Bob Durlan

Bob Durlan blowing away with all his might on ol' Yellers magical flute.

Bob Durlan (Legal name: Bobert All-Hail Zimmermunt), Born December 32nd, 1292 B.C., is the evil twin brother of singer-songwriter Bob Dylan. Considered one of the greatest rappers of all time, Bob Durlan has been a major figure in caveman culture over his 1000-year career, with over 2 raps sold worldwide.

Early Life

The early years of Bob Durlan (a.k.a. Bobert All-Hail Zimmermunt) are a bizarre mix of legend, amazing storytelling, and outright lies told by Durlan himself. Born on December 32nd, 1292 B.C., a date that does not exist, Bob claimed his arrival was so significant that the calendar had to “make room for his vibe.” His birth took place during a freak snowstorm inside a volcano, which experts agree is “scientifically impossible, but kinda cool to think about.”

Raised by a single-parent saber-tooth tiger named Sharon, Bob spent his formative years learning basic survival skills, like how to hunt for snacks in a world where Doritos didn’t exist. According to local cave paintings, his first words were “Yeet,” followed by “Pass the mammoth meat.” By age three, Bob had invented the wheel purely so he could roll downhill faster while holding his pet rock, Kevin.

At age six, Bob attempted to “discover fire” by wrestling a lightning bolt during a thunderstorm. While he didn’t succeed, he did create what historians call the first “hot mixtape” by screaming into the burning remains of his dignity. This performance earned him the nickname “The Charcoal Kid” among local cavemen, which he hated so much that he ran away from home to pursue his dream of becoming “the greatest guy to ever grunt into a cave.”

During this time, Bob joined a traveling group of prehistoric theater kids, where he learned the ancient art of banging sticks together and yelling loudly. It was here that he developed his signature stage presence: randomly falling over mid-performance and calling it “a metaphor.” He also gained his first rival, Greg the Neanderthal Beatboxer, who consistently outshined Bob in caveman talent shows by imitating saber-tooth tiger roars with eerie accuracy.

By the time Bob turned nine (or possibly 300, depending on which weird calendar you use), he had officially declared himself a “musical genius” despite having released zero songs. He also invented a prehistoric version of Spotify by carving playlists into stone tablets and demanding people carry them around. Unsurprisingly, no one did.

Music Career

Bob Durlan’s music career truly began when he discovered what he believed to be an ancient artifact of great power: a hollowed-out mammoth femur. Upon blowing into it and accidentally summoning a herd of angry alpacas (no one knows how they got there), Bob declared, “I am the chosen one of wind music!” Thus began his disastrous flute journey.

Bob spent the next 42 years mastering his so-called “femur flute,” an instrument that, by all accounts, sounded like a walrus with a head cold. His practice sessions were infamous for causing structural damage to nearby caves and confusing passing pterodactyls, many of which reportedly crash-landed mid-flight upon hearing his “music.”

Bob Durlan as a teenager.

Convinced he was revolutionizing sound itself, Bob decided to write his first masterpiece: Symphony in Flatulence Minor, a 12-hour flute solo performed entirely underwater. The performance, which took place in a swamp, was attended by three frogs, a very bored snail, and one guy named Carl who thought he was there for a fishing competition. Bob considered it a roaring success and claimed, “I have reinvented air!”

As his fame (or infamy) grew, Bob began experimenting with flute modifications. He attached additional bones to his flute, creating a multi-chambered monstrosity he called the “Mega Flute 9000.” The instrument was so unwieldy that it required six assistants just to hold it upright while Bob wheezed into it like a dying sloth. During its debut, the Mega Flute emitted a noise so powerful it knocked over three nearby woolly mammoths and shattered every piece of pottery within a 10-mile radius. Bob was thrilled, declaring it “the greatest moment in musical history,” while local authorities declared it a public safety hazard.

Determined to push boundaries even further, Bob developed a controversial flute-playing technique known as “extreme whistling”, which involved balancing on one foot, spinning in circles, and playing three flutes simultaneously while yelling his favorite sandwich recipes. Audiences were left baffled, with one reviewer describing the experience as “what I imagine getting attacked by bees would sound like, but worse.”

