Lost (TV series)/Previous recaps

Season One

"Monster Eats The Pilot"

Part 1

Bang! An eye. A forest. A man. A dog walks past. A rising sun symbol. The man stands up, struggling to get to his feet. This man's name is Jacky. Regaining his/her senses, he/she feels something in his/her pocket. A mini iranian alarm clock. Boom! He starts to hear screams from the edge of the jungle. His senses as a doctor kick in. People are in trouble, and they need his help. He runs through the jungle arriving at a horrifying sight. A wrecked plane. People running and screaming everywhere. He wastes no time running out to help as many people as possible. Suddenly, a nearby man yells to him "Hey, Stop!" Unable to hear him he turns around to ask, and is promptly sucked into the engine behind him, exploding.

Fortunately another man named Jack, also a doctor, has just been through the same thing and is already saving people.

That night, the survivors gather around a fire and sing camp songs so maybe the rescue team can hear them. Jack meets Kate and tells her his idea of sewing the plane back together. Kate has a better idea. She was lucky enough to get to visit the captain's quarters during the flight and noticed that the captain was using a walkie-talkie to speak with J.J. Abrams about his new T.V. show idea. If they can find it, they can ask J.J. not to go ahead with the series, thus saving them all. Their planning is disrupted by a loud roar from the jungle, which is followed by a few coughs and a sexually suggestive groan.

Jack and Kate venture out next morning, followed by a random junkie, who constantly asks them if he can borrow money for crack, despite the fact that they keep telling him no and that he should get a real job. Meanwhile, we catch up with the other survivors. A bald man explains to some children the difference between black people and white people using stones whilst a brother and sister make out.

The survivor squad arrive at the captain's quarters discovering that it was filled with pirates, none of which survived. While Charlie takes a leak, Jack and Kate bring the head pirate back to life, only to discover that his walkie-talkie isn't working, J.J. must not have his turned on.

Suddenly, the pirate bursts into flames, meaning the monster is back. The survivors and the monster run through the jungle, going off one side of the screen and appearing off the other, Scooby-Doo style. Finding the pirate's ashes among some trees, the survivor's turn to the monster (off screen) and say "You're a real dickhead, you know that?".

Part 2

Jack finds an America-loving arab named Sayid singing the national anthem, and gives him the walkie-talkie, surely he can fix it, as the instructions are in Arabic. Jack then goes to tend to a survivor wearing an orange jacket and a red shirt with a piece of metal through his head. Meanwhile, Walt gives his dad a pair of hand-cuffs, his dad simply replies "Later". A Korean woman Yells "피자는 양파에 좋지 않다"!

Sayid fixes the walkie-talkie and leads a posse into the jungle to try and find some friends with it. Along the way, a random redneck snaps and shoots a bunch of the native polar bears. Kate steals his gun, as she is concerned about the endangered jungle polar bears.

Upon reaching the summit, they turn the walkie-talkie on, finding that Sayid accidentally forgot to set it back to English after using Arabic, which none of them speak. Fortunately Shannon does, but not very well as she spent her time in the middle east as a P.O.W., not studying. She eventually is able to translate the message to: "Hello, Hello? Test, is this on? I killed my whole team, I mean it, not me, I'm innocent. But if I did do it, it was because they hid my goddamn car keys... again, those bastards." Suddenly Claire shows up, no longer pregnant and wearing a bikini, and asks the question that still puzzles fans today. "Where the bloody hell are we?"

"Credo Quia Absurdum Est"

Jack gives medical attention to a man with a ninja star stuck in his forehead. The man points to a naked poster of Kate, explaining to Jack that she is actually a dangerous ninja. Hurley, who has been staring at the poster since landing on the island, catches wind of this and has a panic attack on the floor.

Elsewhere, action picks up and tension builds, when Locke finds that random dog that Micheal and Walt have, who casually pretends it is his. It is later revealed, through the dog's flashbacks, that he was traveling on the plane with Jin and Sun, as part of their beloved pet.

Kate has flashbacks to her ninja hideout in Australia, when her stalker chased her, forced her into a car accident and then kidnapped her, even sneaking her onto a plane in handcuffs without anyone growing suspicious. During the descent of the plane, Kate's vicious side is revealed when she tries to strangle him with his own oxygen mask and thrusts a ninja star into his chest.

Back on the island, we learn that the man Jack is helping is the identical twin of the man who was sitting next to Kate on the plane and by pure chance, has a ninja star stuck in the exact same place. When Kate enters the tent and begins to remove her clothes, the man starts having extremely loud orgasms, which annoy the rest of the castaways. Eventually, Sawyer enters the tent and fires a rocket launcher at the man to save him from dying of a heart attack, but misses his heart. Therefore, the man survives. Jack concedes that the man's death will now be long and painful, so in order to "put him out of his misery", he takes a needle and punctures each of the man's internal organs one by one, until he eventually dies.

The episode ends with a zoom shot of Locke's head, revealing to the viewers that John Locke is in fact, bald. There had been clues in the two pilot episodes, but up to this point, it was still only a theory. Now it is clarified that Locke does in fact lack hair.

"Roundabout"

In the middle of the night, the dead passengers revive as zombies and start eating each other. Something must be done, because they chew too loud and no one can sleep. Hurley offers to eat them all, and everyone agrees. Unfortunately, some of the zombies escaped, and they must be found. Locke stands up and offers to lead the hunt. He shows his competency by unveiling his hidden ninja equipment of knives, katanas and shurikens and killing a few of the survivors.

In flashbacks it is revealed that Locke lived a very exciting life at a box factory. He got the job by wandering away from his field trip group while at the t.v. studio across the road as a young boy. It is there that he developed an interest for roundabouts, a natural rock formation found only in England and parts of Australia, where they are rarer. He goes to Sydney to see some, but is turned away for not having any legs. We then see the miraculous process of them growing back after the crash.

After capturing the zombies and returning them to camp, Locke goes back into the jungle just for the hell of it, where he runs into the monster. The episode ends with the camera zooming in on Locke's face, where we clearly see him falling in love with the monster. Then they make out.

"Wascally Wabbit"

Jack notices through his telescope that a woman is drowning in the middle of the ocean. He immediately takes the lifeboat and sails off towards her. A few miles offshore, he discovers the body of Bono, right next to the woman screaming for help. He lifts Bono onto the boat and takes it back to the island, where he gives Bono the kiss of life and revives him from the dead. He then takes the boat back out to the drowning woman and "makes a decision" to push her head under the water for a long period of time, rather than saving her. Flashbacks to his past reveal that Jack was never good at making decisions, explaining this incident.

Bono later scolds Jack, insisting that he would have been fine and didn't need help, despite already being dead at the time. During this conversation, Jack sees his father standing in the distance, waiting to tell Jack it's time for bed. Jack rushes over to tell his father he just needs ten more minutes to finish saving fifty people's lives, but fears he will still be sent to bed with no dinner. As Jack approaches, his Dad disappears, revealing that it was in fact magician Paul Daniels disguised as Jack's dad.

Jack runs off after Paul Daniels, but accidentally falls down a cliff. Locke just happens to be at the bottom and catches Jack. Jack explains to Locke that there is no way Paul Daniels could have pulled off that trick, but Locke tells him there is something special about this island. He then confesses his love for the island and says it is the only one for him. He says that others may have feelings for it, but they wouldn't dare admit it, because they know he will be forced to kick their asses. The two men get up to leave, then Locke knocks Jack out and leaves him alone in the middle of the jungle.

Jack wakes up later on next to a campfire. He feels refreshed after his conversation with Locke, safe in the knowledge that everything happens for a reason, so if he falls of a cliff again with nobody to catch him, it will be for a good reason. Jack then finds a swimming pool complex on the island's coast, solving the water crisis. He then notices a coffin and thinks it might be made of mahogany, but after striking it with an ax several times, he discovers that it in fact wasn't.

Back at camp, Claire's baby becomes so fat that it actually pulls her face-first onto the ground, knocking her out. Michael and Charlie come to her aid. Michael decides to help her by taking her shoes off, whilst Charlie gives her the kiss of life twenty-eight times, just in case it didn't work the first time. The two of them discover that all the water has been taken and the castaways later discover that Bono took it all, in order to make waterbombs.

The survivors hang Bono by a noose and just as they are about to seal his fate, Jack arrives back and tells them that Bono has already died once today, so they should give him a break. He tells the survivors about the swimming pool complex and suggests that Shannon and Kate should probably be first to test it, whilst he observes.

Meanwhile, flashbacks show a time when Jack wasn't a completely over-dramatic attempted heroic twat....only joking....he's always been a completely over-dramatic attempted heroic twat.

"House of the Rising Bun"

Previously on LOST...Michael eats that dog instead of the fish that Jin prepared for the survivors.

This episode begins with Jin taking Michael to the ground and forcing him to eat the fish, straight from the tide. The campers gather round, eating popcorn and taking bets on who will win, before eventually deciding that enough is enough and breaking up the fight. The judges' scorecards indicate that Jin won the fight, so the castaways decide to even things out for round two by handcuffing Jin to the plane. Michael claims that in America, Korean people don't like annoying fathers who constantly lose track of their sons and shout their name repeatedly.

Sun has flashbacks to her former life with Jin, who is now revealed to have dual-personality syndrome. In order to marry Sun, Jin agrees to work as her father's PA for the next thirty years, thinking that it's OK because it's only temporary. He later buys her a puppy, which she says looks cute and names it Jin jr, but their relationship turns when Jin jr starts coming home covered in blood, carrying limbs and dissolving bodies in acid. Sun and her friend hatch a plan, where of getting on flight 815 with Jin and Jin jr, she performs an armed robbery on the airport and makes an escape in her friend's getaway car. However, she backs out at the last minute when she remembers what great love-making sessions she had with Jin.

Back on the island, Sun reveals to Michael that she is fluent in English, French, Italian, German,Russian, Spanish, Dutch, Swedish, Chinese, Punjabi. The two discuss the weather and the stock market. Micheal then reveals that he stole Jin jr (the dog) and named him Vincent and ate him. Michael decides to taking an ax and trying to cut off Jin's arm,but fails and has his own arm cut. The judges give this round to Jin.

Elsewhere, Charlie stands on a magical beehive that cracks when no pressure is applied to it. Jack goes to get something to replace Charlie's weight but Charlie decides it would be funny to move right at the last second, so the beehive breaks and Jack, Kate, Locke and Charlie are all attacked by bees. Several hours later, after the exterminator crew has left, Kate finds two people sleeping, dead, and as skeletons, in the caves (IT'S THE CORPSES OF PETER AND LOIS GRIFFIN! SPOILER ALERT!!) Jack says they have been sleeping for at least 2 days and as a result, decides that the caves must be a very comfortable place to live. He suggests moving there but Kate is concerned about the mortgage and also doesn't know whether she wants to get laid by Jack or Sawyer yet.

Jack and Kate act as respective captains and each pick twenty two castaways to come and live with them. The group who move to the caves focus on interior design, giving the caves a modern-esque style. Jin and Sun suggest taking feng shui into consideration when doing so. Back on the beach, the viewers gasp as Michael's birthday is finally about to be revealed, but this turns out to be a tease from the writers and the viewers are forced to hang on even longer to find out. Johnny Cash emerges from the jungle and plays a tune to accompany the survivors' lives. Oh, and Hurley gained another hundred pounds even though there is not supposed to be any sufficient source of food on the island.

"The Butterfly"

The episode opens with Charlie playing the full version of Freebird on his guitar. The wild animals become angry at the awfully long guitar solo and a boar chases Charlie out of the caves to stop him from playing an encore. Locke catches this vile creature, then catches the boar. His intention was for the boar to eat Charlie and become fatter, but this way works just as well for him. Charlie demands his stash of heroin back, because he wants to get high RIGHT NOW. Locke says he isn't done with it yet. He says he will give it back to Charlie once Charlie has asked for it 672 times and performed a judo throw on Locke, then physically taken it from Locke's pocket.

Elsewhere, Sayid hatches a plan to find the French woman, planning to go into the jungle and blow himself up in the hope that she will notice the explosion and show herself. However, before he is able to do this, the wind blows a stick into the back of his head, knocking him out and ruining the plan.

Back at the caves, an earthquake causes Jack to be trapped under a pile of rocks. Everyone nominates Charlie to go in after him, in the hope that a similar thing will happen to Charlie and they won't have to listen to him play the guitar anymore. Charlie agrees to do it, but says he needs to trip out quickly first. He runs off to find Locke and asks for this drugs again. Locke shows Charlie a butterfly and points out that it is in the same situation as Charlie. The butterfly is then seen getting high on the heroin and having flashbacks to extremely boring times in its cocoon. Charlie now understands. Locke decides to torture Charlie by getting stoned right in front of him and not giving him any. In anger, Charlie decides to return to the caves and show he isn't worthless by crawling through a small tunnel.

The survivors wait anxiously in the caves, until Charlie returns, wearing a cape and a Batman mask, to take up the challenge. He slides down the water chute that the survivors have dug into the caves and lands with a splash at the bottom, to find Jack. Jack tells Charlie that he needs him to perform an emergency heart bypass operation. Charlie says he can't do it, but Jack tells him he can, because he's Batman. Charlie completes the operation, saving Jack's life, but then Jack tells him that was a waste of time because they're about to die anyway. Charlie notices an elephant in the cave with them, that leads them to the way out.

Michael states that he runs a construction business and he knows how to help. The survivors drive bulldozers into the side of the cave, trying to clear a path. Kate arrives back at the caves after hearing what has happened and asks why nobody is using a crane. The process of clearing a path continues, during which fifteen survivors die of exhaustion, but it doesn't matter because Charlie and Jack left through the emergency exit anyway. The two of them arrive back in the Batmobile. Kate is so pleased to see Jack that she humps him, right in front of everyone.

Later on, Charlie goes to Locke and asks for his stash back, yet again. Locke says he can stop asking now because it's all gone - he already sold it all to the people living on the beach. Charlie is angry that Locke was acting as a dealer with HIS stash the whole time, but Locke explains that the castaways on the beach weren't getting their fix like the people in the caves, so something had to be done. Charlie says he isn't too bothered now anyway, because he still has a ton of crack in his suitcase. Locke says he is proud of Charlie.

The episode ends with a seventeen minute scene of Locke masturbating into a conch.

"Incompetant Man"

Shannon has a sudden burst of diarrhea and when Bono goes to find her diapers in Sawyer's stash, Sawyer cons him into cutting himself open. Kate goes to see what kind of person Sawyer is. He gives her a letter, in which he had kindly filled in the details of what happened after his mother's boyfriend had to leave. He offers to give up the diapers in return for a long-term relationship in which Kate covers all the expenses on each date, but Kate refuses.

Jack shows Shannon a technique of clenching her buttocks together to prevent any flow, but she can only hold out for so long. Sun tells Michael she knows a particular type of plant that makes great toilet paper. Jin walks up to spoil the moment once again, just as the two are about to make out.

Jack and Sayid use Kate's bondage kit to tie Sawyer to a tree. As the first method of torture, Jack has a flashback right in front of Sawyer. Sawyer struggles through the boredom and still refuses to give up the diapers. Sayid threatens to cut Sawyer's hair to look like it did in the first episode, to which Sawyer finally concedes and says he will tell them where the diapers are, but only in a ten-man line of Chinese whispers. The survivors set this up and Sawyer passes down the message that he doesn't have them - he was just kidding before. However, by the time it reaches the end, the message is "I will give them to you if Kate comes and makes kinky love to me right now".

Disgusted at this proposition, Sayid declares Jihad on Sawyer and stabs him repeatedly with a samurai sword. As Sawyer lies in two pieces on the floor, Jack tries to put him back together. Sawyer thanks Jack by assuring him that if the tables were turned, then the plot probably wouldn't make any sense, so it's a good thing it's happening the way it is.

As Shannon wipes her ass on Sun's plant, she realizes it has very sharp thorns and starts to yell loudly. Sun tells Michael that Shannon has just been PWN'D. Jin hears this, but comes to the conclusion that she definitely isn't speaking English.

Kate goes to Sawyer and says she's figured out that he didn't actually write the letter; he was the mailman that delivered it, thus proving that he is a dickhead after all. Sawyer tells her that, yes, he was the mailman and never made much money out of it. For this reason, he could only ever afford cheap briefcases, that kept falling open and causing him to lose his savings. Luckily, some women would feel sorry for him and just give him money occasionally. Then, when he crashed on this island, he decided to become the man he hated and act like an asshole, for no apparent reason.

"Solitaire"

After being voted off in the previous episode, Sayid is heading to the studio for his post-show interview. On the way, he trips over an electricity pylon. He thinks that by following the trail of pylons, he may be lead into a trap by the French Woman, so he will then be able to interrogate her and find out if she was laying a trap for him. Backed by this great logic, Sayid heads off , following the pylons and passing signs that read "French Woman, ... Miles", until he reaches a laser sensor. After carefully stepping over it, he decides to see if he can quickly put his leg through it without triggering it, but this sets the alarm off and Sayid is arrested by the FBI.

He awakens in a small hut, tied up. The French Woman comes over and tries to electrocute him, but it turns out that Iraqis do not conduct electricity, so the plan fails. She reveals her name is Danielle Rousseau and cuts a deal with Sayid, saying that if he fixes her boombox for her, she will untie his arms. Sayid says she must meet his end of the bargain first, so she unties his arms, gives him a blowjob, and using the toolbox he happened to be carrying with him on the way, he fixes the boombox. As Rousseau starts banging out some Charles Aznavour, Sayid starts going on about some woman called Nadia. This bores her so much that she wants to put him to sleep, but she's out of tranquilizer, so she counters it with a bedtime story about monsters, nasty people and a black rock. Unfortunately, Sayid falls asleep before the end.

Jack and Sawyer finally have tense camp sex.

Just then, Rousseau hears something and runs upstairs with a pair of Uzis. Sayid applies his escapology skills and loosens the ties, then picks up a rifle and heads after her. He catches up with her and points the gun on her, then realizes he accidentally picked up a garlic loaf instead of a gun. He makes an offer to her to go back with him to the rest of his people, but Rousseau says she doesn't like Arabs. Sayid tells her he was referring to his fellow survivors, offering her a five star tent plus bed and breakfast included free of charge. Rousseau declines the offer, because she's an emo.

Elsewhere, Hurley builds an ice hockey rink, to give everyone else something to do in this episode. The survivors enjoy great games of ice hockey, then all go for a slap-up meal afterwards and have a jolly good laugh about the crap Sayid is probably having to endure while they're all sitting there having a great time. After a few drinks, they all partake in a shouting competition, until their voices become so hoarse that they are whispering loudly. Sayid picks up these whispers and comes to the conclusion that Rousseau's bedtime story was based on true events.

"Raised by an Udder"

We begin with Claire who is dreaming about her baby. In the dream, she has found a crib in which her baby might be in. Walking nervously, she walks up to the crib and rolls up the blanket to find blood. Meanwhile, someone from behind her grabs her and begins to stab her in the stomach. She wakes up only to find blood on her hands and stomach. She then runs abruptly to the survivors and tells them about the dream. Hurley then decides at the last moment to take down everyone on the island. So as to ignore her.

A flashback reveals that Claire took a pregnancy test with a random stranger and found out she was pregnant. After he discovered that he was the father, he then reassured Claire that everything will be fine. Claire then visits a psychic who magically "knows" that she's pregnant, using a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Her boyfriend begins to get upset and refuses to tell Claire what he "saw", when he sees Claire, he begins to run away from the apartment yelling "FREEDOM!"

Hurley then tried to persuade Ethan Rom into giving out his information but knowing the obvious anagram in his name, persuades Hurley by giving him a chocolate bar which he eats instantly. Jack tried to persuade Claire into proving that she is insane and should just stop whatever she is doing, and offers her some mysterious pill. Claire then leaves to who knows where

In another flashback, Claire returns to the same evil psychic that knew she was pregnant and surprisingly asks him for another reading. In a weird twist he knows that her boyfriend escaped her clutches and he suddenly warns her that something bad is about to happen. He then suggests that she parent the baby herself and insanely suggests that if anyone tried to take care of it, it'll be in danger. The psychic then tries further methods of convincing Claire to take care of the baby herself. She repeatedly tells him "I'm putting this baby up for adoption, Bitch"

In a surprising twist, Hurley discovers that Sawyer somehow has a list of the people on the plane and he thinks that it could help him do his job faster and return to his job of eating food. Sawyer, knowing that Hurley is trustworthy, immediately gives him the list. While Charlie is trying to help Claire move somewhere else, she feels what's assumed to be her water breaking. In an odd time, Charlie says that only he and he alone can deliver the magic baby, but after somehow confessing that he is on lots of drugs. Claire tries to push Charlie away, leaving her alone in the jungle.

In the third flashback of this episode. Claire begins to sign some sort of document that would allow the baby to belong to some married couple. However in this mysterious world, common ink is rare. After refusing the option to sign in her own blood, she visits the psychic yet again. He offers her a plane ticket to some place called Los Angeles and $6,000 in cash. She refuses saying that she cannot trust a creep like him. He then calls a chinese man to grab her and knock her out. Claire was then thrown into a box and taken to what was presumed to be the island.

Charlie then finds Ethan and tells him that Claire's giving birth and to also get Jack to see. Charlie goes back to Claire and tells her a story about the psychic and how he knew that the plane would crash on the island, and that this was a way to get her all alone with a child. Claire begins to feel better and stands up, knowing in her feeble mind that the plane crash was "coincidently" fate. Jack, disappointed that he didn't get to see the birthing process happen, returns to camp. Meanwhile back at camp, Sayid appears out of thin air with a speech about Rousseau and other people on the island, just as Hurley was about to announce that one survivor isn't on the list. Claire begins to feel better about herself while Ethan looks at her with an ominous look.

"All the Best Cowboys Have Dirty Tissues"

At the caves, Hurley continues trying to exercise. One survivor, Ethan, is not listed in the "Yearly World Census For 2004". Jack asks where Ethan is and Michael says that he went to the jungle to bum the monster. Jack then asks where Charlie is and Locke replies that he went after a polar bear on roller skates. As Jack and Locke run through the jungle in search of Charlie, they find three unclear sets of bread crumbs, and realize that Charlie and Claire have been abducted by aliens. Locke suggests that they should go back and return with a molestation party, but Jack decides to start off alone.

A flashback shows Jack injecting air into an injured woman. Despite his attempts, the woman's heartbeat shows as a flatline; Jack begins masturbating on her naked body to try and save her, even though it is clearly hopeless. His father, Dr. Evil was supposed to do the operation.

Back on the island, Jack, Kate, Locke, Bono and a leprechaun set off to find their companions. Following the bread trail, the group eventually finds one of Charlie's knuckles. Jack and Kate go off to find Claire while Locke and Bono continue on the unoriginal bread trail.

A flashback shows Dr. Evil requesting that Jack sign a form which will state that the woman's death was an accident. Jack knows that Dr. Evil was drinking bleech before he operated on the woman. Dr. Evil also says that if the hospital finds out, it will end his career, and his "myspace account". Jack signs the form.

During a snow storm, Jack and Kate get scared. Jack stumbles over a log after hearing Claire screaming. Ethan confronts him. The two men have sex, but the mysterious outsider gets the upper hand, he licks Jack and says that if he continues to stalk him, he will molest one of the hostages.

At a board meeting, Dr. Evil delivers his fruity statement while Jack looks on. The board reveals that the screwed over woman was possesed, which Dr. Evil admits to knowing. Jack stands up and confesses that his father was under the influence of bleech during the operation. This ends Dr. Evil's career as a doctor for three minutes.

Kate soon comes to Jack's aid, and the pair follow Ethan's path until they come across a hobbit, blindfolded and hanging by his ear from a tree branch. They cut him down, and Jack furiously performs masturbation over Charlie's body. Despite Kate's pleas that it's a weird way to help someone, Jack does not stop. Charlie eventually comes back to life.

At nightfall, with Jack, Kate, and Charlie back at the caves, Charlie reveals that it was Claire that Ethan had wanted all along. Bono and Locke are somewhere in the jungle having sex, when they discover a piece of tin foil embedded in the ground. The tin foil appears to be hollow, and they begin removing mud to find out what it is.

"Whatever the STD"

While Kate and Sawyer have sex in a river, they find a locked case. Kate wants it but Sawyer won't let her have it. She whines and screams like a little girl, causing Sawyer to run away. At the beach, the tide is rising and will soon cause a tsunami. Shannon asks Bono what he and Locke do every day, and Bono replies that they have sex. Shannon says there are more important things to do, such as getting food. Bono goes emo and slits his wrists because his sister doesn't like him.

Sayid asks Shannon to help him translate Rousseau's sex magazine.

Sawyer tries to pick the lock on the case with a fork, but Michael tells him the only way to open it is with a spork.

In a flashback, three masked men with guns attempt to rob a toy store. A fat guy called Jabba tries to disarm them but pops when one of the robbers shoots him. One of the thieves pulls Kate into a back room and begins to play scrabble with her, before hitting her.

Kate goes to Jack and says the suitcase contains toilet paper and it belonged to the president of Zimbabwe. Sayid gets angry with Shannon because her fingernails do not make any sense. Jack gives Sawyer an ultimatum: If he does not hand over the case, Jack will stop having sex with him. Fearing no sex would give him AIDS, Sawyer hands over the case.

At the caves, Jack and Kate open the case. There is toilet paper inside, and a banana, which Jack gives to Kate. She peels it and pulls out a sex toy. When pressured, Kate says it belonged to the man she loved and killed.

Rose tells Charlie that she believes her husband is a professional vampire slayer. Shannon recognizes Rousseau's sex magazine as "Jungle Bungle" (The most popular porn magazine on the island).

"Hard-out Mindfuck"

Bono sees that Shannon's relationship with Sayid is getting more personal. He tries to tell Sayid that he would be better off staying away from Shannon. Sayid agrees and begins to flirt with Bono instead. Hurley attempts to murder Locke for not bringing back any boar from their trips into the jungle. Kate shows Jack a drug den that Sun has started. At the hatch, Locke makes tooth paste and tells Bono it is aquafresh. Locke suggests that masturbating over the hatch will help them find the answer to opening it.

Bono tells Locke that he is tired of lying, and wants to tell Shannon about his secret love for Sayid. Locke knocks him unconscious with a bar of soap. Bono awakens to find himself tied up in an erotic position. Locke puts the aquafresh tooth paste onto Bono's head and leaves him there. Eventually, Bono is motivated to stand up by the sound of a clucking chicken and Shannon screaming.

Kate discovers that Sun speaks Mexican when the two are working in the drug den, and Sun asks her not to tell anyone. Locke finds Sayid trying to make sense of Rousseau's sex magazines, and gives him a compass to help. Bono rescues his sister and runs away with her from the approaching chicken.

In a flashback, Bono gets a circumsition to impress Shannon, but fails miserably. Eventually Bono rapes her because he loves her.

Bono and Shannon are attacked once more, and they get split up. He later finds her slightly scratched body by a creek and watches her die. That night Bono returns to the camp and tries to kill Locke. Locke reveals that the tooth paste caused Bono to have a vision and also should have given him a homosexual fantasy. Bono gets happy first, then a vision of Locke naked doing something inappropriate with his knife flashes before his eyes.

"Walt Is A 'Special' Boy"

Locke starts to teach Walt how to be a serial killer with a knife, which angers Michael. He confronts Locke, threatening to "bust a cap" in his ass if he goes near his son again. Eventually, Walt tells his dad that he is going to get some water and runs away with his girlfriend Vincent on a motorbike. Michael accuses Locke of this, and shoots him point blank in the ass, almost crippling him. Michael realizes Walt isn't with Locke, and they both begin to look for him. They eventually find him in some bamboo grass, shitting himself because of a crazy colony of ants which is attacking him. Michael risks his life, jumping into the pile of ants heroically, suffering their mild stings so Walt can escape.

Flashbacks also reveal that Walt once spent time in a mental hospital, after claiming the moon talked to him so he killed it with his mind.

Whilst this happened Charlie sneakily read Claire's diary, which claimed he was an annoying hobbit who kept following her around. The episode ends on a huge cliffhanger, when Bono pees in a bush and it shouts at him. He peaks into the bush to see Claire with urine drenching over her head, smiling.

"ETHAN!!!!!"

Locke brings Claire back to camp, where she comes to her senses. She does not remember any of her fellow survivors or the crash or Charlie molesting her or any other events that occurred after high school. Charlie follows her around, telling her that the two of them used to play mommies and daddies before she was kidnapped. He gives her back her diary, telling her to ignore the white stains. Claire asks Charlie to go to the prom with her.

Jack is irritated by Claire's memory loss and suggests getting Sayid to interrogate her. Charlie is outraged at this suggestion and says that the best thing to do right now is to keep perving over her for a while. He follows Jin off into the jungle to ask for heroin, until Jin is shot and killed. Ethan emerges from the jungle and lifts Charlie with one finger. He tells Charlie to email him naked pictures of Claire, or he'll kill one of the survivors each day. Charlie figures that he will have to do something about this in the next thirty days, or main characters will start dying.

Locke hatches a fantastic plan, where the survivors guard the perimeter from Ethan. He designs a system where as soon as Ethan kills Bono, an alarm is triggered, so the rest of the camp can bundle Ethan and wedgie him. However, Ethan outsmarts them when he arrives at the beach by ferry and kills someone. Despite having never seen the victim before, Locke and the other survivors decide to bury him and make up a funny anecdote about his life.

Claire suddenly regains her memory and remembers that nobody likes her, because she has an annoying voice and never stops whining. For this reason, she chooses to take off her clothes and head back to Ethan, just the way he wanted. Jack, Locke, Sayid and Sawyer decide to follow her so they can get a really good look, then possibly kill Ethan if they get the chance too. Charlie wants to come, but the others decide against it, because he's still a knob.

They then see Ethan and happy slap him until Claire arrives. Claire is very upset because she didn't film it and Charlie won't Bluetooth her the file, so she tells him to back the hell off. Luckily, Charlie bitch slaps Ethan with a gun and he dies, although he'll keep appearing over and over again, pretending he's important to the story.

Later on, Jacks says that Ethan had already been twated and there was no need for Charlie to lash out like that. Charlie says he just got a bit excited, because the hobbits never got to use guns in Lord of the Rings. Claire tells Charlie that for some odd reason, she remembers peanut butter. Charlie says that's because the two of them got naked in a bath of peanut butter. Claire also recalls heroin, which Charlie denies all knowledge of.

"Inlaws"

Sawyer is in the middle of a nightmare where as a child, he was told by his mother to hide from a stranger. In the dream, his father pulls out a gun saying "I'll be back" and proceeds to shoot everything he sees including Sawyer's mother. He then proceeds to a surprise, the same bed that Sawyer is hiding under. While wondering what is at the bottom of those barrels, his finger slipped. Therefore shooting the gun and therefore technically killing himself. Sawyer wakes up to find the monster from The Lord of The Flies attacking his tent and running away with the trees. Taking something of little importance with it. Sawyer chases after the monster and loses him about halfway through. The Lord of The Flies suddenly appears in front of him and says, "It'll come back to you... Eventually."

A little bit later, Sawyer talks to Sayid about the person he saw in the forest some time before, and Sayid is concerned on why he should be listening to this. Sawyer begins to forget. In a flashback, Sawyer's "Associate" tells him that some guy named "Sawyer" ruined his life as a child. He also tells him that he is now living in Australia under the name Siloa Viabous. Sawyer travels there with a gun and visits the Seafood restaurant where Siloa works. After a lengthy conversation, he has not been killed. Therefore wasting an enormous amount of money.

Back on the island, Sawyer suddenly becomes interested in finding out where the infamous monster lives so he can eat it for food. He recruits Kate to find it with him and the both then go off into the jungle to find it. While getting stoned half-way, Kate reveals to Sawyer that she has in fact actually killed something in her life, unlike a certain someone. When they both wake up, Sawyer finds that all his belongings have been ruined while Kate's are fine and untouched, Sawyer blames Kate for hiring the monster to ruin his stuff. Suddenly, Locke joins in the adventure for food and tells them that her sister died a long, long, long, time ago and something about the depression era. Then Locke talks about a dog that came into the house and slept on the sisters bed, Locke alluded to the fact that the dog is a possible reincarnation of her sister to apologize. Kate, Sawyer and the people watching the show dismiss this as illogical.

In a flashback. Sawyer, with an undeserved sense of accomplishment, goes to some Australian bar where by some chance he meets Jack's father. He then tells Sawyer that everybody dies sometime and why the Mets won't win, he then goes on and on about his son and how he is proud of him. Sawyer, no longer able to take any of Jack's father's praise of his son, He goes to kill Siloa and under one final breath, he says "I'm not the real Sawyer". Sawyer, believing it to be a lie, shoots him in the head. Then the Lord of The Flies appears telling Sawyer that this will haunt him for the rest of his life and telling him that "It'll come back to you... Eventually." The same phrase he hears 16 days later.

Sawyer then finds the boar but decided not to eat it. Locke in a last minute move decides to kill the boar and keep all to himself, taking the boar and heading back to wherever he lives around here. Sawyer gives the gun to Jack, losing every ounce of cool he's ever had. Jack, having all the firearms, locks it in a cage where something will eventually happen. Sawyer then tells Jack that "The Mets will never win a season, never. They suck donkey balls." Sawyer does not tell Jack that he met his father, willing that he forget the incident ever happened.

"Huh?"

In what seems to be another mostly flashback episode, we see Jin visiting Sun's father to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. This immediately turns into an appearance on Paik's Talk Show which degrades into a boring interview. During the monotonous 6 minutes, we learn that he loves restaurants, his father is deceased and that he would do anything for Sun. This boring, boring interview leads viewers of the show to tune to something else, leading Paik's Talk Show to fade into obscurity.

Back on the island, Sun seems to be wearing an extremely revealing bikini. Before she can take it off however, network executives send in Jin to push Sun into the sand in a cheap attempt to avoid FCC fines, they instantly get into an argument and Jin suddenly drags her to somewhere? Sun then falls into the sand yet again and Michael rushes to her aid to help her. Sun, blind from the sand in her eye, slaps Michael thinking that it was Jin. He stands there amazed as they are suddenly 2 feet away from each other. They both walk away from each other. Jin asks Michael if there is a Love Triangle going on, to which he unfortunately says no.

In another flashback of little importance, Jin and Sun talk about a honeymoon.... Oh and they take management training. This likely contributes to the lack of content in this episode and the usage of flashbacks as filler.

Sun apologizes to Michael for slapping him, Sun said it was to protect Michael, Sun also got a gift for Michael and said the word Michael 5 times.

Some flirting between Shannon and Sayid is shown while Michael is working on the end of the series, Jack comes over and converses with Michael when suddenly network executives come out of nowhere. They approach Michael and tell him that only 4 people can go on the raft, therefore ending the theory of the raft ending the series, Jack then tries to bribe the executives into allowing more then 4 spots when suddenly Sawyer buys a spot with the building materials he bought. Distracted, the network executives disappear into thin air. At night the raft appears to be on fire, all signs seemingly point to Jin and is further reinforced when Jin appears to be on fire. Sun then walks away, swearing never to speak to him again. While the Losties watch Sun walk away, the raft collapses, therefore delaying the end of the series.

In the next few scenes we see that Jin gets a promotion in a flashback. Mr. Paik is angry with Mr. Han and sends Jin out to remind him. Mr. Han gives Jin a puppy, Sayid sets up a date between Shannon and Bono and Sawyer brings Jin out on the beach in the morning.

Instantaneously, another flashback reveals that Sun prepared a dinner for Jin. While he was heading to the dinner, he is conveniently interrupted by a call from Mr. Paik, he is then reminded that the factories have been shut down and that the message needs to be sent. Jin along with an unknown companion goes to Mr. Han. The companion reveals himself to be an assassin and before he could kill him, Jin uses his kung-fu to beat him up and by saying that the factories need to open and that he just saved his life, saves his job. This is immediately followed by Jin being slapped by Sun and Jin crying about what he had to do, followed by a comment by Sun about him being a pussy.

Back at the island, Michael and Jin are fighting when Sun defends Jin saying that his hands were burnt from touching fire, something cavemen learned in 400 B.C. The words Sun have said shocked everybody, mainly because of how comprehensive it was, also it was in English for those of you wondering. Locke then predicted that no survivor could have torched the raft.

The scene then cuts to two guys laughing in the bushes, it could be assumed that the network executives burned the raft but it's just another myth. Michael then begins work on a new raft. A better one, Sun and Jin decide to start over in a romantic gesture, a similar flashback appears with Jin talking to his father about how ashamed he is about his family, his job, and his marital difficulties. His father then tells Jin that he and Sun should travel to America to start a new life, this decision would get them trapped on the island.

At the last few moments of the show, Shannon finally decides to stay with Sayid at the disgust of Bono and Locke asks Walt why he burned the raft. He said that "A bunch of people in suits gave me money." which confirms that network executives are evil and the next day, Hurley's CD player dies while in the middle of some song, therefore ending the existence of the only CD player on the island. Sun decided to take a dip in the ocean while Jin and Michael proceed to rebuild the raft. Overall, a common day in the life of Losties.

"Letters"

The episode begins proper with Hurley stealing some documents that Sayid found somewhere. In correspondence to Lost protocol, the document features the magical numbers that Hurley somehow used to win millions of bucks in an illegal black market lottery. Hurley sets out to find the magical numbers guy, ignoring any signs of danger that were placed all around the camp.

In flashbacks, we see how Hurley won the lottery. By trying to force the numbers into the ticket, the computer was overloaded by the impossibility of the numbers and in a rare coincidence, named him the lottery winner. Over the coming weeks after Hurley wins the lottery, a series of unfortunate consequences starts happening to people close to him. This includes his grandfather having something nobody cares about, his mother breaking some leg and himself being arrested for drug possession. He then visits a loony bin where he himself was instituted for being crazy and begins to talk to some stranger, after telling him that he's won the lottery. That stranger breaks about numbers being evil and such and is carried away for getting too close to Hurley. Hurley then goes to Australia to discover that some guy is dead. But in a non-island flashback-in-a-flashback, we discover that these 2 guys got together in a gay marriage and got a job listening to radio 24/7. Prior to a few years earlier, he picked up a 24/7 stream of somebody saying the magical numbers which caused him bad luck causing him to commit suicide.

Back on the island, Hurley discovers a mysterious cable that leads him through an unknown location in the ocean, up to the hills and deep underground where a rope bridge is discovered. The rope appears to have traps along a cable, Hurley expresses no fear of traps and begins to cross the bridge avoiding all but one trap which almost killed him, thanks to an apparent good luck charm. Charlie then begins to cross when the bridge suddenly decides it's had enough of this junky and the bridge suddenly collapses on him. Hurley continues his journey to discover the magical numbers guy. Jack and Sayid meanwhile set off one of his traps and destroys some shelter. Sayid makes a remark about how he knew...

