Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/October

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Contagious disease.jpg

October 1: Winter Paradox (Eastern Hemisphere), Contagious Disease Appreciation Day

  • 1890 - 'Yosemite Sam' National Park established.
  • 1919 - Woodrow Wilson falls down the White House stairs and is the first President to lose use of his left big toe.
  • 1928 - The Soviet Union introduces its first Five-Year Plan, which is to come up with another five year plan in five years.
  • 1930 - "October 1 day" celebrated in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1960 - Nigeria gains independence from the United Kingdom. This event is celebrated by a solemn ten seconds of not sending spam emails.
  • 1962 - Riots in Mississippi as Alabama wins the "America's most racist state" award. Alabama's victory brought to an end Mississippi's 30-year winning streak.[1]
  • 1963 - Intelligent design is no longer taught in schools after the California State Board of Education is created.
  • 1975 - Muhammed Ali declared the eventual winner against Joe Frazier in a fight dubbed the "Battle in Guadacanal".
  • 1979 - The Hunt For Red October officially began. It was supposed to start on September 28th, but they waited a couple of days to save them changing the name.
  • 1998 - Raccoon City is destroyed by three cruise missiles and repeated aerial bombardment in an attempt to contain a T-Virus outbreak
  • 2003 - Bournemouth recognised as a city by the British government, entire world shocked.
  • 2004 - In a desperate bid to diversify its business Microsoft engineers and a team from Wigan University, England invent the pineapple chunk.

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Oday.gif

October 2: Orgasm Day

  • 1876 - Six women are killed in test of first steam-powered vibrator. It's inventor, Havelock Schtumpf, is never seen again.
  • 1889 - In Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich during the last great orgasm boom of the American old west.
  • 1919 - US President Woodrow Wilson reaches orgasm and suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
  • 1924 - The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the length of male orgasm.
  • 1949 - 500,000 male steel workers win improved retirement benefits, orgasms.
  • 1966 - The end of the Great Orgasm Shortage, as 2 billion people all orgasm at the same time, vibrating the earth closer to the sun by around 500 miles. Scientists predict a slow and steady increase in global temperature.

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Example of a shiny ass, on the hampster!

October 3: National Day of Retrofitting Your Hamster with a Metal Ass (Japan)

  • -1195 AD - The King of Persia launches a surprise attack on Rome with their new and improved rugs. Cesar Chavez's army crushes the attacks with a combined Pirate and Ninja fleet.
  • 1423 - First recorded joke of a man making a pun on the word 'come'.
  • 1915 - Steel prices skyrocket due to the large number of pet hamsters owned in Japan.
  • 1952 - Due to shortages of metal after World War II, hamsters are forced to wear discarded cutlery.
  • 1978 - Aluminium asses are proved to give greater power to weight ratio for the hamster.
  • 1982 - Discovered that uranium hamster ass was "probably not a very good idea".
  • 2004 - PETA activists blockade McDonalds fast-food outlets to protest against the cruel, barbaric process of retrofitting hamsters with metal asses.
  • 2015 - Apple creates iLife, therefore having a lifespan of 6 months before something newer and better than you is released.

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AirGuitar.gif

October 4: International Holiday In Space Day, National Day of No National Holidays (Botswana), International Zombie appreciation day

  • 1582- The Gregorian Calendar is implemented, skipping straight from October 4 to October 15. This new calendar replaced the Julian Calendar, and was the final straw in a massive flame war between Julius Caesar and Pope Gregory the Great.
  • 1846 - Smithsonian Institution opens its first Air and Space Museum. Due to the limited technology of the day, the exhibits consist of a kite, a feather, and a weird-shaped greenish rock that "looks kinda like it coulda come from space, or som'thin".
  • 1985 - The comic strip Fred Basset quixotically debuts in American newspapers.
  • 1991 - Leo Fender, inventor of the electric guitar, passes away. His death is marked by a minute of silent rockin' out on the air guitar (pictured).

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Sophia prefers real sex to telegraph sex.