At the height of his flute obsession, Bob announced a bold new project: a duet with the wind itself. He climbed to the top of the tallest mountain he could find, held his flute aloft, and waited for nature to collaborate with him. After several hours of awkward silence, a strong gust of wind blew the flute out of his hands and into the mouth of a nearby goat, which accidentally produced a better melody than Bob ever had. Bob called the goat “an industry plant” and refused to speak of the incident again.

Bob Durlan spotted in Walmart with his lucky shopping cart.

Though his flute-playing career was an unmitigated disaster, Bob’s efforts were not entirely in vain. His relentless experimentation led to several bizarre innovations, including:

• The first flute kazoo, which caught fire during testing for reasons no one can explain.
• A failed attempt at flute-based aviation, where he tied flutes to his arms and jumped off a cliff, hoping to “soar on the wings of music.” (He didn’t.)
• Flute yoga, an exercise regimen where participants blow into flutes while holding increasingly ridiculous poses, like “Inverted Mammoth” and “Sobbing Neanderthal.”

Despite everything, Bob insisted that his flute era was “ahead of its time” and blamed his critics for “not having advanced enough ears to understand true genius.”

Controversies

Bob Durlan has been criticized for numerous reasons over his career, the most popular one being how he never brushes his teeth or changes his clothes when he is on tour with other musicians, which makes them want to use a different microphone far away from Durlan's awful breath. Durlan supposedly has a Porta-potty outside of his house because according to his neighbours: "He doesn't wanna waste money on flushing the toilet".

Robbing Of The Orphanage

Bob Durlan walking towards the orphanage with his "SWAG BAG"

On January 22nd, 2025, Bob Durlan, Pete Seeger, and Woody Guthrie came up with a plan to rob a children's orphanage to steal what little they have. Bob suggested they use a shopping cart so they could "roll away" when they were done. Bob also had a bag for putting things in that he called the "SWAG BAG". When they arrived at the orphanage the cart crashed right through the old doors of the orphanage and the children were shocked. According to Bob, the children put on their best bald caps and attempted to fight back the 3 of them. Woody Guthrie supposedly started raiding the kitchen and didn't take any food, but took the kitchen sink, and nothing else, instead. while Bob was stealing the little treasury the children had, and Woody was ripping the kitchen sink out of the wall, Pete Seeger was attempting to distract the orphanage owners by playing them a tune on his banjo. He was supposedly playing "Don't go check on the kids they are fine just keep listening to my banjo". When they were finished, the kids screamed—not out of fear, but because they thought it was some kind of impromptu theatre performance. They swarmed the trio, grabbing bald caps, harmonicas, and banjos. One particularly bold child climbed onto Bob's shoulders and declared, “I’m the captain now!”.

The Escape

Just as they were about to leave, the orphans—alerted by the sound of Bob knocking over yet another shelf—stormed the scene. Wearing their trusty bald caps, the children surrounded the trio, armed with plastic forks and foam swords.

“What the hell?!” yelled the orphan captain. “you’re stealing our beans?! Get them!”

What followed was nothing short of chaos. Woody tried to calm the kids with a soulful blues riff, but it only made them more determined. Pete used his banjo as a shield, fending off tiny attackers. And Bob? He fled, harmonica in one hand and the SWAG BAG in the other, screaming, “ART IS PAIN! ART IS PAIN!!!!”.

Defeated, they returned the beans, toys, and onion to the orphanage the next day, leaving them on the doorstep with a handwritten note that read: Sorry for the inconvenience—Bob, Woody, and Pete.

The orphans, now official masters of chaos, laughed about the “great bean robbery” for years to come, forever memorializing the trio as the most bizarre thieves they’d ever encountered.

Feud With Bob Dylan

The feud between Durlan and his brother Dylan is the stuff of legend. Scholars speculate that Bob Durlan invented folk music but was too lazy to copyright it, allowing Bob Dylan to swoop in millennia later and steal the spotlight. In retaliation, Durlan wrote Blowin’ in the Dirt, a diss track that accused Dylan of “rhyming harmonica with pajamas.”

Despite the ongoing rivalry, the two reconciled briefly in the 1960s after co-writing Like a Rolling Stone Age.