After Hurley and Charlie get shot at. Hurley meets up with what finally appears to be the magical numbers guy, only it's discovered that he is a she and she is Rousseau. She pulls a gun on him but Hurley's determination to know what the numbers mean turns him into The Incredible Chunk and he moves forward. She fires and after using up a few rounds and realizing that Chunk is indestructible, she drops the gun and gives up. She then relates the story about how she got to the island in which her ship was destroyed by the island, it took her crew months to discover the radio tower which was near the "Black Rock". When finding out that the rate per hour she was being paid to babysit these guys wasn't enough, she started killing them, one by one. After killing them, she changes the message into a call to their parents telling them to come pick her up at the island. They both come to the conclusion that the numbers were cursed and the reason that brought them together, they both hug.

Hurley then makes his way back to the group somehow, giving them a battery that powers what appears to be their escape from the show. Charlie then talks to Hurley about his drug addiction. Hurley then makes a remark which makes Charlie angry and the numbers are discovered to be engraved on a hatch somewhere.

"Butt Sex Macarena"

Locke and Bono head out to the hatch yet again and still can't crack the code that opens the door, despite it being written on the side. Locke sets up a giant game of mousetrap, that he hopes will not only be fun but also help get the hatch open. Bono loses and gets annoyed, saying that he's had enough of being Locke's bitch now and wants a new storyline that involves having sex with Shannon again.

Coincidentally, Bono later becomes the "sacrifice that the writers demanded". He and Locke find a plane that had crashed into a parachute and fallen to the island. Bono assumes that Locke is going to go and explore, but Locke says that he just got comfortable and besides, it's Bono's turn to take on the dangerous mission. Bono climbs up into the plane, only to find that it is high on heroin and could therefore tumble over at any time. He uses the communication system to prank call someone, then realizes that the pilot is still alive. As the plane starts tripping out some more, the pilot tries to take off, but fails miserably and ends up crashing the plane into the ground. Locke is so concerned that he limits himself to a further ten minutes of sunbathing, before rushing into the wreckage.

He races back to camp with Bono on his shoulders. Jack tells Locke that this is in fact not Bono. Locke then realizes he has picked up the pilot by accident. He rushes back with the dying pilot and lays him down where he left him, then takes Bono's body back to camp. Jack says he may be able to bring Bono back from the dead, again. He asks if anyone has any former experience with miracles, but unfortunately Locke has already gone. This results in Jack once again masturbating over a dead body to bring it back to life.

Rose and Bernard randomly appear from nowhere and start having rampant monkey sex in the middle of the beach. Jack furiously masturbates over them both. This is probably to give them a storyline as nobody knows what their names are.

The episode ends with Locke trying to break into the hatch by hitting it with his hands. At this point, some viewers who watched very carefully noticed a small blooper. It was obviously decided that the scene was too dark and one of the lighting crew evidently increases the light intensity on Locke.

Also in this episode, we learn that Locke actually used to have hair. During this historic time, his mother's ex-milkman snatches his heart while he isn't looking and uses it for his heart transplant. Locke is devastated when he realizes this.

Of course, the Locke storyline in this episode is only a subplot, because the real focus of the episode is Sawyer and Jack. Jack tries to help Sawyer lose his "bad boy" image by giving him a pair of spectacles.

"Why You Shouldn't Kill"

Bono is in bad shape after skydiving into a cliff. It is revealed that his whole body is a mess because his right leg is crushed. Kate is sent on a long and tiring journey to retrieve a pint of malt liquor from Sawyer. On her way back, she discovers that Claire is in the middle of some mythological birthing process.

Sayid sets up a dinner for Shannon in which Shannon tells Sayid that Bono is her hot brother and he wants to have sex with her.

Bono needs a specific blood transplant which is rare on the island. Charlie goes out to find the mysterious blood by annoying other survivors. When he returns he is unsuccessful as many of the people on the island never went to school. Jack at the last moment decides to infuse Bono with his mysterious unstable blood. Jack tries to use the environment to his advantage but finds Bono impervious to the environment. Sun at the last moment comes up with something and retrieves one of those bombs from Minesweeper. Using those pointy things, Bono begins to rise from the dead once again.

Jin, working on his exit strategy, hears Kate's yell and rushes to the gay couple. Despite him speaking Korean, Kate is somehow able to tell Jin to find Jack. Jin rushes to the E.R. only to find Jack stuck on one of the needles. Jack tells Jin to take Charlie to the couple and help them with the mysterious birthing process.

As Jack begins to look boring, Sun is somehow able to pull Jack away from the needles. Jack attempts to repair Bono's precious leg but is unable to repair it so he decides that the injury will be fatal unless the leg is brutally chopped off. Jack accidentally bumps into Michael and asks to find a way to cut off Bono's leg. Bono suddenly awakens from his 30 minute nap to tell Jack something, saying "Hey, you're not cutting off my leg. Get out of here before I get all physical on you."

Bono dies while revealing details about the day he and Locke discovered a mysterious hatch in the middle of the island, and how he was forced to keep it a secret. (Bono is no good at keeping secrets. after he and Locke stopped talking, Bono told the Losties about the hatch in every detail imaginable.) Claire gives birth to a boy and Jack looks for Locke claiming that he was assassinated without his consent.

Closing out the final few minutes of the show is a flashback that shows the events prior to Sarah's wedding. Sarah was a patient who was magically fixed by the voodoo doctor Jack after she was injured in a common car accident. Jack is in the middle of a rant about his vows when his father surprises him by appearing out of nowhere, giving Jack tips on writing vows near a dangerous pool. Jack's father goes on about him getting convicted for stalking and that he's not right for her. Jack thinks over the words that he said, and writes his vows in the nick of time for the wedding, focusing on how he is a qualified voodoo doctor and miracle worker. The episode ends with a musical number set to gospel.

"Why You Should Kill"

The episode begins at the caves where Shannon is mourning Bono's memorable death. Sayid appears out of nowhere offering his muslim faith for her. Meanwhile, Kate tracks down Jack and blames him for assassinating Bono but asks him to return. At the cemetary, a meritorious funeral is going on with food and music from The Beatles. After a few hours and an inspirational speech, the Losties begin to bury Bono until his beautiful body is covered in dirt. At the funeral, Locke pleads for his life but Jack, being the self-ignorant bastard he is, ignores him and hits him in the face.

Afterwards, Jack tries to bribe Sayid, Sun, and Kate into thinking Locke is lying, but refuses their bribes and insist that Jack must die. Locke asks god for forgiveness but to no avail, Shannon appears in front of Sayid and asks him if he could kill Locke.

Meanwhile, Charlie tells Claire that he should take care of the child while he lays down, even though she refuses, she is left no choice and gives Charlie the baby. Charlie runs into trouble when the baby's cry is in threat of waking up the monster, Charlie gets Hurley to sing one of Ekonomikz's singles but fails horribly. The baby manages to stop crying after seeing the baby react to Sawyer's beautiful voice.

Kate attempts to kill Jack, who insists that Locke needs to be killed. Realizing that Jack would be gone for an extended length of time, Kate tranquilizes Jack, leaving Sayid free to kill Locke. Sayid arrives at Locke's hiding place and begins hurting Locke for answers, forcing Locke to show him the end of the series. As they walk to it, Sayid forces Locke to a wall and interrogates him some more. Locke realizes that Sayid can interrogate people. Upon arriving at the plane that will end the series, the episode begins to escalade into a Tom & Jerry episode. Sayid, using some sort of physic powers, tells Locke that he's holding a gun. Locke hands over the gun and then reveals that he hit Sayid while trying to get on "Call For Help". Sayid, enraged that one of the Losties betrayed him, pulls the gun on Locke and threatens to shoot unless he tells him the secrets of the hatch. Locke, tells Sayid that Bono was talking about the hatches on the plane. A perfect lie.

Sayid returns to the beach and explains to Shannon that Locke did not kill Bono. This prompts Shannon to kill Locke herself, giving Sayid a pittance in the price of 1 penny each. Shannon then heads down to the hatch's gun store, grabs a gun and confronts Locke in a fearsome battle. Kate, Jack and Sayid arrive during the battle, but Shannon insists on killing Locke. With only a few minutes to go, Sayid kicks Shannon down just as she fires the gun, which damages Locke's hand.

In flashbacks, we learn that Sayid becomes a spy for the ASIS, CIA, NSA and a bunch of generic acronyms I don't know, anyway they ask him to infiltrate Al-Qaeda where one of his friends is a member. They explain in a complex manner that they know where Nadia is and Sayid instantly agrees. When Sayid discovers that Sydney is under attack, he convinces Essam to destroy Sydney. On the day of dawn, Sayid reveals that he's a spy and Essam kills himself after the announcement. After his death, the CIA gives Sayid Nadia's location and hands him a plane ticket. Sayid becomes interested about Essam's body and is told that it'll be burned if he leaves the area and as we all know, Muslims hate fire. Upon being told that he cannot make his flight, Sayid insists to change the flight to a different one so he could claim his body. This change in the flight schedule trapped Sayid on the island.

Later in the Night, Sayid thanks Locke, who is praised that he isn't evil. Sayid replies that Locke must survive as he is a badass. Later on, they both visit the hatch together.

"Dancing in the Dark"

Charlie and Kate await fame and fortune from an oncoming plane which will rescue them, the plane disturbs Kate. After the group becomes concerned about the fate of the raft, Michael does a rush job on the raft and Kate bribes Michael for a spot on the raft. Sealing Kate's fate in a poorly made raft. Michael refuses, saying that he has enough money already and that every seat is booked. However, after a stern talking with Sawyer, Michael gives Kate a spot on the raft, which prompts Sawyer to confront Kate somewhere. Sawyer says that he knows why Kate wants a seat on the raft: to escape being captured by the island itself.

While working, Michael suddenly catches a mysterious island disease. Jack, having returned from a the hatch, examines Michael and discovers the cause of the illness. The mysterious water bottle. When he tells Michael, he plays the blame game and blames Sawyer. In short, Kate is commonly suspected, which leads Jack and Kate to confront each other and give a PSA about drugs. At the same time, Walt explains to Locke that "he doesn't have any drugs". When Locke touches Walt, Walt activates his token powers and tells Locke not to open the hatch.

Sawyer wakes up with Michael in a sexual position and insults him about his STD. Michael becomes angry with Sawyer and kicks him off the raft, riping his ticket in the progress. Sawyer decides "to hell with it." and reveals that Kate was in custody all along. Having a stolen passport to boot.

In flashbacks, it is revealed that Kate wore a wig, drove a car and stripped naked in a shower and had an alias. Kate returns home to discover her mother suddenly dieing, and meets up with Tom Brennan, her former boyfriend and now a certified PHD. The two then begin to dig up some sort of capsule. Among the items in the capsule were Tom's Boeing 777 Model and a VHS tape featuring the two having sex. Later, Kate is able to watch the tape alone with her mother, who begins to go into a seizure when she sees the rampant sex it contains. Forced to run, she runs into Tom, who gives her the car and joins her as her accomplice. When the police set up a roadblock, Kate tells Tom to leave but he stubbornly refuses. As the police fire every round at the car using every gun imaginable, Kate uses the car to ram through the blockade. When the attempt fails, she sees that Tom has died from the police shooting nonchalantly. Left with no choice, Kate runs off into the sunset.

As the raft nears completion, Sun confesses to Jack about the poisoning attempt, explaining in great detail that she didn't want Jin to leave. Later, in a conversation with Kate. Sun swears not to tell anyone that Kate drugged Michael, in Korean.

That night, Kate and Sawyer say goodbye to season one on the island while Walt confesses to Michael that he was easily bribed. Walt says that he needed the money for steroids and growth drugs, Michael suddenly changes his mind and decides to stay, but Walt says that they have to leave... NOW!

"Exorcist"

Part 1

In the morning, Rousseau appears on the beach to warn Losties that "Udders" are coming, and tells them her boring life story which no one wants to hear. She gave birth to a baby girl when she came to the island but the "Udders" striked using a trail of white smoke which is actually a ghost. They kidnapped her baby and raped her good and the baby has not been seen since.

Work on the raft resumes, Walt notices white smoke in the distance. The Losties tell Rousseau about the hatch and their need to see what's inside, perhaps with dynamite. Rousseau then offers to take them to the ship known only as the Black Rock which was a French slave ship that was found on the island. It's history is shrouded in immense mystery.

In pre-flight flashbacks, several of the soon-to-be Losties are shown in the final hours "before" the flight. Early in the morning, Walt turns on a TV and sees the Power Rangers on it. When a deranged Michael wakes up, he asks Walt to turn it off because he dislikes the Power Rangers for the overusage of the Power they have. Walt throws a tantrum and attempts to flee the room but Vincent brings Walt back to Michael. Later in the day, Jack meets Cortez for the first time ever while Sawyer is told that he is being deported from Australia. Kate is handcuffed and handed over to Mars for the flight, and during a conversation. Mars slips up and reveals that he fooled Kate with a Boeing 777 model. When he says that the plane will be your grave, Kate attacks Mars but not before being subdued by his daughter Veronica Mars. Back at the check-in desk, Shannon waits for Bono to get first class through his gold credit card, when Sayid asks her to watch the bag. She agrees, but when Bono appears saying that his "credit has been declined". Shannon leaves the bag to chase after Bono, they both walk over to a security agent, telling them that a Muslim left a bomb in the middle of the floor. Meanwhile, Sun and Jin are having a romantic dinner with airport food, while Sun brings Jin hot coffee. Sun overhears comments from an American couple regarding Sun's submissiveness, she is rattled and spills the coffee on Jin's lap. Removing his ability to grow taller.

As the team heads toward the Black Rock, Arse, a filthy redshirt, is attacked by the monster, which Rousseau explains is a creature designed to kill useless characters on the island.

As the raft prepares the series end, Sayid gives the team the common rescue gear while Charlie goes all old-skool with Messages in a Bottle. Sun says goodbye to Jin, handing him a copy of "How to Speak English for Dummies". This encourages Jin to say his final words and says that he wants to rescue her from the island and the only logical way that could be done is that if he could leave the island first. After their final farewells. The raft sets off for Fiji while over in the distance, the ghost continuing to rise.

Part 2

After going to look for dynamite so that they can blow up Charlies guitar, Jack, Kate, Hurley and the fat doctor whose never been in the show before find a big pirate boat that crashed on the middle of the island. The French woman is playing dress up on the boat and tells them that its her boat and she wanted to see if she could make it swim on land with her team, but they said no so she killed them all.

The fat doctor decides to play catch with the dynamite, but because he has touched Hurley's sweaty back, his hands are wet and he explodes.

Meanwhile the token hot piece of male ass and his friend decide to go on a little adventure on the big blue thing they call to ocean. Jesus otherwise known as Jack tells them it is dangerous and there are big fishes that will eat you if they get the chance. Because the black guy thinks this is a racist comment, they go just to piss Jack off. They take the little kid Walt, just to use as a shield in case there really ARE fish in the ocean.

Hurley hears a bird say his name, but then before this can be answered, he eats it. He then proceeds to eat a bag of dynamite, blowing himself up.

Meanwhile the black guy, his human fish shield and there friend are sailing along the ocean arguing but mostly sailing, when all of a sudden they hear something and a big boat shows up. It's captain birds-eye. He wants Walt to be in his next commercial, so he takes him and for no reason at all, blows up their boat. Rousseau then hires an exorcist to get rid of the ghost which eases the fears of the survivors.

Jack manages to staple Hurley back together, and they use the shine of Locke's head to create a fuse to blow up the hatch. When the dramatic music kicks in, and the hatch door blows up, the gang realize that there is ANOTHER door underneath it, with a code on it. Hurley, being fat, puts those numbers in that everyone bums and the hatch door flings open. Luckily, Hurley doesn't fall down, just gets stuck. TO BE CONTINUED

Season Two

"Man At Seance, Man Who Fakes"

Season two opens the same way as season one, with the opening of Jack's eye. Immediately after this, the scene changes, to a man in a small apartment. He gets up from his bed and immediately browses the LOST nerd forums to see if there are any new theories as to who he might be. Next, he downloads a song from limewire and plays it - "Ich Will" by Rammstein. He then goes about his every day life; eating breakfast, showering, leaving for work, returning at 6pm, playing GTA: San Andreas on his PC, reading playboy, taking his Ferrari out for a spin and finally settling down to work out. However, he struggles with this and so injects himself with steroids to improve his performance. Finally, it turns out the island doesn't approve of the amazing music and turns it off. Desmond immediately goes and gets strapped up, in the hope that something interesting is about to happen.

At exactly the same time, Locke and Jack are peering down the hatch, arguing over who is about to go down and explore. Both decide that in all fairness it should be Hurley, but when they find out he can't fit through the hole, Kate is the second option. As Locke goes to find her, Jack returns to the other survivors to reassure them that the hatch is no good at all but he found the scripts for the rest of the episode and it is only Walt who is in any danger. At this point, Shannon loses Vincent for the 857th time. When she goes to look for him, Sayid sticks his foot out to trip her up, then runs off laughing. Shannon looks up to see Walt staring back at her. She shouts to him, but he has a soar throat so he can't answer her. Jin, Sawyer and Michael come out behind him and all four of them start to point at Shannon and have a jolly good laugh about what a great prankster Sayid is. She asks them what they're doing back. Michael hands Walt a throat sweet and Walt then explains to Shannon that the four of them aren't needed again until the next episode, so they thought they'd stop off at the island for a bit. After they leave, Sayid returns after realizing that Shannon didn't run after him and play kiss chase like he'd hoped. Shannon tells him what just happened, to which Sayid replies "LOL".

Meanwhile, Locke takes Kate to the hatch and forces her down it. As she nears the bottom, a rift gate opens and Kate passes through it, ending up in an apartment in Scotland. Locke hears sexual noises coming from the hatch, then puts two and two together and decides he wants in on the action, so he dives headfirst down the hatch, with faith that he won't die because the island is madly in love with him. After Locke has headed towards the orgy, Jack arrives at the hatch and hears the same sounds, then decides he needs to go down there and put a stop to it, so the four of them can all sit around acting depressed and talking about the serious events that are occurring on the island (for a change). When he gets there, he walks over to the computer is about to do the pedestrian riot cheat on San Andreas, when Locke advises him not to because you can't turn it off once you do. The hatch's resident - Desmond - then approaches Locke with a feather duster and threatens to tickle him silly if Jack doesn't back off. Jack recognizes Desmond after Desmond refers to him as "brotha" - Jack remembers that he grew up with Desmond because of the two of them in fact have the same parents. The two hadn't spoken since Desmond cheated to beat him in a race several years back.

"A Douche"

Sawyer, Jin and Michael all find themselves doing mushroom-floats in the middle of the ocean, because Walt has just chosen to burn the cruise ship down for the second time. Jin promptly begins to swim back to the island using doggie-paddle, whilst Sawyer and Michael make a mini-hovercraft out of the ship's remains. Michael shouts for Walt 649 times, receiving only 112 responses. On the odd occasion in which Walt replies, Michael continues to shout for Walt, simply because it turns him on. Lost has clearly parodied Titanic in this scene.

Meanwhile, back at the hatch, Locke enters and for stealth purposes, removes all of his clothes. He turns a corner and sees Kate having sex with Desmond, who is disgusted at Locke being naked. At this point, Desmond becomes suspicious, which in turn puts Kate off. In order to re-lighten the mood, Desmond tells a light-hearted classic about two snowmen, but Locke kills the joke by not knowing the punchline. Desmond then makes a sexist joke with sexual innuendo, that offends Kate and ruins his chances altogether.

Desmond flips out and points a gun at both Locke and Kate, then demands that Kate tie Locke up in bondage and get kinky for him to watch. Locke explains that HE is the sexy beast and Kate prefers being the slave. Kate protests, causing Locke to viciously beat her and throw her through a door, which he then bolts. Kate switches on the light to reveal the island's underground Wal-Mart, from which she buys candy.

Desmond tells Locke to sit at the computer and reach the "Hot Coffee" section of San Andreas, thus completing the research that this hatch was designed for. During the hacking process, Locke makes a mistake, leaving the game in a situation where the health cheat must be entered every 108 minutes in order to prevent CJ from dying before Desmond can save the game.

Michael has flashbacks to a considerably boring period of his life, in which very little happened. This spurs on his newfound sense of adventure and makes him more determined to get his boy back from the Udders, because it will keep him occupied and stop him from having such a boring life.

Back on the hovercraft, Michael and Sawyer encounter a blue whale, who has Dhesktop logos where his eyes should be. Sawyer takes a risk by swimming to Columbia in order to pick up some arms, then swims back and fills the whale full of holes, just before it engulfs Michael. Sawyer then takes the time to heal the bullet wounds he picked up in Columbia, pulling each one out, applying ointment and stitching each wound.

Eventually, the hovercraft sails back to the island. Sawyer looks at Michael, then refers to the island as "home", which Michael assumes to be a racist remark, considering the jungle-like nature of the island and proceeds to attack Sawyer. The two roll off the boat and continue to fight onto the beach, when Jin runs out from the trees wearing a full prison uniform, dragging a ball and chain. He breaks up the fight and repeats the word "others". Michael and Sawyer both agree that Jin is right and they should think of the other survivors before they go starting meaningless fights with one another. As the three men hug and begin to conga around the beach, a member of the native tribe becomes angered, because the conga is a forbidden dance according to his beliefs. He rushes over and promptly kills all three characters, before carting them off as sacrifices. Due to popular demand, the deaths of the characters in this episode are overturned in the next episode.

"Inflamation"

Michael and Sawyer find Jin being chased by the Udders. Being the team that they are, they get knocked out and dragged to the pit.

At the compound, the fight between Jack, Desmond and Locke provides a distraction for Kate to knock Desmond out but not before destroying the computer. Desmond claims that flashing lights will blind them unless the computer is repaired. Kate heads off to find the only Muslim mechanic there is, Sayid.

Desmond explains that 3 years ago. His boat crashed while he was on "The Amazing Race". He then met some guy who got him to help in his sole duty: entering a code every 108 minutes. Desmond claims that "really loud music" will come if the code is not entered.

He then directs the audience to watch a short film narrated by non other than Oscar Wilde himself. The film describes a project called The Dhesktop Initiative, and explains that viewers must enter a magical code every 108 minutes for the next ∞ days, after which other people will come to repeat the tedious process, Jack believes that the code is a lie, while Locke believes the film.

Desmond attempts to turn on the computer, but when he fails. He screams like a girl and runs out on his duties.

Elsewhere, someone joins them in the pit where the gang is imprisoned. She says her name is Ana, an unknown survivor of Flight 815. We learn that she was in the rear section, which landed somewhere else other then the water. Sawyer tells her that he plans to kill the guard for a great escape. Ana grabs his gun and calls an Udder. She then gives the gun to the udder, therefore preventing any escape from happening.

In flashbacks, we learn that Locke was in A.A. where he recounts how his father made him drink. Afterwards, another member stood up saying that she was Helen, however, she's a different Helen then we're used to.

It is shown that the two has become involved after spending the night together. Helen wakes up to find Locke naked with his 6-pack abs, Locke claims that he is unfamiliar with this kind of bed. After going out to sit in his car, his father comes out of nowhere to remind him that stalking is bad, and to commonly tell him that he's not wanted here in a British manner.

Six months later, Helen is shown giving Locke a present: her key, under the condition that he stay at least 30 ft. away from his father. Locke agrees but falls back on his work after Hellen follows him and confronts him, saying that he is afraid to move away from his father and to move closer to her. She tells him that it is a leap of faith because his father appears everywhere.

Sayid repairs the computer just in time to enter the code, Locke tells Jack that he should push the button of belief. Jack refuses, but as the alarm sounds. Locke prays to god on why he won't press the button, and Jack responds by telling Locke why he prays to god. Locke tells him he's a Christan, but Jack needs to make a leap of faith to Locke. With only a split second to spare, Jack presses the button, therefore delaying PARTY TIME! for another day.

"Everybody Hates "Everybody Loves Raymond" Puns"

The episode opens with MAJOR plot development, as Jin learns to speak English and a wild chicken is found on the island. However, the writers decide that this would be far too fast-paced for the show and scrap the idea, opting for the "it was all a dream" approach. Hurley wakes up to realize that all the events of the past three episodes were in fact, a dream.

Hurley is appointed as the new employee of the island's underground Wal-Mart. His fellow castaways ensure him that this connection between him and the stored food is completely unrelated to the fact he is the size of a small whale.

Claire reveals to Charlie that peanut butter makes her horny, so Charlie tells Hurley to sell him some peanut-butter flavoured condoms. However, takings are down and Hurley can't afford to lose any more stock, so he decides to blow up the entire shop and claim insurance money. Rose talks him out of it, telling him it would be quicker and easier if he just ate it all, which he then does.

Meanwhile, the writers finally decide what to do with Michael, Jin and Sawyer, so Ana-Lucia releases them from the pit. The noobs take them to the hotel where they've been staying, waiting to appear on the show. Bernard asks Michael if Rose is still alive and upon hearing that she is, he breaks down into tears, in the knowledge that he will never be free of the miserable old bag.

Jack decides to shave off all his body hair and spends the rest of the episode following Kate round trying to show her his "Magic Meat Bag". Kate responds by dropping sand in Jack's jap's eye whilst he is asleep, then arousing him by stroking his freshly shawn gonads. The resulting operation to remove sand from the inside of Jack's cock, utilising a cocktail umbrella found in the Wal-Mart, received over three complaints from viewers, all from Wisconsin.

"Crap Bin"

In the hotel where the Tailies were living, Michael, Sawyer, and Jin wonder what the Tailies are going to do with them. When Michael asks if they're going to eat them, they reply that though that was their original plan, they'd rather all go back to the beach where the rest of the crash survivors are. While collecting food to prepare for this journey, Michael runs into the center of the island screaming "WAAAAAAAAALLLLLT!!!1!!", and Jin decides to go after him. The big African-African guy - who finally reveals his name to be Mr. Ekonomikz - comes with him, and gives him one of the hockey sticks they pulled off the creepy Canadian.

They soon pass by the body of BadGoodwin, who Ekonomikz confirms to be a dead Udder. Jin begins to realize they're taking a ride into a danger zone. A little later, Ekonomikz - trained to pick up slurs and go off the handle - hears the Udders coming and singing "We're off to fight the Injuns" from the 50s Peter Pan movie. While Jin has no problem with good ol' family racism, Ekonomikz makes him hide in the bushes with him. Sure enough, the Udders walk by dressed as Lost Boys, right down to the last one dragging a teddy bear.

Meanwhile on the beach, Sun has lost her wedding ring. When she tells Hurley she was with Vincent the dog earlier, he takes her to the dog crap silo that Vincent filled in just 2 days - with Hurley's help. After surface-diving in it for 5 hours, Hurley concludes the ring isn't in there. Jack then comes to console Sun - he says that he lost his wedding ring once, but it didn't matter because he married the wrong woman so the ring meant nothing right? Feel better? As a bonus consolation, he sends Sun the next best choice for marital advice - Kate. Kate soon stops listening to Sun's woes when she learns they found the message bottle. She quickly digs it up and reads the messages because that's what Sawyer would have done. Luckily, Sun finds her ring with the bottle.

Jin and Ekonomikz eventually track down Michael, who has passed out by a waterfall due to screaming himself mute. They carry him back to the rest of the Tailies and conclude that it will take a few days before his voice recovers and he can go running into the jungle again.

"Abadoned"

Sayid leads Shannon to a little romantic shack he's made for her. When Shannon asks if it has an inside, Sayid replies by asking if she has an inside, and they go from there. When Sayid steps out for a bit, Shannon sees a vision of Walt again and starts to panic again. Naturally, no one believes her.

Meanwhile, the Tailies are making there way across the island, but Sawyer keeps slowing them down. When Libby takes a closer look at him, the Tailies all say "Holy shit! You've got a bullet wound in your shoulder! Jeez, why didn't you say something, maybe we wouldn't have kept punching you! C'mon let's carry you." When they get pretty close to the beach, they have to climb a small ridge, but Sawyer's stretcher slows them down. When they're almost at the top they hear a loud "Yoink!". They say "Yoink?", only to realize Cindy has been conscripted to Udder-school. She appears to have graduated with honours by Season 3.

Shannon decides to use Vincent to track down Walt. Sayid goes with her, saying she's crazy. This is hard on her, as she's been remembering through flashbacks how she's been held back from realizing her potential by people who are supposed to love her. So, she says to Sayid that she knows he's going to just leave her as soon as they get off the island. Sayid replies "Pretty much, yeah. See there's this girl in L.A....and there's like 17 years between us, but thanks for letting me draw you naked!" This makes Shannon completely lose it, so she runs off to get herself killed by Ana Lucia and end her sorry life. Sayid bawls over his loss of someone to fondle until they get off the island, and the episode ends with him staring at Ana Lucia thinking "You'll do."

"The Udder 48 Gays"

When we find out that that lesbian and her pals also crashed on the island, we see how. Ana-Lucia is on the plane and suddenly breaks wind causing the plane to rip in half. Ana crashes onto the island and her lesbian instincts tell her to save all the girls. Luckily, a black man is saving some other people too. A psychotic Bi woman called Libby is saved and suddenly uses her special powers to realize a bald man off Angel is stuck in a tree. Later on, an adorable Stargate watching LGBT Canadian has his neck broken by a sentient copy of Gary Troup's Bad Twin novel. The silent black guy continues to give people knowing looks, and the big lezza promises to the whiney little kids (WHO BY THE WAY COULDN'T EVEN RECORD THEIR OWN DIALOGUE) that when they get off the island, she will add them on myspace. But its ok. They join the others. The Tailies manage to find a radio and pick up Bono's radio signal from the first season. Thus, if Bernard hadn't kept talking, Bono might have made it out of the plane in time. You murderer, Bernard. The blatantly evil Cindy also "disappears" into "thin air" when the others approach, and the lesbian gets angry when Shannon rejects her, so she pops a cap in her ass

"Circumcision"

Shannon is dead, via Ana Lucia. After the chaos settles down, Ekonomikz takes the wounded Sawyer to find Jack, and Jin leads everyone else to the beach. Ana and Sayid are left to play a drinking game where they try to outdo the other over which is more of a pathetic badass. By the end of it, apparently Ana Lucia had framed every murderer, robber, arsonist, and rapist she put away to cover up her own crimes, and Sayid was post-plastic surgery Osama bin Laden who had caused the plane crash.

Ekonomikz tracks down Jack and Kate and says that he needs him to save Sawyer's life....again. Jack rolls his eyes and begins working on Sawyer for the 17th time, while Kate is watching and breaking down. Jack begins to devise a plan in his head for making Sawyer have an "accident" - one where there will be no way to find out it was Jack's fault, so Sawyer will be very dead, and Kate will be there to comfort. Yesssss....... This naturally builds up his anger, so he loses it on the new guy asking what the hell happened (you'll recall a flashback of Jack's as a boy when he's beating up new kids in the schoolyard).

Michael stumbles upon Sun, and then tries to have a bit of a laugh. He acts all spooky and pretends to warn her that Jin is dead, everyone is dead hahahahaaaaa! Sun believes him and goes into a coma. He then carries her to Jack so he can revive her.

Jin eventually leads Libby and Bernard to the beach. The Losties are overjoyed to see Jin, as is Sun - so much so that they forget that no, they're no closer to being rescued. After all the Losties meet Libby and Bernard, and the two of them explain for 5 hours how they got there, there's a short pause after which Hurley says "Sooooooo, let me see if I understand this......your husband is white?"

"Who Kate Did"

The episode begins with some minor stuff where Sun gives Jin a hug, Sayid digs a grave for Shannon and in the hatch. Jack watches over a tired Sawyer when he says "I banged Kate", stunning Jack and the entire audience.

While foraging for something edible. Kate is shocked to see the Headless Horseman's horse actually on the island. She returns to the hatch to have sex with Sawyer and the computer so that Jack can attend Shannon's burial. At the burial, Sayid tries to say something but overcome by his lack of proper English, he can only say "She loved me!" before heading towards something. Jack, Locke and some Udders continue by burying the body in sand.

At the hatch, Kate tells a recently laid Sawyer something amazing, she saw a horse outside. Sawyer attempts to speak Korean and as Kate gets a closer look, Sawyer grabs her and says, "Why did I even have sex with you?" Jack and Locke return to the hatch to find the alarm blaring, Sawyer naked and Kate surprisingly nowhere. With only a few seconds remaining, Locke forces the numbers into the computer.

Outside, Kate bumps into Charlie on purpose to ask her if he thinks he saw the Headless Horseman's horse. He replies by saying a common statement about the island but he says that the Headless Horseman didn't have a horse. Jack meets up with Kate and punishes her by giving her a fine spanking. In the confrontation, Kate says in a sexual tone. "I'm sorry if I'm not as sexy as you." Jack pulls Kate close and begins to undress her. Without warning, Kate kisses Jack passionately and then begins to strip naked. Before Jack can have sex however, Kate runs into the jungle leaving Jack alone and naked.

Sayid, going to Shannon's grave to place a necklace on the cross, discovers Kate in the nude. She apologized for missing the funeral, being nude and thinking that the Headless Horseman had a horse. When asked if he believed in Superstition. Sayid says that he saw Walt near Shannon when she was shot and asks if that makes him insane. Kate goes back to the hatch to see Sun caring for Sawyer.

Flashbacks explain Kate's sexy-crime. Kate is sitting on a porch playing with fire when her father arrives drunk. As Kate helps him, he complains that her daughter is not as drunk as him and takes a bottle to feed her precious beer. Kate then rides away from the house in a motorcycle where a moment later, an explosion engulfs the house and her father alive. She rides to an IHOP where her mother works. Kate confronts her mother about the explosion and she presented her with insurance. With noting that she will be "taken care of".

Later, Kate is trying to flee the country when she is arrested by Edward Mars. He says that Kate's mother is really, really suspicious.

On highway 108, Mars is driving Kate to Iowa. Suddenly, the Headless Horseman's horse appears in front of the car. Kate, looking out of place tells Mars to look out, after swerving into a tree, Mars gets stunned by an airbag and Kate uses her sleek sexy criminal skills to free her from her handcuffs. Kate then kicks out Mars from what appears to be her car now and drives away into the sunset. The horse then rides off into the darkness.

In the hatch. Locke uses bolt-cutters to free Jin from the handcuffs he's been wearing for sometime now. Michael asks Locke about the blast door in the ceiling, which Locke has not noticed. Locke shows off the "Orientation" film to Michael and Ekonomikz and explains that he's set up 6-hour shifts and demonstrates the anti-cheat measure installed in the keyboard. Michael begins to inspect the equipment which Locke looks on approvingly.

Later, Ekonomikz disses Locke and, after leading in with some story about Josiah which then reveals a book which contains a small reel of film. Locke begins to unroll part of the film and recognized Oscar Wilde from the film in a shower.

Kate then visits a recruiting station and meets Sam Austen. She tells Austen that she discovered that he's her stepfather and Wayne was her father and such. Sam reveals that he knew but hid afraid that Kate would taste blood for the first time. Kate then gets a one-hour head as the authorities close in on Kate.

Back in the hatch. Kate, believing that her father's ghost has possessed Sawyer, confesses that she killed him after finding out that he was a bad parent. It was too much to bear for her that the man who was a horrible parent would always be her dad and that she would not get a payout from the insurance. Following Kate's confession, Sawyer returns to normal after listening to the entire conversation. Kate is relived. She shows Sawyer around the most popular locations in the hatch before returning outside to prove that they are still on the island. As the two talk, the horse reappears. Kate then says to the horse "Thank you for saving my life." before disappearing into the jungle.

Ekonomikz and Locke fit the missing piece onto the main film reel. Locke is amazed that they found the missing piece, but Ekonomikz tells advises him to "confuse fate and misconception", followed by some random beatboxing. They then watch the missing section of the film in which the computer should only be used to prevent the Jukebox from going into "shuffle", and that MSN is banned from within the hatch. He also explains that people may be tempted to use a proxy to gain access to MSN in which such action could lead to another "party".

Meanwhile, Micheal is examine the computer equipment when he sees an MSN Messenger IM Window pop out of nowhere with the text "Hello?". Micheal then replies with "Hello". A moment later, someone replies "Who is this?", Michael then types in "This is Michael" and presses enter. "Dad?" then appears on screen, confirming that Walt has an MSN account. Michael replies "OMGWTF, WALT?" to which Walt replies "Lolz. Sup?" ending a search that has been on for many, many episodes.

"The 23rd Palm Tree"

The episode begins with a flashback of Mr. Ekonomikz as a boy in Africa. He and his friends are playing, when their teachers come to give them the day's lesson on how to be a good person. They give a gun to Ekonomikz' brother and tell him to kill an old man, hoping to prove he can't do it, and that killing is wrong. Ekonomikz instead grabs the gun and kills the old man. He is then taken away to prison where he becomes a tough, greedy, murderous criminal.

On the island, Claire learns that Ekonomikz is religious, and asks if he would talk to Charlie, since Charlie is keeping 400 statues of the Virgin Mary in their tent. Ekonomikz then breaks open all the statues, revealing the heroin inside them. When Claire confronts Charlie, he says he didn't know. Nope, no idea what you're talking about. Ekonomikz then makes Charlie take him to the plane where he got them.

On the way, they have a deep discussion about how Charlie wanted to test himself whether he needed his Lord or his drugs more. Or rather, Charlie says several deep remarks to Ekonomikz and he says nothing in return. They soon meet the Smoke Monster Cerberus Type Security System Thing, which destroys 23 palm trees, and wants to kill Ekonomikz. It suddenly has to go the bathroom, so it leaves and says to Ekonomikz that if it ever sees him again he is fucking dead.

They eventually find the plane, which we have been learning through flashbacks was loaded with heroin by Ekonomikz, and that his brother's body is inside the plane. They then set fire to plane, but not before Ekonomikz gives Charlie 400 statues for the ones he broke. While the plane is burning, they have a vigil and sing "Personal Jesus", since Charlie brought his guitar and Ekonomikz brought his kickass African drums, yo. They then walk away and the plane blows up because Ekonomikz set fire to its gas tank, duh.

Also in the episode, Michael runs to the hatch because he just can't stay off MSN for more than a few hours. Jack heartfeltedly tries to console him and says they will get Walt as soon as it is feasible, but Michael doesn't listen to a word. The episode ends with Charlie taking his 400 new statues to put with the 400 more he had hidden in the jungle.

