in a bit of a sticky wicket. (which may also be collected by wicket enthusiests.)

Often known for anti-social hermit-like behavior, collectors sometimes collect enough items to physically crush themselves. They are often found as such by the authorities several months after the initial crushing.

One way to tell if you are a collector is to ask yourself this question: "Do I collect something?" - If you answered yes, then you are a collector. Another question would be "Have I ever been collected?" - If you answer yes to this question, you are not a collector but instead are a collection.

What types of Collectors are there?[edit]

The common collector in its natural habitat.
  1. Those that acquire a butt load of something.
  2. Those that acquire an ass load of something.
  3. Those that have at any time purchased anything.
  4. Anyone.
  5. Those that enjoy possessing abnormal quantities of things.
  6. Men without Girlfriends.
  7. Kids, in relation to Tin Cans.
  8. Females, in relation to Shoes and Semen.

Famous Collectors and Their Passions[edit]

An autograph can make most any item worthwhile to the collector. Above, a breast suddenly becomes an item of interest.
  1. Scrooge McDuck: Money, Fine Art, Robots, Wives.
  2. Richie Rich: Money, Fine Art, Robots, Dogs.
  3. Your mom: Penis, Obesity, Ugliness, Stupidity.
  4. The Nation of Islam: Hummels.
  5. George W Bush: Bottlecaps, Other people's Countries.
  6. Metallica: The Souls of the Damned.
  7. Hillary Clinton: Riding Crops.
  8. Steve Irwin: Flies.
  9. Courtney Love: Drugs, Bruises, Kurt Cobain songs.
  10. Soviet Russia: You.
  11. Chester Cheetah: Cheese. (To the point of physical danger.)
  12. Steve Urkel: Exotic Fish.
  13. Gollum: His preciousssssss.
  14. Hobbitsssessss: Taters.

You are an collector if[edit]

The Planet Earth. Already property of the Bush collection.
  1. You own a collection.
  2. A collection owns you.
  3. You have ever purchased mylar bags.
  4. You have ever felt that you "Gotta Catch 'em all!"
  5. You've used eBay.
  6. You've used one or more of the Internets.
  7. You've used Google.
  8. You are currently thinking of printing this page and adding it to your collection.
  9. You own the World War Collectors Boxset.
  10. You are a collector.
  11. You aren't a collector.
  12. You are a virgin.
  13. You own more than one pair of socks.
  14. You've ever used an indefinite article during the course of normal conversation.

What is collectable[edit]

Sponges. Highly collectable.
Women. Collect at your own risk.
  1. Money.
  2. Baseball cards.
  3. Comics.
  4. Postage stamps.
  5. Whores
  6. Coins.
  7. Riding Crops.
  8. Leather Bustiers.
  9. Human Skulls.
  10. Limbs.
  11. Vinyl Records.
  12. STDs.
  13. Property.
  14. Friends.
  15. Enemies.
  16. Collections.
  17. The love of Christ.
  18. Spouses.
  19. Power.
  20. Robots and Giant Robots.
  21. Animals.
  22. Insects.
  23. Dust.
  24. sex toys
  25. virginitys

What is not collectable[edit]

Volcanic Vent Shrimp. Not currently collectable.
Tea. Collectable only in small units.
  1. Items of which there is only one.
  2. Outerspace.
  3. Everything. (At once.)
  4. Time itself.
  5. God.
  6. Batman.
  7. Ghost Rider.
  8. Volcanic Vent Shrimp. (For the time being.)
  9. All the Tea in China.
  10. Most of the Tea in China.
  11. All the Porn in Japan.
  12. Henways.
  13. Rebels and Renegades.

Natural Enemies[edit]

The natural enemies of collectors are few, but deadly.

Children. Nature's ultimate killing machines.
  1. Children.
    Known for drooling, mewling, and straight tripping. Children do not respect a collector's collection and may wish to "open" or "play with" valuable items, causing corrosion and water damage.
  2. Women.
    Though actually fun to collect, women can be highly dangerous to a collection. They may insist you "grow up", "pay more attention to me" or "get the fuck out". Each scenario may end with destruction of the collection.
  3. Parents.
    Do not leave parents alone with any collection. Parents have a natural inborn desire to see collections in garbage recepticles. Science has yet to explain this phenomenon. Please note that some parents are also women.
  4. Siblings.
    Siblings may wish to destroy a collection simply out of malice or "for shits and giggles". Any given item in a collection may become burned, corroded, beheaded, water damaged, urine-soaked, or otherwise maligned when put in direct contact with a sibling.

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