October 5: National Telegraph Appreciation Day, brought to you by TT&A, your local telegraph provider

  • 1337 BC - The telegraph is invented by Greek inventor Teleos Graphodopoulos.
  • 337 BC - Alexander the Great celebrates 1,000th anniversary of telegraphy by having world's first telegraph sex with his lover, George Michael; boasts of his "long dash."
  • 663 - Meheomod, a.k.a. Mohammed, telegraphs his intentions to destroy all Christian infidels. Celebrations of telegraph's 2,000th anniversary are cancelled.
  • 1371 - Blinding snowstorm snarls traffic, downs telegraph lines in Ming Dynasty's first test of emergency preparedness.
  • 1921 - The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time. Telegraph announcer at the World Series loses all fingers trying to keep up. He sues all radio owners making them give him their fingers; He now has over a million fingers on each hand.
  • 1926 - The first error 404 appeared in a telegraph (in this thing called the "internet")
  • 1931 - Before crashing in France, the British airship R101 sends an urgent SOS telegram, until they realize there's nothing connected onto the other end of it.
  • 2001 - Telegraph service finally arrives in Kentucksylvania.
  • 2006 - Google and SUN Microsystems release their thin-client telegraph server, codenamed GTelegraph, to combat Microsoft.
  • 2006 - Western Union cancels telegraphic service, saying "We're gonna try out this new telly-phone deal the kids are so fond of."
  • 2008 - George Michael confessess his love of crack and Tom Cruise markets his new video game.
  • 2009 - Peru runs out of biscuits due to a telegraphic error in the shipping quote.

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Trojan-horse.jpg

October 6 : Anniversary of the Invention of Fire, World's Most Dangerous Day To Be Flammable

  • 4,327,340 B.C. - Fire is invented. Matches, which had been in use for years beforehand, now finally have a use.
  • 4,327,339 B.C. - The competition to create the biggest bang results in the accidental creation of aerosols.
  • 105 B.C. - The Greeks invent a fire which doesn't go out when in contact with water. They call it "Greek Fire".
  • 103 B.C. - A hasty rebranding of "Greek Fire" goes wrong, and the newly renamed "AlphaFire+" is scrapped. Nobody bothers to write down the formula.
  • 1081 - King Wilhelm IV of North West Prussia dies. The North West Prussia Gazette finally has front page news that doesn't involve the word "sauerkraut".
  • 1611 - Several people are executed for "petty theft" in Hungary, much to the amusement of the Austrians, who framed them.
  • 1612 - Hungary goes to war with Austria.
  • 1613 - Several Austrians are extradited to Hungary, where they are executed for "obstructing the cause of justice". Hungary withdraws from Austria, after 40 million people have died.
  • 1846 - Mr. Georges "Bang-Bang" Firework, of Sparkler Street, Catherine Wheel, New Jersey, finally invents the trampoline.
  • 1859 - Mr. Henry "Boing-Boing" Jumper, of Trampoline Terrace, Bouncy, Ohio, finally invents the firework. Various historians later switch the facts to amuse themselves.
  • 1910 - People realise fireworks are better at night.
  • 1913 - Parties are held throughout London, celebrating the fact that they have just signed a peace treaty with Germany.
  • 1936 - An Austrian physicist discovers the long lost formula for "AlphaFire+". Unfortunately, his lab then burnt down.
  • 1957 - Historians jump with joy as they discover what Edward Crapper invented.
  • 1995 - Several Hungarians nick a firecracker from an Austrian shop, and then proceed to blame some Austrians.
  • 1996 - The Hungarians are burnt at the stake, ironically using their own firecracker.
  • 2002 - The official date of the discovery of fire is discovered by historians. They attribute the discovery to Mr. Alfred "Burn-Burn" Hotstuff.