"The Hunting Par-tae"

Jack finds John knocked out in the armoury, and Michael locks Jack in there with him and runs off screaming "WAAAAAALLLLLLLTTTTTT!!!!!1!!!1!!!", even though Jack clearly said last episode that it would be better to wait, think, and go out as a team. John comes to and worries that no one will be around to push the button. Fortunately, Kate and Sawyer show up. While Kate pushes the button, Sawyer asks them through the door if they know the combination. John replies "No."

Most of the episode centers around Sawyer trying combinations at random. When he finally gets the door open, John and Jack have resorted to drinking their own urine to survive. They finally set out to track Michael, but Jack tells Sawyer he should stay behind because he got Carpal Tunnel Syndrome opening the door. But, he persists and they eventually find a sign saying "Waited around for 3 days for you bozos to show up. We were going to give you a spooky monologue and threaten you with killing your girlfriend and stuff, but that was assuming that you were cool. Screw you. Oh, and we've used the time you've spent reading this to magically pickpocket your guns off of you."

The Par-tae heads back, and Michael's status is MIA. I.E. he'll have an on-island flashback episode later. Jack's flashbacks show how he overworked himself to make his hot wife leave him.

"Steam"

The episode begins with a flashback where a young Charlie is given musical talent. His family wants him to use his newly found talent to save his family and get them out of the gutter, but his father appears, saying "He has no musical talent," and proceeds to cut the head off of a doll. The scene then changes to the island, where Charlie hears the sound of a baby inside of a piano, he then discovers that Aaron is in there. As the piano floats to sea, it becomes apparent that this is a dream. As he wakes up, he then rushes over to Aaron who is being taken care of by the island's nanny.

In another flashback, Charlie is seen in a Maternity Ward, where Karen has just given birth to Megan. Charlie and Liam's future band member, It is shown that Liam's drug usage has increased problems, he has skipped seeing her birth and he's interfering with the quality of the music, causing them to be called "SuckShaft". When Liam is thrown out of the band, he turns up on Charlie's doorstep, but sells his piano for his family, money for plane tickets to Australia and to enter rehab. Liam also promised his piano back if he let him back on the band, Charlie lets Liam back on the band but not before running like hell to the nearest airport.

Back on the island, Charlie hears a baby crying in the ocean and sees a cradle floating away. He swims to save the baby and brings him back to the beach, where Clarie and Charlie's mother call out to Charlie that he must "dip the baby in hot, hot wax." Hurley also appears as the Baptist but not before Charlie awakes from his dream, it is later shown that he is holding Aaron with no recollection on how it happened or how he got the baby. Claire, obviously angry and confused, takes the baby away from Charlie and punches him in the face.

When Charlie tells Ekonomikz about his vision, Ekonomikz, who's a rapper, says that "Yo, Dog! That baby needz to be baptisin' immediately like right now. Word, Peace Out!" When he goes to Claire to tell him all about baptizing but Claire says she no longer trusts him and walks away with the baby.

Charlie then heads to his statue collection while being followed by Locke, once Charlie breaks a statue and smokes the mysterious white stuff. Locke then busts him, and confiscates the drugs and then Charlie says that "They're just Mary Virgin Statues. Nothing more, nothing less!". Locke stored the now drug filled in the area where all the guns are stored, in the hatch.

Later in the evening, Charlie burns a comic book to attract attention, and then steals Aaron and runs to the ocean. Locke bribes him into giving the baby back, but not before getting a sour ball punch from Locke himself. Leaving him cold and bloody, Locke then says "Also, Your band sucked!" and spits on Carlie.

At the end of the episode, Claire seeks out Ekonomikz herself, and after hearing a conversation about Baptizing, baptizes both her and Aaron. Leading them into the Christian fate forever.

"The Looooooooooooooong Con"

In this episode, Sawyer learns of the gangbang that Jack and Ana Lucia are trying to organize, and that they weren't so considerate as to consider him. Sawyer thinks to himself, "Assuming that they ever go anywhere with that plotline, Jack and Ana Lucia might try to take control of the large number of guns in the hatch. This could get out of hand very quickly." An avid supporter and activist of gun control and registry, he decides he should do what's right in order to teach everyone that guns are very dangerous - no one should own, operate, or be near guns at anytime. He also decides to use his superior "conning" skills - seen in flashbacks - to do this.

Since Merry is feeling a little down on his luck because everyone wrongfully assumed he was taking drugs, Sawyer decides to help the poor guy out at the same time by getting him to assist in his massive good deed. He tells Merry to sneak up on Sun in her garden, and yell "BANG! BANG! BANG!", while wildly thrusting his pelvis. This spooks the hell out of Sun, and she runs to the beach saying "The Udders are coming! The Udders are coming!". The ensuing chaos leads Jack to be suspicious of Ana Lucia, because of a suggestion Sawyer made to Kate (all part of the plan, now). He then takes Jin - eager to protect his wife - to the hatch to get the guns. But, Sawyer has already warned John about Jack's intentions, and John has moved all the guns to a safer location.

When Jack confronts John about this on the beach, Sawyer show up and explains to everyone that he has acquired all the guns. Sawyer explains that he could see this gangbang could get out of hand very quickly - Shannon's accidental rape was tragic and he doesn't want any more accidents. He says that from now on, people will come to him if they want a gun and explain why. If he agrees they need a gun, he will give them one! But, no one agrees with this safe, simple system and everyone shuns him.

"Us and Them"

Danielle shows up for the first time this season to show Sayid that she's caught a man she is certain is an Udder. When Sayid asks him who he is, he shouts "I'm Henry V I am! Henry V I am I am!". When Sayid cuts him loose, Henry V decides to run. Danielle manages to throw a javelin right through his chest while he's escaping, without mortally injuring him.

Sayid takes Henry to the hatch so Jack can treat his wound. While that's happening, Sayid and John decide to lock Henry in the armoury with Sayid so he can get some real answers out of him. Sayid then calmly asks him who he is, and he repeatedly says "I'm Henry V I am! Henry V I am I am! I'm recently a widower! Arse has been married seven times before!!!". After 3 hours of repeatedly singing this and not shutting up, Sayid decided to beat the living shit out of him to shut him up. This proves harder than it looks, so he ends up REALLY beating the living shit out of him. See, Sayid has taken an oath against torturing, but beating the shit out of people up is okay. Now, Jack naturally can't NOT be in control, so he loses it on John because locking Henry up wasn't his idea. This leads to the alarm going all the way down to zero. As the timer is replaced by red hieroglyphics, John manages to push the button before the last one ticks down. No, we still don't know what the button does.

In flashbacks, we learn how Sayid learned to torture people back in Gulf Wars Episode I. We also see that he met Kate's father during the war, as well as some mysterious, Shawshank-looking tough guy soldier that may be popping up later...................It's Kelvin from the hatch that Desmond mentioned.

As a side story for pure filler, Sawyer is surprised to see that no one wants to be his friend anymore since he stole all the guns. Go figure that one out. He and Hurley take some quest through the jungle to slay some frog that's croaking, just because it's preventing Sawyer from sleeping in the middle of the day i.e. Sawyer needs attention.

"My Turn to Leave"

MIA Episode #1: Claire realizes that with Libby the Clinical Psychologist in town, maybe she can use her to cure her amnesia from when Ethan captured her. Since Libby the Clinical Psychologist left her molestation-demonstration dolls at home, she uses Aaron instead, and keeps pointing to parts of his body asking Claire if this is where Ethan touched her. Claire says that though she doesn't know what Libby the Clinical Psychologist's usual patients are like, she doesn't think Ethan molested her, she just wants her memory back, and could you stop doing that?

Libby the Clinical Psychologist then remembers all the TV she's watched and how characters always know how to hit other characters over the head to knock out and/or wipe/restore memories. She then grabs a rock and hits Claire over the head, and this somehow makes her memory start to come back after 5 tries. Claire then leads Kate and Danielle through the jungle to the Dhesktop Initiative medical station where she remembers being held. There she realizes she doesn't remember because Ethan was keeping her high on LSD the entire time. Apparently the Udders' laws say that maternal consent to give babies away is acceptable even under LSD. Kate also stumbles upon the Udders' dress rehearsal of their very pathetic production of "Rent". She walks away without saying anything, not wanting to hurt their feelings.

Back at the hatch, John gives Jack some bullshit shpeel on how Hemingway was jealous of Dostoevsky's success. They also completely alternate their respective opinions from the last episode on what they should be doing with Henry V.

"The Hole's Truth"

It is revealed that Jin and Sun had been trying to make a baby for a year prior to coming to the island, but never perfected their cloning technique, and so remained childless. Back on the island, Jin rips up Sun's garden, because damn, someone needed to.

Locke tells Ana-Lucia to go and see Henry, because the guy's been in there for three days already and needs some relaxation. When she returns, she reveals he has given her a "map to his heart balloon".

After fainting in the jungle, Jin asks Sawyer for a pregnancy test, and he is shocked to find that he's pregnant. He can't believe he never thought of the sex thing for making a baby before. Sun is rather confused.

Sawyer and Bernard rub Jin's inability to speak English in his face by showing off their English skills, even going as far as to speak backwards, and laughing as he is none the wiser about it.

Back at the Hatch, obviously still reeling from his "encounter" with Ana-Lucia, Henry comes out of the closet. Jack throws a mini coming out party, with cereal and milk and everything. Locke is the only other one to turn up, but Henry marks the occasion by plainly telling everyone present that he's sent Ana-Lucia into a trap, to be killed by The Udders as soon as she gets there. Nobody cares.

"Locke Down!"

It is revealed John Locke's stolen kidney was in a safety deposit box all along, coincidentally marked number 1337. Back in the present, however, the Hatch decided it didn't like Locke very much, and decided to shut its doors. Locke asks for Henry V's help to open the door, and with the power of teamwork Locke manages to get his leg crushed. Locke then asks Henry V to go press the button, but he trips over a piece of cereal and is knocked unconscious.

The mini Survivor Squad finds Henry's ":<" hot air balloon. When they find it, they notice that the rain is magical and cannot go through it. Also in the area they find an ancient Indian burial ground, ironically, with sticks on top of it in a ":<" manner.

At the same time, Jack the magic Doctor and Sawyer battle wits in the ultimate battle. Jack manages to win a trip to Thailand. Sawyer loses all of his anti-biotics, along with getting tackled and eaten by Hurley in the next episode.

Back at the Hatch, Locke tries to win over the Hatch's love and asks it to marry him. The Hatch shakes it's head and drives away. Magically, the Hatch's doors open and Henry V wakes up. The Survivor Squad then busts in and reveal their discovery of a corpse with a black man's I.D. that says his name is Henry V. Sayid then comes to the conclusion that Henry is a black ghost. Henry, believing that now that his secret is known, Desmond will attack him with his ghostbusters gear, gets thrown back into the closet.

"Hello, Dave!"

Hurley and Libby decide to have a party on the island, and like all parties, it consists of throwing the Survivor Squad's remaining food all over the ground. Sawyer is about to kill Hurley because he was "a fucking moron", but a balloon filled with food hits him, breaking his spine. In the rush to eat Sawyer's carcass, Hurley meets up with an old acquaintance, named Dave, who just so happens to not exist.

Meanwhile, in the hatch, Henry V is up to his old shenanigans, tying himself to the roof of the armory. He tells Sayid he did not kill the real Henry V, and that it was just the unfortunate result of one of The Udders' balloon orgies which had become a bit too violent. However, Sayid happened to find a videotape of the orgy in the real Henry V's pants, which happened to show The Udders killing the real Henry V purely for their own sadistic pleasure.

Hurley, pissed off after losing a game of coconut catch with Dave, goes to Sawyer for medicine, so he can get revenge by killing his imaginary friend. Sawyer says he'll give him the medicine, and to show his appreciation Hurley tackles Sawyer, and beats him to the ground.

Locke goes to Henry V to ask how many others there are, but instead Henry just tells him the hatch is a big practical joke, and he is in fact on "Punk'd". Locke does not fall for it, though, and claims Henry "B T3H LIEING, F00L!!1".

While trekking through the forest, Hurley drops mustard on Dave's slipper. Devastated by this, Dave decides to jump off a cliff. But before he does, he breaks some devastating news to Hurley - that the Island, everything that has happened to him, and everyone he has met since, has not been real, and that he is in fact just a character on a TV show. Then Hurley and Libby make out. Then Libby and Hurley are in a nuthouse.

"S.O.B."

The Red Shirts are pissed off that a plane went passed and didn’t bother to save anyone. To get some payback, their leader, Red Shirt #1337 decides to hurt the plane’s feelings by writing “S.O.B.” in big letters in the sand.

In flashbacks, we see how Red Shirt #1337 met Red Shirt #69 after saving her from a deadly snowstorm that threatened the health of her car. Five minutes later they decided that they should fly to ‘Stralya so that a witchdoctor could marry them. During the ceremony, the witchdoctor inadvertently gave Red Shirt #69 cancer. He recommended they go to a magical island somewhere for treatment, but unfortunately didn't know where they could find one.

In the hatch, Henry V is complaining about how no one will trade him a Walt trading card. Jack explains to him that it is because the plane dropped off a load of trading cards with the supplies and that Walt cards are very common. So common, in fact, that everyone on the island already has a Walt card.

Meanwhile, Red Shirt #1337 has been left alone in the construction of his sign, as all the other Red Shirts decided it was too safe on the beach and they should go have one of their many picnics in the jungle. Red Shirt #69 comforts him by telling him that no one will read the sign anyway, as by this point everyone has become really bored at the lack of story progression, and switched to American Idol.

Jack and Kate decide to trek into the jungle to trade their rare Henry V card for Walt. On the way the encounter an evil doll, who puts them in a net. It drags them into the jungle to trade them with the Udders for a full set of Island Trading Cards. Jack accidentally mentions that they have Henry V cards. The doll agrees that if they give him the cards, it will free them in return. It does so and throws in the super-rare Michael card as a bonus.

"Reckoning"

The Survivor Squad, going about their daily tasks, get sucked into a time vortex. While inside, they relive the events of season 2 in an hour while a narrator says inspirational things like "but can anyone survive on faith alone?" and such. Eventually Desmond rescues them from the time vortex, so that they can continue where they left off.

"Two Corpses To Go"

Previously on Lost, Michael was found wandering through the jungle not yelling "Walt." When he faints on the ground, instead of curing Michael, Jack the doctor decides to take a leisurely stroll.

Ana-Lucia goes back in time where she met a dead corpse who escaped his casket. Ana-Lucia stealthily has sex with Hurley to steal his memory of directions to the "secret beach."

Back at the hatch, Michael awakes and tells of his adventures with the Udders. Michael said he walked for miles, until he reached a lamppost on the beach. There, he found an Udder named Mr. Tumnas. Michael stalked this Udder to his MAINBASE. At the MAINBASE Michael discovered a secret Udders' scout camp, and joined them in toasting marshmallows and singing "cumbaya". After about a month of this, Michael remembered about his son and decided to retreat.

When Michael tells everyone at the hatch about this, they decide they can't put up with boy scouts on the island, and decide to exterminate them. When everyone leaves to get guns from Saywer's Pawn Shop, Michael, in the most easily anticipated ending ever, takes advantage of the situation by murdering Ana-Lucia. And to THE ENTIRE COUNTRIES SHOCK AND HORROR, the completely under-used, pointless, might as well not have even been a character on the show, Libby walks in for more food, as Hurley ate all their food on the way to the picnic. Michael has already entered "angry black guy" mode and shoots Libby too, and then shoots himself in the arm right in front of Henry V.

This very special episode was followed by a special talk with creator J.J. Abrams, where he explained that it was written to highlight the danger pre-marital sex poses to women - i.e. if you're married, sex will cure anything from impotency to cancer; if you're not, you will die.

"¿"

Previously on Lost, one dead, two injured, one soon to be dead, and everyone's favourite king is left running naked and free through the jungle.

Mr. Ekonomikz is visited in a dream by the ghost of Michael Jackson, who tells him that by teaming up with Locke, he'll be able to create a rap so powerful, they'll be able to attack The Udders and get Walt back. The catch being that he needs to find a magical word to complete the lyrics, represented only as "¿".

As Henry V runs through the jungle naked, he spots Ekonomikz and Locke, trekking through the jungle on their quest to find the magical word. While keeping a low profile, Henry shifts into tree form to spy on the duo, only to discover more than he could ever hope to discover (and he's quite ambitious).

While Sawyer mourns over the loss of his now trashy 'tainted goods' gun, Jack, Kate, and Michael decide on the best course of action for helping Libby. Michael's suggestion of killing her is unanimously agreed upon, but when Hurley is told about this, his only request is that he gets the chance to get high on heroin with her. And so they all light up some smack to make her death comfortable. Libby, gasping for breath, only manages to sing Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" and say "OH MY GOD MICHAEL'S GONE INSANE HE KILLED ANA-LUCIA AND SHOT ME TWICE THEN LET HENRY OUT OF THE CLOSET AND THEN SHOT HIMSELF YOU'VE GOT TO STOP HIM!", then also manages to say "Why...WHY DID I HAVE TO SHAG THE FAT GUY FOR HIS MONEY" to which Jack replies, "Don't worry, Michael's okay." Libby then dies.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson visits both Mr. Ekonomikz and Locke in their dreams again. He tells Locke to tell Ekonomikz to uncover a very secret hatch (the Squirrel) by climbing Henry in tree form and then moving Bono's plane. What he did in Ekonomikz's dream could not be broadcast due to decency standards. Once inside the Squirrel, they discover that somebody, or something, has been recording every little thing they do in their own hatch, including showers. Locke enjoys Kate's video, and Ekonomikz' Jack's. Locke was made uncomfortable by this, but wanted to show support for his friend. An aged movie is also found, and turns out to be the lost footage of Oscar Wilde's shower (shower 5 out of 6). This video shatters Locke's world, and he begins to question why they should continue pressing the button for more shower water if all Wilde does is make explanatory videos to hide on the island. Mr. Ekonomikz replies that they must because it is a test of their faith, plus he thinks he can beat Locke's high score of 108.

"Fwee Minutes"

MIA Episode #2: Previously on Lost, two guys chilling out, watching their friends on a hidden camera. Now they're back home with nothing to do but walk back into the jungle.

Michael is totally stoked about the party he arranged with the Udders, and apparently they'll give him back his boy if he got the cool kids to come! But, according to Ms. Clugh, Michael couldn't let any of the geeks over. No Jin, no Charlie, no Ekonomikz, no nobody but Jack, Kate, Hurley and Sawyer.

Hurley is worried there might be drugs at the party, and begins to doubt whether or not to come with, but a quick reminder that he does drugs regularly changes his mind. Wanting to show up fashionably late, the gang decides to wait a day before attending. While waiting, they bury the bodies of Libby and crazy tailie #1 so they don't stink up Ekonomikz' new pad. While burying the bodies, we see a toy boat sailing towards the island, which triggers Michael's unforgettable battle cry: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!" Everyone has a good laugh in the end.

"Live to Get Her, Die at Home"

Part 1

Previously on LOST… Michael talks Jack, Sawyer, Hurley, and Kate into going to the other side of the Island for Walts “Surprise” birthday party. Meanwhile, a Sailboat drops by to say hello.

As the Losties bury each other in the sand, they notice a sailboat fast approaching, with gun shots being fired from its hull. This makes Jack, Sawyer, and Aaron realize that Ana-Lucia must have come back to life and stolen this boat, so they swim out to finish the job that Michael started. As they climb aboard, they all get caught in an ectoplasmic ray beam. Jack looks over to see the resident Ghostbuster Desmond playing a practical joke. They return ashore and Desmond surprises everyone with a bottle of Vodka. They greatly appreciate his gift.

Meanwhile, Ekonomikz is working on some new material, when Locke interupts. Locke tries to tell him it’s a waste of his time, because no matter how hard he works, Locke WILL beat him in the annual freestyle battle rap. Ekonomikz doesn’t appreciate this, and promptly kicks his arse out.

Back at the beach, Vincent tells Jack about his plan to crash the Udders super secret Walt birthday Bash. He will come in by sea and check it out. If the party’s a sausage fest, he’ll start a fire. Jack agrees this is a good idea. Jack, Michael, Sawyer, Kate and Hurley then leave to go get their boogey woogy oogy on.

We see a glimpse into Desmond's mysterious past, in which many important plot points are conveniently wrapped up. Desmond is released from prison and reveals he was kicked out of the army for accidentally finding WMDs in Iraq. He then meets up with the cast of The O.C., who offer him a part on their show, as long as he never gets a part on The Widmores!. Out of spite he goes to L.A. and steals Libby's blimp to beat Henry V in a air race around the world, with the grand prize of being a guest star on The Widmores! so that he can get together with Penny again. Unfortunately, he crashes the blimp into the island's radio tower and meets Kelvin (More flashbacks in Part 2, so chill out).

Back at the Hatch, Charlie runs into Locke draining his eyes. Charlie tell Locke how Desmond's back, and Locke runs off to meet up with his former best friend. Locke finds Desmond on the beach, and asks him how the ghostbusting is going. Desmond responds, “Business is slow mate, and I got bills stacking up yeah?” Locke tells Desmond about the annual freestyle battle rap, and says he'll split the winning with him 50/50 if he helps him steal Ekonomikz's ryhmes. Then they get into a fight over whether or not Locke should be more supportive of Ekonomikz's sexuality, but most viewers were only paying attention to the background cast to see if redshirt #4815 looks anything like important character #108.

Sayid, Sakura, and Tetsuo take the sailboat to Walt's party but they arrive late because of a detour to an island art opening featuring an installation of an oversized, anatomically incorrect foot which Sayid and Tetsuo discuss at some length, through a three-stage language barrier. By the time they get to the party, all of the Udders are already on their way to the ferry for the Daiquiri Day Cruise.

Ekonomikz is hanging in the hatch by his lonesome just chilling a shit when the lights go out. He gets up to investigate, he sees the circuit breaker was pulled. Meanwhile Locke and Desmond creep in the shadows and lockdown themselves in the room with the computer wherein Ekonomikz was writing his rhymes. Ekonomikz is not happy, he don’t like fools jocking his steez.

While wandering through the forest with his crew, Hurley is chased by giant bird papparazi eager to get exclusive pictures of his hike to the Udders' party. His bodyguard Mike fires at the birds several thousand times, but only a thick white substances drips out of his gun. Jack then apologizes, saying that he must've accidentally filled it with Dhesktop Initiative Ranch Dressing.

After wondering through the grim woods even farther, Kate spies two Udders taking a leisurely stroll across the river. Kate stops to tie her shoe, and since the Survivor Squad had unanimously agreed that shoe tying was the secret signal to open fire, they open fire on the Udders. A prominent Udder who had a wife and three children, Jason McMillan, was killed in the shooting. Jason's partner Robert narrowly escapes, vowing to one day vindicate his friend. Jack, wroth by the death of an innocent Udder, throws Michael against a tree because it is best to take your anger out on an afro-American person. The tree, however, was the Magical Truth Tree that all of season one revolved around, and when touching it Michael admitted to shooting Ana-Lucia and Libby, claiming "they were too pretty to live in such a filthy island."

Part 2

While sailing around the island, Sayid, Sun and Jin notice a large replica of the Monty Python foot, meaning that they are at Udder Beach. Sayid asks them what they think is stranger, that the statue has 11 toes, or that it is upside down. He then realizes that it is the fact he is speaking to Koreans in English. Meanwhile, Locke and Desmond activate the hatch's secret soundproof booth so that they can practice their rap without Ekonomikz and Charlie taking their lyrics. Ekonomikz threatens to blow himself up. To prove to Charlie the danger is real, he strips him naked. Charlie asks how this will help. Ekonomikz just smiles....

Sayid goes to the Udder's village to find a sign saying its closed for the next 5 months, while the writers come up with some interesting stories for it over the summer. He goes to enter their hatch, and finds that it is filled with rocks, which really pisses him off. The other survivors meanwhile come across a large deposit of pearls. Kate examines the pearls and finds out that they contain prizes. Their enjoyment is short lived when they realize they already have these ones. At that moment, an Udder comes riding out on Kate's horse, and captures the survivors in a net to carry them off to Dock 49. Hurley wont fit in the net, but agrees to go along anyway.

In more flashbacks, we see how Desmond learned how to bust ghosts on the island with his lover Kelvin, who often took him outside so they could repair his crashed blimp. When they were done, they decided to have a disco party in the hatch. However, Desmond took the term 'head banging' a little to seriously and accidentally killed Kelvin by smashing his head against a rock.......several times. To celebrate his freedom, he fired his ghostbuster gun into the sky, blinding the pilot of flight 815, and crashing it. Desmond tells Locke this revelation, but Locke tells him not to worry, the pilot was high at the time, and the plane would've crashed anyway. We also see how Locke's random yelling in one episode brought Desmond back to life after he committed suicide.

The survivors arrive at Dock 49 with the Udders, and are met by MC hoboface, currently in his alter-ego of Tizzom. Kate tells Tizzom that she knows his beard is fake, and while removing it he accidentally tears off his whole face, revealing a tattoo saying Tom, thus revealing his true identity to the survivors. Upon arriving with Michael's boat, Henry V, who it turns out is also king of The Udders, asks Tom why he isn't wearing his face, and Tom asks him why he still isn't wearing any clothes. Henry V explains that Jack, Michael, Sawyer, Kate and Hurley have all been selected to compete in the Island's annual beauty competition, and that this is the first stage. The panel of Udder judges quickly eliminates Hurley, and he is sent home as the others advance to the next stage: modeling potato sack garments.

Back at the hatch, Desmond realizes that he has to give Ekonomikz and Charlie (who have recovered from blowing themselves up) a turn in the studio, or else his and Locke's honkey style could disrupt the electromagnetic flow of the island. Locke locks the door to the studio as the hatch begins shaking, signaling that their recording time is up. He refuses to go, which causes the hatch to shake more violently. Desmond travels through a secret trap door in order to save the island, arriving at a key hole with the label: WARNING! Do Not Activate! Will End Hatch Story Arc! Desmond hears Penelope's last word to him, and her popular catchphrase during The Widmores! "Desmond, don't forget you have to jiggle it a little."

After Desmond turns the key, the sky turns white (the same color as the crackas in the hatch) and the island rumbles. A large object land near Claire and she sees that it is a large snowflake, in fact, the sky is covered with them. Desmond was right, the island is a snowglobe. The hatch is assumed destroyed, although Charlie walks out of the jungle unscathed and begins flirting with Claire as if nothing happened. With a newfound confidence, Charlie is speculated to have taken on Locke's characteristics and wants everybody dead.

The season ends with Michael and Walt leaving. The Udders putting potato sacks on the survivor's heads, and Charlie finally getting some Claire action! We then see two Lost fanatics in their parents' basement. They are both on Lost forums and are reading over equations and notes they have been making since episode 1. Finally, one of them exclaims "I know where the island is!" The other responds "Excelsior!"

Season Three

"The episode for people who haven't been paying attention"

Previously on LOST, three survivors were captured by the notorious Udders at a surprise party, a giant stone foot is standing upside down on the beach, a rapper, a scotsman and a man contemplating murder (of just about everyone) are all trapped in the wreckage of a recording studio, and the lead in a long running sitcom is looking for her husband. Will any of this ever make sense? Probably not, but since everyone's favorite spiritual successor to Gilligan's Island has returned, let's get you up to speed.

The story begins with Desmond. He's gay, and crashed on the island only to meet up with his life partner to be, Kelvin. Together, they are the Ghostbusters of the South Pacific. Meet John Locke, he looks like Mr. Clean, and crashed on the island with his fellow members of the Survivor Squad. But they aren't alone on the island, there are beavers, dinosaurs, fish, dolphins, and even grizzly bears. Apart from these fauna, the island is also host to a gaggle of disembodied Udders with nothing better to do with their time but harass all the aforementioned denizens of said island.

Locke and Desmond meet for the first time when he breaks into the hatch (think underground bachelor pad) and hit it off quick. Kelvin, the other gay guy you heard about, had been dead a long while, not to mention he was evil. Desmond murdered him, and decided to find himself out at sea, but would inevitably return to the island (he left his keys).

Mr. Ekonomikz (rapper and father of hip-hopera) happens to find a recording studio in the hatch, and sings nonstop for his newest album Trapped in the Island. He's about to discover, however, that his hatch isn't the only one on the island. What's special about his hatch, is that there's this button you have to press every quadrillion seconds or so. No one knows what it does, but it's a safe assumption it has something to do with shower water delivery. Locke was curious, and upon discovery of a second hatch with live feeds to every shower on the island, was convinced he shouldn't press the button anymore.

One thing led to another, and Desmond blew the recording studio sky high. Charlie, who was there at the time, escaped unharmed, although Mr. Ekonomikz, Locke and Desmond are still MIA. Hurley, Jack, Sawyer, and Kate were invited to a party by the Udders, but of course it was a trap. Anyway, they let Hurley go, they didn't have enough rope to tie him up. The season ended with two Lost fanatics, hunched over their computers on a cold winter's night, one exclaiming "I KNOW WHERE THE ISLAND IS!" The other responds "Exelsular!"

"A Tale Of Two Titties"

We go back in time and see the Udders enjoying around of golf and a tea party when a falling plane very rudley interrupts their good times. Henry V, (then commoner, Ben Franklin) tells Ethan and Badwin to go tell them to keep it down, and gather some information if they have time. We then zoom out to see that the Udders live in a place called Wysteria Village.

We then visit Jack, Kate and Sawyer in their respective prisons. Jack is in a metal room, being taunted by talking sandwiches. Kate shares a shower with Tizzom, Henry V, Ms Clue, Alex and J.J. Abrams. Sawyer is trapped in a maze, racing against a young boy for a piece of cheese. Sawyer looses when the boy cheats, and zaps him, and the boy wins his freedom. The boy quips, "gg no re."

In flashbacks, we see Jack more of Jack's marital and father problems. Well, not more of them, just the same stuff again. Also, Sarah wasn't cheating with anyone of significance. Charlie thoroughly enjoys this exciting flashback.

Kate and Sawyer team up in an attempt to get the cheese, and Jack destroys those nasty sandwiches. None of the other losties are seen in this episode though. They are presumed celebrating their freedom from the tyrannical Jack with an Udder style balloon orgy.

"The Grass Roller"

Sayid, Sun and Jin are still waiting at Dock 49 for Walt's birthday party to begin. Sayid begins to suspect that there might not actually be a party, and that it might just be a plot by Jack, Kate, Sawyer and the Udders to prove how not cool they are. To get payback, he decides to return the boat they bought for Walt as a gift. Unfortunately, he used the receipt to help start the fire.

In flashbacks, we see Sun snap and kill her maid as a child. As adults, Sun's dad orders Jin to kill Sun's dealer, as he recently discovered has been ripping him off for several years by instead selling him lawn clippings. Fortunately, Sun accidentally throws him out a window during a particularly kinky love making session.

Sayid plans to capture some of the Udders, and torture them until they promise to adore Allah and invite him to their parties so he can prove once and for all to Jack that Allah is really cooler than the Christian God. The Udders refuse, but offer to buy his boat so that they'll have money for bus fare back to camp. When Sayid returns to the camp he begins to enlist an army for a Jihad against the infidel Udders.

After a hard day of asbestos mining, Kate and Sawyer wind down by having sex. Ben, who has been spying on them, decides to make a quick buck by releasing the video over the slowglobe net. He also shows it to Jack, who is so excited by it that he agrees to marry King Henry and become the princess of the Udders.

"Further Reductions!"

Locke wakes up the the jungle, confused and alone, with only a slight recollection of the events which took place in The Hatch's recording studio the previous night. All he can remember is Desmond turning the key, causing PARTY TIME in the hatch to kick in somehow, rapping until he lost his voice, and Desmond getting naked at some point. He swears he'll never drink again.

Locke goes to several people on the island to help him get his voice back, but surprisingly most people prefer it when he can't speak. Charlie says he'll help him, as long as he gets to see Locke punch himself in the face afterwards. Locke - communicating to Charlie via an etch-a-sketch - says that he thinks getting stoned might help, but says he'll be in big trouble if he's caught, so needs Charlie to be a look-out while he does it. Charlie agrees, despite being very against drugs in general, because seeing Locke punch himself in the face is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity not to be missed.

In the flashbacks, we see Locke picking up hitch hikers in order to enslave them and make them work on his secret drug plantation.

While getting stoned, a vision of Bono appears to Locke. After an impassioned plea asking him to help the starvin' children, Bono takes Locke back to that one time when all the Islanders played "Airport", and then tells him that he needs to find Mr Ekonomikz. After being reminded who Ekonomikz was, as he had forgotten all about him, Locke goes out to find him. Charlie tags along, as he has nothing better to do.

After following Ekonomikz' trail for a while, Locke and Charlie come across Hurley wandering through the jungle naked. Locke takes one look at him and stabs him in the chest. Fortunately all the layers of fat Hurley has protect him from any harm, and after a few "Dude"s and "Whoa"s he goes off back to the camp. Locke and Charlie follow Ekonomikz' trail to its end at the mouth of a cave. Locke equips a knife, a flamethrower, a handgun, a machine gun, an ax, grenades, a SpartanLaser rifle, and a spork (just in case) and enters the cave. Charlie stays outside being useless, just in case. Locke finds Ekonomikz in the cave, but half eaten by a mutated teddy bear from in "The Udder 69 Days" when the children that everyone forgot about were walking past. Locke, relishing the opportunity to kill something at last, wrestles with the bear for a good hour, finally killing it.

Hurley, meanwhile, comes across Desmond, who is still naked, and was too wasted the night before to remember where he put his clothes. Interestingly though, he can remember everything that is about to happen. He asks for some clothes, but all Hurley has to give him to wear is the tent he keeps for emergencies. They go back to the beach, and meet up with Locke and Charlie who are helping Ekonomikz back to the beach, where he is welcomed back with much apathy.

Locke gives a speech about how awesome their night was, and how he is clearly the better rapper than Ekonomikz, given the state he's in. The episode ends with Hurley mentioning something about a glitch in The Matrix.

"Every Conman for Himself"

Sawyer comes up with an incredible plan to get him and Kate free of the udders' cages, comprising of him electrocuting himself. Kate doesn't see how this will help anything, but Sawyer insists on it, apparently ignoring the fact that one of the "top ten rules for escaping prison cells" is to never electrocute yourself. When Henry V comes along to check on them, Sawyer attempts to put his plan into action, and electrocutes himself. Nobody is surprised that this brilliant plan fails.

Sawyer later wakes up on an operating theatre table, with surgical scars all over his body. Henry V comes in to say hello along with his pet rabbit "8", which he presently kills as is Udder tradition. Henry tells Sawyer that they have installed a Dhamra Heart-Exploder™ in him, which has been set to trigger at an important part in the plot yet to be decided, probably just as he's about to escape, or sleep with Ana-Lucia again (although in the latter case, one may well want to die afterwards).

Jack is rudely interrupted from his sleep by Juliet, who wants to play "doctors and nurses" with him. Jack tells her he's not in the mood, but she insists and they go to practice doctoring on a volunteer udder. Unfortunately, he gets far too into the game and ends up killing the udder. Even more unfortunately, that volunteer was the wife of the udders' second in command. Who is not best pleased.

Once he's been taken back to the cages, Kate tells Sawyer that she has discovered she can escape, as her door has been unlocked the whole time and she never thought to try opening it. However, Sawyer has grown quite accustomed to his cage by now, and decides he'd rather stay in this time. Kate says she wasn't really in the mood for escaping anyway, and would much rather just get naked.

Later on, Henry V decided to take Sawyer for a nice walk up a hill. They take part in some fun games on the way, including a Steinbeck quote-off. However, just as they were going over the crest of a hill which Henry affectionately refers to as "the important plot point hill," Sawyer's chest gets painful very suddenly. Henry tells him that the important plot point has been reached and that Sawyer's heart will now explode. Sawyer curses him, but wonders why nothing is happening to him. It turns out, to everyone's amusement, that Sawyer is in fact a heartless bastard, literally, so there was no heart to explode in the first place. They all have a jolly good laugh about it, and someone mentions on the way back that they're actually on a different island now, Alcatraz.

Also, whilst doing some ghostbusting on the beach, Desmond discovers that he is in fact psychic, and it's not just that Locke's speeches are all the same.

In flashbacks, we learn that Sawyer was, in fact, Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption. He escapes from prison by telling the warden all of the secrets behind the island. The warden promptly released Sawyer before returning to his basement to discuss his discoveries on forums. We also learn that Sawyer had a child with Walt's cousin's mother's boss' child's wife's doctor, who bumped into Sayid in a store once. This revelation was followed by the sound of several fanboys shouting "O SNAP!!!!111"

"The Cast is Leaving"

While recuperating from the hatch, Ekonomikz decides to watch a Lost clip show. Not because he wasn't paying attention, but because this is a special 3D edition. Unfortunately, the 3D images set fire to Ekonomikz's tent and his TiVo recommends going to the drug plane to see his death which airs in one hour.

Desmond recalls using the hatch's computer to chat on MSN with a boy screen named OtherWalt815 and believes they can use the Squirrel's computer to talk with Jack, Kate and Sawyer. Locke thinks this is a good idea as he believes Mr. Ekonomikz is up to the same thing, Ekonomikz being a priest and Walt being a young boy.

Ekonomikz comes across the monster and some of his homies and quickly gets into a terf war. Ekonomikz once again uses hip-hopra to save his life, but notices the monster is starting to find it catchy.

In flashbacks, we see more of Ekonomikz's time in the hood, just after Yemi left to tour England with his rap group, U2. Ekonomikz tries to start his own group by leeching off his sibling's popularity, but encounters future members of the monster's gang who insist 20% of his earnings. Ekonomikz leaves the hood in disgrace after parents start forbidding their children to buy his albums because he has a bad influence on their social skills.

Meanwhile, Jack attempts to watch some classic films, but is annoyed to find out that Juliet has taped over them and given away the endings, particularly one entitled "Ben's Tumor". He questions whether or not he should still watch it, it is supposed to be really funny.

While Locke, Desmond, Sayid, Paulo and Nikki enjoy some more voyeur films in the Squirrel, Ekonomikz steps outside to practice some new lyrics, and is quickly gunned down by the monster in a drive-by shooting. Locke comes to help him, only too late and tells the other's Ekonomikz's last words: "Don't ever appear on Regis and Kelly or you're gone. Also, pay attention to the speed limit in Hawaii, or you'll be next".

"I Don't"

Jack reveals to Ben that the writers of the show are considering killing him off because he’s starting to annoy the viewing audience. Ben begs Jack to perform an emergency character transplant operation, but Jack refuses, then laughs in Ben's face. Juliet finds this fairly amusing and laughs along with Jack, then makes out with him right in front of Ben. This further annoys Ben, who then breaks down into tears and starts sulking in the corner.

