That time I was nearly raped by a reindeer during my sojourn at the North Pole

He kinda looked like this, but with a fucking red nose.

If I live to be a hundred, I'll never forget how I was almost raped by a reindeer. I mean, dude, that thing was huge. Like, WTF?

What's that? You've never heard the story of how I was almost raped by a reindeer? Well, pull up a fucking ice block and lend an ear.

So there I was

doing scientific research at the fucking North Pole, studying snow and shit with expensive tools, right? Like, real National Geographic shit.

and this fucking reindeer

comes out of nowhere and shines a goddamn red light in my face. I shielded my eyes and saw the light was coming from his nose. It was pretty fucking shiney. I would even say it glowed.

Then the freak starts prancing towards me.

so I pulled out my

knife and tried to stab the motherfucker, but he leapt ten feet in the air. Then he sorta hovered for a few seconds. I shit you not.

But that isn't the weirdest part. Soon as he came down, he tried to hump me! WTF?

Then I hear a deep voice from a distance call out, "Woah-ho Rudolph! That isn't Clarice! Ho ho ho, then go!" and then this gay little midget grabs him by the collar and runs off.

I barely got away with a major sinistral external abrasion and a severed brachialis radial.

No, seriously. I couldn't have been that high.

See also

• That time I was nearly raped by a yak during my sojourn in Canada
• Mr kringle is FAT