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Cockfighting.jpg

October 7: International Penis Appreciation Day

  • 1512 - Cockfighting is invented by Goorg, a Turkish peasant in Asia Minor. Confusion reigns as roosters square off against genitalia.
  • 1960 - Kennedy & Nixon debate the Cold War and penis length in the second of four scheduled debates.
  • 1970 - Richard Nixon announces he has a penis and launches a new five-point peace proposal to end the Vietnam War.
  • 2003 - California governor Gray Davis loses his penis and is replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • 2007 - Actor Daniel Radcliffe, concerning a penis-enhancement e-mail, sues "that guy who keeps offering to make my penis larger" for sexual harassment; "that guy", who turns out to be Jesus, claims to have been trying to work on his miracle-performing skills.

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ancient porn

October 8: International Best Inventions Ever Day

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October 9: Weasel Day

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October 10: Not-for-turning Day, International Day of No Underwear

  • 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar. While not wearing any underwear. Pope Gregory announced that turning is immoral.
  • 1807 - Canada defeats The Pirate Nation in the Canadian-Pirate War. Canada turns a new leaf even though they're not supposed to turn...
  • 1815 - Napoleon I of France begins his exile on St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean. He forgets to pack any underwear. When it was his turn to attack, he refused, stating his famous cathphrase, "Turning will give you herpes."
  • 1980 - Margaret Thatcher declares that she is not for turning, despite the best attempts of pro-turning lobbyists.
  • 1995 - Underwear outlawed in Paris. Riots ensue. Jim Morrision turns in his grave.

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Dodo.jpg

October 11: Flightless Bird Awareness Day

  • 1581 - Dodos enjoyed for first time by Portuguese.
  • 1809 - Famed explorer Meriwether Lewis dies of a gunshot wound. Although it is generally believed to be a suicide, others note that suspicious-looking kiwis were seen lurking in the area.
  • 1923 - Scientists prove there are no penguins at the north pole, wonder why.
  • 1989 - McDonald's introduces the Ostrich McNugget.
  • 2011 - First disabled crane revealed in Paris. Apathetic remarks ensue.

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Bible verses.png

October 12: International Day of Using Bible Verses For Any Purpose Whatsoever

  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus placeth the first "John 3:16" sign in the New World.[2]
  • 1941 - Winston Churchill falleth asunder, crying "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me."[3]
  • 1958 - Andy Warhol discovereth that a feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry... but money answereth all things.[4]
  • 1989 - Actor Patrick Stewart goeth for a walk. And as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.[5]
  • 2003 - Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, maketh a law that will cut off the people him that pisseth against a wall.[6]

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October 13: International Paranoia Day

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  • 1792 - Cornerstone laid for the White House. Who lays stones? Masons. What organization did the masons start? Freemasons. Do I need to spell the rest out for you people?
  • 1835 - Nothing of historical significance happened on this day in history... or so the Illuminati would have us believe.
  • 1955 - The. U.S. Government does not begin top secret operations at Area 51 (wink wink).
  • 1974 - TV personality Ed Sullivan passes away due to "natural causes". And just like that, the Jews are one step closer to global domination.
  • 2000 - Preparations for the 9-11 attacks are begun by agents of the United Nations, the Jews, the CIA, and the Vatican.
  • 2017 - Nothing apocalyptic will happen... or will it?

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Punching Carrottop.jpg

October 14: National Hit an Annoying Person in the Head Day

  • 1066 - William the Conqueror punches an opposing soldier in the head at the Battle of Hastings.
  • 1922 - A man is punched in the head after he uses the elevator to ride a single floor instead of taking the stairs opposite the elevators.
  • 1999 - A PC spits a CD out of its CD-ROM drive, hitting Bill Gates in the head. This is the first confirmed instance of artificial intelligence.
  • 2003 - George of the Jungle was captured by a nearby tree, which promptly clubbed him in the head. Apparently the tree was meditating when George's distracting collisions occurred.
  • 2009 - Someone hits an annoying person with a stick 9 times.