In this episode's flashbacks, Kate opens her door and instantly falls in love with the officer who had come to arrest her, escaping capture once again. This finally ties up loose ends and eradicates any doubt the viewers had about Kate being a slut. Several months later, she disguises herself as a Hindu and takes part in an arranged marriage service. By pure chance, her husband-to-be is the officer she had fallen in love with previously. The two can then live happily ever after, once Kate has called her long-term stalker and informed him that her new husband has ten inches. The stalker conceeds and never bothers Kate again. However, after a further ten minutes of marriage, Kate reveals to her husband that she used to be a man. When he tries to get up, she breaks it to him that she also stabbed him in the neck seventeen times while he was looking the other way. At this point, he dies. Kate puts on his clothes and assumes his identity, then runs for the hills.

Back in the middle of nowhere, Locke heads off into the jungle hoping to get one last bit of pleasure from Ekonomikz’s stick. Sayid follows along because it’s ages since he’s had a flashback and wants some attention by clinging onto one of the major characters. Locke says he believes Ekonomikz died for a reason, but he doesn’t know what it is. Sayid informs him that Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje requested to be written out because he wanted to move back to London, which Locke agrees is the reason for Ekonomikz dying. The two then link arms and skip merrily back to Desmond, who is trying desperately to have a premonition of Nikki and Paulo doing something interesting, but he is struggling. The five survivors hide Ekonomikz’s body so nobody suspects them of being involved in the drive-by and attempt to nail it down with Ekonomikz’s stick, when Locke notices that an additional Biblical quote has been scribbled onto it in biro. The quote reads “Lift up your head and look north, then walk a few miles that way. Take the second path on your left, follow it around the bend past some caves and that should bring you out at an undiscovered hatch”, which is referenced, coincidentally, John 4:8:15:16:23:42.

Kate and Sawyer are forced to mine for plot answers, but to no avail. Alex arrives on the scene, which confuses the Udders, because she lives in Paris and has no passport. She kills all of The Udders with just a peashooter and a water pistol, claiming that her boyfriend is sexier than Kate’s. After a long day’s work, Kate and Sawyer retire to their cages, where they are extremely tired and therefore have sex. Ben films the entire encounter and releases the sex tape throughout Dhesktopnet. It is this point of the show where Kate is believed to “choose” Sawyer over Jack and Hurley. Upon being shown the sex tape by Ben, Jack agrees to perform the character transplant operation, in return for the opportunity to be let into the cage and make it a threesome.

The following morning, Ben lies on the operating table as Juliet wheels in Rose – the doner, who will provide Ben with a boring personality which will, for some reason, never be written off the show. Soon into the operation, one of the Udders questions whether fountains of blood should have been spurting from Ben’s nostrils for the last fifteen minutes, to which Jack replies “no” and unleashes his karate expertise on The Udder. He exclaims that he has dissolved Ben’s bladder in stomach acid and wrapped his kidneys around his trachea, meaning that if he doesn’t operate within the next thirteen weeks before the show returns, Ben will die.

Meanwhile, Pickett once again attacks Sawyer for no reason. When Sawyer has a gun pointed on him, Kate tells him to unleash his karate skills, but then remembers that she is a slut and that was the guy she fancied last week. Sawyer offers himself to Pickett. Pickett points the gun on Sawyer and demands that he do the Charleston naked, which Sawyer willingly does. At this point, Pickett receives a text from Tom, who tells him Kate must call Jack or they will never be able to make sweet love to Ben again. Jack asks Kate if she remembers him reading the whole of Bad Twin to her on the day of the crash, then recites the entire book to her over the phone, just in case she doesn’t. Jack then tells Kate that the show is finished until February and she has a thirteen-week chance to escape. This leaves the audience in suspense, wondering just what tone of voice Kate will use to explain to Jack that they’re on a different island and therefore, cannot run.

Lost: A Survival Guide

A special documentary/clip show with advice by Lost producers on how to survive watching the series.

"Not Important"

Previously on LOST, the most immense cliffhanger ever written comes together.

In a dramatic twist, Kate decides NOT to tell Jack that his plan is shit, but rather to try and go with it anyway, so as to avoid hurting his feelings. Tom orders Juliet to stitch Ben up, but Juliet reminds him that they have to follow the script. Juliet hatches a plan to bring back Kate and Sawyer, ending with "even if you have to...rape them!".

Meanwhile, she has flashbacks to her life before she came to the island. She shows extraordinary medical abilities, as she is able to cross-breed her sister with a syringe. As a reward for her efforts, she is offered a secretary's position for a medical company, providing a $100,000 salary plus regular on-screen time in each episode. However, she messes up at the interview and creates a bad impression, by revealing that she wants her ex-husband to be run over by a bus, then electrocuted relentlessly, cut up and finally burnt to death.

The next day, during a conversation with her husband, he is coincidentally run over by a bus. The man who conducted the job interview then steps out of the bus, connects Juliet's ex to a power pack and turns the voltage right up. Eventually, he slices him apart, then pours gasoline over him and sets him alight. Juliet is suspicious that this death may in some way be related to the company she went for an interview with. Nevertheless, she agrees to the job, because the pension scheme they offer is just too good to refuse. However, she then finds out that the company is not based in Portland after all, but somewhere more remote. She is last seen being driven to Nebraska.

Back on the island, Kate and Sawyer come across Alex. She reveals that she is in fact a mermaid and will help them to get back to their own camp if they first partake in a kinky foursome with her and her boyfriend Karl. As the four head off to Karl's room, they find him watching porn movies - perfect for the occasion. After the four make love, they head off to the shore, where Alex reveals that she lied about being a mermaid because the foursome idea was too tempting to miss out on. However, she does have three tickets for a round-the-world cruise, that first stops off at "The Island". She can't go with them, because her passport hasn't come through yet.

Just then, Pickett arrives and is about to go on a killing spree, but Juliet plays the old "your gun shoots backwards" trick, to great success. Juliet gives Kate her cellphone, on which Kate calls Jack and recites the whole of Bad Twin to him, but this distracts him and he accidentally cuts off Ben's wang. Eventually, Ben is stitched up and saved. Jack asks Juliet why she suddenly wanted to save Ben, curious as to the deep meaningful reasoning behind it. Juliet tells Jack that she lost a game of scissors/paper/rock to Ben while he was on the operating table, with the clause being that she would then have to make a special effort to save him.

"Flashes Bore Your Eyes"

Locke, Sayid and Desmond are throwing a party to celebrate the death of Ekonomikz, so they invite Charlie and Hurley to liven things up somewhat, because let's face it, the three of them don't have a joke between them, bar Desmond's classic about the two snowmen. Just as the party is getting started and the chicks are about to arrive, Desmond gets a call from Claire, who says she might not make it because she's drowning in the middle of the ocean. Distraught he may not get a piece of her after all, he rushes to the shore and swims out to save her, but ends up saving Joanna Wolf by mistake, just before she drowns. Claire swims back to shore in her own time and ends up missing out on the party.

The party turns out to be a "lads' piss-up", according to Desmond. They're all so drunk that Charlie and Desmond end up in a fight over who is the better singer. At this point, the desperation in filling up episodes starts to shine through and the writers realise that it's about time they revealed something. So they trip out and come up with the rest of the episode.

Turns out, The Swan was actually a time machine and by turning the key, Desmond was transported back to the moment he was born. So the show doesn't miss out on a single sci-fi cliché after all. After living out his entire life again, he suddenly remembers that he's been here, done it and got the T-shirt. Some old biddy tells him to do as she says, or she'll kill him. Under her orders, he kills Penny and hides the body in the river, along with the 20-carat golden ring he got by taking a trolley to the jeweller store that he was about to give her.

Just as he is about to go wild and live a completely different life, he takes a hit during a game of cricket and wakes up back on the island. He notices that all his clothese are off and wonders how drunk he must have been the night before. Then he remembers that hasn't happened yet and this is merely a flashback, so the must have an underlying sexual influence. Despite the viewing audience blowing their brains out in confusion, Desmond seems to know exactly what's going on. Marty McFly turns up to tell Desmond that they've gone back to the future.

As the flashback (finally) ends, Desmond realises that Charlie is the only person left at the party and that everyone else left as soon as Desmond started smoking a bong. Charlie and Desmond play truth or dare. Desmond chooses "truth" and Charlie asks him what happened when he turned the fail-safe key. Desmond tells Charlie about the whole time travel issue, to which Charlie conceeds that both Desmond and the writers are completely out of it. Charlie then chooses "dare" and Desmond dares him to take some of the drugs. Charlie refuses, but Desmond lets slip that he's psychic for some reason and tells Charlie: "Whatever I try to do...you're gonna get high!".

As the episode ends, the viewers wish they could turn their fail-safe keys and transport back to watching season one of LOST, where there were no time machines. Some may disagree and try to edit this section, but editing the past is impossible. The universe has a way of course-correction. Not editing this page is the path that's chosen for you. You simply follow it. Think this paragraph is a load of shit? That's because it is. But the writers don't think so obviously.

"Strange Hair On A Strange Man"

For the 56th time since the show began, the episode focuses on Jack and his life before the crash. This time, he is on a beach in Thailand, stealing bottles of coke from a young boy. Whilst trying to build a kite, he meets a transvestite, who tells him he's too old to play with kites. The two go for dinner and sex, until "she" reveals that she has a gift...in bed. The two go at it for a while longer, until one night, Jack decides to go and get her name tattood onto his body, as a surprise. However, it turns out she works at the tattoo parlour and Jack expects discount, being a close friend of hers. Disgusted by this proposition, she instead tattoos a great big penis on Jack's arm. When next on the beach, the coke-seller runs to his father, who gets a bunch of people to go and beat Jack up for stealing coke.

Back on the island, Jack gets shoved in the cage where Sawyer was. He is about to "enjoy himself" when he realises there's a camera watching it. Cindy and a bunch of other people turn up to "watch", but Jack angrily explains that the show doesn't allow critics to watch the filming process and sends them on their way. He is later freed by Alexandera Rousseau-Franklin and runs to make a deal with Ben, in which he agrees to keep him healthy in return for regular monthly payments and a night with Juliet. Ben explains that Juliet isn't all that when it comes down to it. Jack remarks on the poor hygiene in the medical facilities, to which Ben replies: "We had an excellent cleaner Jack...his name was Ethan". The rest of the Udders are on Jury duty in New York. Alex rushes there to tell them that Juliet is needed for Jack immediately. Juliet follows along to Jack's cage after a public spanking by The Udders. As the two get down to it, Cindy and the children re-appear to "watch".

The Udders are about to sail back to the main island, when Izabel remarks on the giant knob on Jack's bicep. She says she finds it quite ironic, but Jack says it isn't to scale. As the boat sets off, Jack and Juliet stand at the front, re-enacting the scene from Titanic.

Kate and Sawyer finally make it back to the main island, with Karl, but Sawyer realises he won't be getting any more action with Kate unless they dispose of Karl. He tells Karl he saw Alex naked about a few miles into the jungle, so Karl runs off into the distance. Sawyer starts to undress but Kate says she can't because she feels too guilty about leaving Jack behind without even giving him a quickie.

"The Reporter from Family Guy is Dust"

First we see a young boy we are told it is Hurley but it cannot be him because he only has one chin, there is something unimportant about a car and his dad runs off to join a motercycle gang called DEVILS SPAWN, then Hurley eats a chocolate bar and the descent into the fat world begins.

Cut to a hobbit who has just slashed his own face, because he "wanted to be frodo!". He is all depressed about something that isn't important because it gives us no answers to the actual plot line of the story. Hurley slaps Charlie because he needed to snap out of his depression because Elijah Wood had to be Frodo as Charlie cannot act even though Elijah Wood wasn't any better. A dog then arrives with an arm.

Then they find two people in the van who are dead called Natalie and Nathan Workman.

Sawyer and Kate arrive early as the rest them were expecting them sometime in the late afternoon there all so shocked to see them they hug them and shit. Locke gets very angry because he had organized a party and he couldnt make any balloons. Kate says its ok because the french woman has some and she can blackmail her with her daughters life.

Sawyer then gets very angry with the hobbit, fat guy and mr kilt as they has stolen his vast selection of porn including a saucy picture of Rose he had taken from Bernard and they wont give is back as they have added it to there colection of naked pictures of the female castaways and they only need Nicky to complete there collection. Even though she has only been there a week, but she pretend she has been there all the time by saying she know were the food is and knows everyones names. Oh and they got the van working.

Kate finally finds the French woman and tells her 'give us the balloons and i will tell you were your daughter is!' Episode ends with that dramatic music they seems to love. Still no answers.

"Finishing 7th"

Kate wanders off into the jungle looking for the homeless french women to help help her find Jack, because she can reward her with a simple hot meal and not have to pay her. Locke decides to come along too, because after 7 epiosdes of saying he'll save Jack, he decides its about time he actually do something. Lastly, Sayid is invited just in case they need to suicide bomb any Udders they encounter along the way. Sayid's role is clearly the most important, so the episode's flashbacks go to him.

In the aforementioned flashbacks, we see Sayid working in a McDonald's in France. After hearing one too many American tourists quote Pulp Fiction, he snaps and has them all deepfried, turning them into McSoylent Greens. Another Arab turns up and tells Sayid that it is dishonorable to Alla to stop referencing one movie only to start referencing another and they only way to earn that respect back has something to do with a cat. These finally answer long held questions about Sayid.

Locke tells the others that in order to follow Ekonomikz's last words of respecting the Hawaiian speed limit, the only way they can endanger the lives of pedestrians is to use the legal street racing course, which just so happens to lead them to a new station: The Flaming.

As they arrive, a blind man walks out with a series of guide animals, including Sawyer's boar, Kate's horse, Jack's snail, Locke's antaelope, and Claire's rare african walrus. The man says that he senses people, and invites them in for a gay orgy. Locke declines on behalf of the group, saying that he has had enough of the pointless sexual events which drive the character's motives in this parody and that he will spam the crap out of this page if he reads anymore. Thats right Locke said that, not me.

The man identifies himself as Michelle and states that the Dhesktop Initiative was part of an unheard verse of Lemon Demon's the Ultimate showdown. They were completely wiped out by the udders and finished 7th, and as the only survivor, he decided that he'd rather play minesweeper online than try to escape, though he sucks at it and is never able to win.

Sayid reveals to Kate that he had a cut part on Heroes as that indian guys brother and that his super power was to be able to tell when someone is an udder. Upon further inspection, they find Ms Clue in the bathtub, clearly on drugs and lsitening to White Rabbit. She asks them to kill her when the song peaks, and Sayid points out that this is a reference to Fear and Loathing, and without a cat in The Flaming, he is forced to suicide bomb her so she will respect Alla. Sayid and the rest thankfully manage to survive. Michelle proposes they celebrate with a gay orgy. Locke then proceeds to beat the shit out of him.

"Par 4 8 15 16 23 42"

Locke and Sayid squabble over rotten fruit whilst taking Michelle with them to the Udders' town of Honolulu. Locke ties Michelle's laces together and pushes him forward, in the hope he'll trip up. As Michelle gets back up, Kate takes off her top to try and cool down, causing him to foam at the mouth and die of erotic overload. Eventually, they arrive in Honolulu, to see Jack there, making out with Tom.

The title is in reference to an epic game of golf being played throughout the episode.

Elsewhere, Claire has the idea of putting baby Aaron on the back of one of the seaguls, sending him off to warn the outside world about the crash. However, just as she's about to catch a bird, Desmond shoots her in the leg and says he thought she was a boar. The other Losties agree that Claire is in fact a bore. Desmond eventually catches a bird to make up for the honest mistake, then gets full of himself and starts talking about how Charlie couldn't have done it.

In Claire's flashbacks, viewers are stunned to learn that she is related to Jack. Yes, as predicted, she is his third cousin twice removed, just like everybody else on the show. Claire decides to leave her mother in the hospital bed, despite the fact she's dead.

"The Man Who Tapped A Horsey"

Sayid, Locke and Kate continue to oggle Jack make out with Tom, while Danielle decideds to ditch this party because there aren't any drugs. Locke says they should wait until midnight to rescue Jack, just so they can get one more episode to themselves before reuniting the survivors and giving everone equal screen time again.

In flashbacks, Locke sees a counselor about cutting his wrists. A boy comes to Locke's apartment and tells him he must break up their parents wedding because his mother's a horse and thats just sick. A week later, two police officers tell Locke that the boy was murdered and it was obviously his father, they just want Locke the confront him first. Locke turns up at the wrong hotel and instead walks into the room where Sun accidentally killed her lover in "The Grass Roller" and foolishly jumps out the window to try and save him. He falls eighty storeys, then gets up and slips on a banana skin, breaking his back and becoming paralysed. Being an emo, Locke blames the whole incident on his parents.

While Sayid and Kate cause a distraction by getting themselves captured, Locke walks into Ben's room, just to watch him sleeping... Ben wakes up and tells Locke to blow up the submarine. Locke tells him he's not there to save Jack, but to destroy the submarine. While walking Locke to the docks, Alex explains that her father has a habit of being misheard, but somehow people still do what he asks anyway. Danielle is seen spying from the bushes, presumably because Alex is a teenager and therefore can score her drugs.

After returning and telling Ben how his plan all along was to blow up the submarine, Ben and Locke go for a leisurely walk around the barracks. They lay on the grass and watch the stars. Ben points out a shooting star and tells Locke to make a wish. Locke's father appears before them, completely tied up and at their mercy, Locke's emo wish coming true. Locke also sees the very same banana that he slipped on all those years ago.

"XXX-posed"

In this fine episode of LOST, we take a break from finding out the source of the islands mysteries, to instead finding the contents of Paulo's pants. A series of flashbacks show us just how this mysterious object ended up there in the first place, and just how much the object is worth. It becomes apparent that Paulo had found a hatch before anyone else, much to his delight, but before he started to penetrate its dark exterior, he was stopped by Nikki. This greatly annoyed him, so he went again at night, and this time, he witnessed a shocking sex scene between Ben and Juliet. This turned him on so much he felt the urge to do the same to Nikki, and the next day he took her into the jungle. However, no sex scene on LOST comes without its ramifications, and no sooner than he had got his 'diamond bag' out, he was bitten by a venomous spider. Unknown to Nikki, this caused so much swelling that a prolonged fellatio session caused respiratory failure, and the two eventually dropped dead. They were found soon after by Sawyer and Hurley on their morning jog, who notice them reviving and bury them alive. Their plan to steal the diamonds to pay Kate to strip for them was foiled when someone threw the diamonds into the grave, in the hope of growing a diamond tree.

"Saggy Behind"

When Juliet serves Kate's lunch, with all the trimmings, Kate does not approve of the fact it is high in calories and challenges Juliet to a "best of three series girl-on-girl battle". Juliet agrees to it, but Kate tries to jump her and get an early advantage in the pillow fight round. Juliet turns the tables and knocks Kate down, making it 1-0 in the series. Juliet goes back to her corner, when Locke enters and is sad to hear that he missed out on round one. At this point, he reveals to Kate that he was caught speeding in Hawaii and has now been written off the show, so he is leaving. He leaves his mark by dropping a stink bomb in Kate's cell. She passes out.

Kate later wakes up, chained to Juliet. Juliet asks how they got there and Kate replies that it was obviously someone from Uncyclopedia, trying to set them up for a bondgage joke. Being secured to Juliet, Kate takes this great opportunity NOT to ask Juliet any questions about the Udders and what they do. Juliet starts teasing Kate, telling her that she has seen Jack's penis, without making it clear that she's referring to the tattoo on his bicep. Kate tackles Juliet to the ground and quickly wins the tickle fight round, after Juliet wets herself "for the fourth time". The score becomes tied at 1-1.

Juliet feels she was cheated and decides to go into the mud wrestling round without a break. Just as the two are about to go at it, the monster shows up and starts perving. Juliet reveals that she was carrying a chainsaw in her pocket the whole time and saws the handcuffs in half, then runs to get her stash of "monster repellant" and sprays it around. The monster eventually buggers off, then Kate and Juliet go back to find Jack and Sayid, so they can ask them who looks the hottest covered in mud. Jack chooses Sayid as the winner, to which Sayid explains that he is not covered in mud. Sayid says that Kate is much hotter than Juliet and for that reason, they may as well leave Juliet here, to boost their street cred.

"Just the Two of Us"

Jack convinces the survivor squad to bring Juliet with them, because an Other spying on the Losties might actually advance the plot as opposed to Jack returning to the beach and everyone living happily ever after. Everyone agrees except Sayid who will once again be pushed into the background. Meanwhile Claire suddenly comes down with a ticking sound coming from her stomach.

Sayid takes a moment alone with Juliet to interrogate her about how to remain a main character, causing Juliet to flashback to her own story of how she became a main character. While at the airport, Ethan sneaks up behind her and knocks her out with a piece of wood, Locke-style. Once on the island, Ben explains to her that women on the island get pregnant with fallen gods bent on world domination, like that one time on Angel. We also see her having sex with BadGoodwin, the day before the plane crashed.

Just before arriving at the beach, Juliet confess to Jack that she is a spy. Jack says that was pretty obvious and anyone who didn’t figure that out at the end of the last episode should be ashamed. After a happy reunion and a particularly cheerful greeting between Juliet an Sawyer, Jack takes a look at Claire's ticking sound. Juliet explains its her fault, part of her job involved placing explosive devices inside pregnant women to destroy their babies.

Juliet goes to retrieve her Jack-Bauer-Bomb-Defusal-Kit and is stopped by Sayid and Sawyer. She threatens to tell the world what Sayid does during all his offscreen time and to tell all of Sawyer’s fangirls that he is already married unless they release her.

After a tense red-wire/blue-wire scene, Juliet is accepted as a Lostie. But not before one last flashback. Ben tells her she is to spy on the Losties. When Juliet asks him what her cover should be, Ben tells her not to bother because it’ll be really obvious that she is a spy, and reminds her that anyone who didn’t figure it out should be ashamed, really ashamed, in fact, they should go jump off a bridge.

"Snatch-23"

Desmond has a dream that Charlie gets a part in the BBC's second series of Robin Hood and takes an arrow through the throat. Unable to tell Charlie of this horrible fate that awaits him, he rounds up Jin and Hurley, then tells them that Charlie needs friends right now. As the four go off "monster hunting" in the middle of the night, the one person who was smart enough to parachute out of flight 815 finally lands, after being held up a bit by the electromagnetic forcefield. Desmond puts two and two together, then concludes that it is most likely Penny, who wasn't even on the plane and leads everyone off into the jungle.

Unfortunately, it turns out that this mystery woman was given the mission of playing hide and seek with the other survivors, should the plane crash. Desmond goes to sacrifice Charlie in the hope that she will realise the game has gone too far, but has a change of heart at the last minute and decides that it would be anticlimatic if Charlie died in the same way he was shown to at the start of the episode.

Just then, the survivors notice the parachutist's neon red sign. They rush over and chainsaw down the tree that she has decided to build a nest in. As she crashes to the ground, Desmond removes her helmet and pants, then makes love to her, before noticing that it isn't in fact Penny after all. The woman opens her mouth to answer a question, but conveniently, she is too injured to speak a full sentence. No surprises there then. Once she catches her breath, she is able to mutter "Desmond David Hume, Hugo "Hurley" Reyes, Charlie Pace and the korean one". Turns out that it is Penny after all and she just caught a suntan on the way down.

"L.O.L."

Sun and Juliet go into the jungle to get Sun an abortion. Flashbacks reveal that Sun was a prostitute and Jin was a fisherman, and she blackmails him into working for her father or else she'll reveal of his ways and Jin will be extradited from the South Korean fisherman community. Desmond and the rest of Craphole's Angels attempt to wake up Nessa from Las Vegas to no avail. Suddenly, Jet Engine Guy walks out of the jungle having apparently survived after all. After translating Klingon, he walks away with Nessa's iPhone, but suddenly the Crazy Frog ringtone comes on and Des gets it back. Nessa then wakes up and then tells Hurley there are no survivors left of the Tail Section, all the bodies were found dead in Hawaii after DUI accidents.

"The Breg"

MIA Episode #3: Locke finds out that his father, the same man that sexually abused him as a child, is on the island. He cannot kill him, however, for Locke thinks that if his father dies in his hands he will never be molested again, vis-a-vis, the molested-child-kills-parents curse (this is one of the series' recurring themes). At the 815ers camp, Kate gang bangs everyone; male, female, child and dog and smoke. People think that this girl is a slag but the continuing slaggyness could just be down to a lack of love in her childhood therefore she needs to feel love by having as much sex as possible. As for me i just think she a filthy whore. At the others camp, Ben also gang bangs everyone. It is later revealed that Locke's dad is actually Jacob.

John and Jack are finally tied for flashbacks, but don't start celebrating yet...

"The Wizard Of Oz"

After Locke takes back his kidney from his dead father and sews it back to his own body using his uber-cool set of knives, he comes back to throw the rest of his father's internal organs at random udders. He then lays his father's body in Michail's arms so that everyone thinks it was him who threw the body parts at them, and all the udders start beating Michail senseless. While all the other udders are busy beating up Michail, Locke demands Ben to show him some magic tricks. Ben refuses, claiming he only accepts orders from Jacob.

Back at the beach, more time is wasted before the action goes back to Locke.

Ben and Locke arrive to the International House of Mojo. Inside, Ben starts talking to an empty chair. Due to time restrictions, the crew were unable to cast an actor as Jacob before the filming of this scene, so viewers are expected to assume that Jacob is there. JJ Abrams then enters the room, telling Ben to show some more emotion. Locke adds 1+1, and realizes that Jacob is in fact JJ Abrams! He then gets pissed at him for giving him such a piss-poor life story and tries to blind him with a flash light. JJ then tells Locke "Up yours!", orders his security men to throw Ben at Locke, and haves lots of fun watching the scene. Locke then runs away from the deranged JJ Abrams, and Ben soon catches up, telling Locke that JJ told him he prepared a "very special" surprise for him at the end of the episode.

While Locke tries guessing what kind of surprise JJ has for him, we take a glance at Ben's past. We see how he killed his whole family when he was a kid after playing too much Pong, and how soon after all of the Dhesktop Initiative people died by inhaling the smoke monster. Ben was one of the few who got spared by Smokey, by crafting a "Best Friends Forever" amulet and giving it to Smokey on his birthday.

Ben and Locke then arrive to a dumpster full of Dhesktop leftovers. Locke reminds Ben the episode is about to end now and he still didn't get his surprise. Ben thanks Locke for reminding him, pulls out a gun and shoots him in the kidney, causing him to lose it again. Locke curses himself for not figuring out that would probably be what JJ had in mind for him, and falls into the dumpster. Ben asks Locke what JJ told him back at the International House of Mojo, and Locke answers "Up yours!". Ben gets pissed and shoots him in the other kidney, and walks back to the other udders.

"Greatest Spits"

Jack takes the Losties out to watch a tree blow up, and explains that that this will slow the Udders as they will have to stop and plant new trees, being descendants of the Dhesktop hippies. Charlie's whinging finally pushes Desmond over the edge, giving him an in genius idea. He tells Charlie that if he goes and kills himself, everyone will be saved. Charlie agrees.

Lamenting his miserable existence, Charlie flashbacks to the five worst moments of his life. Hearing Alanis Morissette on the radio. His father trying to drown him in the bathtub. Being raped by two women (before being handed an "important ring", for the second time in his career). Being mugged by those two women moments later. And hearing Claire's annoying voice for the first time, after a plane crash which was considerably enjoyable in comparison.

Jack separates the Losties into three groups. One will change the transmission, even though Juliet explained that that has nothing to do with why they can't send out a signal. Meanwhile...Bernard, Sayid and Jin will fight an epic battle against the Udders, millions of times greater than those of the Lord of the Rings and the Matrix combined, although, as with the rest of this season, they still won't get any screen time. And finally, Sayid tells Jack that in order to get the signal to reach the ship, someone must go on a suicide mission. Jack assures Sayid that he won't let him do it, then tells Sayid that if he insists, then he can, despite Sayid not saying anything. However, they agree that instead, Desmond will go drown Charlie. Hurley offers to help weigh Charlie down, but Charlie explains that Claire is his girlfriend now, and they need to be together because that's what people want to see. Hurley/Claire sex scene.

Through a remarkable coincidence, the random spot at which Charlie chooses to drown himself is at a new hatch: "The Obvious Trap". Upon investigation, he is shocked to find that inside are the women who raped and mugged him, pointing guns at him.

Charlie's life is not the only one left in the balance this week. Millions of fans are on the brink of death as well, threatening to kill themselves if Locke does not return with a vengeance next week.

"Through the Windshield Made of Glass"

Part 1

The wait is finally over and the 72-hour long season finale is finally upon us.

It opens with a flashback, naturally. Jack is involved in yet another plane crash. He parachutes to safety, steals a car and makes a quick getaway, so that he is not suspected of carrying the heavy coffin on board that caused the crash. He places a brick on the accelerator and dives out of the car, leading the police towards a decoy, but before he makes his escape over the bridge, the plane he jumped out of crashes into his getaway car and all the pursuing police cars. Being the amazing doctor he is, Jack saves all 573 people from the wreckage single-handedly and is then knighted by the Queen of England for his bravery. It is later found out that he paid for the knighthood and shall be punished with pain of death! or a fine.

Back on the island, the castaways prepare for the battle to end all battles. The Udders raid the Losties' tents and, after a while, grow suspicious of the fact that each one contains only dynamite. Next, the plan springs into action, when Sayid shoots the first dynamite and Bernard shoots the second. Sadly, Jin misses Bernard, meaning the plan is not complete. The Udders' B-Unit comes from around the back, completing the Blitzkrieg attack and takes all three prisoner.

Part 2

Elsewhere, down in that weird hatch, Desmond is suspicious that, perhaps, Charlie was not able to complete the necessary mission of drowning himself and so goes down to investigate. There, he finds Charlie being raped once again, so he decides to perv in the cupboard. Just then, Mikhail appears from the water, having drowned, but not at "lethal depth". Charlie then makes a statement about signal jamming that confuses viewers, writers, actors etc., which sends Mikhail crazy. He decides to kill everyone, but Desmond shoots him with the harpoon gun he happened to be carrying.

Back on the main island, Jack and Rousseau lead the castaways to the radio tower, in the hope of pursuing new careers as DJs. Once they arrive, they find out that Ben and Alex actually live there. Ben politely asks Jack not to burgle his house. When Jack refuses, Ben calls Tom on the walkie, who informs Jack that Jin, Sayid and Bernard are being held prisoner. Sayid goes all emo and starts begging to be killed, so Ben puts him out of his misery and orders Tom to kill the other two aswell, because they don't add much to the show in his opinion. At this point, Jack gives Ben a Stone Cold Stunner, then drags him back to the Losties, who make him their slave.

Back at the beach, Tom scolds Pryce for being a horrendous shot and missing all three prisoners from point blank range. Luckily for the prisoners, Hurley runs out of the jungle, straight into Pryce, killing him instantly. Sayid uses caporeia on the pointless one to kill him, then Sawyer shoots Tom in the tits. Hurley radios to Jack to tell them everyone is safe. Jack was apparently unaware of Hurley's absence, which seems unlikely, considering his size. Jack and the rest of the Losties share a beer to celebrate winning yet another battle. Naomeee has a few too many and starts embarrassing herself, so Locke comes back and puts her to sleep. He says that luckily, Michael and Walt had come back because they'd forgotten Vincent and by cooincedence, found Locke, then helped him out of the ditch.

Down in the Looking Glass, Mikhail escapes, because the harpoon wasn't shot into a "lethal area of his heart". Charlie goes on MSN to find Penny exposing herself on webcam, in the hope Desmond would be there. Before Desmond can make it, Mikhail let's off a highly-explosive grenade, powerful enough to blow open a whole tiny window!(witch would be big enough for a hobit to fit through) Desmond locks Charlie in the small room to ensure that this time, he does drown. But just before he dies, he's able to hit a switch that re-opens the island for visitors.

After a set of uninteresting "flashbacks", where Jack became addicted to LSD, magic mushrooms and sleeping pills then started having bad trips, he meets Kate at an airport. Turns out, we were actually watching a...wait for it...FLASH FORWARD. NO WAY!!!! Jack and Kate did make it off the island after all. Jack and Kate go on to explain to the viewers everything that happened between what we last saw from the island and them being here. This is seen by many as a premature end to the series.

Season Four

"The Beginning of the Fourth Season"

At last, the beginning of the fourth season is finally upon us.

The episode begins proper with a flashforward in which what seems like Kate is in an epic police chase for stealing the polices copy of Maxim. The scene then cuts to someone in a room enjoying his morning screwdriver and watching the chase in progress, the camera pans up to reveal not Jacob but Jack who has grown an incredible beard from the day he escaped the island and today. The chase then begins to get rocky as Kate, thinking that she could crash her car through a wooden wall, crashes her car. The door opens not to reveal Kate but Hurley who has gone crazy since the last time we've seen him on the island. He then begins to run thinking that he's the Juggernaut bitch and that he can break that wall, but crashes and gets pushes against the wall against his will. He then begins to yell "I'M FROM THE ISLAND!!!".

Later on. We see Hurley getting interrogated by a smart-ass detective, he then suspects that he partnered up with Ana in an attempt to make him look more bad ass. Hurley denies any motion of meeting her, The officer then shows a tape of Hurley suffering from a bipolar disorder, which prompted Hurley to drive fast for no apparent reason. The officer demands to tell who he saw if he saw anyone, he naturally refuses just as the officer leaves the room. As he looks at himself at the mirror, it suddenly cracks with some mysterious water from above. Instantly flooding the room and threatening Hurley's life, when the detective comes back, the water mysteriously disappears and leaves Hurley crazy and deranged. Hurley decides to go back to the insane asylum to where he once belonged.

After this long flashforward, the episode jumps back to the island where Desmond and a few others join on the beach to discuss Charlie's final message, saying that the boat offshore does not contain any penises or virgins. Sawyer is about to warn them about the penisless boat when Sayid tells him to cover it up, saying that the survivors dislike the motion of a penisless boat and it would cause "The Beginning of Another Lost Season". Sawyer is about to warn the people when Hurley for no apparent reason throws the walkie-talkie into the ocean, rendering it useless. The group then begins to meet up with Jack's posse.

Later we see Hurley playing Connect Four with Leonard for a little of seven games when Hurley takes a TicTac. Hurley then sees someone in a black suit claiming to take him places he's never even imagined. Hurley then suspects something and asks for some identification, which the guy claims that he left it all at home (in reality, he threw it away), the guy then begins to talk about "them" (which suggest that he might be an udder). Hurley then begins to freak out and asks for the nurse to take the guy away but discover that he has disappeared into thin air, an effect of O.D.ing on TicTacs.

Back on the island, we see that Naomeee has vanished into thin air. Jack is hesitant to reveal this information to the public. Jack then tells Kate that John Locke Must Die! and sends a party back to the beach to kill Locke, while he and Danielle go off to find the always in-danger Naomeee, taking the special Ben along. The trail then ends, realizing that Naomeee tricked them by setting up another trail. Kate however, decides to take the iPhone and run like hell. Jack, being the bad ass that he is, went to track Naomeee on his own. Naomeee ambushes Jack and threatens to kill him unless he gives out information on why Jack attacked her. Jack explains that Locke is gone. Naomeee, using her hacking skills, unlocks the iPhone. She then gives a message about how she loves her lesbian lover and dies melodramatically.

Another Hurley specific flashforward reveals that someone can see Charlie. Hurley then sees Charlie and gets upset that he's supposed to be dead, but he has risen from the dead to give Hurley someone to talk to, but slips up on how he knew that he was going to die. Hurley, disappointed, begins to count to 5, while Charlie sighs at disappointment. At five, he opens his eyes to discover that Charlie is in a chicken suit.

Hurley is behind as the survivors left the beach earlier to avoid carrying dead weight, quickly finding what appears to be the International House of Mojo. He looks in the window and sees J.J. Abrams looking demonic, looking to spook Hurley, J.J. Abrams then appears in front of Hurley and Hurley gets away from J.J. Abrams, but finds himself stuck at the International House of Mojo. Using teleportation powers, he gets away from the International House of Mojo only to be discovered by Locke.

In another flashforward, we find Hurley playing basketball all by himself when Jack decides to keep him company. We then see Jack's newly grown beard and horrid basketball skills. Jack then tells him that he doesn't want him telling anyone about the gay sex encounter. Hurley suggests that he should somehow get back to the island as account of feeling homesick. Jack then retaliates against Hurley, cries and then leaves. It was earlier revealed that he wanted to crash on the island, regardless of who was on the plane.

Hurley and Locke rejoin Sawyer, Juliet, Benard, Jin, Sayid and Desmond where they compare theories on "NPB". When they are joined by Claire, Aaron, Rose, Sun, Alex and Karl. Making a total of 12 people, oh and some unnamed survivors. Hurley tells Claire about Charlie's sacrifice. Claire doesn't give two shits because Charlie tricked her into eating imaginary peanut butter. Danielle, Ben, Jack and Kate suddenly appear, making 16 people and dooming 10 people to obscurity. Jack then knocks Locke out to get his gun, Locke then says that he won't pull the trigger on the guys lovable bad ass. Jack then pulls the trigger discovering a piece of paper labeled "bang". Locke tells the Losties that they are in grave danger that they should go to the Barack Obama Hotel for shelter. Jack illogically denies the idea, just as Hurley speaks, telling them about Charlie's 3-word warning. Locke is joined by Hurley, Claire, Aaron, Danielle, Ben, Alex, Karl and Sawyer, who leave, ending this confusing scene. The final minutes are closed out when a mysterious chopper comes out of nowhere, we see someone parachuting out of the chopper, adding to the long, long list of Losties on the island.

"Unconfirmed Life"

The episode begins with the crew of Cloverfield 2 researching locations that the monster could have originated from when they come across a plane wreckage that reminds producer J.J. Abrams he has a show about a plane crash. Next we see the crew of the helicopter: Daniel Faraway, Miles "Tails" Prower, Charlotte Stapler St. Lewis, and Frank Thepenis, singing a rousing verse of Elton John's ' Tiny Dancer'. But as their helicopter begins to fail they instead confess their love for one another and bail out. The annoying nervous one meets with Jack and asks him his name. He answers Jack, thus ending last weeks cliffhanger of whether or not it is his real name.

In a flashback we see Danny watch the footage of J.J.'s discovery which upsets him because he was supposed to reprise his role as Robert Hawkins in the Cloverfield sequel, but J.J. Abrams turned him down, saying "You Danny are dead to me as Robby.". Danny instantly grabs some razor blades and slits his wrist, instantly becoming an emo.

