Dr. Marshall Wilken Holly, on a routine expedition, met the greatest earthquake ever known. High on the rapids, it struck his tiny house, and plunged him down a thousand feet below, where he found a strange circular artifact that has come to be known as Robert's Calendar. (invented by the magical mistress-MAYA DA SILVA)
Measuring ten yards across and weighing over eighteen tons, this "calendar" is made of volcanic glass and appears to be a single gear of larger mechanism whose purpose remains unknown. The phallic motifs suggest that it may have been an early method of birth control for a giant race that has vanished from the face of the Earth. Others think it is some form of ancient, Internet porn. Trust me, it is.
Deciphering the Mayan calendar
The Mayan calendar bears many strange pictographs, also known as "glyphs" or "glorps," the meaning of which has been lost in time for weeks on end. It was last seen cruising the streets of Pasadena responding to the name, El Gordo.
The calendar itself is well-preserved, and is kept in a lukewarm salt bath at the home of Wink Martendale, talk show host and noted astrologist.
While the exact meaning of the calendar remains shrouded in shrouds, scientists believe that it comes to a sudden end on the tenth anniversay of the Mayan "baktun" cycle because some great transformative event is like to change the nature of reality. Others believe that the calendar is simply a device to measure the time left before the next version of the Windows operating system, Mac OS X Ocelot, will hit CompUSA shelves (since 2012 seems about right).
It is quite trendy to believe that the end of the calander is a Mayan prediction of the end of life as we know it. Of course, if the Mayans were still around, they would have published a new calander by now, and if they could predict the future, they probably would have marked their civilizations fall on the calendar.
Look out honey, cuz I'm using my finger!
In 2001, Stanley Kubrick developed a program to run on a cluster of supercomputers to decode the Mayan glyphs. The results are expected on 25th December 2012. Since the Mayan calendar ends on 23rd December 2012, some have questioned the wisdom of this timescale, but Kubrick can't hear them, because he had his fourth and only ear left eaten by a grue.
Ironically, grue is a medical term meaning 'one-eared person', replacing 'aurocyclops' from 1995.