Marriages And Relationships

Bob Durlan was married six times, not because he was unlucky in love, but because he simply could not be bothered to stay with one of them for too long. Unlike his twin brother Bob Dylan, who wrote countless songs about romance, Bob Durlan viewed relationships as "seasonal events"—fun for a while, but ultimately requiring too much effort.

He would start each marriage with enthusiasm, charm his wives with grand gestures, and then, within months (or in one case, hours), completely lose interest and wander off to pursue other things, like perfecting his flute skills or trying to invent a reclining rock chair.

Despite each of his wives being unique and accomplished women, none could hold Bob’s attention for long. He would propose with genuine excitement, but as soon as he realized marriage involved things like "remembering anniversaries" and "acknowledging his spouse's existence," he would mysteriously vanish, only to reappear years later with no explanation.

Wife #1 – Mildred the Permanently Exhausted (1300–1285 B.C.)

Mildred was Bob's first wife and the one who came closest to making the marriage work. Bob was deeply infatuated with her at first, going as far as to write a rap ballad titled Girl, You Make My Cave Feel Less Empty.

For the first few years, things seemed promising. Bob would bring her large, impractical gifts (including a life-sized stone sculpture of himself) and promised her a future filled with excitement. However, as soon as Mildred suggested they start organizing their household together, Bob suddenly remembered that he was "really busy with some music stuff" and disappeared for three years.

When he finally returned, he found Mildred had left and married a much more responsible man who knew what a calendar was. Bob briefly considered winning her back, but ultimately decided that required way too much effort.

Wife #2 – Agnes the Highly Resentful (1154–1133 B.C.)

Agnes and Bob had an explosive, whirlwind romance. He swept her off her feet, taking her on spontaneous trips to neighboring villages and performing passionate flute solos in her honor. For the first six months, he was completely dedicated.

Then, one day, Bob woke up and realized that being married involved things like "joint decision-making" and "helping with household chores," and he instantly lost all motivation.

His interest faded so quickly that, midway through an argument about finances, he simply walked away and didn’t return for a decade. When he eventually showed up at her door, expecting to pick things up where they left off, Agnes calmly informed him that he had been legally declared missing and she had remarried years ago.

Bob responded with, "Oh, cool. No hard feelings," and left without another word.

Wife #3 – Isolde the Extremely Regretful (872–850 B.C.)

Bob’s marriage to Isolde was his shortest lasting at only two months.

He was immediately smitten with her and, in a dramatic gesture, proposed within days of meeting her. The wedding was grand, featuring an absurdly long flute solo performed by Bob himself, followed by an hour-long speech about how he was ready to be a "changed man."

Unfortunately, on the very first morning of their marriage, Isolde asked Bob to help her carry something, and he realized that being a husband sometimes required lifting things.

Without saying a word, he left the house and never returned.

Wife #4 – Constance the Criminally Wealthy (67–25 B.C.)

Bob’s marriage to Constance was different. This time, he stuck around not out of love, but because she was absurdly rich, and he enjoyed the benefits of luxury.

For nearly forty years, Bob lived the high life. He had an entire staff that catered to his every need, including a personal assistant whose sole job was to rotate his many reclining chairs so he never got bored of sitting in the same direction.

However, even with all the wealth and comfort, Bob eventually got restless. One night, as he sat in his massive gold-plated chair, he turned to Constance and casually said, "I think I need to go find myself."

Constance, who had been expecting this moment for years, simply nodded and told him to close the door on his way out.

Bob’s Final Thoughts on Marriage

When asked in later years about his six marriages, Bob simply shrugged and said:

"Marriage is great at first, but after a while, it’s like… ugh. You know?"

Historians believe this is the closest thing to a self-reflection he ever had.

Bob's Secret Affair With The Beatles

One of the most perplexing and enduring rumours in the world of music is Bob Durlan’s alleged secret affair with The Beatles—specifically, with the band’s late-night antics during the height of their fame in the 1960s. The story first surfaced in 2026 when an obscure documentary titled The Secret Lives of Rock Stars aired, revealing shocking details about a supposed covert relationship between Bob Durlan and the Fab Four. While some still dismiss it as a fabrication, the details of the affair have become part of music folklore.