Danny takes Jack and Kate to find Miles dead on the beach and Jack brings him back to life with his super doctor skills. Miles wants to know why Kate killed Naomeee, knowing Naomeee used the lesbian codeword as Naomeee is not a lesbian and he has the home video to prove it. He is about to bust out his ghostbuster skills on them when Sayid shows up and shoots him in the head, forcing Jack to resurrect him again.

Next we see Charlotte just hanging. While skinnydipping, Locke's crew shows up so Ben can steal her knowledge of ancient dinosaur polar bears. Ben then goes on about how everybody wants him, and then everyone takes turns beating the crap out of him when he wont reveal what the Cloverfield monster is.

As we see Frank watch J.J.'s footage in a flashback, we learn the pirate's last name was Norris, sending all the potential recap writers into a frenzy of Chuck Norris joke ideas. Speaking to the audience, he reveals he was supposed to be the pirate on the plane, dun dun DUN! We also see Lost's Creepy Black Man #3 telling Naomeee to recruit the basket case, criminal, brain, jock and princess for a secret "rescue" mission.

Finally, on the island, Frank crawls injured from the helicopter, even though he landed it fine and meets up with the rest of his crew, while Ben reveals that he has an Udder on the boat. ($100 says that it's Michael).

"The Ekonomikz"

Meanwhile on the island, Sayid is meditating by the chopper, but what's really happening is that Tank is uploading the chopper's pilot program into his head. Sayid then closes Naomeee's eyes and covers her with camoflauge, to indicate that Naomeee will not be missed. At the same time, he removes a metal braclet that says "Nigger, always be with you dawg. Drink RC Cola". He then sets off with Miles and Kate to get Charlotte. They first find Hurley tied up and trapped in the closet, and he tells them Locke left him behind because he was threatening Charlotte and Hurley tried to use complex words on Locke. The group then heads to Bens house, where Sayid finds massive amounts of cash and passports from various countries. Apparently, Benjamin has realized that it is all about the Benjamins, baby!

In the following flashforward's, we see Sayid playing non-island golf in a fancy country club. A man comes up to him and bets him he can hit his ball farther, for a wager of a golden slab. Sayid accepts, since he is now aspiring to be the next James Bond. Despite having won, the man tells Sayid to "keep the change" and runs for his life. Sayid then pulls out a gun saying "JIHAD MR. AVELLINO!" and kills him right at the spot. We later see Sayid in a cafe, where a hot German woman named Elsa strikes up conversation with him by saying "It's ES-presso, dipshit!" When Sayid asks her what she does, she says that she works for a revitalized Mr. Ekonomikz. Ekonomikz is working on a new album, and she's one of his hoes. Sayid and Elsa flirt and agree to have dinner later.

While Kate is searching Ben's bedroom though, Sawyer comes in and she immediately yells Rape 7 times. This is to no effect though, because John, Hurley, and Rousseau quickly come in and take them all prisoner. When John locks Sayid up with Ben, Sayid tells John that he does not trust Miles and his people either, and that if he brings Charlotte back - but leaves Miles - he will gain access to all the forbidden stuff happening on the freighter. While Locke indicates that he isn't willing to tell Sayid "Don't tell me who I can't trade" Sayid disbunks the quote.

Back at the chopper, Daniel calls Vagina on the phone and they start an experiment. Vagina launches a small dog tied to a rocket at the island. When it finally arrives, though, Daniel gets all freaked out because his clock and Einstein's clock aren't synchronized, and because the dog didn't survive the crash for some reason.

Another flashforward shows Sayid and Elsa having sex. Elsa drops the L-Bomb, but before Sayid can respond, Ekonomikz finally calls her on her pager. At this point Sayid sexily gets off the bed stark naked, and tells her "I'm going to kill Ekonomikz". Elsa realizes that her and Ekonomikz have a bond that cannot be broken - the power of rap. And when Sayid enters her bathroom, she pulls a gun out and shoots him, but before she can finish the job, Sayid gets his gun and kills her, and takes her bracelet that was just like Naomeee's.

Sayid arrives at the chopper, Frank accuses him of cheating but concedes when he remembered he owed Miles $10. Desmond arrives with Juliet to ask about Naomeee's picture of him, and there's a big dramatic moment like he's been gone for 10 episodes. Frank offers to take a fourth person along with Sayid and Desmond since they could dump Naomeee's body in the ocean, but they took the body and took off because no one wanted to go.

We then flashforward to see Sayid walk into a pet store that's open at 3:00am and filled with members of a spy agency, the best pet damn pet store in town! Sayid sits down and someone treats his wound and debriefs him. The camera then reveals that this man is Ben. "OMFG, NO WAI!". Ben tells Sayid that he has another person he needs killed. Sayid then explains that "they" know about him now, to which Ben merely smirks, pets his evil white cat and says, "Excellent."

"Egghead"

Locke wakes up and makes breakfast for Ben, who is being held prisoner in his own home. Kate goes to ask Locke where Miles is being held, but Locke says that he's the dictator in this dictatorship and if Kate isn't careful he'll kill her just like he did to the chicken that defied him. Then he puts on a Joseph Stalin costume to look the part. Kate then uses a trick from Scooby Doo to get Hurley to reveal Miles' location. Kate goes to see him and Miles says he wants a minute alone in the closet with Ben.

Back at the beach, Jack tries to call the boat, but Sayid, Desmond, and Frank think it would be funny if nobody answers the phone for a while. Dan is pissed that he can only remember 2 of the cards that he's staring right at, but Charlotte assures him that it's progress.

In flash forwards we learn that Kate decided not to listen to Miles' advice to stay on the island, and she was immediately captured and put on trial. At the trial Jack shows up and tells a made up version of what happened on the island just to further confuse the audience. After Kate wins the trial it becomes clear that she is keeping Claire in her basement, and raising Aaron as her own child.

Meanwhile Kate decides to watch Ben and Miles spend their minute in the closet, and gets so turned on by it, that she grabs Miles out, and does him right in the hallway. Locke and Sawyer rush in to get in on the action, but Kate and Miles have finished. Locke is so mad that he missed out on it he tells Kate to go home and then says he wants her to leave the land of Lockegrad by the next morning. The next day Locke goes to feed Miles but he realizes that he forgot to bring food, so he feeds him a hand grenade instead.

"The Contest"

The episode starts with the chopper en-route to the oil rig when suddenly a mysterious storm appears out of nowhere. The helicopter pilot, being the idiot that he is, flies into the storm and experiences turbulence. During that time, the storm threatens the chopper and it's crew. Suddenly we see Desmond or what we assume is Desmond wake up in Little Britan when suddenly a guy who yells a lot talks him. It is discovered that the entire time he was on the island, it was just a dream. While working on his perfect abs, he appears in the helicopter and panics for no reason whatsoever. When Sayid asks him what is he doing, it is discovered that he has amnesia.

The scene cuts back to the camp where apparently during the entire scene with the helicopter, an entire day has passed. The two girls are shown having a catfight on whatever or not eastern time applies here. When Dan tells everyone that eastern time does apply here, he then mentions that the clouds might make people have "side effects". We are then showed the chopper which has appeared to survive the storm, Desmond tries to commit suicide when the chopper pulls down to appear like it was diving into the ocean. Desmond appears to be holding a piece of paper of something and we finally see the freighter or ship or whatever. When the chopper landed, we see Sayid holstering a gun and Desmond shouting at random guys. These guys recommend that they take Desmond to the "secret room where we kill people". Sayid hesitates but these guys give them their word. As Desmond freaks out some more, we see him suddenly back in Little Brittan standing in guys doing crunches when suddenly he has to run with those men. A conversation reveals something about a boat where he describes it as an "OOBE". He then realizes that Penny was in the photo and goes to call her. After dropping his change, he tries to pick it up only to end up in the boat again. Desmond continues his charade of Amnesia and it's revealed that they're in the pacific. The men then leave Desmond inside a room for a "doctor" to examine them. It is at this time that Desmond meats another guy that has amnesia.

Sayid is outside wondering about everyone on the boat, but especially Desmond. When the bearded guy comes to talk with Sayid, they say that they "do not know" what's wrong with him. Sayid wants to call the island but he wants the gun in exchange. And so, an exchange was made and Sayid receives and iPhone, Jack receives a call and is notified that Sayid has Amnesia. During that time Daniel says that people getting out of the island become confused as hell and that they are not having Amnesia. We see Desmond seeing the man unconscious, when he appears to be conscious he says he's been on a ferris wheel. When the doctor comes in, he tranquilizes him with a magic liquid and magically falls asleep. As the doctor checks up on Desmond. We see that he's returned to Little Britan where's he finished picking up all the change, he then proceeds into the phone and dials Penny. Apparently she's freaked out that she's never seen him for so long and she tells him never to call her again. This is where Desmond returns to the ship and is seen having something when Sayid and that other guy comes in with a call important to Sayid. The doctor does not want him conversing with his patient when suddenly Sayid pushes the doctor to the wall triggering an alarm. Desmond then receives the iPhone and begins to converse with Daniel where Desmond does not remember taking off, he also mentions that it's 1996. You know, the age of the rising computer? Anyways, Daniel tells Desmond to go to Oxford University to find himself, which breaks the fiction of a Time Travel Paradox.

We later see Daniel looking for his journal when Jack says why he is in 1996. He says it's random. Daniel tells him to tell himself to set it to some magic numbers he knows, and if that doesn't convince himself. Tell him he knows about El Ron Hubbard, Desmond then jumps into the phone booth to do this mission. He then travels to Oxford where he meets Daniel for the first time where he explains that time travel is impossible, Desmond tells him about the numbers which doesn't convince him but at the last second tells him he knows about El Ron Hubbard. Daniel lets him into his secret room where he shows Desmond his research on time conscious where he shows a mouse running through a maze. Using complex algorithms, he tells him that it's a consciousness thing. After Desmond tells him that he's going to be on the island. Desmond appears back on the sick day where strapping young men are fighting over something when Ferity said that he wanted Desmond to have the iPhone, the doctor then said that Ferity that he couldn't even have an iPhone. The men then lock Desmond and Sawyer for an experience they'll never forget. Desmond tries so hard to get to the past but fails. It is revealed that his name was McKowsky and he's the communications officer. He said that the captain ordered him to ignore calls from Penelope.

We see Daniel working on how long Desmond was on the island when he suddenly gets back to the past (or present as we call it). Desmond sees a dead rat and Daniel tells him that it'll get harder to get back to the present. Daniel then reminds him that he's part of a contest, and the only way to win is to get Penelope's phone number. When he tries to cheat by dialing Penelope's old number, it is discovered that the number is disconnected. Desmond runs down the stairs when he trips and arrives the present. McKenley says, "welcome to the future". Desmond says that she needs to call Penelope but McKenley says that all the equipment is damaged and that they need to fix it in order to stop Desmond from being killed off. The group realizes that the door is open and they proceed to take McKengley to fix it, where they discover that his nose is bleeding. When they say that the coast is clear, Desmond appears in a stairwell in the same position he was before. We cut to what appears to be a live eBay auction going on for some book called "The DiVinci code or something, I dunno. An intense bidding war was ended when bidder "Not4815162342" won the first copy of this classic book. The bidder is revealed to be Widmore and he walks with him to the bathroom. Desmond tries to talk him into giving out Penelope's new phone number(also sneaking a sly look a Jim Robinson's penis) , but he says "No cheating in the contest, here's her address. Good luck trying to get the number." When Desmond asks why he hates him so much, he says "I just do." As he goes to turn off the water, he appears in the present time. While walking up to the communications deck, it is revealed that these people were bored as shit and they wanted to see the island. But as the storm got intense, they had to go back. That other guy started being crazy and McKensley began to travel back and forward through time. When they approach the room, they discovered that it's damaged beyond repair. McKensley begins to have a seizure as Sayid begins to question what the hell's going on. Desmond realizes it's 2004 and his nose starts to bleed. McKensley dies of a seizure saying "I've lost the contest." and dies. Desmond realizes his fate is to die.

Desmond then appears back at the pass where apparently a flood has started to begin. Desmond successfully turns off the faucet, therefore stopping the Flood along with the Covenant and thus completing the fight in Halo 3. Desmond visits Penelope where he begs her to tell him her phone number, he pleads but Penelope denies wanting to be with her. But when he gives out the date "December 24th, 2004". She gives out the phone number in an attempt to drive him away. She gives her phone number and pushes Desmond out of her house. Back at the boat, Sayid is done fixing the communications and Desmond tells him Penelope's number, now it's only a matter of time before he picks up. Penny picks up the phone to which Desmond says Hi. Desmond tells Penny about her life on the island, and Penny then say that "You've won the contest" and that she knows all about his adventures by watching some show called Lost every Thursday Night at 8:00. Desmond and Penny then tell each other they love them before the phone cuts off. The episode ends with Daniel looking at his book when suddenly his book is different. When he sees the words, "You know, you're in a contest too you know." In which Daniel realizes that all this time he's been on a game show.

"The Udder's Bitch"

Charlotte and Danny sneak off unexpectedly in the middle of the night, and sensing that only immature sex jokes can come from this, Jack and Juliet go after them in order to protect this high classed Lost parody's integrity.

In flashbacks, we see Juliet building a sand castle in the office of the Udder's speech therapist, who then teaches her how to talk. Using her new found skills, she picks up BadGoodwin, whom attracts her with his burnt arm as she is a *insert technical term for someone with fetishes for burns here*. We also learn that Ben has a crush on Juliet from seeing Gia (who wouldn't?)and jealous, sends BadGoodwin on a suicide mission (he sends Ethan on a similar mission due to his jealousy over the fact that Ethan has mysteriously gained the power of invisibility in this scene). Upon showing Juliet BadGoodwin's dead body, Ben explains to her that he now owns her contract, as well as the contract of all the Udders due to a settlement reached to end the Writer's Strike under Section 4815.

On the way to the Temper Tantrum Station, Jack and Juliet go up a hill to fetch a pail of water. They find that Kate went tumbling down after Charlotte and Danny closelined her, thus breaking her crown. When they arrive at this new hatch, they open it as easily as they did all the others (bar one) and inside find Danny in a frantic game of DDR. Worried that his honkey dancing style could destroy the island (see Live to Get Her, Die At Home) Juliet attempts to stop him, but winds up in a cat fight with Charlotte that last 30mins of the episode. Danny shockingly wins with only 2 seconds to go (because audiences are so over that one second to go suspense). Juliet asks him why the island wasn't destoryed and after stuttering "Erm....ahh...it's" for a further ten minutes explains that he was disarming it, as Ben would have used his even honkier style to destroy the world. Then Jack and Juliet make out.

Meanwhile, in Eggheadtown, Ben tells Locke that The O.C.'s Caleb Nichol is Lost's Big Bad, back from the dead and planning a new series: The C.I. (The Craphole Island). Locke lets Ben out and then invites him to dinner. Then Locke and Ben make out.

"Jet Li"

This week on the freighter, Sayid and Desmond are led outside so they can be Taken to the Kaptin. While they're waiting for him, they find out that Vagina is the ship's love-slave - hence the name - and is dressed up in chains like Princess Leia as part of her daily routine. She slips on the deck though, and falls into the ocean to her death. The captain says not to worry though, because they can get another one very cheaply as soon as they fix the engines. The captain then shows them the black box from the supposed wreck of Flight 815 and about how they're out to find who could stage such an elaborate hoax and how. When Sayid asks why he's being so forthcoming, the captain says "Look, soldier! I don't know how they ran things over on your island, but when you're on my ship you get answers to mysterious questions RIGHT AWAY! There's no 2-season waits to find out! GOT IT?"

The doctor then leads the two of them to their room. It's on the deck where they take recently come-out sailors to pray the gay away. So when the doctor opens the room, they see a sailor shoot himself in the head and splatter blood everywhere. So the doctor calls over the janitor who is, waitforitwaitforitwaitforittttt....MICHAEL!!!

Meanwhile on the island, Sun decides that staying with the freighter people really is a bad idea and tells Jin she wants to go to Locke's camp. But Juliet knows Sun needs to get the hell off the island or she'll die. So, Juliet goes to Jin and gives a long, explicit, X-Rated synopsis of everything that Sun did with the bald guy. Right down to the tiniest hot steamy detail. She then explains to Sun how she's going to die in a very similar way. But Jin soon forgives Sun, and Sun decides to leave the island instead.

Off-island, we see flashforwards at 2 different intervals. In the first one, we see Jin in a toy store, and he buys a big stuffed panda. But some dick bumps into him, crushes his phone, and steals the bear, and that makes him a saaaaaaaaaaad panda. So he goes back to get another one, but they're all sold out and that makes him a saaaaaaaaaaad panda. So he pays more to get someone's preordered one, and goes to the hospital. There, he meets the Chinese ambassador, who is recently a grandfather. Jin starts giving the panda a pretend-voice saying "I'm Start-Business-with-Paik Panda! And you should start doing business with Paik Industries or I'll be a saaaaaaaaaaad panda!" But the ambassador shoots Jin instead and declares war on Korea. In a later flashforward, Sun has her baby and goes to visit Jin's grave. She says that she named their daughter Jet Li, just like Jin always wanted - whether it was a boy or a girl.

"Michael Strikes Back"

We start off at a very upper-class party that John is throwing in his bathroom - red shirt not permitted. Miles has finished eating his grenade and is willing to cooperate, but laughs at John because Ben obviously has him eating right out of his shoes. Back at the ship, Captain Morgan is making sure everyone knows that he's the Alpha male around here by beating off and beating up random SeaMen.

Sayid and Desmond demand Michael tell them just what the hell he's doing here. We then go to an entire-episode flashback, where we see a very depressed Michael ram his car into a wall to kill himself. This is ineffective though, and Jerry Seinfeld visits Michael in the hospital to say "Your life isn't any better, because here's one more thing that you suck at!". Libby also visits him as a vision, and he screams because he thought she was gone for good - he killed her for a reason and was enjoying his Libby-less Lost.

Tom then shows up somehow, despite not being able to leave the island in Season 3. We then see that the writers took Uncyclopedia's jokes to heart, and revealed that Tom actually is gay - as accurately predicted in his character profile. He says Michael can redeem himself if he infiltrates the ship for Ben. So Michael takes a job as a janitor on board, where he and the audience agree with Miles that yes, Naomeee is pretty hot. Later, tired of playing Russian Roulette with machine guns with the other guys, he tries detonating a bomb Tom left for him, but the bomb is actually a fake and a flag pops up saying “APRIL FOOL”.

Back at the island, Alex, Danielle, and Karl are on their way to the Temple station, but Karl's Nalgene suddenly explodes. Since he was raised on the island and doesn’t know anything about anything, he doesn’t realize how much f***ing force that would take and is too distracted to see his personal bullet coming. Danielle is shot too, Alex is left to surrender, screaming "DON´T SHOOT! I´M JUST AN ACTRESS!", and we’re left to wait to catch up to the writer’s after their strike (to find out if she would get it in her head or in her heart).

"The Shape of Dirty Things"

On the beach, Jack starts taking heroin from Charlie's old stash to pass the time, while Kate informs him that he could really trip balls if he just ate a whole bunch of poppy seed crackers. Speaking of crakers, Jack hears Rose's craker husband screaming for help and Vincent barking, and thinking Vincent has finally snapped and is mauling people he goes to watch. Unfortunately, all he finds is a dead body, which Faraway identifies as the boat's doctor. An autopsy reveals he died of decapitation.

At Eggheadtown, Hurley, Locke and Aaron are playing Halo online at a wild party. The phone rings and the boaties answer, who say that they are angry for not being invited and plan on calling the police to have the party shut down as revenge. Sawyer runs to find Ben whose band "The Rules" is playing at the other end of the complex. Along the way all the red shirt Losties pass out from having their drinks spiked with roofies. The boaties unleash a barrage of fireworks at Claire's house, which causes her to pass out from the shock of finally being included in season 4. Ben hands out some escatacy tablets hidden in hiskeyboard and tells everyone to plant them on the boaties, so as to frame them for the party so that the police will arrest them when they arrive in 30 mins.

In flashforwards, Ben wakes up in the middle of an Arabian villiage, and startled, starts beating random people. He goes to an internet cafe where he witnesses a video of Sayid asking people to "PLEASE LEAVE NADIA ALONE!!" Ben tells him that a man named George W. Bush, Jn is responsible for his wifes death. Sayid confronts him in alley and shoots him several times, throws the gun at him, kicks the corpse twice, then urinates on it, all for good measure. Ben gets a cheap laugh from all this, and asks Sayid if he would like to do this again sometime.

Keamey calls Ben and says that they're with Alex, who was invited, so they should be allowed. Ben denies that Alex was invited so Keamey shoots Alex in the head (solving the which-part-of-Alex-will-be blasted-off-mystery from previous episode). And around the world every male Lost fan over 40 who lives either by themselves or with their parents hangs themselves, no longer having a reason to watch the show. Alex was supposed to sing back up, leading Ben to exclaim "He broke-up 'The Rules'". Ben decideds that the party is no longer worth saving so he calls the smoke monster who gets FUCKING WASTED!!! with the boaties while every one else slips out the back just before the police arrive. Ben, Hurley and Locke, decide to go to the nearby club called 'Jacob's Cabin' while the rest go back to the beach as its waaaaay past their bed time.

Back at the the beach, Jack, sick of Faraway's stuttering, beats him until he says "Fine! We're not going to rescue you now! Nyeh!" Just as Jack goes into labour.

In one last flashforawrd, Ben sneaks into Caleb Nicols apartment and the two of them get into an argument over whether the island should continue being used for Lost or for Caleb's O.C. spin-off. Then Ben and Caleb makeout.

"Some Nice Buttered Scones"

As Jack goes into labor, Juliet informs everyone that they will need to perform a C-section, as this is a TV birth and all TV births must have complications which require a C-section. She sends Sun, Jin and the two villains to The Pole station to get the necessary equipment. Once there, Daniel reveals he likes Charlotte, Charlotte reveals she can speak Korean, and Jin threatens to reveal to Daniel what a badass he is if they don't save Sun.

In flashforwards it is revealed that even in the future Jack is capable of having boring marital and father issues. He and Kate go on Maury Povich where a DNA test reveals that Kate is not the mother. We also learn that Jack is a Red Sox fan, and that is the only reason that he is still alive.

Back at the beach, Bernard has helped Juliet prepare Jack for surgery, as dentistry and fertility are both just steps away from surgery in the medical field. Jack exclaims that as a super-doctor, he can perform the surgery on himself. Bernard then beats him unconscious, tired of his gloating.

A successful surgery reveals that Jack was not pregnant after all, and was only gaining weight due to eating way to many buttered scones in the previous episode, mistaking them for crackers. While inside him, Juliet checks his heart, where it is revealed that Jack really loves Kate. Juliet teases him about this when he wakes up.

Meanwhile, Sawyer, Miles and Claire discover Rousseau and Karl had survived their shooting, and tug trenches in the ground to avoid being shot at, which had then caved in, burying them alive. Claire leaves Aaron with Sawyer and chases off after a vision of her dad in a futile attempt to be an important character again. NOTE: Throughout this episode, Jack´s name is used 4,815,162,342 times.

"Saturday Night Fever"

Locke, Ben and Hurley continue to make their way towards the club known as Jacob's cabin, determined not to let this party end. However, after a few hours Ben and Hurley start to come down, so they make camp for the night and decide they'll get wasted again tomorrow. Locke, being the badass that he is drops some acid by himself while the other two sleep and in a hallucination, sees Ben's old friend from that Dhesktop Initiative who tells Locke that he's going to a party at Jacob's Cabin tomrrow night to and that he can give them a lift, but they'll need to meet at his place.

Meanwhile on the freighter, Keamey returns and starts strapping mobile phones and iPods to his body in preparation for his return to the island. The captain explains that as a result of getting too wasted with the monster, Keamey has come down with a hightened case of 'Saturday Night Fever' and that all the equipment on his body is loaded with hot dance tracks, designed to help Keamey drink the moster under the table. Sayid goes back to the island to spare people from this fate, while Desmond stays behind because he's not as cool as everyone thinks he is. Michael also appears briefly, because, ya know, hes supposed to be a character on this show again so it needs to seem like he's doin' stuff.

At the beach, Keamey drops fliers over the Losties camp, telling them not to miss this wild event.

At the Dhesktop mass grave, Locke is disappointed to find that Horace can't go out and tear it up with them, as he's been dead for twelve years and Ben tells Hurley that he once peed in the exact spot where Hurley is sitting.

Throughout the episode, we see flashbacks to various stages of Lockes life where Richard The Sexy Immortal Udder and Creep Black Guy #3 tell Locke he's special, which we already knew, but hey, there'd be a fan uprising if they went a season without doing a Locke episode.

Later thant night, the group arrives at Jacob's cabin, where they find that Christian and Claire have already gotten the party started. Christian tells Locke that Jacob has a sex appointment with the smoke monster the island is sentient and that in order to save it from the massive party showdown between Keamy and the monster, they need to convince it to help them by moving it emotionaly. Meanwhile Ben and Hurley share some hash brownies and then makeout.

"Eso es todo! Estamos matando a la isla!"

Part 1

At last, the season finale is finally upon us.

The episode begins on what appears to be a plane carring some precious cargo. The scene then reveals that the helicopter is taking the Lost crew to the ABC studios for the filming of the Lost movie. The crew has second thoughs about being the Oceanic Six and that they're all in shock. Jack says "This will be easy". As the plane lands, we see the emotions of everyone about the outside which is packing with famous celebrities. As they go hug their celebrity, Jay-Z included. Kate wonders why she doesn't have a celebrity. The scene flashes back to the island where they are preparing to track the helicopter to whereever it's going. The scene flashes back to the island where they're trying to figure out wether Sayid and Desmond were on that chopper. Daniel then does something and hears that they're heading to the Island's Orchids Gardens. Jack doesn't know that the island had an orchid garden. Jack takes Kate to kill some pilots while someone reminds him that he just got drunk. Jack reminds her that he has to do this because he's tired of being on the island. Daniel then worries about the second SGN protocol and reminds everyone that something bad is going to happen and they have to get off of this island within a few seconds.

The group then travels to where the chopper landed when all of a sudden. We see Jack drunk, and Jack lies about being drunk. When somebody suspicious comes through the bushes. We learn that it's the same asian guy from before and Sawyer carrying Aaron. It is revealed that Claire has suddenly disappeared without a trace. Jack then reminds Sayid that he's using the iPhone to track where the chopper landed. Sawyer then calls him the new Udders and said that they tried to kill him. Jack is focused on getting off of that island and ignores every word of Sawyer. He then says that it's his responsiblity and that he has to do it. Kate is then left behind and Sawyer unwittingly follows. We then flashforward to what seems to be an awards show where they are being shown where they film the show. The Lost cast agrees to ask questions about the show. Someone asks if there will be a 4th Season, Jack says there will be in a confusing state, only giving out minor details. Somebody then asks why they look Handsome. Somebody asks Hugo if he want his money back. He undeniably says No and wastes all of the money on drugs. Sayid says that planes aren't the only thing he can go down on. Jin then says that his husband really did die on the Island. Kate then talks about the hot sex she had with Bernard and how she birthed Aaron. Everyone then deinies that there was nobody left on the island. When they are leaving, she says that there is a woman waiting to see you. In what appears to be a touching relationship, he has hot sex in the middle of the road with Ben's henchwoman. We then flash back to the island where Sayid has returned to the island to bring everybody off of the island. We then learn that Jack and Kate's fate are to die.

We then see what seems to be the A-Team going to The Island's Orchid Garden, which is actually a nudist colony. Ben says that the plants have the power to move the island. When suddenly he finds a box with stuff inside it. Some crackers, a mirror and binoculars. He then uses it in McGuyver format to communicate with the island. Ben then tells them that he told the island "None of your business", The scene then cuts back to what appears to be the bording factor for the boats. Sayid then leaves Daniel with the boat, and heads off to find Jack. Kate then tells him that he knows where Jack and Sawyers is and proceeds to give Aaron to the boat. She then runs off with Sayid and the boat travels out with the boat to places unknown to the cast. We then see Jin walking up some stairs in an orderly fashion, when somebody were talking about who stole their Monopoly fun money. Jin then tells her father that he ruins Jin's life and that he fully bought out his company, Jin's father then begins to cry as an 8-year old. She then tells him that she will have his baby and nothing can stop him.

We then see what seems to be Hurley's car parking at his mansion, when suddenly he seems to be inside a hallucination brought thorth to the island. When suddenly it is revealed to be Hugo's birthday, the party then goes really, really, smothly as he begins to flirt with Kate and Sayid. When his father interrupts him to show him his "Present" which is what seems to be Hugo as car, when he tries to drive the car. He sees the numbers on the car and realize that it's bad luck. He then runs away as the scene cuts back to the island, where Hurley is talking about the possibility of moving the island when he's curious about the guys with guns moving with the island. Ben then informs everyone to keep their heads down as they're at the Orchid. Ben then tells that he lied again and reveals that Charles Widmore's group is already there.

We then see the emotional triumph of escaping the island and heading to the freighter, Desmond then lets everyone on board and is reminded of Sayid's fate. We learn that the engines are online and that he can take the boat to the Island. But when something interrupts something on the boat. Desmond then goes to find out what's causing the boat problems when the boat decides to go somewhere else. We then see them heading to where the chopper landed when Sawyer notices Jack's shaved beard. He says it's awesome. When they finally reach where the helicopter landed, when they find a victim of rape. We then learn that he can fly them out of the island for some exchange of a little sex. When they learn that they have a little time to escape the island, they realize that Hurley is there and that he might be killed or worse raped. We then see Jack at his father's funeral saying and slandering his father. He then proceeds to tell the audience all about himself and his life as a doctor. We then see him leading all of the hot chicks out of the church then leading his own mom out of the church. We then see Jack flirting with Kate again, we also see him flirting with some old woman saying that he killed his father and that he came to see her hot young daughter. When Jack realizes he has a daughter and that he was on a plane that crashed into an ocean. He then begins to break down robot style. We then get something about Kate being beautiful.

We see Michael telling us how he got off the Island and how he wanted to help when we see Desmond calling out for Michael. We learn that the ship appears to be filled with TNT designed to blow up the ship should the series be canceled. We then see Kate and Sayid following him when we see someone in the bushes. It appears to be Jack. When Kate and Sayid appears to be hostile. Some people with guns surround him and begins to threaten their lives. Ben then comes up with a complicated plan on how to move the island which is too complex for this recap. Jack and Hurley are confused by his plan, Ben says he'll take care of the guards himself. We then see Sun walking out on the ship with Aaron, as Jack and Sawyer and his group come out with Sayid and Kate. We then see Ben holding his arms up as a deoderant. We then see Ben being hit over the head with a gun, possibly being dead. Setting us up for the second-part of the 3 hour series finale.

Parts 2,3 & 42

And so this is how the fourth season ends.

Last season, Jack screamed at Kate, causing an abrupt end to Lost. Here, in a very sudden move, and typical of last-minute edits, Kate pulls back, and slaps Jack, saying " I don't care what you say, I am NOT going to work on Lost. Ever again."

Jack proceeds to sob like a little baby, despite the decision that a mysterious man told him the show had to go on.

The rest of the show, until the very end, explains WHY Lost got canceled.

Creamy, wanting to play CS, took the half-dead Ben, when he found Kate, running from the Udders. It later turned out to be that the a server change in the Island had changed the game of CS into TFC 2, and Kate was actually a spy. The Boaties, as a result, lost the game.

In the future, teenage Walt visits Hurley. Hurley, still visibly shaken by the visit from the grown-up Walt, asks him why he suddenly looks like Wesley Snipes. He then wonders why Lost got canceled, why Abrams is making Cloverfield and Fringe, and why the Six keep on talking about a mysterious old man. Hurley then says "You got KFC ?"

Back at the Orchid, Jack and John Locke have another ULTIMATE FINAL CONFRONTATION SHOWDOWN. Like, wow! John Locke tired of convincing Jack, despite the polar bears, smoke monster, and ghosts, then says "Well, you know what? No more Lost to you!" and sticks his tongue out. Suddenly, Ben turns up, out of nowhere, noting that Lost is about to be canceled, and things do not look good. He then drags Locke down to the roots of the Orchid, leaving a confounded Jack.

Back on the boat, it seems to be that the decision to cancel Lost seems apparent, so Michael, Jin and Desmond proceed to prevent the cancellation of Lost by freezing the falling ratings. Somehow, and thanks to some new webgmaes rewired (here's looking at Octagon and find815.com), it's a success.

Back at the beach, Daniel, still reeling from autism, wants to pick up C.S. Lewis and Miles. However, Miles states that he can't leave because Sony wants to film Extreme Ghostbusters upon the Island. C.S. Lewis doesn't want to leave because the rest of the Narnia films are going to be filmed there. Feeling fed up, Daniel runs to Juliet, but Juliet states that she's waiting for some hot male stud to turn up now that Jack has left her. Daniel finally gives up, and takes a few redshirts on his raft.

We finally see the Orchid. The Orchid, true enough, uses plants to move the island. Well, not really. The Orchid is actually the stage where the 'Contest' was being held. Ben, setting up the apparatus for the Contest, says that two contestants were supposed to turn up. He says this while Locke watches a Dhesktop video about a rabbit. (The two contestants were Daniel and Desmond). Just as Ben was about to start the Contest.... dramatic moment! Someone else is in the Orchid!

Jack and Kate are finally happy. Lost will end, and they are all going to get fat paychecks. Hopefully. However, along the way to the boat, it is revealed that Frank, in a drunken state of stupor, made a hole in the helicopter. Sawyer, realizing that Lost would be far more fun if it continued, decides to jump from the chopper. Before he does so, however, he whispers to Kate that he indeed contracted herpes from that prostitute and she should be feeling the effects very soon. He then dives off, yelling, "See you all in Season 5!!"

Another flash-forward. Hurley is playing chess with Ekonomikz when Sayid turns up, saying to Ekonomikz "Mysterious old man has something both of you have to see." Hurley wants to say the name of the mystery man, but Sayid says, "Shhh! Don't give away the answer!"

Back to the Orchid... the intruder is... Creamy! Yeah, duh. Anyway, since the Orchid was a greenhouse-teleportation area-nudist colony, Creamy wants to join in the fun, proceeding to disrobe, while boasting "I'm the new hot male ass around here!" John Locke then approaches the naked Creamy, saying that being buff isn't everything. Just as he says this, Ben pounces on Creamy, screaming "YOU BROKE UP THE RULES!", screaming like a girl. The death of a nude man in a greenhouse is enough to make fans of the show revile and call for an immediate cancellation, to which Locke cries, "Ben... WHAT DID YOU DO ?!!"

Ben then says, "So?"

Back on the boat, it seems to be that the web-games were not enough, and all rules of time distortion so popular with Season 4 now don't apply. The webgames only buy enough time for Desmond to get on the recently landed chopper. Well, Jin also made it too, though Sun starts screaming, without realizing her husband is right beside her.

Michael, desperate to make the latest webgame, known as the Octaginrecuitingcompany work, when Christian turns up, saying "It's over." Before Michael can type thje final clue, the Boat blows up, effectively ending the Boat arc, like the Hatch arc back in Season 2.

Flash-forward to the future. Jin, having been shot for offering a sad panda, is enough to make Sun demand vengeance. Sun now wants Widmore's help to find the Island, and thus, join his Axis of Evil.

Cut back to the chopper, Jack then realizes that Lost HAS to continue. But it's too late.

Meanwhile, Juliet, being left behind, notices Sawyer. Sawyer, having mysteriously left his clothes while swimming, starts to get horny. The two then have sex.

Ben, after blowing a hole in the nudist colony, then says to Locke, "Well, I have made you less of the cool guy you were in Season 1. Now that you're the leader, maybe you can start a spin-off show, and be as cool as you were back in Season 1". John Locke, thus, goes back to the Udders.

Ben then reveals to the TV audience that the hole was a gateway to... DUN DUN DUN DUN... A GIANT WHEEL.

No, seriously.

A GIANT WHEEL MOVED THE ISLAND.

So, Ben moved the wheel, and the island disappears and becomes a drop of water. In the midst of this, the same purple sky from the Season 2 finale comes back. During this, Daniel suffers from another case of autism, Locke and the Udders get blinded, Sawyer and Juliet have sex, and the Frank's chopper crashes....

....into the ocean.

Eventually, Jack then makes the realization that they have to lie. Like, people have been telling him for one season, and only now he decides it. While they wait on the raft, they see what might be a boat coming, and all of a sudden a big light turns on and a big voice says "We're gonna have to take the boy!". Then Jack and them are like "Oh, COME ON! I mean really!". This was actually just Penny's Antarctic slaves making a joke, and they are rescued.

A week later, Desmond then says to Jack, "Well, brotha, this is it, brotha. Now that I won the contest, brotha, I need to find Daniel, brotha. So, good luck on the rest of Lost, brotha. I'll see you in another life, brotha."

Jack says goodbye, and proceeds to start the scene that would result in the start of the previous episode's opening scene.

Are you ready for it ?

The mystery man was none other than John Locke.

Lost could not be canceled, and Daniel, who was scouting for Cloverfield 2, has to be found. Jack knows that there are too many loose ends for Lost to end. As such, Lost cannot end.

Ben then turns up, and, in front of the sleeping body of John Locke, makes out with Jack.

And we have to wait until 2009 before we know what the writers of Lost have in mind next.

Season Five

"Because You're Right"

A clock. An alarm. An eye. A faceless man gets out of bed to turn on some music. A tired season opener device. We see the man go about his daily business, he showers, goes to work, and chills out at home to play GTA 4. All to the soulful strains of Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl". The man turns out not to be recycled footage of Desmond, but instead turns out to be Dr. Emname Candlepun. Suffering from the financial crisis, he makes a deal to go on The View to clarify once and for all that the writers of Lost have no idea what they're doing in exchange for an eight digit sum. During his make up test, he receives a call to meet Damon and Carlton. They then take him the mines below the ABC studios where the mine for plot and show him that they are on the verge of hitting a major plot-vein, codenamed "Seriesfinale" which they believe they will breakthrough to in only a matter of time. Candlepun levaes in a huff to return to his interview, not noticing as he bumps into Jeremy Davies on the way out. Jeremy begs with Darlton to get a flashback this season, and they agree to give him a small teaser one at the start of the season premier. Oh wait....

In a surprising twist, get this... The Oceanic 6 is off the island and it ain't no flashback or flashforward, it's real time. Since they're not on an Island with polar bears and Udders, it's going to get a whole lot different in here, and by different I mean boring. So we get Ben and Jack in the hotel room talking about something, but a few minutes later they get in bed and they have gay sex with each other. That's not really what happened but I lost track so this will have to surfice.