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Prego.svg

October 15: Preggo Appreciation Day

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Mime hunting.png

October 16: Opening day of hunting season for mimes (United States)

  • 1804 - The first mime turns up in France
  • 1914 - Mime hunting season initiated to control the number of mimes.
  • 2003 - PETA argues that the mime problem should be solved humanely, by imprisoning them in invisible boxes.
  • 2004 - A disgruntled mime uses a magnum to "remove" any extra mimes in the area, he is promptly arrested. apparently the mime wasn't using a silencer.
  • 2006 - Vice President Dick Cheney shoots a mime in the face on a hunting "accident."

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Yakman.jpg

October 17: Take a Sojourn Day

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Funky Radiation.jpg

October 18: International Funk Day (Portugal), Radiation Day

  • 0023 - God lost control of the universe yet again, causing countless miracles. Luckily, Jesus thought fast and found an explanation for all those fish everywhere.
  • 1000 - Due to linguistical differences in many parts of the world, many people have unfortunately mixed up International Funk Day with International Spunk Day. Kleenex has a field day.
  • 1955 - All Hell Breaks Loose in Wittinghermandershire Upon Broohavensmarshington, England when a portal to the dark underworld is discovered by a chimney sweep mistaking an inconspicuous closet door for that of the men's lavatory in a small, inconspicuous pub. The scene of dark beings invading the earth is compounded by the fact that the chimney sweep failed to realize that the "urinal" into which he chose to relieve himself was, in fact, a dark being. And, although dark beings are, in fact, dark beings, they do have feelings too and do not, contrary to popular belief, appreciate being urinated upon by chimney sweeps.
  • 1960 - Funk music, Jazz's retarded brother is born.
  • 1978 - U.S. President George Clinton puts Portugal under a groove. Portuguese population introduced to blow.
  • 2002 - Jacques Chirac is elected in France, funky disco dancing ensues.
  • 2002 - Parisians realize how gay Disco Dancing is, rioting ensues.
  • 2006 - Kim Jong Il funks the world with Mass Destruction, giving celebration to all of the days' occasions.
  • 2557- 25 different types of cheese are discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Scientists are baffled and manage to retrieve 16 of the different types. A German hypnotist later publishes the findings in a kids weekly coloring book; it becomes an instant best seller.

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Contrary to popular belief, Roger "The Saint" Moore is not the patron saint of saint rogering.

October 19: Feast of Saint Roger (Estonia). Feast of rogering saints (Bulgaria).

  • 24 - Saint Roger invites his chums to his residence, Gobblewood Mansion, and holds a feast.
  • 26 - Saint Roger gets raped by Hillbillies while on holiday in Bulgaria
  • 1161 - The first trout was launched into space by the ruskies, onboard Stenchpotski 12.
  • 1297 - Someone, somewhere, goes to the lavatory.
  • 1349 - Postmen all over England suffer the Sack Death.
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus sings the blues.
  • 1607 - Elizabeth I of England rises from the dead as a zombie- then dies again of a bad cold.
  • 1704 - Nokia renames itself Bobcom.
  • 1734 - Bobcom renames itself Fredphone.
  • 1764 - Fredphone renames itself Kings Cross Talk.
  • 1824 - Kings Cross Talk renames itself Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications.
  • 1854 - Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications renames itself London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft.
  • 1884 - London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft renames itself Retford Phone Company.
  • 1914 - Retford Phone Company renames itself Nokia.
  • 1925 - Nokia Phone Company renames itself Phil the lovable huggable drunkard, but then decides that it projects a negative image on their homeless phone subscribers, so they change back.
  • 1973 - Pfft is created and every word in the dictionary is thusforth removed for the rest of eternity. Except for one word. Pfft.
  • 1983 - 34 Nazis decide to hold a square dance, which result in a whole new line of trousers being released.
  • 1990 - Toasters take over the internets messaging services. Ovens are taken in for questioning.
  • 2004 - Nokia renames itself NO CIA, and starts a nuclear war.
  • 2007 - While visiting Chicago, President George W. Bush is assassinated, following an economic speech at the Chicago Sheraton Hotel, in front of which an anti-war rally was being held. Noted pedophile John Mark Karr is later arrested for the murder, but is himself killed by a distraught Don King before the case can go to trial.