According to the documentary, Bob and The Beatles met during a chance encounter in London, where Bob was performing his first ever solo concert under the stage name "The Velvet Trashcan." The Beatles—who were already notorious for their penchant for eccentric behaviour and all-night jam sessions—were reportedly so impressed by Bob’s chaotic energy that they invited him to join them for a private session at Abbey Road Studios.

What followed was a bizarre week of recording, during which Bob allegedly collaborated with John, Paul, George, and Ringo in ways that defied conventional music-making. Sources claim that the sessions were marked by surreal moments, including Bob playing his harmonica while riding a unicycle and John Lennon attempting to write lyrics while blindfolded. Bob was said to have introduced the band to his peculiar "artistic philosophies," which included the concept of "sound as texture" and the idea that "a song could be anything, even silence, if you play it long enough."

The sessions were supposedly so outlandish that they never saw the light of day, though rumours abound that a few experimental tracks still exist in the Abbey Road vaults—tracks that, if released, could potentially change the entire narrative of rock history. Bob, according to insiders, was particularly fond of collaborating with George, bonding over their shared interest in unconventional instruments. George, who had recently begun exploring the sitar, was apparently captivated by Bob’s attempts to blend the instrument with his chaotic approach to music, creating what has since been called “psychedelic noise.”

The Love Triangle

But it wasn’t just the music that made the affair legendary—it was the rumoured love triangle that allegedly formed during Bob’s time with The Beatles. While no one can say for certain, multiple accounts suggest that Bob’s influence on the band’s creative dynamics wasn’t limited to the studio. During the recording sessions, Bob became especially close to Paul McCartney, sparking rumors of a romantic connection.

According to one former Beatles associate, Paul was “mesmerized by Bob’s freewheeling attitude and his ability to turn the most mundane things into art.” The two were often spotted together during late-night walks around London, engaged in passionate conversations about music, philosophy, and, according to some, their burgeoning feelings for one another. However, things allegedly took a turn when John Lennon, in a fit of jealousy, confronted Paul about the growing bond between him and Bob. Lennon, known for his blunt and no-nonsense approach, supposedly declared, “You can’t be in love with a man who doesn’t even know what a toothbrush is, Paul!”

The tension reached its peak when Bob, ever the unpredictable figure, introduced the band to what he called “The Durlan Diet,” which involved consuming nothing but pickled onions and whiskey for an entire week. The Beatles were divided—Paul and Bob, ever the adventurous spirits, embraced the challenge, while John, George, and Ringo were less than thrilled with the results. According to reports, John stormed off the studio one afternoon after Bob ate an entire jar of pickled onions in one sitting, declaring, “I can’t work like this! I’ve got to have a proper meal!”

The tension eventually led to Bob’s departure from London and the end of his brief affair with The Beatles. However, the impact of his time with the band remained long after he left, as his influence on their sound was evident in their later experimental works.

Durlan's Confession

In 2027, Durlan was interviewed by an up-and-coming music journalist who asked him outright about the rumours surrounding his affair with The Beatles. Bob, always enigmatic, refused to confirm or deny the stories, saying only, “Some things are better left in the music. But I will say this—Paul and I shared a bond. A bond of musical chaos. And maybe, just maybe, a bond of something more.”

When asked about the famous "Love Triangle," Bob shrugged nonchalantly and added, “Look, I was just trying to make art. What people read into it? That’s their business. But I’ll say this—I was the only one in that room who wasn’t afraid to throw the kitchen sink into the mix, and maybe that’s what they needed.”

Despite his cryptic answers, many still believe that Bob Durlan's brief yet explosive connection with The Beatles played a larger role in their final experimental albums. Some fans even speculate that certain uncredited tracks from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and The White Album carry echoes of Bob’s influence, though no official confirmation has ever been given.

In the years since, Bob has continued to maintain an aura of mystery around the affair, which only adds to his legend as one of music’s most elusive figures. Whether it was a love affair, a creative partnership, or simply another chapter in the life of an unpredictable artist, Bob Durlan’s brief flirtation with The Beatles remains one of the strangest and most talked-about moments in rock history.