Locke wakes up on the island, alone in the rain. Meanwhile, on the beach where it isn't raining, the Losties find that someone has stolen all their stuff. Faraway and Frogurt show up safe and Faraway explains that the island took their stuff, because in Lost, it is technically a character and it can technically steal their stuff so it makes sense. In the future!!! Claire's only two fans show up and demand she return Aaron to her mother. Kate, beliving that would be a bad character... I mean mother, a bad mother to Aaron because she picked up a drug habit of snorting heroin... No wait, calling her Erin. Yeah... Kate and Aaron escape the house and drive off while Clarie's two fans get angry because they belive Claire and Arron are supposed to be together.

Meanwhile another shocking twist is revealed, apparently the Lost writers have run out of ideas so they're ripping off from Heroes. I mean Time Travel? Come on!? Heroes totally did that first... Anyways, Faraway leads a crew to the hatch as he misses the undertones of paranoia of Season 2, and paranoia is all he needs to finish his collection of neurosis. Meanwhile Locke sees the drugrunner plane crash and is held hostage by Ethan in a scene which is cool, but time wasting. Time wasting because Locke dissapears before Ethan can kill him, making the entire scene pointless... but cool!

Back in the future or present or whatever time it is. Sun is arrested but airport security and not strip searched to the dissapointment of the many fanboys or girls or redshirts out there. Caleb Nichol appears and the discuss their mutual interest in their own respective spinoffs. Sayid takes Hurley to the safehouse where they are jumped by three men... Not in that way, I have more integrity than the other recappers on this site. So yeah, Sayid and Hurley are jumped by three naked men who try to bumrape them. In the ensuing fray, Sayid accidentally kills one and Hurley eats the other two, but not accidentally. Witnesses see this and take the story of Hurley and Sayid's homosexual murder to the local media, hoping the homophobes he thinks they are will be jailed and hopefully, ending Lost.

The mayor of Gotham City finds Locke in the jungle and presents him with Heath Ledger's Oscar from the future and asks him to give it to Heath if he ever sees him in the past... Meanwhile in the past. Faraway finds Desmond and tells him to find his mother in the future!!! Desmond begins to set up for a great "Your Momma's So Fat!" joke but a time slip by the demigod Illyria sends him into the future where he tells Penny that the need to find Faraway's mom. Penny says that she shouldn't be too hard to find cuz she's so fat. Then Desmond and Penny make out which isnt funny cause they're not gay, and this is how gay jokes were born.

"The Lay"

The Oceanic Six, Desmond and Penny, and Frank for some reason sit around and discus the virtues of lying. Hurley turns to the camera and says he doesn't want to lie because lying is wrong. Then a star and rainbow with the "The More You Know Message" flies across the screen, but it doesn't because NBC couldn't afford the star and rainbow. Instead this episode actually begins with a message about how lying is bad, also this episode is brought to you by the letters L, O, S and T and the mysterious numbers which don't ever make sense but do.

In the future or the present or... Yeah it's the present, but it takes place at the start of last year so I guess its the past, but whatever. Anyways... Hurley and Sayid are now on the run from the scene of their attempted bumrape and homophobic murder which has become known in the media as "The Lay". He is pulled over by Ana-Lucia who, despite being shot, is still alive. Anyways, she instructs Hurley to do up Sayid's seatbelt and that he should always be himself. Ana-Lucia walks back to her cop car, gets in and takes a swig of whiskey, and drives off with her passenger Libby. After a few minutes she is shot by Michael again who subsequently blows up. The writers state that this was the planned ending to this scene all along because dieing from a gunshot wound is so stupid and predictable.

Hurley and Kate are attracted to each other at a gas station, proving Uncyclopedia's theory that the all of the characters are magnets. Kate gets a call to meet Sun at a hotel and since meeting someone in a hotel room is super important to anybody, she finds the strength to get far away from Hurley and heads off towards the hotel. In the elevator, Aaron presses some buttons on the panel and a clock in front of them flips back to "108:00". Turns out the elevator is revealed to be a super-secret Dhesktop station called "The Elevator", the purpose (or lack of) is unknown, but it will be revealed in Season 7. Inside the hotel room, Sun reveals to Kate that she has become a smarmy evil bitch since getting off the island, the biggest twist of Season 5 so far.

Back on the island, Miles tracks and kills a boar his bare hands, also Frogurt turns out to be a dick but is promptly killed by a flaming arrow and is never seen again (because the arrow made him invisible!). As the Losties run for cover from a sudden rain of flaiming firey arrows, Juliet turns and pours sand onto a man who was hit by an arrow to put out the fire but he dies in agony because he has sand poured into his open stomach wound, Some doctor she is. As Sawyer and Juliet come face to face with the attackers, Locke shows up and murders them in cold blood, because murder solves everything.

Hurley takes Sayid back to his place and tries to revive him using the pot all Californian Hispanics have in their houses. Cheech shows up and ask Hurley not to waste it, suggesting that they take him to a Superdoctor instead, so Hurley calls Jack the Superdoctor who in turn calls Ben for some reason. Ben tries to get some Udders to keep Locke's body in a deli, but they want to turn his body into Soylent Green which is made out of people, so instead Ben hijacks an ice cream truck to hide Locke in.

Hurley is microwaving some two-minute noodles when Ben shows up. The cops arrive because the neighbours called about an incredibly creepy man driving an ice cream truckand the assumed he was a pedophile (and who can blame them?). When Hurley learns that there is an ice cream truck outside, he cannont resist himself and when he gets in he is mistakenly arrested in place of Ben.

Shortly after, Ben meets with the jewlery store owner and something Lost-related happens.

"Archie"

In Lost's biggest twist ever, Des and Penny get married, have a child and name him Merry after the Hobbit who died back in Season 3. You think after years of being together, they'd get married and have a child? I guess. Penny makes Desmond promise not to get involved with her father, and Desmond says he knows he won't but since the promise was made on opposide day, Desmond does the exact opposite of what Penny said and goes to get involved with her father. He arrives at Oxford and uncovers Faraways old DeLorean which has been hidden for years. A janitor shows up and begins to berate Desmond with questions about why he is here. Desmond asks him where he got this mistaken sense of authority, and the janitor syas hes been watching too much Scrubs.

Back on the island, Juliet deduces that the people who attacked them were Udders, as they communictae through mooing, which all new Udders are required to learn. For reasons unknown to the viewer, one of the Udders kills the Udder Udder and escapes into the jungle with Team Locke in hot pursuit.

Meanwhile, the final two redshirts contemplate that their status could mean that they'll become main characters and the thought of it causes their heads to explode. Faraway, Charlotte and Miles are captured by a strangley hot Udder who will later turn out to be Faraway's mom, hopefully he doesn't think about her the same way I do before it's revealed. The Freighties are taken to Richard The Sexy Immortal Udder, and Danile uses his incredable diction skills to get him to reveal that there is a bomb on the island that will explode if the island moves through time at less than 50 miles per hour. The bomb is the titular character, hung upside down and about to explode with his carrot-top.

The Janitor brutha' leads Desmond to a tomato, which in turn leads him to brutha' Caleb Nichol. Desmond tries to read Caleb Nichol's mind but he is distressed because he discovers he did lose his psychic powers to an oar attack, and that the producers will never adequately explain them away. He gives Des the address, and so he and Penny set out ol' Californie' way to try and fin' sum' internet. Caleb then warns Desmond that he is determined to use the island as a reboot for his OC spinoff.

Faraway solves the bomb crisis by burying the bomb with his massive scientific powers and explains that it worked because if the bomb blew up then there would be no Lost and if there was no Lost then there would be a paradox that would of destroyed the world. This makes little sense to the hot Udder, but the ability to bury the bomb with pure science is no easy feat, so she lets him pass.

Locke meets with Richard The Sexy Immortal Udder and tells him to go back and watch "Saturday Night Fever" because that episode rocked. Before Richard The Sexy Immortal Udder can tell Locke how to get off the island it reaches 80 miles per hour and time jumps again. When they come to, Charlotte collapses bleeding profously creating a new Lost mystery: Are the writers time travelers from 1950?

"The Little Ponce"

We open with a flashback that shows us that Kate decided to pretend Aaron was her child... Something we already knew, because apparently, it ain't Lost unless it's shown every possible way.

Cue to the present, Sun is left alone with Aaron and they both receive their Valentine Day presents, with a loaded gun for Aaron and a box of chocolates for Sun.

In 2007, Kate meets with Claire's two fans who wanted Aaron to be together with Claire and tells him that Kate is a Lostie, who lived on the Island with a bunch of Udders and therefore she must get to keep Aaron. The lawyer says he agrees with her logic, but must first consult his client, who is most definitely not Ben. And by that logic, we presume that the lawyer is definately, most certainly Ben. At the hospital, Sayid is almost killed by a token black with a gun, mostly as a compromise for people who bemoan the lack of Michael and Walt.

Jack finds Claire's mom who reveals that she was not supposed to be in this episode, thus ruining ten whole minutes of plot. Ben meets with his lawyer who manages to get Hurley out of prison with his superlawyer skills.

Meanwhile on the island, Charlotte comes back to life to save the island from demon bikers, proving once and for all that Lost writers are 12 year olds taking over the internet. Locke decides to move the island, because that went so well for everyone the first time. The ISLANDpod Shuffle then skips into the past which gives Claire more screentime than she got in all her Season 4 scenes combined, and also to remind us of a time when Lost was actually good. It then skips into the future where the Losties steal a boat (because stealing solves everything!), and then back to the past where Locke finds some props made to look like a wreckage.

Elsewhere, Jin is revived by a mysterious french chick through an incredibly sensual mouth-to-mouth. The soundtrack then indicates that we were supposed to be surprised to find out that she is, in fact, the younger version of that older Eastern european chick who spoke bad French. This has been viewed as a move to give more plot to a not-so-major character.

"This Place Is Dumb"

As Sun prepares to give Ben a box of chocolates, she receives a call from her daughter, Jet Li. This provokes Sun's maternal instincts and she realises that if she kills someone, no matter how evil they might be, it will scar her for life and they could never properly love her daughter if she did something cold hearted... Except it doesn't effect her in any way because she is now evil, she gets out of the car and goes to shoot Ben. However, she is surprised to find that her gun has been replaced by a squirt gun as she shoots Ben with it. Ben looks at Sun with a confused look then reveals his plan to get everyone back to the island. This turns off Sayid and Kate, as Sayid decides to go back to being an awesome iraqi torturer, and Kate has had enough of Lost.

Back on the island, Jin walks us through Danielle's shoe-horned back story. He promises to take everyone to the radio tower even though he never went there. Along the way, the group is attacked by the monster who pulls a Mike Tyson and bites off Montand's ear, thus explaining the mystery presented in Season 1. The Island does the timewarp once again and Jin finds himself in the future! or a future version of the past. I get those confused, Anyways... He sees black smoke on the horizon meaning the Udders are coming. But it turns out just to be Danielle's camp... What a shame!, that could have been exciting... But wait!, Jin then sees Danielle murdering her crew as they are all Down With The Sickness. The dude tries to shoot her, but he is surprised to find that the gun is now in Danielle's hands, and the price he pays for his foolishness is death. The reason for this is unknown, but we theorize that if Danielle dies before Season 1 then there will be no Lost and if there is no Lost then you wouldn't be reading this article now would you?

Ben drives Jack, Sun and Locke's body to a church to make them atone for the first half of Season 3. Jack and Sun get into an argument over whose episode was more pointless and Ben pulls over and threatens to turn the car around if they don't shut up. He tries to get back on the road but is surprised to find that he can't as the ignition mechanism has been removed from his car.

The island continues to go through the rest of the Rocky Horror soundtrack and Charlotte collapses under the weight of it's awfulness. The gang unanimously votes to leave her behind, except for Faraway because hes crazy!!! CRAZY I TELLS YA!!! Charlotte quickly shoe horns in her backstory because the writers have realized that they arent going to be able to answer all the mysteries by next year. She tells Daniel that she really wants a fish biscuit and dies. She tries to get up and continue on, but she is surprised to find she can't as all life has been removed from her body.

At the Orchid Greenhouse Nudist Colony, Locke decides to send his love down the well to rescue the Oceanic 6 and Timmy O'Toole. When Locke arrives in The Frozen Chamber Of Mysteries at the roots of the Orchid. He is greeted by an image of Christian because they've given up on ever actually casting Jacob. It is revealed that Locke has become the latest contestant on the contest, and Christian was the real host of the show. The latest round on The Contest is too turn the Wheel of Misfortune, which has been jammed, causing the IslandPOD to shuffle endlessly.

Locke, who's leg has been injured apon entering the chamber, tries to get up, but is surprised to find he can't as the pain has been inserted into his leg. He asks Christian if he can help him, to which he replies "No John, I can't", prompting Locke to exclaim "Don't tell me what you can't do!". And so Christian watches in amusement as a cripple tries to get up and spin a giant wheel by himself. The wheel spins and it stops around "Bankrupt", causing a light to eminate from the wheel and engulf Locke.

At the church, Sun, Jack and Ben meet up with Desmond, who has teleported to LA with the sheer power of his concentrated awsomeness. Ben gives Sun a ring and asks her to marry him. Creeped out, she tries to contact Gin with his physic powers but since Sun isn't a physic, she decides to go back to the island to tell Jin to kick his balls. Then the gang meet the jewelery store owner. The episode ends on the prospect that something Lost-related is supposed to happen next.

"619"

Bang! An eye. A forest. A man. A tired season opener device. A clip show? No. The man gets up and comes to his senses. This mans name is Jack. Regaining his senses, he feels something in his pocket, a torn piece of paper. He hears people screaming for help nearby and his senses as a superdoctor kick in. He runs through the jungle and comes to a waterfall wiith Hurley in the laggon in the bottom. Jack does a swan dive in to save him and to show off, forgetting his lack of grace and ends up doing a bellyflop. Hurley and Kate end up saving him, and Kate falls unconscious under the massive strain of carrying Jack's ego.

Hours earlier... I don't know when but it's hours earlier, Ms. Faraway leads the losties to an underground Dhesktop station in LA know as The Lambchop. It is located on a mysterious pocket of mysterious energy that is mysteriously connected to the mysterious island. When Ms. Faraway explains that she intends to take them back to the island, Desmond leaves as he refuses to go back to Lost if he's not going to get nominated for an Emmy again. She says that the only way to get back to the island is to take flight 619 to Guantanmo Bay. This is seen as an obscure reference to Singapore.

Ms. Faraway tells Jack that he must go speak to his grandfather to pad the episode for 15 minutes or so. And it is revealed that Jacks grandfather is Dewey Cox's father from Walk Hard, revealing that Christian is infact an image of Nate Cox who dies at the start of the movie. He gives Jack a pair of shoes that are dependant on them returning to the island.

Shortly after this, Jack goes to visit John locke, and realizes that, in order to allow his imminent ressurection, the right mysterious pair of loafers must mysteriously be worn on his feet. Jack, thus does the mysterious job of putting on his shoes.

At the airport, the entire Lostie gang is all here, including Sayid who is being deported to Guantanamo Bay because he is a suspicious muslim and as US stereotype law tells us, all suspicious muslims are terrorists!. Meanwhile on the plane, Locke comes back to life in his casket and clicks his heals three times saying "Theres No Place Like the Island".

Cut to mysterious episode intro. SHortly after, the survivors hear a Dhesktop van, booming with the new Ekonomikz remix. The driver is revealed to be Jin who, now infused with the power of rap, shoots everyone.

"Locke and Abbadon's Excellent Adventure"

We open this week's episode with the new chracter Caligula rumaging around an office. He finds a rocket launcher hidden under a desk and quickly hides it in his bag. The other new charcter, Illyria, enters and asks him what he just hid. "It was a rocket launcher. I'm telling you because I am an incredably honest person and the writers thought that introducing a straight-forward chracter would be an interesting change of pace, as well as helping to move the plot along quickly" Caligula does not reply. Illyria takes him to meet a passenger WHO WASN'T ON THE FLIGHT MANIFEST!!! And just when you think they're reusing plots from Season 1, the man who greets Caligula with Locke's voice turns out to be.....LOCKE!!! Dun Dun DUN!!!

After the opening credits, Locke eats Illyria's mango and remembers how he made it back to the island. Arriving in the Sahara with a broken leg, Locke builds a sand castle to pass the time until he is found by a wind-surfing Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn, who take Locke to the nearest doctor. While in surgey, Locke notices a creepy black guy watching him. When he wakes up, he is greeted by Calob Nichol who reveals he found Locke by financing that awful Sahara movie. He tells Locke that he and the Oceanic Six must retun to the island because his OC spinoff can't thrive as a show if Juliet, Sawyer and the Freghties are the only main chracters.

Locke is joined on his mission by the creepy black man from his surgery, who turns out to be none other than Phillip Broyle from Fringe. Under the alias' of Olivia Jebediah Wilde and Abbadon, Locke and Creepy Black Guy travel Africa to recruit Sayid who, inspired by a vision of Bono much like Locke in Season 3, has decided to help the starvin' children. Sayid refuses to return to Lost, saying he's tired of that show never giving any answers and might only watch it again if they tell us what the monster is, echoing everybody who only watched Season 1.

Next they travel to New York to see WAAAALLLTTTTT! After making his customary once a season appearance, Locke decides not to ask Walt back to Lost as Malcolm David Kelly has returned to the "hood" and he "doesn't need to go back", since no wants to "take the boy" now. Phillip criticizes Locke for this decision as he it another move to distance the show away from blacks.

Next they visit Hurley, who tells Locke that he must be dead because the writers promised they would never bring a dead character back to life. Locke points out they already broke this promise with Patchy and that they've broken all the promises they made any way. When Hurley sees Phillip, he freaks out the same way he did in "The Beginning of the Fourth Season" and runs inside as he is suffering from another TicTac OD.

After that they visit Kate. I fell asleep during the scene so I guess nothing happened.

Locke has Phillip take him to Helen and when they get there, A shocking truth is revealed. As it turns out, Helen died in 2006 or 1956 of a Time-Travel related brain anuerism. The grave reads "Beloved friend and phone-sex operator" and Locke points out that this is the wrong Helen. Phillip points to the grave next to it which reads "Helen, Locke's former fiance. Locke if you're reading this, I am communicating to you from the dead, I hope you die you pathetic piece of shit". As they prepare to leave, Locke asks Phillip how he will be able to appear on both Lost and Fringe as he seemed like such a pivotal character last season. Phillip then calls somebody on his cellphone and that somebody kills him off to avoid hassling with the Lost producers. As Locke gets into his car and flees the scene. Phillip comes back to life and calls for Fringe Division to pick him up saying that he'll "Be appearing on Fringe More."

Locke purposely gets into a car accident and he ends up in the hospital where he awakes to Jack watching over him. All part of Locke's plan to get to Jack. In a Lost first, Locke uses the power of deductive reasoning to solve a mystery. Unfortunately that mystery is who Christian's son is, which we already knew.

Locke goes to hang himself, because suicide solves all of lifes problems. Before he can do so, Ben barges in because he has been watching over Locke. After Locke fills Ben in on some exposition, in one of the most fucked up and yet badass events ever, Ben kills Locke! Making the whole suicide thing pointless. And of course we all know that he won't be coming back to life.

Back in the present day, Locke who is still alive, which was spoiled by the start of the episode, finds Ben among the injured passengers. It turns out he got some karmatic justice as he was strangled by his sling as the plane crashed.

"LaGrille!? What the Hell is That!?"

Following the events of "This Place is Dumb", a time jump briefly takes the remaining group of survivors — James "Sawyer" Ford, Juliet Burke, Miles, Daniel Faraway and Gin — to a time when there is an ancient statue of Ronald McDonald standing on the island. Locke then spins the Wheel of Misfortune and Sawyer finds out they are back in time after he finds a 1974 calendar attached to a tree. Miles asks Sawyer how long they must wait for Locke to return but since Sawyer is confused by the constant jumps in the shows storytelling that he simply says he does not know. He then suggests that they go back to the Travelodge and wait for Locke and the people that left to return.

Three Years Later or three seconds in screen time. We see the Dhesktop station with all the TV's in it where the writers are watching Heroes trying to figure out how to rip off their time travel story stuff. They are interrupted by a third man who tells the other man that their leader Horito is smashed and picking fights with trees which he is blowing up with fireworks. They then spend the next few minutes arguing who should go and get Mr. LaGrille, who turns out to be Sawyer!

Then we go back to three years earlier when the remaining survivors are heading back to the Travelodge, when they meet up with Daniel Faraday who says that he saw Charlotte board an alien spaceship and return to her home planet. He is upset because he has just discovered that he will become a regular for series 6 and she won't. They then set off for the Travelodge and come across a woman getting assaulted by two men. Sawyer then pops the guys in the head after telling them that he is the sex-symbol of LOST. He then saves the woman by pulling the face off her bag. She then tells them that they have to bury the dead men that where trying to attack her.

Sawyer and Miles build coffins for the dead men and then lower them into the soil. Jin offers to carry the woman’s dead boyfriend back to her house as he has had nothing much to do since the start of this series, she accepts. Sawyer then tells his people that if they are asked what they are doing on the island they should say that they were on a flight which was forced to ditch in what the pilot thought was the Hudson River, but actually turned out to be the island. He then tells them that they must call him LaGrille in order to protect them and the others who left. Miles questions this and Sawyer says he heard the name on an episode of The Simpsons. The above then arrive at the Sonic Fence where Daniel attempts to commit suicide, but Juliet stops him and bitch-slaps the woman to make her turn it off. She doesn't but manages to pass safely through, while the survivors start to have a epileptic fit after the constant bright lights used in this series for the flashes.

We then go forward to three years into the future again (which will take us to 1977 I think...) where Juliet has become a postal worker and delivers a parcel to Amy and her husband Boris.....Horace.....Horito!!! Sawyer meanwhile asks Jin if he has found their people (meaning Jack and Hurley, he no longer gives a rat's ass to Kate because he's banging Juliet). Jin tells him that he hasn't and questions why Sawyer is making him do all the hard work while he just sits around drinking some of that nice ice cool Dhesktop Beer. Oh yeah and by this point Jin now speaks perfect English!

The story then shifts back to three years earlier (God, this is so fucking confusing!!!) where Horito tells Sawyer he offers Sawyer a plate of cookies and a glass of milk thinking he is Santa Claus. Someone seen carrying a torch powered by Dhesktopcell Batteries is seen entering Wysteria Village, this dude turns out to be Richard The Sexy Immortal Udder. Sawyer goes out to talk to Richard and asks if he is gay because he always wears eyeliner. Richard tells Sawyer to cut the funny business or The Udders will strap Sawyer to the Hydrogen Bomb and blast him into the first half of Season 3. Sawyer then offers a trade, Richard walks away and leaves Dhesktop alone in exchange for a blow-up play mate, to which he agrees.

In one final flash back or forward to three years ago or later We see Sawyer banging Juliet while Miles films it for one of the Dhesktop Orientation films. This is interrupted when Sawyer gets a phone call from the operator asking him if he will accept the charges. He gets the wrong idea and claims he's innocent of whatever happened in that episode "Inlaws", but after the situation is explained to him he is connected to Jin who is in a pay phone near the waterfall. Jin tells Sawyer that he has found Jack, Kate and Hurley skinny dipping in the lake at the base of the waterfall. Sawyer then tells Jin to make sure they are decent and to meet them at McDonalds. Sawyer then heads out in his pimped out Jeep to Micky D's where he meets Jin and for the first time in years (or series, or months or screen time....damn this time change crap is confusing!) he sees Jack, Hurley and finally Kate who could not be seen initially Hurley's fat was blocking the sight of Kate. This then confirms that Jack and company are back in time in the 1970's when The Dhesktop Initiative and disco music was around. But wait this is shown after they crashed on the island but set before they actually arrive by plane so that means... wait..... wait!!!..... AAAAAAAHHH!!! PARADOOOOOOOOOXXXXXX!!!

"Nestle'"

The episode begins with the crash of Flight 619, which is piloted by Frank ThePenis who keeps screaming "I have been in this exact same situation before, but only in a helicopter". As Frank rambles on, the co-pilot makes the preparations to ditch the plane in the Hudson River, He does so successfully and the remaining survivors and the planes contents (a lifetime supply of Nestle’ KitKats) drift to the small island which we saw in Season 3. While the other survivors start to eat the KitKats, Ben Franklin heads off into the jungle and Sun follows and the pair take part in a game of hide and seek to pass the time until Frank meets up with them. Sun then kicks Ben in the balls and she and Frank hijack a Hovercraft to get to the main island where the meet up with Christian Sheppard who has set-up a welcome home party. He goes on to tell them that the other survivors took the DeLorean time machine back to 1977.

Meanwhile in 1977, Sawyer explains to Jack that it’s 1977 and that they all work for Dhesktop as a result of the Wheel of Misfortune. He and Juliet then allow Kate, Hurley and Jack to join the Dhesktop Initiative and as always in Lost, no-one questions what the hell is going on. Juliet then learns that Amy’s and that boss dudes baby is apparently going to be the one to be killed by the hobbit in the future.

As all of this is going on, Jin travels to The Flamer because he needs to pick up some milk. When he arrives it’s on fire as Sayid, who has woken up in the jungle after arriving back on the island, burnt it to the ground for a reason which we will never know, this results in the owner Radzinsky having to build a new Flamer, this time fire-proof. Jin then takes Sayid back to the barracks and locks him up where he meets a young Ben Franklin, who asks if Sayid is a gay as he is wearing a purple shirt and posing in a frilly matter. Sayid claims he is as it would make an interesting plot twist. Ben then tells him that as he is gay he will now be his bitch.

"She's A He"

In 1977; a bunch of dudes including Sawyer question Sayid as to what he was doing in the Dhesktop perimeter. He does not say anything and is later visited by Ben Franklin who asks Sayid if he wants to run away with him. Sayid agrees, but before they can escape, Ben’s dad, Roger "The Big ‘R’" Franklin arrives and takes his son home where he beats him up, even though you should never beat anyone wearing glasses.

There is then a flashback with Sayid in, nothing happens thats worth noting.

Sawyer then visits Sayid alone and asks him to tell the Udders that he is Jesus so that they will let him live, Sayid again declines and is thus taken to a room where there is a wicker chair with a hole cut into it. He is tied to the chair naked and a man called Oldham starts whacking him in the balls when he doesn’t answer a question. As the pain is too much Sayid tells them all that he is from the future, at least he thinks he is as the story is getting so complicated to follow. Due to him being from the future, the Dhesktop people unamiously vote to kill him as he would make the plot more complex. He is then taken back to his cell, where Ben Franklin breaks him out and they run away together, thus saving him from death.

There are then another couple of flashbacks. None of which I payed attention to.

Jin then comes past in a Dhesktop minivan after dropping the kids of the Dhesktop Initiative off at school. He sees Sayid who beats the crap out of him. Ben Franklin then reveals to Sayid that he knows about Nadia whom he tells Sayid that ‘she is actually a he’. This causes Sayid to remember the times the older Benjamin Franklin treated him like a bitch, he gets angry and shoots Ben in the chest Matrix-style and then steals the Dhesktop minibus in order to get to the Travelodge and check in before it closes for the night.

"Whatever's a Hippo, Happened"

In 1977, Sayid checks into the Travelodge just before it closes and gets a few drinks from the minibar while Jin takes Ben Franklin back to the DI barracks where he tells Juliet that Ben was shot. But the most shocking twist yet is when Jack, Hurley and Kate are taken prisioner, in their own home! Maybe Sawyer is becoming an Udder or something... I don't know but I have seem him lackating in his breats recently. Juliet then tries to fix Ben but she needs blood, rich juicy blood... Where was I, oh yeah! So Kate gives Juliet 5000 pints of her blood as she is coincidentally a universal donor (these things only happen in Lost) so she can give it to Ben. What happens immediately is a flashback or flashforward in which Kate looses Claire’s son then finds him again, and then looses him again and then finds him again and then trades him with Clarie's mother for 10 minutes of additional screen time in Season 5.

Back in the Dhesktop Bar, Roger is getting smashed in the Dhesktop Bar when he is joined by Hurley (who is supposed to be a prision in his own house) and Miles who also want to get pissed while discussing the theories of time travel. Hurley then asks Miles why they can’t use Dr. Who’s Telephone Booth to return to their own time. Miles asks why they don’t use the DeLorean again, but Hurley tells him that there was barely enough space for them all in the car before as he is so fat, but if they use the Telephone Booth, he will be able to get inside it with the others, since it's bigger inside. A drunken Miles then asks Roger to shoot him and Roger agrees knowing that Miles probably won’t make it to Season 6.

Juilet realizes that he needs Jack’s help as she is not the superdoctor she is, but he is too busy having a shower and basking in the greatness in hemself so Kate and Sawyer (not wanting to deal with Jack's massive ego) take Ben to that creep Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder who takes Ben into The Temple alone. Richard has got to be a child molestor... Well he must be if he takes a 14 year old boy into a "temple", then we jump to 2007 where an older Ben Franklin is having a nightmare about what "happened" to him in the temple when he wakes up in the Dhesktop Hydra Station where he is freaked out to see John Locke who has been watching him the entire time, he then says something about the "land of the living" because apparently Ben has been dead but is now alive because of what happened in 1977.

"Dad Is Dead"

Following the final scene of the previous episode, Bin Liner... Ben Franklin wakes up and he is greeted by John Locke who has been watching him... gay?! Ben tells Locke that he has “Broken his arm”... I mean “the rules”, whatever the hell they are... by returning to the island. He then tells Locke that he must be judged by good old Smokey to finally determine whether his character has run it's story arc on the show. Locke agrees to accompany him to the main island because he has nothing better to do. Before leaving Ben takes a picture of his adopted daughter Alex getting dressed from the desk drawer in his office and then shoots Flight 619 survivor Caligula in the chest with a shotgun, just for fun.

In a flashback Ben then kidnaps the Alex thingy when she was a baby and returns her to The Udders then-leader Caleb Nichol who is sitting with Richard eating Pot Noodles and discussing what the ending to the show may be. There is then another flashback where Caleb Nichol is banished from Lost because he fathered her daughter Lindsay Gardner off the show.

Back in 2007, or whenever Ben and Locke arrive on the main island and meet up with Sun and Frank who are at Christian Sheppard’s "welcome back to the island" party. They join in and Sun shows Locke the picture of Jack and everyone else who is apparently trapped in the past. The picture then starts fading Back To The Future style and Locke realizes that he has to make Michael and WWAAAAAALLLLTTT!!! fall in love with each other again or he and the others from Flight 815 will never exist! Frank decides that he cannot be arsed to take part in Locke’s mission and heads back to the main island where he is kidnapped by the other plane survivors and raped!... Okay that's not what really happened, I got it confused with the UnNews. Anyways... Ben, Locke and Sun meanwhile travel to The Tempest which is a book store owned by a Shakespeare look-a-like (completly different from Temper Tantrum station by the way!). The owner lets Ben go down to the basement where Smokey joins him and together they watch moments of Ben’s life play out on Smokey’s 3D Movie Projecteor. After the last moment has been watched Smokey has to go as he has a date with his mate “The Bandit” so he leaves Ben alone, or so he thinks as Ben’s “dead” daughter appears to him and calls him a “son of a bitch”... Why do all the other characters insist on stealing Sawyer’s catchphrase? They will never be as cool as him!

Another flashback occurs and Ben is shown before the crash of Flight 619 where he tries to kill Penny but when he sees her really nice boat he cannot go through with it as blood will stain the ship’s deck something rotten. He then starts to leave but gets into a fight with Desmond, whom he shoots in the balls... I mean the arm. Desmond then uses his superhuman abilities to beat the shit out of Ben and then he gives Ben a decent bath in the marina because he was all bloodied up from the beating.

After the flashback thing, Ben rejoins Locke who is browsing some of the best sellers in the shop. Ben then tells him that the smoke let him live as Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindoff have the actor contracted till Season 6. Locke then looks on, horrified by this new information.

"Some Like It Hoth... No, Really!"

A blinking LED clock, the dank looks, the evil in it's eyes. This evil, evil microwave is what the episode is focusing on, ready to blow up... until the camera pulls out and focueses on the unknown woman with his asian son, making the microwave nothing more then a distraction. Damn Lost Writers! The woman is planning to steal the apartment and he is talking to a guy who she will steal $400 dollars from, the woman then tells her asian son to go outside and look for anybody coming by. Outside, the asian kid is watching when he sees an open door, which like all other kids his age he enters. Inside he sees something that will shock him for life... A DEAD BODY!!! Then, something weird happens and it is discovered that this boy can, get this... SEE THE DEAD!!! And the kids name is Miles by the way, so the same guy who's on the island has the ability to see the dead... What show did they rip this off from anyway?

In 1977, Kate and Sawyer return to the Dhesktop Barracks after taking the young Ben Franklin (That’s the one with glasses folks, wait... they both wear glasses... Well you guys know what I'm talking about.) to Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder. Kate then speaks with Roger “The Big “R” Franklin whom has suspicions that Kate took his son, suspicions that he shares with Jack whom tells Roger that he wouldn’t be surprised if Kate took his son as she took Aaron from Claire in the previous season. Jack then tells Juliet who tells Sawyer who tells Roger who would tell Jack but Sawyer has bigger fish to fry as he has a meal planned with Juliet. The door bell goes and he thinks it is her returning, but opening the door he sees it is Phil “The Power” Taylor who has a tape of two dogs shagging and another of Sawyer and Kate stealing Ben. Sawyer then knocks Phil unconscious with a feather and tells Juliet to get some rope as he is into bondage, she does so and they tie him up and lock him in an IKEA wardrobe.

A flashback is then shown where Miles (now a ghostbuster like Desmond) is at the house of some guy who wants to use his "services" and will pay him a lot of money. Miles (having took hustler lessions from Ekonomikz) accepts without any hesitation but then here comes the shocker, the body has been cremated and he can't contact the dead if there's no body... What the fuck, how can he be a ghostbuster if he can't contact the dead! Jesus christ... Where was I? Oh yeah! So Miles gets the guy to pay him a little bit more because well, he like a rapper, he LOVES money! and Miles thinks up a plan to make him think he spoke to his dead son.

Then Miles is shown back in 1977 where he has to take Hurley, some food and a dead body to the Dhesktop Orchid station so they can send the body back in time to kill Mrs. Chang (Miles Mother) so that Miles will never be conceived and thus never come to the island. Hurley then gives some lame excuse about taking lunch to the recruits as a reason to tag along and pry into Miles business, plus he hasn’t had a decent story for a few episodes.

Another flashback is then shown where Miles meets with the guy and reconnects him with his dead son. Miles makes him close his eyes and hold his hands while he transfers his powers to him... IT'S NOT GAY PEOPLE!!! His eyes open and he sees his a poorly dressed guy who barely looks like his dead son in front of him. The dad is excited and they enjoy a intimite reconnection with his son saying "I am fine, I know you love me as much as you did." and then his dad closes his eyes, when he reopens, he is gone. Miles then swiftly leaves after the dad thanks him for what he did. While he is leaving, that poorly dressed guy who barely looks like his son ask Miles for his money. Miles, being the quick thinking hustler he is, kills the guy and takes any money he has before running as fast as he possibly can.

Meanwhile Miles and Hurley give Mile’s dad Dr. Chang a lift to The Swan worksite as carpooling will help with global warming, which we all know is a myth... OR IS IT??? At the worksite they watch as Dhesktop hatch a plan to cover the hatch itself in numbers that Hurley used to win the lottery, possibly because Dhesktop read their mind or something. Hurley then suggests that Miles let his dad borrow his Dolly Parton LP in an attempt to get to know him, but Miles states his dad is not that sort of guy, Hurley continues to pry into Miles business so Miles reads Hurley’s “diary” which turns out to be the screenplay to the 1980something "Star Wars: The Empire's Backyard Strike – NO JOKE!!" Miles asks what the fuck Hurley thinks he is doing writing a screenplay when there are more important matters at hand like his weight? Hurley tells Miles that he has to write the screenplay as if he doesn’t the film will never be made, also by writing and selling the screenplay to George Lucas he will make all those Star Wars films not suck, unfortunatly he would not get one penny since he would be born 1 year later as an infant... so the producers included the lottery thing to make up for it. Also, doesn't Miles has issues of his own that he is completly ignoring?

A final flashback of Mile’s past is shown where he is running like hell because of a scam gone wrong. Thinking he Lost them, he then sits down to read the paper and something catches his eye, something to his problem. "Mystical Island Voyage, Join the Freighter team and escape all of your troubles. No Caleb Nicol is not our boss, stop asking!" Seeing this as a solution, he drives as fast as he can to the freighter where he meets Naomee. Desperate for people that will resonate with Men 18-34, he lets Miles on the freighter and so begins his mystical island journey. Back in the real world, he heads to the yellow submarine where Daniel Faraday has been hiding for the past eight or so episodes. Miles persuades Faraday to come with him as the next episode is centered around him. After this is confirmed by Carlton Cuse, Daniel heads off to the Travelodge with Miles.

"The Vegetable"

In 2007, Desmond is in a hospital after slipping of the deck of the peir and hitting his head on some conviently placed rocks. Penny, who is obviously Desmond’s wife, comes to visit him but runs out crying when she sees Desmond is back to his old ways of seducing the nurses. While she is crying in the waiting room, Penny is joined by an That old Woman from the Jewlery Shop who tells her that it was all Benjamin Franklin's fault. The scene then cuts to Caleb Nichol and That old Woman from the Jewlery Shop talking about her son when Caleb says "He's my son too." and this causes That old Woman from the Jewlery Shop to slap her, then give her the beatdown because Caleb is not the father, it's obvious that That old Woman from the Jewlery Shop cheated with him.

Faraday returns to the Dhesktop Barracks where Sawyer is holding a BBQ for the Losties to decide their next move now that they have been revealed as traitors by Phil that security dude. Faraday asks how Jack returned to the island to which Jack tells him that he slept with Faraday’s mother for info on how to get back. Believing this to be the case Faraday asks Jack and Kate to take him to see his mother so he can tell her she is a slag for sleeping with Jack. Before he can do this however he realizes that he is going to be killed at the end of the episode and must first go to the Orchid Station to warn Dr. Chang about “The Incident” at the Swan worksite, which will happen in a number of minutes... 108 minutes to be precise!