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October 20: Run out of ideas for Uncyclopedia anniversaries day

This sign was erected on October 20th...no, wait, it was the 21st. Never mind.
  • 1735 - A French pot head trips on the remains of Napoleon, nobody gives a damn.
  • 1846 - Engrish troops invade Minnesota, realize they took a wrong turn on the way to France and turn around. Indians scalp and rape several.
  • 1864 - Abraham Lincoln issues the Emancipation Proclamation as a joke; unfortunately, nobody gets it.
  • 1965 - A flying saucer lands in California, Scientology briefly becomes popular, at least until the government fire bombed all the celebrities.
  • 1969 - Oscar Wilde is discovered painting a mosaic of Islamic extremists with his urine. Extremists eat sacred cows in retaliation. Gandhi is shocked and appalled, the movie Gandhi II is released as a result of real world events.
  • 1974 - End of an Oil embargo crisis: Most OPEC nations end a 5-month oil embargo against the United States, America tells them to fuck off; invents electric vehicles.
  • 1980 - The world was taken over by the governmen- er... um... Hey guys.. how are you? What with those guns pointed at my head?
  • 1982 - Mount St. Helens erupts in Washington, killing several million hikers and causing US$390 trillion in damage. Government cover up of the tragedy includes flying monkeys with super-soakers.
  • 1988 - Two U.S. Army roflcopters collide in Fort Campbell, Kentucky, killing 1337 squirrels.
  • 1990 - China begins plans to hack google and steal information on McDonalds cheeseburger prep.
  • 1990 - South Korean scientists recreate mohammed from cloned DNA of Chihuahua. The world fell into darkness.
  • 1998 - Beer first enters my stomach. Thousands rejoice.
  • 2005 - Screw this, I'm off.
  • π - The US Supreme Court declares that π has just as much of a right to be a year as any other year and declares the next 20 years to be the year π as back pay for this injustice over two millennia old.
  • 2006 - Actually, I think we have enough for today, but the rest of the month is going to be a pain, well, it's time to go "research" events.
  • 2012 - The apocalypse at the end of the world is discovered to have been caused by unyclopedia running out of ideas for anniversaries.

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William, the King of Shatner and five-time recipient of the coveted Shatner Award

October 21: William Shatner Appreciation Day

  • 1017 BC - Plato invents a wicked new toy, but squirrels it away for centuries. Not until the New King James translation of his world famous book The Republic is it rediscovered.
  • Nought-686 AD - Conan of Cimmeria becomes Pope, is contracted to star in Conan the Destroyer.
  • 1020 - Some German honkies were enjoyinng a very nice section of the Black Forest until some Romans come sack their village. Today is the day they payed those Degos back with interest.
  • 16-nought-Nine AD - Ninja Turtle Raphael starts beautifying some buildings in Rome. He will one day paint the perfect pizza.
  • 1740 - Worldwide squirrel defenestration conspiracy forms.
  • 18-nought-Five AD - Battle of Trafalgar. French/Spanish/Dutch PWND by Nelson.
  • 1989 - The gateway to Hell opened up for the eleventh time since Britney Spears got out, but it was only to let Mr. Flufferkins go tinkle. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood never recovered.
  • 1992 - Rachael Ray's chicken gains intelligent life
  • 1997 - Frogger crossed the road for the very first time
  • 1998 - The $5 bill was invented
  • 2007 - Buster Keaton is slowly forgotten once again.
  • 2008 - Klingon made the official language of the United States.
  • 2009 - You read this.
  • 2015 - Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown arrive to Hill Valley from the year 1985.
  • 2024 - A fly travels to Nova Scotia to drink some sodas.
  • 1986 - KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

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WHILST MOST COMPUTER USERS CAN EASILY FIND THIS KEY TO TURN IT ONNNNN, WHEN IT COMES TO TURNING IT OFF, EVERYONE BECOMES LOSTTTTTTT

October 22: Int-t-ternational S-s-stuttering Awareness Day and iNTERNATIONAL cAPS lOCK dAY