Bob's Bad Hygiene And Grumpiness

While Bob Durlan’s eccentric genius in music and his unconventional lifestyle have earned him a reputation as one of the most influential artists of his generation, his notorious bad hygiene and surly attitude have also become a key part of his mystique. Fans and fellow musicians alike have long whispered about his legendary lack of cleanliness, which seems to go hand in hand with his infamous grumpiness. The combination has led to countless stories, many of which paint Bob as the ultimate antihero of rock 'n’ roll, a figure who defies all conventions—not just in music but in the most basic of personal care.

The "One Shirt" Tour

Bob’s hygiene (or lack thereof) first became the stuff of legend during his infamous One Shirt tour in 2027. According to those who traveled with him, Bob refused to change his clothes for an entire month, insisting that his shirt was "imbued with creative energy" and that washing it would "wash away the essence of his art." As a result, Bob’s tour wardrobe consisted solely of the same faded, stained t-shirt, which quickly became a symbol of his rebellion against the norms of society.

The stench, according to multiple reports, was overpowering. One roadie recounted that during a particularly cramped van ride, the smell was so unbearable that it “felt like we were all suffocating under a cloud of sour milk and old gym socks.” Bob, however, remained unbothered. “The shirt is fine,” he was quoted as saying. “It's the world that needs a wash.”

Fans at his concerts didn’t fare much better. A concertgoer from his Los Angeles show recalled, “When Bob walked onstage, I thought a garbage truck had overturned in the venue. It was like we were all hit by a wave of… something. But he played the best set I’ve ever seen.”

Bob's Grumpy Persona

Alongside his hygiene issues, Bob’s grumpiness has become almost as famous as his music. Those who have worked with him often describe him as a “difficult genius,” someone who, despite his brilliance, couldn’t seem to summon the energy to be anything but surly. Bob's grumpiness was most apparent during recording sessions, where he would often storm out of the studio mid-session, yelling at anyone who dared to suggest he change a single note or rhythm.

In one particularly famous incident in 2028, Bob stormed out of a recording session with his band after they asked him to “tone it down” during a particularly chaotic harmonica solo. “You can’t tame art!” Bob screamed as he grabbed his harmonica and slammed the door behind him. The band spent the rest of the day in silence, unsure whether to continue recording without him or to pack up and leave.

Bob’s bad attitude also extended to interviews. When asked about his creative process in a 2029 sit-down with Rolling Stone, Bob was notoriously curt. “I don't think about it. I just make noise. People who think too much about their music are afraid of it. Art is pain. And pain is loud,” he muttered, before abruptly ending the interview and walking out without so much as a goodbye.

Perhaps the most infamous example of Bob’s grumpiness occurred during a highly anticipated live TV interview. Asked to share his thoughts on modern music, Bob responded by scowling and muttering, “I don’t know. Everyone’s just copying each other. It’s like the whole world has given up and settled for mediocrity.” When the host tried to lighten the mood by joking about Bob’s unique style, Bob shot back, “My style isn’t a joke. You’re the joke.” The interview was cut short, and viewers were left both baffled and entertained by Bob’s lack of filter.

The Bathroom Incident

No discussion of Bob’s bad hygiene would be complete without mentioning the infamous "Bathroom Incident" of 2029. While on tour, Bob became known for his reluctance to use public restrooms, a quirk that led to several uncomfortable situations. According to tour staff, Bob would often “hold it” for hours, refusing to use bathroom facilities, even on long road trips.

In one particularly bizarre instance, Bob found himself in a heated confrontation with a hotel manager who asked him to use the restroom instead of relieving himself in the hotel lobby plants. According to witnesses, Bob was furious and demanded that the plants “were there to feel the pain of the world” and that it was “a form of art, a statement against modern sanitation.”

The incident gained such notoriety that fans started bringing “Bob Durlan’s Personal Plant” memorabilia to his concerts, including potted plants with Bob’s likeness painted on them. The plants became a bizarre symbol of his unique worldview, even though he never fully embraced the joke.

The Reluctant Personal Care Revolution

Despite his deep resistance to personal hygiene, Bob’s team eventually forced him into a small "revamp" in 2030, following a series of health scares allegedly tied to his lack of self-care. In a rare public appearance, Bob appeared slightly more polished, though not without protest.