We then cut to a Flashback where we see Young Daniel rocking out to Rock music when Daniel's mother comes in and turns it off, saying that "There's no place for rock music, you will be sophisiciated" and Daniel says "But I don't wanna be sophisicated mate, I wanna get a guitar and rock out." but Daniel's Mom, being the stubborn bitch that she is, says "No, you will destroy your rock music, and your guitar, or I will give you a serious beating"l. And since Daniel was afriad to be beaten for the 52,635th time, he destroyed his rock CD's and his guitar using a stick. Back in the present or past, Faraday goes to see The Udders with Jack and Kate in order to get them to help him die as without Charlotte there is no reason for him to be on the show anymore, plus he wants to tell his mother she is a slag. Jack then comes up with a plan to detonate a hydrogen bomb at the swan worksite, even though the bomb has been off the island for some time. Faraday tells Jack the surprise of surprises an that the hydrogen bomb is actually here, on the island and that the Udders know where it is, so they set off on the wonderous journey to find the Bomb.

A flashback (or flashforward) is shown where Daniel is with a hot chick about to have sex when suddenly Daniel's mom appears out of nowhere to scold him. Daniel says that "she controlled every bit of her life, the lease she could do is let him have this hot ass chick". And while Daniel's mom appears to think about it, she says "No, you will have old sophisicated english chick, here is a dirary to write all of your feelings into." and Daniel takes the Journel, goes home, lays down in his bed and begins to write in the Journal like a 16-year old girl. Back here, the 1977 version Daniel stops the Losties to speak out and reveal a long hidden secret. He was the Vegetable, he used not have the ability to move but ever since coming to the island, he could move all of his limbs fully. He and the losties then arrive at the camp where he spontaneously combusts due to coming face to face with his younger mother, who is revealed to be from the Jewlery Shop. Jack then tells Faradays mother she is a slag and a young Caleb Nichol knocks him out and takes him and Kate hostage.

"Borrow The Leader"

In 1977; Sawyer and Juliet are forced to watch Phil’s video of two dogs shagging after they are found out to be traitors. Juliet then offers to spend the night with Phil and the dude that is in charge of the DI as long as the next day they let her and Sawyer leave the island on the yellow submarine. They agree and the next day they are carted off to the sub for the mainland. Meanwhile Hurley steals loads, and I mean loads, of food from the Dhestop kitchens and he is chased, along with Miles and Gin into the bush where they let slip to Dr. Chang that they are from the future and are part of a show called “LOST”.

Meanwhile Jack and Kate are tied to a post as the Udders intend to sacrifice them to Smokey. Jack tells Faraday’s mother that he can bring her son back to life if they let him and Kate go, but Richard the Sexy Immortal tells Jack that they must be sacrificed. Jack then offers to pay Richard his entire salery for appearing on the show to let them go; he agrees and directs them to where Archie the hydrogen bomb is stored so they can bring Faraday back from the dead, Kate however disagrees with Jack’s plans to change history with the bomb as it will mean that she will get arrested, locked up and become some woman’s bitch. She tries to leave but an udder goes to stop her before Sayid does some of that kung fu shit on him, killing him; in a similar style to that seen in the Season 3 finale. Kate then leaves anyways and is placed on Sawyer’s lap in the sub, which gives him an erection and angers Juliet. Sayid tells Jack that he will go along with his “craaaazzzzyyy” plan as he did a runner from the Travelodge without paying and re-writing history will get the owner off his back. Jack, Sayid, Richard and Faraday’s mother then swim into a deep dark cave and find the bomb.

Back To The Future... is a good film. Anyway in 2007; John Lockestockandtwosmokingbarrels is reunited with the Udders and Richard the Sexy Immortal Uder, Whom he presents with the present of a box of Dunkin Donuts. Sun then shows Richard the still fading picture of Jack, Kate and all the others and asks if he had sexual relations with any of them. Richard does not deny that he is gay but tells Sun that even if he had wanted to he would never have got the chance as he saw all these people die in the past as a result of Hurley’s cooking. Richard then asks were Locke has been for the past three years and Locke tells him he has been tanning it up in Ibiza and that he is not infact Locke but someone else whom is merely borrowing the Udder's leaders (Locke’s) body so that he can fuck Jacob (the Udders leader). Richard then tells Locke or the person thats posing as him that he will take him to see Jacob right now so he can kill him, but this fake Locke tells Richard that he must first go and see the real Locke who is time-jumping still and will arrive at the field where Richard removed the bullet from his leg in the series opener. They head there and are shocked to see that it is not Ethan that shot the real Locke but yet another Locke who has come back in time to kill himself to stop his body from being stolen by the imposter. As they follow Richard along the beach, everyone starts to sing "Borrow the leada leada, borrow the leada leada!".

"The Indecent"

Part 1

Realizing that they have gone nearly two whole seasons without explaining the heck Jacob is the writers throws in a flashbacksshowing this dude starting with Jacob sitting at the foot of the giant statue where he is joined by a Man wearing a black shirt. The black dude comments on a boat that Jacob has made from a butter tub before asking Jacob if he knows how badly he wants to fuck him. After denying his advances, the other man leaves and Jacob is finally shown to be John Locke!! YES!!! We all knew it!!

Back in 1977, Jack and Sayid swim 200-meters into the cave where the bomb is. An impressed Jack asks Sayid where he learned to be such a good swimmer, Sayid tells Jack that he can swim further than that, infact he can do 500 meters and has a certificate to prove it. This conversation is broken up by Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder who asks Jack if he knows John Locke. Jack says he does and Richard asks if Locke is gay. Jack says Locke is not. Richard is disappointed. Sayid then dismantles the bomb and takes out what appears to be the actual hydrogen bomb all along, proving that Archie always has something to hide

A flashback of Locke under the alias of Jacob visiting a local supermarket where a young Kate is robbing some lunchboxes. The store’s owner wants to chop Kate’s hand off for her stealing but Jacob agrees to pay for the lunchbox for her and she is spared. He then tells her to be good or she won’t get a part on this amazing TV show called LOST. Young Kate agrees and and Jacob touches her in the nose, then the arm and then some really innapropriate places, Jacob then leaves.

Meanwhile on the yellow submarine; Kate tells Sawyer and Juliet that Jack is going to bomb the island for no reason what so ever. Sawyer tells Kate that this is a good idea as it will mean that the show will be no more because he and the viewers are tied having spent 5 years trying to work out the mysteries of the show. Juliet, under the influence of the producers and writers who are wispering directly in her ear, then comments that the faithful viewers will not be happy if the show simply ends without all the answers that are needed so they have to stop Jack’s plan. Sawyer eventually agrees to tag along and the trio is shot out of the torpedo tube in the direction of the island.

Another flashback then shows Jacob visiting Sawyer whose parents have just conned each other to death. Jacob tells Sawyer he is sorry for his parents death and offers him a cheap BIC Biro pen as collateral damage. A young Sawyer accepts the pen.

Landing on the beach Sawyer and co. find Rose and Bernard. Kate explains that they need to know where Jack is so they can stop him. Rose and Bernard (despite not being anywhere near Jack or knowing where he is) direct them to the cave where the bomb is located. The trio then leaves with Sawyer asking Rose and Bernard to join them. Bernard explains that they have to stay behind to die in that cave to tie up a plot strand still going from the first season.

There is then a flashback featuring Juliet, Jacob does not come to her who makes her upset and this causes her parents to split up.

Back in 1977 having dismantled the hydrogen bomb, Jack and Sayid take it through the Dhesktop Barracks, stopping off along the way to play a game of dressing up. This proves a bad idea as it gives Roger “The Big R” Franklin just enough time to recognize and shoot Sayid; unfortunately the bomb does not go off. The pair are then rescued by Miles, Hurley and Jin all of whom are drunk, and driving a coach. Jack tells Hurley to drive them to the swan construction site and Hurley bombs it flat out to get there wasting all the petrol. As a result they are forced to stop just as Kate, Sawyer and Juliet emerge from the undergrowth quickly reapplying their clothes.

Part 2

Jack exits the coach having run out of petrol and having seen Kate, Sawyer and Juliet emerge from an undergrowth just in front of said coach. Sawyer tells Jack that they need to talk, so Jack tells them to get into the coach so they can discuss his plan. Sawyer tells Jack that they can’t get into the bus with him to discuss his plan as they won’t fit in there with Jack’s massive ego. Thus Jack agrees to speak to Sawyer alone in the trees... nothing gay happens though! A fight then breaks out between the pair with Sawyer battering Jack. Seeing Sawyer overpower Jack turns Kate on and seeing Kate getting turned on by this, Juliet forces Sawyer to stop beating Jack and everyone leaves Sawyer and Juliet alone. Juliet tells Sawyer that she noticed him getting an erection over Kate as well as Kate getting turned on by him battering Jack. Sawyer does not deny the claims and asks Juliet if Kate can join in their relationship. Juliet slaps Sawyers cock and leaves.

Flashback to Sayid walking with his bride Narnia down a busy New York street. They are about to cross the road when Jacob appears asking Sayid for directions to Starbucks. While Sayid tells him to fuck off, he does not notice that Jacob pushes Nadia into the road where she is hit by a car. Sayid runs to her side and Jacob leaves knowing his handy work will result in Sayid returning to the island just like he wanted.

Meanwhile in 2007 Unlocke (A combination of Uncyclopedia and Locke... get it?) is being led by Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder to Jacob, while Locke leads the udders behind him. Meanwhile, They then arrive at what is left; a Monthy Python foot which Richard informs is the home of Jacob. Unlocke claims that it is a nice foot because he himself has a foot fetish. Ben and Unlocke then enter the statue...

Flashback to Jacob sat on a bench reading a book. Behind him a man falls out of a window and lies motionless on the ground. Jacob wakes the man up and said man, who is the real John Locke is shocked to see himself looking back at him. The other Locke posing as Jacob tells the real Locke that he has health insurence and everything is going to be alright before leaving, not even bothering to answer the question why Jacob looks like John Locke.;

Back below the statue, Unlocke gives Ben a pink dildo to lighten the mood, but Ben is as shocked as we are when he discovers that Jacob is infact Locke. Unlocke then sets on the appropriate mood music and sets the mood for loving. Jacob, realizing that Unlocke is his soulmate, begins to have hot intimite sex with each other and Ben faints as what he's just seen what might techinically count for insest, mainly because they look the same. Unlocke and Jacob are still busy doing it when suddenly he slips off the bed and rolls into a fire at the centre of the room. Outside the statue, Sun and Richard get considerably drunk off sea water while the bird who “arrested” Sayid before the crash of flight 369 arrives with her posse and a massive crate containing a year’s supply of porno for the udders as well as another crate containing a body. The dead body of John Locke!!! Confused; Sun then asks how many versions of Locke are going to appear on the show, while Richard is more worried as to whom he let enter his foot. Frank then confirms that it is Locke’s body as he saw it earlier in the episode!

There is then a final flashback of Jack in hospital botching up some surgery on someone because he is a crap surgeon. After the patient is well enough to die Jack leaves the operating room to get a snack. With the vending machine broken, Jacob appears offering Jack a packet of Jacob's Cream Crackers which he accepts. Jacob then touches him in the hand and leaves briskly.

Back in 1977, Jack enters the swan construction site but sees that it is heavily guarded. Agreeing to help, Sayid waves his hands in the air shouting “Look at me I’m an Iraqi and I have a nuclear bomb!” this leads Phil the security dude and his team to chase him into the jungle, leaving Sawyer, Juliet, Kate, Miles and Hurley to take hostage those left at the site. While Kate decides which of the Dhesktop recruits they have taken hostage she would shag, Jack drops the bomb into a hole and it does not explode... Jack then reads the side of the bomb which says “Made in China”, now he knows why it won’t explode. Realizing that one of them will have to go down into the hole and smash the bomb until it blows up, the survivors agree to draw straws. Juliet gets the smallest one and is forced down the hole by Kate who desperately wants Sawyer back for two episodes next season before going back to Jack. Juliet then hits the bomb several times until it goes BANG!

• explodes*

This explosion is commonly believed to be the indecent, but in fact it is referring to the writers realizing the direction the show took in season five sucked shit because all it was was a test to see if more sex was had on the island, off the island, or in the hippie days of the island; the subplot being the writers finally trying to decide whether the show was syfy themed or religious. So in the finale they killed god before deciding that next season would be even more religious then before because of that.

Season Six

"Laxatives"

Part 1

Juliet has just detonated the bomb, a white light. We pull back, to reveal... it's Jack on a plane! Shock horror! A NEW season opener device! Jack sits there by himself as he has no mates. A stewardess then tries to cheer him up by giving him a vodka shot; distilled, not shaken or stirred! As Jack downs the vodka the plane experiences turbalence but the plane does not crash like it did in season one. Jack holding on to dear life in the process Rose and Bernard laugh at Jack for being such a pussy. The camera then pulls down to reveal that the Island is... UNDERWATER!!! However could this happened, oh wait it happened when they detonated the bomb.

Flash back to the 1970's. This time the bomb goes off and theres a white light that brings back the Losties, one of those Volkswagon vans, a change of clothes for all but Jack and Gin, Hurley's guitar case, some Dhesktop beer and a Sat Nav. Awaking in the jungle in the dead of night, Kate climbs a tree to see if she can see the plane that Faraday's plan was supposed to get them back on, she is almost knocked out of the tree however when Miles comes swinging down on vines doing his Tarzan impression. Landing on the ground he and Kate see the old door to the hatch and a note from Desmond reading "You're back in the present, brotha. Just popped out for some acid and new music that doesn't suck, be back soon, brotha!" This makes them realize that they are back they rush to the crater of the now destroyed hatch where Jack is running around waving his arms shouting "NO MORE PARTYING! NO MORE PARTYING!! NO MORE PARTYING!!!" (Only that bit was in Korean.) Jack then awakens and realises that his plan has gone to pieces yet again. Sawyer then kicks his ass for letting Juliet die, but they find out she is not dead after all, but buried under the wreckage! (due to time travel) So they free her from the wreckage and after saying something about how she perfered Jack over Sawyer, dies. This makes Sawyer beat up Jack again.

In a flashback or a flashforward or whatever the hell these are Desmond then comes and sits next to Jack, who asks if they have met before. Desmond reminds Jack they met at the beginning of Season 2 when he and Locke blew open the Hatch, Jack still doesn't remember but puts it down to the vodka shot that the stewardess gave him. Jack then goes to the toilet a couple of times because he has a bladder weakness, before saving Charlie's life after he has tried to swallow 25 condoms on string each one containing drugs. Meanwhile, Boone whines to Locke being brought for fanservice that only lasts a few minutes and Locke runs us through the safety procedures on Oceanic Flight 815. Hurley is forced to do his impression of Hurley from Season 2 and Sawyer reads one of those crappy in-flight magazines. On the other side of the isle is Kate who (ironically is still a criminal, hot and arrested) is having the lasagne for her tea while the rest of the people have fish.

While this is occuring, Jacob appears to Hurley and tells him that he was raped by a friend from his tire company and he is now a ghost, which does not make sense (contradictiory sense). He tells Hurley that he must take Sayid to a really lavish and expensive spa built by the Dhesktop Initiative which will serve as compensation for being shot on set, otherwise the actor might sue the show. When Jack and the others join Hurley and Sayid again Hurley tells Jack that he cannot save Sayid as he is a crap doctor, but Jack might be able to save him as he has superdoctor skills. Hurley then uses the Sat Nav to get directions to the Island's temple, which will lead them to the spa. Everyone except Sawyer and Miles go as they can now get a look at Juliet's tits now that she's dead. Arriving at the Temple Hurley somehow manages to fit through a small hole in the ground (that's the magic of the Island!) and get inside followed by Gin who is yet again carrying someones body as his character has not had much to do yet. The Udders then ambush them and take them inside, where they meet none other than acclaimed martial arts expert Bruce Lee!

Part 2

Bruce Lee gives the order to shoot them, but just before they do Hurley yells out that Jacob sent them. After a few tense seconds Bruce Lee gives the order to shoot them again, but this time Hurley yells out that Jacob gave him the guitar case. Bruce Lee guy opens the case and finds a memo from Jacob which says "Bruce. I'll be sending Hurley and co. over to the Temple if that's alright. Make sure you don't shoot them. PS. give Hurley the contents of the guitar case, he needs them. - J". The guy then gives Hurley the contents of the case which is revealed to be several boxes of laxatives to help Hurley lose weight. Bruce Lee then asks where Jacob is to which Hurley adds "Oh, sorry, did I not mention that dude? He's dead!". "Dead?", replies Bruce. "YES HE'S DEEEEEEAAAADDDDD! WISEGUY" Hurley replys in the tone of an italian guy. A huge party is then set off in an instant with fireworks, confetti and alarm sound effects, followed by conventional club music and the serving up of party food. Everyone in the temple then parties into the night without a care in the world.

The plane then lands in LAX where Jack's dad's coffin is discovered to have been put on the other Flight 815 - the one from Season One, while Kate is taken to the toilet by US Marshal Edward Mars who is knocked out by several women who think he is in there to peek in on them. Kate then gets into a cab with Claire who reluctantly agrees to stick around for the season. Hurley is then shown waiting for a cab with that frogurt guy while Sayid plays a joke on airport security by leaving a bag unattended in the arrivals lounge. Jack and Locke also discuss who out of the two of them is the most important character on the show.

Back on the island; inside the base of the Monty Python foot, Unlocke cleans his knife and tells Ben to go get Richard for a board meeting. Ben goes outside and sees the other Locke dead in the box/crate. Realising that there is yet another Locke, Ben urges the peoplenot to go into the Foot, because Locke is dead, yet he's also not dead, but he had sex with Jacob who was also Locke so that means it's a PARADOXXX!!!. Inside the foot Unlocke transforms into a car and then a smoke monster killing the people from flight 619. He then heads outside and tells Richard that he is not Locke but Jacob's enemy: Locke! All the people stood by the foot then watch as a giant firework is launched telling Unlocke that a party is going on and he just needs to go to the firework site to completely ruin it. He then knocks Richard out and drags him into the jungle telling the others that Richard is a naughty boy and must be punished.

"Who Kate Does"

Sayid awakens from his bath at the Dhesktop Spa totally refreshed and asks the other Udders to torture him as he likes feeling pain, and because it will waste some screen time. Meanwhile Jack wants to know why the budget has stretched to just one set piece for the first two episodes. Miles however, is more concerned with how Sayid can be alive like the always dead Mikhali but Hurley tells everyone that they should be worried that he might die in a future episode as he is wearing a red shirt, which they do! Sawyer then escapes from the temple and tells Jack that he is going back to the Travelodge so that the camara crew will have to follow him and thus revisit a place we've been before. Jack is happy but tells Sawyer to go alone as he will only be slowed down by Jack's massive ego. Kate wants to go with Sawyer. Sawyer says no! Kate insists. Sawyer tells her to fuck off and leave him alone and stop sticking her nose into other peoples business. He goes on to tell her that none of the fans like her and tells her not to follow him. He leaves. Kate follows a millisecond later followed by Gin shouting "Sun?! Sun?! I must find my wife!" echoing Michael's hunt for Walt in Season 1.

In the flash-whatevers to 2004 Kate has just got into a minibus with Claire and has a banana pointed at the driver who bails, arms flailing wildly in the air. Kate Kate then heads to a car garage where a big oily dude offers to take her handcuffs off for a sex session; Kate agrees.

Back on the island; while trying to find Sawyer, Kate builds a trap to knock out the Udders that have followed her and Gin, she then tells Gin to stop going on and find his wife once and for all putting a plot device to rest that has been going since Season 3. She then finds Sawyer at his and Juliet's old house masturbating over a picture of Juliet. Kate watches slightly turned on, Sawyer notices and threatens to shoot her because, as he mentioned earlier, she shouldn't stich her nose into other people's business. Back at the temple Morpheus gives Jack a choice of two pills; Jack takes one which turns out to be poison, although it will take several episodes to kill him Jack realises it does not cause a high and performs the Heimlich maneuver on himself spitting it out, what were they thinking, Jack should of swallowed it like a man! Back at the Travelodge Sawyer decides to cut his losses and asks Kate to marry him, while in the jungle the Udders attack Gin, who is rescued by a badass Claire with whose haircut has been transported back to the 1980's due to the season 5 time flashes.

Back in the flash-sidewhatevers and inside the minibus; Kate discovers that Clare is pregnant and that the baby is coming. Kate drives Claire to a hospital where the healthcare is free, due to Obama's evil universal healthcare plan. The baby is then delivered to Claire by some postal workers. Kate suddenly discovers that she is bisexual, with that she and Claire make out as the episode ends.

"The Prostitute"

The scene opens with Locke arriving home after his flight home from the Oceanic Flight 815 that did not crash. He enters his house and is shocked to discover that his girlfriend is alive, even though she was dead in season five. SHOCKING!!! While we were busy realizing this, Locke's list fails, causing him to be stranded on the ramp the same way he was stranded on the island, okay that's not a good metaphor.

On the island. Unlocke takes Richard Alpert into the jungle where he reveals a small wrestling ring that he has created. He tells Richard that they must fight it out for control of the island. Richard agrees but when Unlocke pulls some trully awesome submission moves on him, Richard runs off into the jungle like a pussy with Unlocke following where he finds Sawyer who agrees to fight him for control of the island. Unlocke and Sawyer then fight but Sawyer loses and Unlocke is forced to admit that no one is as great as him. He then heads home, with Sawyer who has come to stay.

At the Monty Python foot that women off flight 619 asks Ben what happened at the end of Season 5 and for once Ben doesn't lie, he tells her everything everything that happens during the entire series, including the finale. The woman then says that they must all go to the Temple as it is the Seasons focus right now and if they don't then they won't get any screen time. During a Flaswhichway his douche of a boss fires him because he likes to see John suffer. John then tries to get into his van but bloody Hugo has parked too close to him as Hugo is fat and needs the space to get out his car. An angry Locke then gets out of his wheelchair and moves his van so he can get in. He then gets back in his wheelchair and gets into his car when Hugo comes out of a porn shop and says "sorry dude. I didn't realise that I was so fat. My bad..." Locke doesn't care and goes to a local drive-thru where he tries to share his feelings and worries with the person on the other end of "the box" but the police turn up and warn Locke that he has been warned about "teasing the box" and Locke speeds off.

Back on the Island, Sun then suggests that they bury Locke, the real Locke, in the crate, from the plane crash.. THE ONE THAT'S NOT THE SMOKIE OKAY??. They then bury him and Ben makes a "moving" speech about moving the real Locke back to where he was birthed. After a brief pause he reveals to the others that he is just kidding and is sorry for nothing. Another flashupsideways happens in which at a temp agency John meets Rose who tells Locke that she will probably guest in one more episode plus this years finale, Locke is pleased but goes when she starts banging on about Bernard and Locke leaves going past a school where there is a "Help Wanted" sign. Locke enquires and is told they are hiring for a Physical Education teacher. Locke says he can do that and the guy hires him due to the fact that Physical Education teachers never really do anything at all. He then goes to the cafe where he orders an 40 oz. Ben shows up and approves of his choice and tells Locke to meet him in the 6th floor supply room after work. Some time later Locke returns home to find his girlfriend is still alive, he tells her that his walkabout was shit and a complete and utter waste of money. Seeing him so depressed, she tells him she should call Jack Shephard to look at his legs in a sexual way but Locke tells her that Jack is a douche and that they haven't liked each other since the end of season three.

Back on the island, Unlocke and Sawyer arrive at Unlocke's home and it is revealed that there is a giant list on his wall with all the names future episodes from this series, there are three others but it's hard to make out what they say. He tells Sawyer that the air dates will occur one week after each other with the exception of the finale which airs 5 days later then usual. From a desk draw he pulls out a human shopping list which he crosses John Locke's name off the list of all the victims he has "eaten" and taken the form off. Then shouting "I'M HUNGRY!!!" he runs off into the forrest in the direction of the Temple in an attempt to try and eat Jack, who looks very, very suculient.

"The Lighthouse Keeper's Lunch"

At the temple. Jack tells Sayid that the Udders tried to poison him. Sayid is angry. Hurley meanwhile opens several boxes of the laxatives that had been in the guitar case he had been given and starts taking them when Jacob appears. Jacob tells Hurley that he must deliver lunch to Earl who is the owner of a mysterious lighthouse on the island, he also tells Hurley that Jack needs to go too because this episode is centric on him. Jacob also reveals that this side story will be much more interesting alongside Jack’s flash-inside-out things that are as dull as watching any show on The CW. We then see these flashes of Jack in which we see him interacting with his son... What is this, 90210?

They leave and meet Kate who is skinny dipping in the creek. Jack tells her she looks hot but Kate tells Jack she fancies Sawyer Claire. Jack tells Kate that Claire is apparently evil and therefore she is not a lesbian. Kate is disappointed, disappointed that she would have to go back to Jack or Sawyer and she stays on the lake where she is filming her post-Lost pornography movie. Jack and Hurley then find the caves where they find alot of stuff from Season's past, including Adam & Eve; Hurley unfortunatly, gets a gun, shouts "FANSERVICE!!!" and shoots at the items froms Seasons past, killing them. They then arrive at the lighthouse which is on the edge of a very dangerous cliff. Jack wonders how they are going to get the food to the lighthouse keeper and Hurley tells him “Dude I think I have to use the dress up as a rat to distract the birds while you pull the food up the pully system." Jack then takes Hurley's advice and dresses Hurley up as a giant rat to distract the birds, Jackface then uses the pulley system to enter the lighthouse with the food and is followed by Hurley.

Inside they head to the top where they are disappointed to discover that Earl is actually a computer (Electronic Automatic Robotic Lighthouse). Jack is annoyed that there is noone and starts smashing the place up, causing any ship, plane or car to crash on the island due to a lack of a lighthouse. Hurley then come across a magic mirror with the serial number 109. Hurley and Jack realise that this number is one more than the sum of all the numbers on the show. Jacob appears again to Hurley and is shocked by this telling him “Hugo. I didn’t know you were good at math?! You must get John to look at himself in the mirror, it will enhance his ego”. Hurley does so with Jack proclaiming “Mirror, mirror on the wall, whos the finest candidate of them all?”, A picture of John Locke appears and Jack smashes the mirror and runs away.

In the jungle Claire brings Gin to her swanky new pad and they feast off one of the others. Claire tells Gin that she is looking for Kate; when Gin asks why, Claire reveals that she caught herpes from Kate and wants revenge. Gin offers to take her on route back to the temple with the hope of finding Kate. On the way they bump into Unlocke who tells them that the party is just getting started at the temple and they must arrive before Sawyer who John is having a race with to see who can get there first. With this they all run off into the jungle towards the temple, with Locke tripping Gin up and laughing...

"Scumtown!"

The episode opens on the island with the party in full swing at the temple. Sayid gets bladdered and smashes something which results in Bruce lee and John Lennon chucking him out. Outside he meets Unlocke who tells him that he, Clare, Gin and Sawyer have all been invited to the party and have brought a keg. He knocks on the door but that John Lennon dude won’t let him in. Unlocke then sends Sayid and Clare into the temple to deliver a message while he waits for Sawyer and Gin. Sayid and Clare re-enter the temple and get up on stage, taking over the sound system and delivering Unlocke’s “Calling Card” by singing “Here comes The Man In Black....” and “the smoke monster roams tonight” and then Unlocke jumps up on the stage and tries to rap like Ekonomikz but he fails miserably. Embarassed, he quickly turns into smoke and leaves the temple as fast as he can. As punsihment for Unlocke's horrible rapping, the Udders throw Clare in a pit full of lions.

Outside Unlocke knocks on the door again and tells the udders that all he wants is Jack to “eat”. The udders tell him that Jack is not there, but Unlocke doesn’t believe them saying “Your all liars...You’re all scum!" Unlocke then warns everyone that if they do not turn Jack over to him by sundown then he will enter “Scumtown” and kill them all. Meanwhile Kate returns to the temple where she finally finds Clare. After freeing Clare from the lion encloser, Clare reveals that when they made out a few episodes ago Kate gave her herpes. Kate tells Clare that that is impossible as she is perfect; Clare then tells Kate “Nobody is perfect” before kissing her and making out in the pit. Elsewhere Ben and all those that had been at the Monty Python foot arrive at the temple. Sun turns into a female Michael by shouting “GIN? GIN? GIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNN!!!”.

As the episode progresses we get flashes of Sayid in which he is seen to have made it back to LAX and bummed his girlfriend Narnia....Nadia who turns out to be married to his brother. Sayid then discovers that his brother is entangled in a prostitution racket with some gay gangsters so Sayid agrees to kill them for him as he is a kick-ass killer. He arrives at the place where the men are to be and Martin Creamy shows up, who was previously thought to be dead. Sayid shoots him in orxcder to fix this contradiction. Sayid then hears a knocking coming from a small closet which he opens and discovers a naked Gin inside, tied up with bondage chains. Sayid smiles, enters and then closes the door behind him...

As night falls several of the udders phone Damon and Carlton who tell them that need to be in some more episodes before they can be killed off, thus they decide that they must join Unlocke. The rest wait in the temple and at sundown, Sayid and Bruce Lee battle it out in the spa, with Sayid raping and murdering Bruce. We then see a shot of Bruce’s balls rolling away from his body.... Unlocke transforms into a giant cigarette and then a pillar of smoke and goes on a rampage in the temple killing everyone but the ones the fans like... And oh Yeah!, Kate. With the survivors escaping once again into the jungle Unlocke discovers that the udders were telling the truth, that Jackass is not at the temple. With this he climbs to the top of the temple and looks out across the island muttering under his breath “I’ll get you Jack Shephard...” to which Jack responds “No you won’t....” from the top of the lighthouse. Unlocke then states “YES I WILL....” and with this he climbs down off them temple and leads Unlocke's Posse off into the jungle. "Won't..." Jack says quietly...

"Dr. Bunny Killer"

After work, Ben meets up with Locke in the 6th floor store room. Dr. Arzt from series one also shows up and Ben knocks him unconcious leaving him and Locke to get busy, with Ben telling Locke that one day he will rule the school. This turns Locke on. After getting down and dirty with Locke, Ben heads home where his dad Roger "The Big R" Linus is waiting for him. Again Ben screams "FANSERVICE" and shoots him, then opens a meal for one.

On this island, following the events of "Scumtown!", Ben, the chick from flight 619, Miles, Sun and Frank flee from the temple, after the attack by Unlocke. The chick from flight 619 asks Miles to "talk to" Jacob's ashes and try and find out who killed him, Miles tells her that he can do that, but he'll need the blood of Ben. Afraid of being beaten up again, Ben then confesses to seeing Jacob have sex with the Man in Black as well "I've been evil for three and a bit seasons now, lets see how things pan out if I start telling the truth..." They then arrive back at the survivors original beach camp where the chick from flight 619 chains Ben up and forces him to dig a mass grave as she has been given the future scripts to the series by Jacob and knows who's going to die. Unlocke then appears to Ben, pointing and laughing at how much of a pussy Ben has become this series before disappearing again.

A flashsideways then happens where it appears that Ben is off the island (Dun! Dun! Dun!) and working in a school. One day he is in the teachers lounge when he meets John Locke who wants an Earl Gay Tea. Ben shows approval of Locke's choice, and while leaving tells him to meet him in the 6th floor store room after work. While this is occuring Jack and Hurley make their way back to the temple from the Lighthouse. They then bump into Richard who reveals that the other cast and crew deserted him in the jungle and he didn't know where he was, as a result he has been surviving by drinking his own urine. Jack tells Richard that he and Hurley are heading back the Temple, Richard then informs Jack that the temple is destroyed and those inside it killed. Hurley looks disappointed knowing the laxatives Jacob gave him where in the guitar case at the temple and were probably destroyed as a result, thus meaning he won't be able to loose the nessessary weight Jacob wanted him to. Jack is happy with the information of the temple being destroyed as he believes it will mean they can add new places to the episodes, Richard then gives the rest of the episodes script to Jack and says "If only....We have to go to the Black Rock and then onto your old beach camp, talk about rehashing old sets", Jack responds with "For fuck sake...".

A flashwichway happens where Ben is teaching a class about a show called Lost and how it confused millions with it's incomprehensible plotlines and sometime after this he is seen to try and take his teacher pupil relationship with the French Chick's daugher Alex to the next level, unfortunately Alex reveals that she is dating a man called Jeff Goldblum and Ben is annoyed. On route to the beach, the trio stop at the Black Rock slave ship in the jungle where Hurley reminiscences about Dr. Arzt blowing himself up way back in series one. Richard then as a joke lights a stick of the dynamite and runs around with it pretending to be Arzt just before he got blown up. Jack and Hurley laugh, while the dynamite does not go off as the guy playing Richard is on contract at least until episode... well I don't know what episode he dies in. After work, Ben meets up with Locke in the 6th floor store room. Dr. Arzt from series one also shows up and Ben knocks him unconcious leaving him and Locke to get busy, with Ben telling Locke that one day he will rule the school. This turns Locke on. After getting down and dirty with Locke, Ben heads home where his dad Roger "The Big R" Linus is waiting for him. Again Ben screams "FANSERVICE" and gasses him, he promptly comes back to life and they have a meal for two.

Back on the island, after this fun in the jungle, they arrive back at the beach camp where there is yet another reunion and the party on the beach gets into full swing with Jack, Hurley, Miles and Ben raiding Sawyers old porn stash. While everyone parties on down on the beach, making some sweet, sweet love, just offshore is the Yellow Submarine, which is owned and carrying Caleb Nichol. Inside the sub, a man tells Caleb that there are people on the beach and that Ben is one of them. Caleb Nichol replies "That bug-eyed bastard! FIRE THE TORPEDOS...". The crew try to do this but they discover something is blocked within the firing tube. Caleb Nichol opens it and Charlie falls out. "What the bloody hell are you doing in there" Widmore asks to which Charlie responds "Sorry mate, I was just doing some heroin". Caleb Nichol then instructs Charlie back to his seat alongside Michael, Walt, Libby, Ana Lucia, Juliet, Boone, Shannon and all the other "dead" or former characters. Caleb Nichol then informs them that this is his ultimate plan, to return all of the former characters to the island in time for the series finale. With that they all start singing "Yellow Submarine" as the sub continues on its course with Caleb Nichol laughing evilily in the background...

"Retcon"

This week’s episode begins with Unlocke leading his posse to a beach near the small island. He tells the group that if Jack and company can party on down on a beach then so can they. As the vino starts to flow, Claire gets steamed and tries to extract revenge on Kate for giving her herpes. Claire tries to inject Kate with Chlamydia but Unlocke stops her saying “No! NO! Not until episode 16!”. While this is occurring Sawyer is becoming increasingly pissed off at being sidelined by dull characters like Kate and decides that as he is hardly being used he’ll pop to the store for a carton of smokes. He then sets sail on a floating door but ends up on the small island where he bumps into Caleb Nichol. Charles tells James that he has returned to the island in the hope that he can turn that massive frozen wheel and go back in time when he used to be part of the cast of Neighbours, as those were the “good old days”. In order to do so however, he has to get all of the former cast members that had left the show back to the island before the finale without Unlocke seeing.

The scene then cuts to a flash-sideback of Sawyer off of the island. In these events Sawyer is a cop working in Hazard County gunning it around the place in a 1972 Dodge Charger nicknamed “The General Lee”. Miles is his partner (whatever you think partner means) and together they solve the most dangerous crimes in the US. One day while nothing is going down, Sawyer tries to track down the guy who killed parents so that he can tie up an unresolved plot point from Season 3, while Miles organises Sawyer a date with the hottest bird in town Daisy Duke.

Back on the Island. Sawyer then makes a deal with Caleb Nichol to lure Unlocke into a trap where a time travelling Locke from Season 5 will show up and kill the Unlocke in exchange for a carton of smokes. Caleb Nichol and Sawyer then go into Nichol's birth and “seal the deal”. Sawyer then returns to the larger island and to Unlocke who he tells about Caleb Nichol and the deal he made. Unlocke then makes Sawyer a better offer. He’ll give Sawyer two packets of smokes in exchange for a showdown with Caleb Nichol; Sawyer naturally agrees. After getting his two packs of smokes from Unlocke, Sawyer joins Kate who is alone and crying as she has just come to realise that none of the fans like her. Sawyer explains that he has been trying to tell her this since the start of series four but she never listened. Jin then pops up and says something in Korean...or was that English? while Sawyer explains to Kate that the three of them are going to build a kick ass rocket to fly them off the island once and for all.

After work Sawyer goes to a bar to meet Daisy but he is stood up. Instead he is met by Charlotte who joins him at the bar. Sawyer is confused and thinks she is a zombie, he is about to shoot her when she reveals that Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse have sent her. They wanted her to tell Sawyer that they are retconing all the continuity and all the deaths of characters in Lost to bring everyone back for the finale, which means that Juliet will once again be alive and Sawyer will be happy again as he will be able to get a glance at her tits. Sawyer shows his gratitude by banging Charlotte and then shooting her. He then turns up at work where Miles informs him that some character is on the run from a US Marshall and that they have had a tip off as to where she may be. The pair of them give chase in the General Lee, crashing into the suspect’s car. Sawyer drags her out of the car and discovers its Kate they have been chasing. A massive crowd of fans then gather around Kate to see her naked then chucks paint over her and Sawyer and Miles laugh as the episode ends.

"A... An Episode With Richard Alpert"

This week’s episode begins on the beach in the aftermath of Jack and companies wild party. Jack asks the woman from flight 619 what they should do now the party is over but she is so off her face that Richard steps in to answer for Jack. Richard tells Jack that he doesn’t know what is supposed to happen next as the writers are still penning the finale, in the meantime he suggests that they make a campfire and he explain how he came to the island in order to waste an episode. Hurley thinks this sounds like a good idea as the fans have been banging on about who Richard was and why he never ages, etc. Before Richard tells his story, Sun asks about where Gin is just to show the viewers she has not forgotten about her husband. The rest of the episode is then an extended flashback... Wait a minute; a flashback??!! Yes that’s right a FLASHBACK!!!, with Richard narrating over the top like a child’s fairytale.

In the flashback to 1867 Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder is tanning it up with his wife on holiday in Tenerife. One day his wife becomes extremely ill so Richard gets in his Smart Car and rags it to the doctor’s house in an attempt to get some medicine. The doctor turns out to be an ancestor of Jack Shepard with the same dreadful beard who tells Richard that he cannot have the medicine unless he has gay sex with him. Richard refuses Jack’s ancestor’s advances by pushing his head through a table which kills him. Richard then returns home to find his wife even more ill. He asks her what’s wrong and she tells him that she is sick and tired of waiting for the show’s writer's to answer the fans questions; with that, she dies. The police then burst in and an ancestor of Sawyer arrests Richard for refusing the gay sex the doctor had order.