  • 1889 - AMERICAN TYPEWRITER'S UNION CHANGES NAME TO AMERICAN FEDERATION OF DICTATION TAKERS
  • 1920 NEW YORK TIMES INTRODUCES ITS FAMOUS "NEWS ZIPPER"; WALL STREET JOURNAL CAUGHT WITH ITS PANTS DOWN
  • 1941 - WAR BREAKS OUT BETWEEN ALLIED STANDARD TYPEWRITER KEY BOARD LOVERS AND AXIS OF DVORAK USERS; PUNCTUATION SUFFERERS AROUND THE WORLD CAUGHT IN MIDDLE
  • 1968 - LED ZEP-EP-EP-EPLIN RELEASES ITS CLASSIC ALBUM "LED ZEPPPPLIN IIIII", FEATURING HIS HIT SINGLE "WHOLE LOTTTTA LLLLLOVE"
  • 2005 - W W W W W W W WOR WOR WORLD REC RE REC RECORD STUT ST STUTTER WI W W WIN WINS P P P P P P P P P PRI PRIZE
  • 2006 - CAPS LOCK DAY IS ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL CAPS LOCK GETS STUCK AND EVERYONE IS THOUGHT TO BE YELLING.

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If discovered reading a D&D manual, most players failed their saving throw vs. merciless teasing.

October 23: D&D Empowerment Day, a day to let go of your guilt and shame for having played Dungeons & Dragons as a child (or still), and instead reflect upon how it's changed you for the better.

“It says: With this strength or lower I can only be a Magic User. Re-roll!”
~ Oscar Wilde

  • 33 - Jesus creates D&D, the Romans crucify him for this and buries the game where it is found 1900 years later.
  • 1966 - International Federation of the Friendless is formed by Gary Gygax and other near-do-wells.
  • 1969 - While others are busy engaged in the Summer of Love, Gary Gygax and Friends are busy making their own chainmail armour out of plastic plumbing washers.
  • 1970 - Dave Arneson creates a scenario involving an adventure through a castle sewer, in quest of the legendary change room of maidens in waiting. Later arrested for being a peeping tom. Judge was unmoved by his plea that he was doing important game research.
  • 1971 - Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson team up to create "The Fantasy Game." Monsters are substituted for maidens, and mountains of loose change for changerooms.
  • 1974 - TSR publishes the now-renamed Dungeons & Dragons® game by slapping homemade labels over used cereal boxes. In one year, the entire hand-assembled print run of 1,000 games sells out.
  • 1979 - Ozzy Osbourne is chosen as official spokesman, eventually appearing in a commercial where he bites the head off of a Basilisk.
  • 1984 - You realise with horror that the phrase "Uncursed +1/+1 Dark Dwarven Mithril Battle-Axe of Max SP" no longer sounds completely ridiculous to you.
  • 1985 - Everyone starts referring to bottles of water as "Potions of Thirst Obviation" and dictionaries as "Tomes of Acquired Word Definition."
  • 2003 - The first woman to play D&D is later discovered to be a shemale .
  • 2005 - You catch your wife in bed with another man, but later discover she was just earning 50 experience points with a Helmet of Protection +6.
  • 2584 - First D&D player in history gets laid thanks to the lucky roll of a natural 20.
  • 3000 - Roughly 500 years after the first D&D player got laid his great, great, great, great grandson becomes Supream Dungeon Master of earth.
  • 5000 - the world's first jock plays D&D and becomes D&D master of the universe and all that are contained inside it after beating up Supream Dungeon Master of earth

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Evil villains are instantly recognisable by their top hats and outrageous moustaches.

October 24: Evil Villian Appreciation Day, National Put The Ramones On at Full Volume And Piss Off The Neighbors Day, World Beauty Festival, Stupid Worthless Useless Day, Hooverville Appreciation Day.

