User:W.E. Sapphire

Gadzooks!   This user participates in T h e   W i l d e   P r o j e c t ! (Or at least pretends to.)

“It was really irritating when I was about to kill someone and after I gave an evil little 'Scream all you want; none of us are going to take pity on you!' he broke in behind me and said 'Voldy, it's none of us is going to take pity on you. And I do take pity on your grammar.' I mean come on”

~ Lord Voldemort on W.E. Sapphire's Grammar Nazism during Dr. Sapphire's brief stint as a Death Eater

W.E. Sapphire, during his five year stint as concertmaster for the Vienna Philharmonic (note the official concertmaster wig), writing a letter to the Maestro insisting that the orchestra not perform Fidelio. W.E. uses such phrases as "Herr Beethoven has failed fantastically on this front...an opera that may very well have ruined his reputation, had it not been for his redeeming symphonic works...he probably did not wish to partake in it at the beginning; he bended under the will of the public," and then, near the end, "Oh no, please God no!" to show emphesis.

W.E. Sapphire, a brief history of

Warsaw, 150 years after the birth of W.E. Sapphire

W.E. Sapphire was born on February 29, 1854, in Warsaw, and at the age of six deduced that Poland has spent only 52% of its time as Poland, due mainly to the fact that any time an emerging global superpower (or even Eastern-European semipower) came to any sort of recognisable status, Poland was the first to be annexed. An avid Grease Hut, Dr. Sapphire enjoys such pastimes as something, croquet and opera. By the age of nine, he had read 14,000 of the 120,000 books in the Sapphire Library, and had already completed four plays, three of which were published in their original four-act form, the second was a brief skit for a Birthday Party of his cousin Algernon's.

The ballroom in which W.E. Sapphire was strapped to a chair and forced to watch various aristocrats dance for two hours a day during the first five years of his life

For the first five years of his life, W.E. Sapphire spent two hours a day watching various Victorian dances being held in his parent's ballroom; after a bit of time, he concluded that the dances were all wrong and that Mozart would not be proud (the eminent irrelevance was questioned greatly by the dancing guestes) . From the ages of five to ten, he learned how to perform various dances, most notably the waltz which was also deduced (by W.E. Sapphire himself)as a horrible and pointless dance which would horrify such literary masters as John Milton, and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The Octagon Room was Sir Ernest and Lady Sapphire's favorite room in which to receive guests. Dancing in the Octagon Room was strictly forbidden as any unneccesary tred on the uncomprehendably bland berber carpet would reduce the house's value to nothing.

At ten, his family moved into a large house in Grosvenor Square, London. By this time, W.E. spoke English, French, Italian, German, and Polish. His parents were very proud.

He went to college at Oxford where he received a BA, MA, and Ph.D in English Literature after six years of hardcore sex and partying. He then went on to be Knighted by Queen Victoria when he rescued Peter Pan from drowning during his swimming lessons with Sir Arthur Sullivan, a leading swimmer on the British Olympic Team. He was soon invited into the Prime Minister's cabinet as the Secretary of Grammar Nazism, and soon thereafter married Miss Susan Markby, who became Lady Susan Sapphire upon the marriage of their cats. Sir William and Lady Sapphire live in Knightsbridge in Sir William's estate... Whoever wrote that last sentence really needs to learn some grammar! Come on, the rudundence of "in" is unbearable! You could have easily said "Sir William and Lady Sapphire lived in Knightsbridge at Sir William's estate" or even "...lived in Knightsbridge where the Lord's estate resided." Lady Sapphire enjoys such pastimes as knitting and the Woman's Liberal Association, an organization bettering the rights of prostitutes and other lowly women. Sir William enjoys tedious, practical subjects as well as skiing and vegetarian cookery (despite William's constant dismissal of all vegetarians as freaks and disgraces). Both have held the title of Renowned Croquet Champion of the uncyclopedian league (in the respective male and female divisions) for the past 32 years.

W.E. Sapphire, some miscellaneous alter-egos of

W.E. Sapphire, alter-egoing between Lady Bracknell and Lorenzo da Ponte

• Lorenzo da Ponte
• Dante
• Socrates
• Imhotep
• Pope John Paul II
• Lady Bracknell
• Buzzfuzz (the pet bee W.S. Gilbert kept for nearly a year and trained to sleep in a little box)
• President Madison
• Charles Montgomery Burns
• His Most Distinguished and Honerable Duke of Kent
• Her Holiness, some french chick
• Gioacchino Rossini
• Christopher Marlowe
• Steve Jobs
• Stephen Colbert
• Aristophanes
• Artemis Fowl
• J.K. Rowling

W.E. Sapphire, some Random Trivia relating to

Here you will find out everything from why Dr. Sapphire hates Debussy to the fact that he greatly prefers the word jam to jelly, and finds latter both repulsive and pointless in contrast to such delightful alternatives as marmalade and conserve.

W.E. Sapphire, the Most Hated Enemies of

• Damn Fundamentalist Christians, they attempted to abduct him and make him live in St. Stephan's.
• Aaron Burr, shot Alexander Hamilton, W.E.'s 4th grade pen-pal.
• Bill Gates, took away Apple®'s business.
• Monica Lewinsky, can't give a blowjob to save her life.
• some french chick, convinced his parents to make him learn french.
• Debussy,

  “It's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean...”

  ~ James Potter on Snape Debussy

• Marquess of Queensberry, was instrumental in the imprisonment of His Holiness, Sir Oscar Wilde (who was posthumously knighted by Queen Elizabeth II, unfortunately, he doesn't know)
• Hitler, killed both his great-grandparents and his pet gerbil, Arnold.
• Michael Haydn, partially responsible for getting his older and greater brother, Franz Joseph Haydn, thrown out of St. Stephan's Cathedral.
• Ernest Hemmingway,

  “has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

  ~ William Faulkner on Ernest Hemmingway

• Thomas "Plain" Paine, his sense is altogether to common and plain. Note to self: don't invite to 20th anniversary ball.
• Flashing Text

W.E. Sapphire, the Warm and Fuzzy Favorites of

• Verb: Filibuster
• Operatic Work: W.A. Mozart, Die Zauberflote (The Magic Flute)
• Play: Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband
• Gilbert and Sullivan Opera: The Mikado
• Operatic Work Next to Die Zauberflote: Tie Between Le Nozze di Figaro, Orlando Paladino, and La Traviata
• Fruit: Blueberry
• Sport: Croquet
• Symphonic Work: Franz Joseph Haydn, Symphony No. 101 "The Clock"
• President of the US: Thomas Jefferson
• Cheese: Gorgonzola
• Infinitive: To Filibuster
• Gender: Female
• Orchestra: London Symphony Orchestra

W.E. Sapphire, the Most Notable Inventions of

• Paper Shredder
• iPod
• Secular Humanism
• La Traviata
• Tissue
• Grapes
• The Sonnet
• Quidditch
• Globes
• English Muffins
• Something
• The Stork
• Sean Christopher Stork
• Sopranos
• The Baton
• The White Rabbit
• A Grand Opera About a Prostitute Dying of Consumption in a Garret, with Mr. Ibson