User:Seijana/Harry Potter (books)

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Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that Voldemort decides to buy a lightsabre to kill Harry, but Harry then kills him by singing a duet with Neville called "I've Got Something in My Pocket for You" may follow. Read on at your own discretion.

Harry Potter, aka overrated piece of crap, dear readers, is a series of seven books (Disputed: some believe the seventh one didn't count. That would require another book to be written) by JK Rowling, primarily about a child named Harry Potter who graduates from wizard school and also happens to have a spirit named "Deus Ex Machina" trapped inside him, which conveniently gives him near-unlimited power whenever he is in trouble.

Harry Potter
The British cover of the first Harry Potter Book.
Kingdom Hogwarts
Phylum Wizard
Class Juvinous
Order Of the Phoenix. (duh!)
Family Lindsay Lohan, None
Genus Harrius
Species Potterus
Power Plant Hollywood
HP: 1/2
Mana Points: 82
Strength: Eleventeen
Intelligence: Wizard - Level 8 (and a half)
Luck 307
Weight 7 kilos
Main Goal To suffer.
Special Attack Gay Fuel Spell.

Characters[edit | edit source]

Harry Potter is the protagonist, and the son of two German rice huskers named Morecambe and Wise as well as the youngest of the three brothers, Tom and Dick Potter. However Tom Potter turned to the dark side, and became Lord Voldemort, where he murdered his parents and Dick, and has gone after to kill Harry Potter. . He is even known for his nerdy glasses, massive character shield, and the peeled AC DC tattoo on his forehead. He enrolls in the Hogwarts School of Craftsmanship and Pottery to become a potter, only to end up transferred to their wizardry branch when all of his pitchers come out pouring up. , James Potter: Harry Potter's mother's husband's son's father's cousins daughter twice removed. A popular playboy and mobster (therefore Jerk), he is believed to have been killed along with Harry's mother, but actually left the story for a totally different story about surgeons during the Korean War.

Sir Ronald of Weasley is Harry's friend, best known by his peers as living proof that God doesn't exist. Beginning in Book 2, people call him Harry's lackey and it turns out that almost everybody thinks that is his actual name (Harry only calls him "you"). His family forgot his real name in book 4. Ronald starts his quest to tell his name to someone else, but every time he tries to say his name, something generally absurd happens and cuts the event short. People may call him 'king', but most people believe he was born in a bin.

Hermione Granger is Harry's super-hot friend. She possesses the "plot device", a mystical artifact famed for its ability to counter the feared Wryter's Blok. As well as being the plot device, she is also a mudblood. Usually mudbloods are not allowed into the wizarding world but Dumbledore made an exception because he pittied her epic failureness. [Which may not have been a word but is now]

Professor Dumbledore is the Headmaster of Hogwarts who came out as gay. He took the position after retiring from his previous position, guide of a hobbit guerrilla army obsessed with finger jewelry. Snape kills him in book six, but who doesn't know that by now? Yeesh.

Fawkes is Professor Dumbledore's phoenix. He is put to sleep by animal control after an outbreak of Swine Flu.

Mrs. Weasley is a raging, bloated, obnoxious soccer mom who gave birth to Ron, Ginny, Fred, George, Percy, Bill, Charlie, Neville, Seamus, John Travolta, Hannah Montana, George Bush and the Green Bay Packers. Oddly enough, she has never heard of the sport football (or soccer in the states) and neither has her massive brood of Zergling-esque larvae. Despite having spent the entire series cooking dinner and doing woman shit, in a breathtaking display of authorial fiat she kills the most powerful witch in the world with ease.

Severus Snape is Harry's mortal enemy #3 out of 10000 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 12). He is a good character deserving of your pity, unless you've read through book six, in which case he's evil. 2nd cousin of Miss Hardbroom from the Worst Witch novels. He kills Dumbledore in book six, but unless you've lived under a rock, you should know this several times over by now.

He Who Must Not Be Named is Harry's mortal enemy #131 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 28). We must not name him under any circumstances. Otherwise known as 'you know who' or 'that bald git with no nose' or 'Voldemort'- Damn it! Lord Voldy Woldy Mouldy Voldemort wants to kill everyone and has at least 7 pieces of his heart scattered across the globe, rumour has it one piece was found in the Vatican in Pope Benedict's chamber pot. "I hate it when Voldemort uses my shower gel without asking!" - Hermione Granger on Voldemort.

Cedric Diggory ("Cedric the Entertainer") is Harry's mortal enemy #963 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 16). A prominent member of House Fluffywifflepants, his death at the hands of Wormtail is ultimately blamed on FWI (Flying While In-a-silly-named-house), something that Harry considers to be a grave miscarriage of justice. Died and transformed into Edward Cullen.

Draco Malfoy is Harry's mortal enemy #1822 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 22). He doesn't kill Dumbledore because he's a pussy but Snape does. Then he turns good by assisting his previous adversary Ron Weasley punch him in the face (spoiler warning!).

Neville Longbottom is an unremarkable student that nobody likes or cares about. In reality, he had a 50-50 chance of being the main character, but unfortunately Voldemort He Who Must Not Be Named, using the questionable means of Eeny Meeny Miny Mo, decided Harry would give the series better readings, and chose him instead. Although throughout the majority of the books, Neville has no skills whatsoever and is called a noob by most of the other characters, in the seventh book Neville manages to summon a sword from a shabby old hat to strangle a snake.

Luna Lovegood is Harry's snorkack-obsessed friend who is cooler than he will ever be!