  • 1867 - After mass revolt by the Australian and New Zealand governments, Harry becomes Guardian of UCT
  • 1889 - First recorded use of pure hearted maiden, strapped to railroad tracks, to attract a ransom; the deed, while dasterdly, merely attracts Royal Canadian Mounted Police who save the girl and thwart the plan
  • 1931 - Polish schoolboy Joseph Ratzinger is arrested for arson, rape and general troublemaking. The Pope declares this day an International catholic holiday.
  • 1941 - Hitler writes the lyrics of "Blitzkrieg Bop". Later becomes a hit song by The Ramones.
  • 1943 - Morroco becomes capital of evil villians; they are simply fed up to "here" with Hitler's needy personality
  • 1969 - Your second grade teacher, mean old Miss Masters takes away your favorite doll and holds it ransome; demands that you earn an "A" on your spelling test or "Dolly gets it"
  • 1977 - Habitat for Humanity contemplates rebuilding the Big Bad Wolf's house for charity. Instead decides on Euthanasia as a more cost-sensitive option.
  • 1984 - A science teacher from Great Yarmouth sends his class zipwiring down pylon wires, claiming a man who looked a spitting image of Osama Bin Laden told him to do so. It turned out to be the janitor. Incredibly, no-one was even injured and everyone cleared the zipline.
  • 2005 - Dick Cheney gets a dozen roses.
  • 2006 - George Bush holds Ramone concert; all of Canada kept awake until 3am
  • 2007 - Harry Potter 7 comes out -SPOILER: Voldermort idealised as upstanding being, wins Hermione's heart.In desperation Harry becomes gay.

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Sharks can be very dangerous... and apparently they also sometimes play in bands.

October 25: Shark Awareness Day

  • 625 - Pope Boniface V eaten by a blue shark.
  • 1147 - The Portuguese, under Afonso I, and Crusaders from England conquer Lisbon after a four-month siege. They decide to celebrate by going for a swim, and then all get eaten by tiger sharks.
  • 1655 - Shark arrives from the future, is promptly killed by puzzled Welshman.
  • 1936 - The Rome-Berlin Axis is created by Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and a bunch of great white sharks (the sharks wanted to ally with Hitler, because they were great white supremacists).
  • 1946 - The secret vote was held by the British parliament to enact the 1946 Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act
  • 1977 - Renegade child eats dozens of sharks at Miami Beach. Panicked King Tritan declares State of Emergency and suspends Civil Liberties.
  • 1979 - Green Peace activist dies after trying to train the first vegetarian shark.
  • 1988 - The Gardners are cloned
  • 1993 - Vincent Price dies.
  • 1994 - Vincent Price's tomb found empty and a series of bizarre murders occur. Sharks are prime suspects.
  • 1997 - Charge of the White Van Men an infamous fight during the Battle of Balaclava
  • 2006 - All travel to Australia banned; shark eats young child at beach.
  • 2007 - Jim Toomey, writer of the comic strip Sherman's Lagoon, is given honorary Cambodian citizenship.
  • 2008 - (Morning) I could not find my keys. Sharks were to blame.
  • 2008 - (Afternoon) It was discovered that I forgot they were on the table. Sharks were to blame.
  • 2008 - (Evening) The goddamn car wouldn't start. An alliance of sharks and malicious little green men is to blame.

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October 26: International Time Travel Day

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  • 1822 - The Rock discovers the secret to time travel, goes back in time to kill Hitler, only to realize Hitler wasn't born yet.
  • 1921 - Highlander comes forward a billion years and impales Sean Connery on a parking meter, revenge ensues.
  • 1988 - Bill and Ted build a time machine out of a phone booth for access to space porn.
  • 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, avoids being killed by a time-traveling jet engine by sleeping on a golf course/is killed by a time-traveling jet engine.
  • 1994 - First Time Cop trained; turns into serial killer, but accidentally destroys own grandmother, creating a paradox called Doctor Who.

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Contrary to popular belief, the "Peeing Calvin" bumper sticker was not created by Oscar Wilde.