"I didn't want to do this," he grumbled to the press, rubbing his freshly scrubbed face. "But sometimes, the world needs a clean version of you. Not everything has to stink." Bob’s "cleaning up" phase lasted all of two weeks, during which he allowed himself to shower once a day and even wore deodorant. Fans were initially shocked by the transformation but were soon relieved when Bob returned to his trademark scruffy, unkempt look just in time for his next tour.

Bob’s short-lived hygiene experiment only added to his mystique, as he explained, “You can only be clean for so long before you lose touch with what’s real. Dirt is truth. Clean is a lie.” And with that, he returned to his old ways, much to the delight (and disgust) of his fans.

Legacy Of Grime

Ultimately, Bob Durlan’s refusal to adhere to any conventional standards of hygiene became just another element of his larger-than-life persona. His bad hygiene wasn’t seen as a flaw, but rather as an extension of his artistic philosophy—one that rejected society’s obsession with perfection and embraced the beauty of imperfection.

To this day, Bob is still remembered as the grumpy, grizzled genius whose music changed the world—but whose hygiene, perhaps, never quite caught up. Whether it was his infamous One Shirt tour or his legendary grumpiness, Bob Durlan's brand of chaotic rebellion proved that even the most unsavory habits could be a form of art.

Bob Durlan’s Eating Habits and the Endless Suffering of His Personal Assistants

Bob Durlan, already wider than he was tall, lived exclusively on a diet that should have killed him at least 500 years ago. Described by historians as “the first and worst case of extreme gluttony”, Bob refused to cook, refused to eat by himself, and, most importantly, refused to stop consuming. His rotating team of personal assistants—all of whom aged twice as fast due to stress—were tasked with feeding Bob like a bloated Roman emperor who never learned to use his hands.

Bob’s daily diet included:

• 14 gallons of Mountain Dew Code Red (or, in prehistoric times, a crude mixture of swamp water and fermented berries that he called “Gamer Nectar”).
• 7 pounds of unseasoned meat (which he ate exclusively raw, claiming it “enhanced his primal energy”).
• A bucket of “cave nachos”, which was just a mix of stale bread, melted mammoth fat, and unidentified bones.
• An entire wheel of cheese that had aged so long it was actually growing limbs by the time it reached his mouth.
• A pile of fried dinosaur nuggets that he insisted be shaped into little stars “for the aesthetic.”

The Feeding Process

Bob never ate quietly. Every meal was an event, complete with caveman grunts, groans of satisfaction, and the occasional loud demand for more food before he even finished chewing. His assistants, often wearing full-body aprons, had to shovel food into his mouth at breakneck speeds while dodging:

• Projectile bones from meals he deemed “mid.”
• Fistfuls of grease-soaked bread hurled at anyone who dared suggest he eat a vegetable.
• The occasional full-body tantrum, where Bob would knock over entire tables in protest of “portion control.”

One assistant, Grog the Miserable, detailed his suffering in a series of cave paintings:

Day 3: Bob demands I dip his entire meal in “cheese goo.” We do not have cheese goo. He flings a turkey leg at my skull.

Day 7: He requests “a light snack.” I bring him a normal-sized portion. He calls me a “corporate shill” and knocks me unconscious with a rib bone.

Day 15: Bob refuses to eat unless the food is served to him on a stone tablet “like a king.” I comply. He eats the tablet as well.

Bob's Physical Condition

Despite consuming 15,000+ calories per meal, Bob somehow never moved a single muscle yet remained alive for centuries. Some theorists believe he achieved a state of pure gelatinous existence, where his body simply absorbed nutrients through osmosis. Others claim his assistants were secretly lifting his arms for him, effectively making him the first-ever 100% assisted eater.

By the end of his life (if he ever actually died), Bob Durlan had become so large and immobile that entire civilizations formed around his reclining body, treating him as a god of endless consumption. Some say you can still hear his thunderous burps echoing through time, a warning to all who dare live a life of excessive gluttony.

Legacy

Though often overshadowed by his more famous twin, Durlan has left an indelible mark on music, fashion, Intrusive thoughts, and bad decisions. He is credited with inventing:

• The first pair of stone headphones
• The phrase “Let me cook” (literally, as he often burned his rivals' food supplies)
• Prehistoric NFTs (Neanderthal Finger-painting Trades)

In 2022, Bob Durlan was posthumously awarded the title of "World’s Most Confusing Historical Figure."