Bellatrix Lestrange is Harry's mortal enemy #3228 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 27) whose hobbies include hating mudbloods, torturing mudbloods, killing mudbloods, disemboweling Mudbloods, basket weaving, being completely annoying, and ruining everything.

Ginny Weasley is the girl Harry loves and marries (and hopefully divorces), as opposed to the more obvious guess of Hermione.

Dobby, the son of Sméagol and Jar-Jar Binks, is Harry's stalker. He works for keebler by baking cookies until constant attacks from the Rice Crispies elves took their toll on him. Wounds up dead by means of an unknown accord; while he was evaporating elsewhere, a magically disfunction imbedded a knife into his heart.

Weasley Twins Ron's twin brothers Bob and George. The men of every geek girl's dream.

Hagrid is one of Harry's oafish and unethical teachers, whose disability (gigantism) gives him permission to take a seeing-eye dragon into public places. He leaves the series in book six to play for the Chicago Bulls.

Serious Black is Harry's only parental figure whom became a famous rapper after Bellatrix pushed him into a mysterious curtain that transported him to East L.A.

Jareth the Goblin King Is the latest teacher at Hogwarts, He teaches crystal ball juggling, as well as baby-snatching.

There are elevinty-six million characters in Harry Potter. For more, see the complete list.

Books[edit | edit source]

You'll get whats coming to you, satanic fan-girls!

Even though J.K. Rowling stated she was only going to write 7 books, she cleverly never mentioned that she need to have additional books as fillers. After the end of the series, J.K. Rowling released many bonus books and a compilation book on the main series after realising that she was hopeless at writing anything else and that she was running out of money.

J.K. Rowling has also written two other supporting books under the Pen name of J.R.R Tolkien:

  • Fantastic Books and How to Burn Them - Thought to be written after the author's loathing of other and far better written book's than hers.
  • Windex Through the Ages - A timeline of how Harry Potter's owl Hedwig has used Windex in the past.

The Last Book[edit | edit source]

In the last book, a short epilogue presents this portrait of Harry in his Golden Years.
  • Dobby dies
  • Hedwig dies
  • Mad-Eye Moody dies
  • Fred Weasley dies
  • Wormtail dies
  • Ted Tonks, father of Nymphadora (aka Tonks) dies
  • Remus Lupin dies
  • Tonks, having given birth to a boy a few months earlier (she married Lupin), dies
  • Colin Creevey dies
  • Bellatrix Lestrange dies
  • Crabbe (one of Draco’s sidekicks) dies
  • Snape dies
  • Harry briefly dies
  • Voldemort dies
  • George Weasley loses an ear
  • Ron and Hermione marry and Hermione gets gingervitis from Ron. They have two kids.
  • Harry and Ginny marry and Harry gets gingervitis from Ginny. They have three kids.
  • Draco Malfoy marries and has a son.
  • Bill and Fleur have a daughter.
  • Remus and Tonks’ son has grown up and loves Fleur’s daughter.
  • Happy ever after.

Criticism, Praise and Controversy[edit | edit source]

“Excellent!”

~ Harry Potter on Harry Potter series

The series was attacked by religious groups, not because they disagreed with the mention of magic, but because the books were published with a fine leather binding with gold trim in a manner similar to the Bible, which made them feel insecure. In addition, many liberals were offended by Harry's defeat of Hilary Clinton and his endorsement of private school vouchers for Hogwarts.It is also believed that the writer of this book meant it to be suicide note due to her useless life.

Interpreting Harry Potter[edit | edit source]

Marxist interpretation[edit | edit source]

Accio means of production!

Much discussion has exposed JK Rowling as an obvious Marxist, attempting to pollute the minds of our youth with Communist propaganda. The "pure-blood" Slytherins represent the aristocracy, who believe that "magic" (i.e. capital) should be in the hands of a privileged elite. The "clever" Ravenclaws represent the bourgeoisie, who collude with the aristocracy in the suppression of the petty-bourgeois Hufflepuffs and the proletarian house-elves. The brave Gryffindors (who wear red Quidditch robes) and Dumbledore's Army represent the Red Army, the true army of the proletariat.

Dumbledore, with his voluminous white beard, obviously stands for Karl Marx, while Harry Potter's glasses and untidy black hair make him identical to Leon Trotsky. Harry's lightning-bolt scar is in reference to the fatal head wound inflicted on Trotsky by Ramón Mercader with an ice pick. Harry survives this attack, just as the Totskyist ideal has survived in Rowling's twisted Commie mind.

The above is all true.

Note the Gryffindor house song:

Sung to "The Internationale" Theme

Arise purveyors of the broomsticks,

Arise ye caster of the spells,

For Gryffindor revolt now thunders,

And at last ends Slytherin!

So bring forth a Quiddich battle,

Servile potions arise arise,

We’ll change forth with the old conditions,

And wizarding gains the prize,


Chorus

So wandsmen come now rally,

And the next fight let us face,

Seriesfinale.JPG

The House of Gryffindor unites the wizard race.

So wandsmen come rally,

And the next fight let us face,

The House of Gryffindor unites the wizard race!

Star Wars interpretation[edit | edit source]

  • Harry = Luke Skywalker
  • Ron & Hermineoieoe = Han & Leia
  • Serius = Obiwan
  • Dumbledore = Yoda. Well, a GAY Yoda.
  • Lord Voldemort = Darth Vader
  • Rubeus Hagrid = Chewabacca
  • Snape = Lando

Yes kids, it really is that simple.

The true[edit | edit source]

"The originality of Harry Potter made clear."

Ah, you don't believe! check out the dates of publication dumbass

See also[edit | edit source]

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