October 27: National "Peeing Calvin" Bumper Sticker Day

  • 1875 - Oscar Wilde decided to avoid his normal routine and go to the barbers before attending his routine denouncement
  • 1956 - The Great One's first toenail grew in. Widely considered to be particularly unspectacular, this event is overlooked by hoards of Bushists who hold wild street parties, which begin with tea and quiet chatting and end in mass orgies. Oh, hee hee, I said a dirty word on the internet! Is that even allowed?
  • 1998 - Mother of Pearl Sunday when several people attempted to create a zombie of Michael Jackson.
  • 6000 - John F. Kennedy pees on Calvin.
  • 2101 - Chuck Norris pees twice on Calvin. Then pees on Hobbes and Bill Watterson. Can you beat that John?

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"Carp de Diem!"

This is October 28th: Carpe Diem (US: Day of the Goldfish), Feast day of Saint Jude (usually celebrated by going "Nah, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah-nah, hey Jude" for fifteen minutes). .

  • 1066 - William the Bad Motherfucker PWNZ the Saxon army. Maybe they should have stopped playing so much damn jazz and maybe picked up a sword, eh?
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus lands in Cuba, stocks up on Cuban cigars, Che Guevera memorabilia.
  • 1955 - Bill Gates is born. Biblical scholars widely regard this as one of the signs of the End Times described by the Bible in Revelations 4:16 ("Yea, and there shall come a great Monopolist, and this Octopus shall cast his tentacles wide, and He shall spread darkness upon the land, in the form of buggy software, security holes, and poor interface design")
  • 1956 - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is born. His childhood is marked by several instances of being dropped on his head and drinking paint thinner.
  • 1793 - Eliphalet Remington, American firearms manufacturer, was born. Americans traditionally celebrate his birthday by turning to the person on their left and shooting them.

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Remember kids: Ignorance is fun!

October 29: National Ignorance Awareness Day /International Rescue Day (Thunderbirds are Go!) / Ramadan ends

  • 1576 - Rolf Harris invents the wobble board and didgeridoo. Chaos ensues
  • 1675 - Leibniz makes the first use of the long s, ∫, for integral. 315 years later I have to take calculus. Thanks, man. Thanks a fucking lot.
  • 1782 - God gets up, has a slice of toast, then decides it's all too much bother and goes to bed again for 500 years.
  • 1929 - The New York Stock Exchange crashes in what will be called the Crash of '29 or Black Tuesday, beginning the Great Depression. I think that was like, when, everyone got really unhappy for a long time.
  • 1969 - The first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet. It is used to send porn.
  • 1972 - President Richard Nixon declares that he is addicted to the word "Declares".
  • 1998 - Space Shuttle Discovery blasts-off with 77-year old John Glenn on board, making him the oldest person to go into space. He bores astronauts by telling them about how in his day, they didn't have astronaut ice cream, and there were no zero-G toilets, they just had to hold it in the entire mission.
  • 2002 - Ozone linked to Al-Quada, President Bush vows to increase carbon dioxide outputs as USA leads the way in the War on Terra.

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Pumpkinhead man.jpg

October 30: Halloweve (Eve of Halloween).

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These people are really getting into the spirit of the season.

October 31: International Dress Like an Idiot Day, International Emo Day, International Annoy Strangers into Giving Away Candy Day

  • 1517 - The Protestant Reformation begins. After spending all week on his robot costume, Martin Luther dresses up and goes to the local church but they won't give him candy. He plays a trick on them spreading his theses all over the church door.
  • 1956 - To force Egypt to reopen the Suez Canal, the United Kingdom and France begin a massive bombardment of Egypt using water balloons and raw eggs.
  • 1961 - Joseph Stalin's corpse is dressed up as Frankenstein and set outside Kruschev's house as part of a scary Halloween diorama. Communist Party members are initially outraged, but come around when Kruschev's house wins the USSR's Halloween house decoration contest.
  • 1969 - Women discover that instead of putting time into making an awesome costume they can just take a normal job uniform and slut it up a bit.
  • 2017 - The end is marked by children coming to your door and asking for treats.

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