In prison Richard is visited by a priest, who is revealed to be Ekonomikz, who has become a priest during his downtime. He tells Richard that he will not go to hell for what he has done, but instead the island as the script dictates. Richard is then bought as a sex slave by a dude called Captain Jack Sparrow who owns a ship called The Black Rock. Inside Richard is tied up in bondage chains with several other slaves. One night while onboard the ship is caught in a giant net which Jacob has planted in the sea. The net weeps the ship up and crashes it into the island’s statue which is demolished as a result, thus proving uncyclopedia's long-supported theory that inch-thick styrofoam ship sets are much harder than giant stone statues. The ship then comes to rest in the jungle and Jack Sparrow comes down to execute all the slaves as all of the food will be wasted on them. He leaves Richard alive as he is the best looking slave, especially with all the eyeliner. Just as Sparrow is about to violate Richard the badass smoke monster appears and kills everyone else as they have no more purpose to the plot. The monster then transforms into the Man in Black, the original one and takes him to a unknown place on the island. Richard asks how come a wooden ship crashed into a stone statue and the statue was damaged but the ship remained intact. The Man In Black shows Richard a YouTube video explaining that styrofoam is stronger then wood in a highly scientific matter, which Richard does not explain. The Man In Black then send Richard to get Jacob for him.

On the beach Richard heads to Jacob’s little bachelor pad at the bottom of the statue but is tackled by Jacob. Jacob surprisingly knows what Richard is going to do and therfore submerges him in water until he gets enough brain damage. Jacob then tells Richard that he can make him live forever, Richard being the spoiled brat that he is, takes the immortality but he does not realize the consequence, that he has to work a horrible office job for as long as he lives. Jacob then sends Richard back to the dude in black with a piece of paper. The Man In Black takes it and it reads "Dear Man in Black, I will not have sex with you, I will have sex with Richard instead - J." and this makes the Man in Black pissed and Richard leaves.

Back on the beach in the present day (well not the present day because that would make it 2010, when it’s actually 2007) Richard finishes telling his story with Hurley saying in Spanish “Dude! That was one hell of a story....Dude!” Jack then asks if anyone else has a ghost story to tell. The chick from flight 619 says that she too has a story involving Jacob and she starts to tell it, but when Miles realises that it’s a rehash of a scene from “The Indecent” he tell her to shut up. The ghost of Jacob then appears to Hurley with the scripts for the series finale. Hurley tells the others that he has an amazing story and starts to read from the scripts with everyone listening. As he starts reading them the epsiode then does a flashback, pissing off fans who were expecting answers... In it, Jacob visits the Man In Black and together they share a bottle of wine and get plastered. Jacob then says “Haha! What suckers the viewers are. Who would have thought that we are working together?!” they then laugh it off and the Man In Black says “But are we...” they laugh again and then they have hot gay sex on the ground below them.

"Jin's Small Package"

On the island, Unlocke’s so-solid crew suddenly feel very sleepy and decide to take 1 hour naps, leaving only Gin awake. This gives Caleb Nichol enough time to kidnap Gin and take him to the small island where he forces Gin to help decode an old Sudoku puzzle. Gin refuges until Widmore pulls out a digital camera with the picture of his tiny “package” on it giving the ultimatum: “Decode the Sudoku or your fellow castaways and friends will know about your little friend”, wanting to protect his pride Gin agrees to decode the puzzle.

Gin and Sun arrive at LAX having landed on Oceanic 815 in yet another flash-sideways. After landing the pair head through customs, where they are scanned in one of those new naked body scanners, which detect something on Gin’s person. This is revealed to be a genuine Ronex watch, the scanners also detect a massive pile of cash, a bottle of lube and some sex toys. Sun tries to explain to the security guards that Gin needs to use the toys on her in an attempt to get pregnant, but then she remembers that she cannot speak English in this timeline so she shuts up. As a result Gin is lead off for a strip search and after taking his clothes off, the guards laugh at the size of his small “package”, one of them then takes a picture on a digital camera to post on the internet.

At the beach camp; Miles helps Hurley track Richard by covering him in bacon grease, which enables enables them to find Richard and bring him back to camp, although Hurley tries to eat him. Sun tries to stop Hurley but she accidently gets some of the grease on her. Hurley then chases her to try and eat her but he comes to his senses when Sun is knocked out by one of those talking and moving trees from Lord Of The Rings. Some time later Super-Doctor Jack comes to check on Sun and is shocked to discover that she can no longer speak english as she has bit her tongue. Jack suggests that she write what she wants to say down on a pad and she does so, with the note revealing how the show ends. In an attempt to stop this reveal from reaching the fans, the network covers it with a giant logo and launch a virus which has shut down the internet for the duration of the series.

Some time later in the flashsideways universe Martin Creamy turns up at Gin and Sun’s hotel room asking where his birthday present is. When he realises that the money is being held by those stupid-lame-ass customs he has Gin beaten up and kidnapped, taking him to a local porn shop where he is stripped naked and tied up in a small closet, with Creamy telling him that he has been a bad boy for losing the money ad must now be punished. A little while after this Gin hears gunshots outside the closet and the door opens to reveal Sayid. Sayid looks at the naked and tied up Gin and walks into the closet closing the room behind him.

Meanwhile Unlocke also pays a visit to the small island to book the plane tickets for him and his crew to leave the island once and for all on the flight 619 plane; he is then confronted by Widmore who tells him that there are not first class seats left available as Hurley has bought them all. A tense stand-off then erupts between the two broken up by the shocking return of Desmond to the island who has come back from getting his milk from the shops. Desmond wants to know what’s going on saying “What the bloody hell is going on here brotha? I only popped out for some milk and I come back and you have trashed my island; who the hell do you think you are brotha? You’ve trashed the place, I’ll have to get the maid in; thanks a bunch brotha!" Caleb Nichol then interrupts Desmond’s rant by asking where his daughter Penny is and if she is safe. Desmond then tells Caleb Nichol that she is safe on show called FlashForward where both bugged-eyd Ben and Unlocke cannot get her. Upon this shocking cliffhanger the episode ends.

"Happily Never After"

This week’s episode begins with Henry Ian Cusick sitting in a chair in a darkened room. He opens a big leather bound book and donning a monocle he says “I hope you’re sitting comfortably brotha, cause this is the story about what happened when Desmond returned to Lost." "You see brotha’ once upon a time there was this magical island and on this island...” with this the episode cuts to the action on the island as it is narrated by the guy that plays Desmond. On the island Caleb Nichol is chatting to Desmond about bringing him back to the island, angered by this Desmond turns psycho and tries to rape Charles but some angry camera men stop him because he is ruining the shot. Widmore then tells Desmond that if Des does not help him then he will forge his signature on the divorce papers and thus break Desmond and Penny apart. Desmond agrees to the plan and enters Caleb Nichol Time Displacement Equipment to travel back in time and kill the Man In Black before he was even born, unfortunately something goes wrong and Desmond emerges in the flash-upside-downs.

Here Desmond arrives at LAX with the rest of the people on the plane. Desmond sees Claire in her normal pregnant state and tells her that she looks fat; Claire tries to tell Desmond that she is up the duff but Desmond maintains that she is fat as all she has done is eat having had a year off doing nothing because she did not appear in series five of Lost. Desmond then goes to Caleb Nichol's office, where Caleb Nichol tells him that he has been asked to arrange a classical music festival, but some prat has booked the VH1-Has-Beens SuckShart to perform at the event. As a result, Caleb Nichol hires Desmond as SuckShaft’s roadie for the evening, with his first job to be collect Charlie from the Looking Glass station where he drowned in Season 3. Desmond does so and he also collects the rest of the band. The band’s truck then blows a tire (as Charlie and his brother never got the money to pay for a new one) and Desmond crashes the tour bus into the ocean. We then see several flashes of why Charlie was so token unpopular on the show.

Sometime later while Desmond is in hospital he experiences a vision of Penny telling him that she needs his help and that she is still stuck in that show FlashForward. In order to save her he discharges himself from the hospital. Daniel Faraway then appears to Desmond and tells him “Desmond, you’re still not in your own world. I can get you home but you have to do exactly as I say.” with this he is yet again shot by that Hawking lady who tells Desmond “I’ve already told you, the universe has a way of making shit right” to which Desmond replies “Enough of this bollocks, I have got to save Penny”. He then tracks her down to a scene of FlashForward, which is already in progress. Here she tells him that she is forced to love another man as a punishment for marrying Desmond. Desmond then assures her that they will get out of here safely, Suddenly, he see's Chrarlie who is also in FlashForward... "Charlie, what you doing here brotha?" said Desmond and Charlie says "Looks like I got a new dig." With that, he knocks out Charlie and runs as fast as she can to his pimped stretch limo, the cast of FlashForward in persuit. Inside he asks his driver to take them to Micky D’s for a dinner date and then to a safe house until the end of the series. He then asks his driver to find out if Claire was really pregnant or just fat and with this they burn rubber into the night.

Back on the island Desmond awakens in a bed next to Sayid. Shocked by this Sayid tells Desmond that he will tell him everything that happened but first they must go and meet Unlocke and his posse cause that’s where the action is at. With this Sayid and Desmond hold hands and skip away down the beach to join Unlocke. We then cut back to the guy that plays Desmond still sitting in the chair and reading from the book, he then closes the book and concludes with the line “And so it came to pass, that everyone lived happy NEVER after. The end... Well ‘till next time, this has been LOST!”. A shot of the band "The PussyCat Dolls" playing their hit song which ironically has the same title as the episode ends.

"Everybody Eats Hugo"

The episode begins with a flash-sideways to a court hearing where Hugo is accused of having liposuction and selling the lost fat via his Mr. Clucks Chicken outlets. After the court retires for the day, Hugo goes to a local restaurant to stuff his face because he is depressed about the possibility of going to prison. Libby then appears and explains to Hugo that there is another timeline on the show and that he was once screwing her on an island until she left him. Hugo asks why she left him and she explains that she was forced to leave at the end of series two because she was involved in a DUI. Dr. Who then comes and takes her away and Hurley notices his big box.

On the island Hugo’s group are starving having eaten everything edible on the island in the previous 10 episodes where they have been doing nothing at all all. At Libby’s grave Hurley tells her that they are all starving and must eat and that they may dig up the dead bodies of the deceased Losties to do so. Michael then appears saying “HURLEY!!!! HURLEY!!!! Thats a disgusting idea, show some respect you fat shit, you tub of lard, you...” and it goes on like this until the woman from flight 619, Ilana, interrupts and tells Hurley that she is off to get some dynamite to blow everyone in Unlocke’s camp up and use the parts to make a soup. Sometime later she returns and reveals that her real plan is to use the dynamite to sink the island so there will be no show as she is sick and tired of waiting for answers. Realizing what she planning to do Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse show up, light the sticks of dynamite and leg it, with them blowing up and killing Ilana. Hurley then tells the camp that what just happened was messed up and they should probably just sit around and talk to Unlocke about the show as that’s what everyone has been doing for the past few episodes.

With this we shift to Unlocke’s camp where Sayid and Desmond come skipping in. They meet Unlocke who takes Desmond to a “special place”, this makes Sayid feel very, very rejected for he is trying the best he can. Unlocke then asks Desmond some questions about his role on the show to remind the viewers who he is as he has been absent for quite a few episodes. They then arrive at the well that the real Locke sent his love down during series five. Looking into the well, Desmond falls and ends up trapped inside. Unlocke then heads back to his camp to get some assistance to get Desmond out of the well. When this is happening, the smoke monster appears and judges Desmond the same way he did to Ben Frankin in Season 5. The smoke monster judges Desmond guilty and as punishment, he is forced to stay in the well for a few episodes.

In the flash-sidewhichways timeline. Hugo finds Dr. Who's big box and Hugo asks Dr. Who if he can see Libby. The Doc. says no until Hugo makes a donation to help the doc repair his battered TARDIS... Hugo then meets Libby and they discuss the problem with him being so fat and it reminds Hugo of his time on the island, although Hugo is still unsure as to whether it was really an island or a TV show, at least it means Libby is not crazy... or does it?

Back at the beach in the regular timeline. Sun is busy mopping the sand of Ilana’s blood and body parts while Ben notices that the blast blew some of Hurley’s fat off his body, making him slightly slimmer. Hurley then tells the others that they should eat his fat as they have not had a decent meal in days so they do, well all but Miles, Ben and Richard who find the idea disgusting and they head out to the Travelodge to find some real food and hopefully a change of clothes. Jack decides not to go with Miles, Richard and Ben as he believes the Travelodge has been done to death and as has the beach, instead he insists that he, Hurley, Frank and Sun cook Hugo’s fat and take some for Unlocke and his so-solid crew to eat. On their way to Unlocke’s camp they arrive at the Black Rock where Jack Sparrow comes running out shouting “Run for your lives shipmates!” and with this the Black Rock gets devoured by a giant squid. Sometime later the four of them arrive at Unlocke’s camp and everyone is happy to see each other, apart from Locke and Jack who stare daggers at each other with Unlocke proclaiming “I’ve been waiting for you Jack Sheppard, we meet again at last, the loophole is now complete when I you last saw me you were the leader, now I am the master” to which Jack responds “Only the master of douchery Unlocke”.

Elsewhere in the Flash-Sideways Universe. Desmond watches the little kids coming out of school; Benjamin Franklin approaches his car and tells him he will call the police if he does not move on. Desmond doesn’t and Ben calls the fuzz which arrive a few minutes later and cause Desmond to speed off saying “For fuck sake brotha’....” then as he makes his get-away he runs down a wheelchair bound Locke. Desmond then stops to make sure Locke is ok. Locke says he is not, but not to worry as he has Black Cross. With this impressive information Desmond speeds off. Unlocke ends the episode on the line “Well we shall see come next episode....”

"The Lost Recruits"

The episode begins with Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse sitting in an office where they read fan mail, they read one letter which says that the flash-sideways add nothing to the plot, and it's only there because the show has no more Flashbacks and Flashforawrds to rely on. Not wanting to lose it's mysterious side, the pair announce that big things will happen this episode. We then see this episodes flash-sideways in which the real Locke is taken to hospital having been run over by Desmond in the previous episode, there are fears that he may die however as Jack won’t come into surgery as he is too busy performing a vaginal examination on Sun while Gin watches.

Back on the island Jack and Unlocke continue to stare at each other in a non-sexual-kinda-serious way. Sawyer then asks them to do something as they have been stood there starring at each other for a week since the previous episode “Everybody Eats Hugo”. Unlocke then takes Jack to one side and speaks to him telling Jack that he can take on the forms of the dead. Jack asks him to prove it and Unlocke then turns into all the deceased characters one by one but not Shannon as the show’s creators could not get her to sign a contract due to her still being a whiny bitch throughout Season 2. Clare then joins Jack and tells him that she is his daughter. Jack doesn’t seem to care and tells Clare that he found this out way back in Season 4.

Widmore’s bit on the side then enters Unlocke’s camp and she proves how dangerous Widmore’s team really are by handing Unlocke a letter of complaint which states that Widmore is not happy with Unlocke stealing Desmond and that if he is not returned by sundown then Unlocke's Posse will receive a visit from the Udders sheriff (yeah thats right the writers didn’t forget about her....or did they?!). Scared shitless by this news, Unlocke sends Sayid off to hire a crane to get Desmond out of the well while he gives James a place mat from a restaurant that has the location of Jacob’s hidden treasure. Sawyer instead makes a plan to steal the cruise liner that Desmond used to sail to the island during series two (yeah the writers didn’t forget about that either!) to finally get away from the series as it is providing us with very few answers. As he, Kate, Jack, Hurley, Sun, Clare (who decides she wants something to do) and the pilot who looks like he’s just stepped off the set of a Burt Reynolds movie board the boat and set sail Sayid arrives at the well and cannot help but laugh hysterically at the fact that Desmond got trapped down there.

A flashsideways then happens in which Desmond stalks Clare who becomes freaked out and runs into Jacks hospital and into theatre where he is operating on the real Locke and where their fathers will reading is taking place while Jack works on fixing Locke. Ben meanwhile hangs around in the hospitals waiting room where he keeps saying “Mr. Locke don’t die; please don’t die Mr. Locke. If you do, who will come to the 6th floor supply room with me after work? etc.” Back on the boat, the Udders then discover that the boat is taking on water as something is weighing it down. Everyone then looks at Hurley who says “Dudes don’t look at me, I just lost a couple of pounds”. They then waste about 10 minutes of screen time trying to bail out until Jack reveals that it is his massive ego that weighing the boat down and that he will jump to save them all. He does so but loses an arm on the boats propeller so he has to use one arm to try and swim back to shore.

At the well Sayid continues to laugh at Desmond who says “What the fuck do you think you're laughing at?; the series finale is soon get me out of here brotha’!”. Back at the beach Jack has managed to get back to shore and somehow his arm is now reattached, but not for long. A missile storm comes raining down on him, Unlocke and several udders, which blows both of Jack’s legs off and kills several to all or maybe even none of the Udders. We the cut to Sayid who is still laughing at Desmond. On the smaller island Sawyer and the rest or the dirty half dozen arrive and are met by Widmore’s bit on the side who declares the deal with them is off until all the shows answers are revealed. Breaking down on the beach the survivors are annoyed apart from Sun and Gin who reunite for about 30 seconds before they both spontaneously combust.

In the flashleftway world, Miles and Sawyer play good cop bad cop with Kate which turns Kate on until Sawyer suggests they do something interesting with an apple and a garden hose. Just as Kate is about to register her disgust at these two childish middle aged men Sayid walks in and decides to turn himself over to the cops for shooting Creamy and his posse as he really wants to be a good man, but we all know this is really a plot twist to get them all together, in two different places... And that was the true plot twist. Back at the island. Sayid continues to laugh at Desmond and back on the beach on the main island Unlocke drags Jack into the jungle to get away from the bombs. Jack tells Unlocke that he has LOST all of his recruits. Unlocke says he doesn’t care and then he declares that its Jack he’s wanted all along and with this they hold hands and walk off into the jungle as the sun sets and as missiles rain down around them. As this montage continues the song “Just The Two Of Us” plays with a final close up of Jack's happy face and Unlocke’s constipated one.

"The Candyman"

In a flash-inside-out Jack is constantly watching over Locke after Desmond ran him down. Jack, wanting to cheer up Locke, begins to sing "Who can take a Sun Rise?, Sprinkle it with Dew?". Locke, not wanting to be sung to right now, tries to stop him but he keeps on singing "Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two The Candyman, oh the Candyman can". Eventually the Hospital staff have to restrain Jack because he couldn't stop singing that song.

On the island Sayid and Unlocke glue Jack’s legs back on having had them blown off by a missile attack in the previous episode. Elsewhere Sawyer and the remnants of Unlocke's Posse are forced to take part in a wrestling cage match with several of Nichol's goons. Sawyer manages to get the KO on the Pillsbury Doughboy but Caleb Nichol lays the smack down on Kate and Sawyer is forced to back down. There is then a power cut as Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse have not put another $20 in the meter and Unlocke uses this to his advantage by turning into smoke which kills Caleb Nicho's not so tough guys due to lung cancer, Jack meanwhile goes to a locksmith to get a key cut to get his friends out of the cage while he tries to kick a door in.

They are successful and escape and make it to the plane where Sawyer declares the view as being a bit “plain”. Unlocke decides that to cheer Sawyer up that they will take Caleb Nichol's submarine. Sometime later they arrive at the docks and Unlocke trips over Jack’s massive ego and ends up in the water. Using this as an advantage to get away from Unlocke the others make for the sub but a fan of the show who is a “Kate Hater” pulls a pistol and shoots her; sadly, he misses her head. Kate then drags herself to the sub while the rest of the crew have a standoff with the angry fan.

After Hurley absorbs the bullets into his fat, they manage to get onto the sub and it sets off but not before Kate gets selfish and leaves Claire behind yet again. On the sub Kate’s male fanbase arrive to see if she is ok. Jack says he can save her but he needs the spare clothes from the fan’s rucksacks, The fans open their bag and Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Gin, Sun, Hurley and Frank are shocked to discover it contains some C4 attached to a watch which is counting down. Jack tells the others that they won’t blow up because the watch that is attached to the bomb is a cheap Casio and they are very unreliable, thus it won’t detonate the bomb. Sawyer don't take Jack's word because he is really John Locke in disquise, and you know how many people on the Island hated John Locke's faith. Sawyer decides that someone needs to be fired out the torpedo tube with the bomb to get rid. They all decide on Kate as she always wants to do everything on the show but when she realises that she will have to die she tells them all to fuck off and get someone else to take it.

As they argue about who should get rid of the bomb. Sayid, with his Iraqi terrorists mentality activated, wraps a Holiday Inn tea towel round his forehead, picks up the bomb and he runs down down the submarines corridor shouting “Allllaaaaaaaa” yet unlike the bomb from “The Indecent” this one does detonate in Sayid’s hands and he is blown to kingdom kha. We then cut back to the flash-inside-in world where Locke is refusing the surgery. When Jack asks why, he says that he is like Jack in his Flashforwards; Mopy, depressed and suicidal. Jack then begins to sing to lock about the wonders to walking to the tune of THe Proclaimers "I'm Gonna Be 500 Miles" but the producers couldn't get the rights to the song. So Jack, thinking quickly, begins to sing the same song he sang to lock before. "Who can take a Sun Rise?" sings Jack and Locke begins to get angry and yells "NO, NO MORE CANDYMAN. GET OUT! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!!" and Jack, feeling a sense of Isolation in Season 2, begins to leave Locke and goes to Locke's father to ask why he's acting like a mopy bastard, only to find out that he is a vegetable, therefore making him Daniel's father.

Back in the real world. The sub then starts to fill with water and everyone makes for the exits, yet just as Frank is about to say something the door he kicked in earlier gets revenge on him by blowing off its hinges and hitting him square in the face. Water then pours in and Frank drowns... or does he? Guess we'll have to wait until the finale to find out. Meanwhile Kate has to make her own way out and back to shore while Hurley saves the piece of what’s left of Sayid and then heads for land. Sawyer and Jack meanwhile try and help Gin release Sun who is trapped underneath a filing cabinet marked “Lost - Final Episode Scripts”. For about a minute they try and save her but Sawyer faints like a pussy and Jack is forced to take him to shore, taking the last oxygen canister with him to keep his ego alive, ultimately this leads to Gin and Sun’s death and the loss of the final episode scripts. Back on dry land Sawyer come round, Kate is still shot and not dead, Hurley holds the pieces that are left of Sayid and bursts into tears, Jack meanwhile looks out to sea for his massive ego that he could not hold onto as he swam back to land... Hurley, trying to chear the people up, begins to sing "Who can take a Sun Rise" when Sawyer butts in and says "This is all your fault tubby!" and Hurley says "Don't call me fat!" and they get into a fight which is obscured by a big ball of dust.

We then cut to the office of Damon Lindoff and Carton Cuse which is covered in empty cans of lager and empty packets from their local Chinese Takeaway. We then see the pair stoned off the faces on drugs and alcohol. They crack several jokes with each other and talk about absolute bullshit until Damon Lindoff picks up a pen and says “Right. It’s time to finish what we started”. The pair then start writing on a massive pile of paper, the top sheet of which reads “Lost - The Final Episode: The Answers Are Here... Or Are They?” with this the episode ends.

"On Stranger Tides"

The episode begins on stranger tides with the sinking of The Flying Dutchman. As it sinks a pregnant Elizabeth Swann and her husband Orlando Bloom manage to get on a piece of the wreckage on which they float for several hours. Believing they are going to die they make out one last time before Jaws rises out of the water and eats Orlando. Elizabeth spends several days in the water before coming to rest on a beach on the Island. She is met by a talking giraffe (not remotely weird as this is Lost) who takes her to a super-doctor called Alison Janney that helps her give birth to a boy who she called Jacob. Then because she just made out with Orlando she gives birth again to The Man in Black (although at this point he is a baby or he would not be able to fit out of her.... well you know....). Anyways Allison Janney kills Elizabeth by smashing her head open, hoping to find a prize inside.

Sometime later a teenage Jacob and Man in Black find a present wrapped up on the beach. They go and ask their mother who is now Allison Janney what it is. She tells them that it is a game called Monopoly that she bought while she was out getting some milk. She allows them to play it with Jacob owning the waterworks and the Man in Black being in charge of all the money of which he gives Jacob very little. A few days later the Man in Black as a teenager questions Allison Janney as to why they are on the island. She shows them a cave with a light at the end of it. A young Jacob quips that this might be the light at the end of the tunnel and prove fans right that the characters had been dead since the show began. Allison Janney tells Jacob he is wrong and that it is a nightlight that helps the Island and the teenage boys sleep at night because it believes there are monsters under it's bed. Allison Janney state that if the nightlight is turned off then the Island will get scared and also it will have a tempertantrum that will destroy the island. Allison Janney also states that the nightlight will be turned off when he no longer needs it, and 3 million years later the nightlight is still on, proving that the Island will never grow up, just like Peter Pan.

After this has happened The Man in Black finds another package on the beach which is an old videotape. He plays it in their coconut VHS and it reveals that Allison Janney murdered his and Jacob’s real mother. The Man in Black then packs his stuff to leave home and asks Jacob to go with him, but Jacob is a mommy’s boy and tells his brother that he is staying behind with his mommy because he wuvs her soo much!!!. The Man in Black then heads off to find the village which is home to the cast and crew of shows that are not Lost. Years later, Allison Janney goes to see the Man in Black who is now living among the cast and crew of shows that are not Lost. The Man in Black who is now a grown man lets Allison Janney in on a secret and leads her underground where a game show set is being built. The Man in Black mentions that they will make their own game show and this Wheel will act as a way for parpicipents to win cash & prizes. Allison Janney then asks if this is the same wheel that moves the island in Season 4 and allows people to leave. The Man in Black, figuring this out. Sends Jack Bauer and Sylar to kill Allison Janney but she kills both of them and then knocks out The Man in Black with a paper mache rock... When he awakes, he finds that the area with the game show set has been filled in and that the cast and crew have been murdered by the crew that works on Lost. Angered by this he sets out to ask Allison Janney why he cannot leave the island.

While this is occurring Allison Janney takes Jacob to the nightlight. Allison Janney tells Jacob that he must protect the ending of Lost no matter what – the scripts must not be found before the airdate. Allison Janney makes Jacob drink some funky water which makes Jacob bedridden and unable to leave the Island and Peter Griffin then shows up and tells Allison Janney that she has to leave now because the Island needs it's precious sleep. The Man in Black then arrives at Jacob’s camp asking to see the finale scripts to see if theres a decent reason for him not being able to leave the island. He tries to gain access to the scripts, killing Allison Janney in the process but Jacob beats the shit out of him, like he did to Richard in that other episode and then throws his brother into the cave. Peter and Lois Griffen then appear out of nowhere and taunt there victory over Jacob "Ha, this was part of our plan! Now we shall fill this show with cultural references and flashbacks like when I went to the magic world of..." before he can finish, a strong batch of electrical light appears in the cave and the monster emerges from the cave it kills the first thing it sees, which is Peter & Lois Griffin. Thus proving that The Man in Black is a Terminator sent from the past. Jacob then lays their bodies together in another cave with two of the monopoly pieces in their pockets and just when you think you have watched an entire episode of Lost that hasn’t had the Superdoctor or Freckles, the writers decide to shove a Flashback or Flashforward (wait, what do I call this again?) to Season One at the end just to remind you that the skeletons they found whey back then were Peter and Lois. During the flashback Peter and Lois magically regrow their organs, their skin and their clothes and they come back to life. "Ha, you think you would stop us didn't you. Now we shall do crazy shit like the time Michael was finding Walt." and then a flashback happens where Michael is looking for Walt while screaming “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!”. Walt then appears and tells a joke saying "What did one LOST Viewer say to the other LOST viewer?" and Michael says "I don't know, what is it" and he says "I'm LOST!" and there is a silence from the audience for a few minutes as the episode ends.

"The Reason that The Koreans and The Zombie Terrorist are Dead"

In a flash-upsidedown Jack wakes up in bed with his half-sister Claire (well who can blame him – she is hot) and gets crank phone call from Desmond pretending to be selling windows and doors. Desmond then gets a call from Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse who reveals that the creators of FlashForward have found Penny and placed her in the original universe in order to prevent Desmond from finding him and they told her that Desmond had died in a fatal train accident. Angered by this news Desy-boy takes his anger management problems out on Lost’s human punching bag that is Ben. He then hands himself in to the cops because he believes he is at risk of leaking the shows ending if he carries on the way he has been. On the island following the sinking of the sub Jack is deeply upset at the loss of the series finale scripts and tries to take his own life by walking out into the sea. James Bond then pulls up in his Aston Martin and saves Jack from trying to drown himself. After this random incident has occurred Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley decide to locate the offices of Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse to demand answers as to why the sub was destroyed and why the Koreans and the Zombie Terrorist are dead. Sawyer points out that they will not answer this question as they haven’t answered any of the shows mysteries all season.

Elsewhere Richard, Miles and Ben are still trekking even though they set off four episodes ago and it doesn’t normally take the Losties that long to get to the barracks. Anyway they arrive at the barracks thing and go into Ben’s house where they find shit loads of C4. Ben then says "We're going to need a shit load of it" and he takes the shit load and Widmore arrives literaly in Ben's closet. Widmore states that with a shit load of C4, they need a big truck to carry that shit. So they have to wait for the truck they’ve hired to turn up to move the C4 to the site of the plane as there is absolutely shit loads. Hurley then sees a young boy who pick-pockets him and steals Jacob’s ashes. Somehow Hurley manages to run after him (That’s the magic of Lost folks) but by the time Hurley arrives the young boy has aged about 30 odd years and it turns out to be Jacob. Hurley brings Jack, Sawyer and Kate to Jacob and they all sit around a fire singing camp fire songs. As the evening draws to a close Jacob then holds a press conference where he will tell the Koreans and The Zombie Terrorist are dead. Jack then asks the first question. "Why are we all here?" and Jacob says "You're here because of a plane crash, next question." Hurley asks, "What is your favorite color?" and Jacob answers "colorless white, next question" and Kate asks "Why don't you like me?" and he answers "Because I'm gay and I don't like woman." and the camera flashes so much it causes Jacob to have a siezure. "This press conference is over" states Jacob and he leaves the stage gracefully but not before slipping on a bananna peal.

In a flash-sideways Sawyer (in his cowboy hat) and Miles put Des in a cell with Sayid (wow hang on, isn’t he dead? Talk about a plot hole!). Sayid asks Desmond if he will be his friend and Desmond says he will. Kate who is in the cell next door hears the strange noises coming from Sayid and Desmond’s cell and as usual. Kate demands to know what the fuck is going on with Lost. Back on the Island they are waiting Unlocke shows up in his Smokie form. Widmore and that Tina Fay lookalike who we didn't even notice play a game of hide and seek by hiding in Ben’s closet while Ben sits down on some patio furniture having a nice tea party by himself. Richard meanwhile tries to speak to Unlocke but the Smokie throws him up in the air and juggles him as if he were a ball. Unlocke then joins Ben on the patio where they share a 40oz. Unlocke then looks at the derelect state of the barracks and comments on how the place would look with a little more class. Ben agrees stating that that is what he has always wanted. They then head inside to get some three-piece suits, a top hat each and a monocle which they hope that if they put them on they will look classier. While they are trying on the clothes the pair laughs at how stupid each other looks. Widmore literaly then comes out of that cramped closet and tries to get in on the joke but as Widmore laughs away Ben and Unlocke stop and Ben shoots him for trying to get in on a gag he was never part of. After the press conference, Jack tells Jacob that he will protect the Island. Jacob asks why can't he do it and when Jack is about to speak, his voice is overdubbed with one saying "Because the Island needs you" and Jacob suddenly disappears from the shot and everybody has forgotten what has trangressed due to the advanced editing skills of the producers.

Some time later in the Flash-sideways timeline, they are being transported to the state pen. The crew compentates their fates in jail when luckily the truck is ambushed by Ana Lucia and a few others. They open the truck and see Desmond, Kate and Sayid. Ana Lucia says “Damn it! Vin Diesel was supposed to be in this one?!” Desmond uses this as a chance to escape along with Sayid and Kate all of whom seek refuge in a car repair garage. It is then revealed that the garage is owned by Xzibit and that Hurley is there having his Hummer pimped. Desmond, Kate and Sayid sneak into the back of Hurley’s car and after Hurley pulls out of Xzibit's garage, Desmond tells him that they will be going to an Ekonomikz concert in which something will happen that all of the theorists have been speculating on. With only mere hours (instead of a few days as is the norm) left. Hurley pushes his foot to the medal but The Police stop the car and arrest Xzibit who was planing to escape the country in Hurley's Pimped out SUV on the count of a minor D.U.I.

Back in the present, Unlocke then sees Caleb Nichol’s bitch on the side in the closet and asks her why Widmore even came back to the show after Season 5 and why he was good now. She reveals that Jacob and Caleb Nichol had done a deal whereby his OC company’s profit margins would increase with the sale of Jacob’s Cream Crackers in exchange for Caleb Nichol becoming good and bringing Desmond and all of the previous cast to the island to fulfil their contractual obligations to appear in the Series Finale. Once Unlocke got this information he and Ben take turns to have their way with Caleb Nichol's bitch before she implodes due to the constant sex. They then return to the porch wearing their suits, top hats and monocles and start talking really poshly about how much more action packed and random this episode has been compared to the first eight or so this season. Unlocke takes the advantage and reveals that he is a Terminator sent from the future for a purpose, and that purpose is to take the Island the same way they took the boy in Season 1. The episode then ends as we await the oncoming, exciting series finale.

"The Final Recap Episode Ever"

A very special 4 hour recap episode before the finale. The characters here talk directly about Lost and what it holds but since they themselves cannot make sense of the very show they starred on, they have to resort to filling time. So they start talking nonsense that is supposedly related to Lost and talk about what they're going to do after the show ends which will consist of going to the club, geting drunk, becoming full-time pimps and using their fame to whore themselves out. All the while the entire series of Lost is playing out within the episode with the characters looking more confused then usual. Fortunatly Smokie finds the recapper and kills him, freeing the Losties from the loop and allowing the final episode to play.

"To Be Concluded...?"

Part 1

Finally, after many painful episodes of confusion, delirium and unexplainable acts that shouldn't be allowed on TV. The 108 hour long series finale of Lost is finally upon us. It's the series finale that make any series finale you have watched look like utter horse shit, it's the series finale entire world (including Oscar Wilde) has been waiting for, and the answers to the lifelong questions of "Why doesn't this make sense?", "WTF is the DHARMA Dhesktop Initiative?" and "Why has this been on for 6 seasons?" will finally be revealed. The whole world (including the Island) is tuned in on their TV's to ABC in anticipation of the final episode and proper fan service which will start... right about... NOW!!!

The suspense and excitement is bat fuck insane as the first shot of the series finale shows up on their TV screens. A plane... WTF, why they showing us the plane when they already showed it before! And now there's a crate? What's in it, Locke's quintuplet corpses? And now we see Jack in his office, splashing his face with water. We see Ben Franklin and Locke in two different places at once, proving that the Lost characters are clones of each other. The excitement is tense, people's hearts are literally exploding from the excitement of it all. The package finally arrives and Desmond pretends to be Dr. Shephard and manages to convince the delivery man to give him the package, Desmond insists that something will happen at the Ekonomikz concert referenced in the last episode and Desmond then drives Kate somewhere and in the process, crashes his car again which proves that Desmond is a very shitty driver.

The scene then cuts back to the island where having become the new Jacob, Jack takes a pee in the stream as he was desperate after drinking that water Jacob gave him and because the writers are trying to tie up the plot strand started in "Laxatives". Suspenseful! Jack and the rest of the Losties are planning a trip to the nightlight which helps the world sleep at night because it's afraid of the smoke monster. Sawyer goes to get Desmond for his contractual obligations to appear in the finale while Jack and the others head on the exciting action packed journey to the nightlight in order to protect it from going off. Because the island has not yet learned that there are no such things as monsters, well except the smoke monster but the Cloverfield monster is a myth right?

We then cut to the shot of a hotel in the flash-upsidedown universe where Hurley and his pimping SUV arrive with Sayeed; Hurley is packing with guns and he gives Sayeed one as he plans to hit up every room in the hotel. He then goes alone to the hotel room and he knocks on the door, only to discover that it's... Charlie!!! Charlie is just like his Season 1 self, a drug addict and very mopey person and a very large childish brat. Hurley tells Charlie that he has two tickets to the Ekonomikz concert but he refuses to go to the concert because he is tired from playing Suspect Zero from FlashForward, but the main reason is that Charlie does not wanna go, he doesn't, HE DOESN'T!, HE DOESN'T!!!. Hurley has no other choice so he drugs him by force and takes him to the Ekonomikz concert in his SUV, promising that they will get Ice Cream along the way if he is a good boy for the rest of the trip.

Meanwhile the scene cuts back to the island where Jack explains that he had to take somebody, I don't really know who but it must be something really important. We then cut to con-man Sawyer where he guesses Unlocke's game, Unlocke congratulates him then rewards him by allowing him to hit Ben Franklin in the face. Sawyer then leaves while Unlocke continues on his exciting mission. We then cut to a scene where we see Rose & Bernard still alive and in the present time; unfortunately, this scene serves to provide some closure to the 12 people who still care about Rose & Bernard. Then Unlocke comes with Ben Franklin and threatens Rose & Bernard with a tiny toothpick. The guilt is proven too much for Desmond even though the threat is insignificant as he goes with Unlocke on the ever exciting mission to unplug the nightlight and prove to the Island that he doesn't need it. Desmond and Unlocke are then walking through the rain, taking a wonderful stroll when it's interrupted by a weird fart-like sound coming from Ben’s direction and Unlocke asks what it is while Desmond laughs. Ben says it is nothing. Miles is then shown to be using a practical joke application on Ben Franklin's iPhone. Ben Franklin then calls Miles to tell him to stop using his practical joke application because IT'S NOT FUNNY! and Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder is proven to be alive and well, proving that the immortal can't be killed, even in Lost.

Suddenly, in the flash-insideout universe, we see Sawyer and Miles at the Ekonomikz concert and he is oblivious to the fact that Sayeed is not in prison where he belongs as he is a bad man. We then cut to Sun where she is recovering from her gunshot wound. EXCITING AS USUAL!!! There is an exciting conversation about the baby and then we see Juliet which proves that she did not die in the bottom of the hatch. We then see her showing the baby which is supposed to the moving but instead bores the people to the point where they want to tune out. Fearing this, they make Sun see flashes of the past six seasons and she gets proud for some reason. Just another way of providing the fans with some sort of service, which is Sun coming back to life after dying and suddenly speaking English. Then there is something about the baby and the name and the sex and the... Oh look it's Sawyer in a cowboy hat and boots!

Cut to Sawyer running in the jungle which is sure to make women freak out. There is then some walking, which is very suspenseful exciting walking. In the flash-insideout universe, Jack is about to start on John's surgery making him walk and therefore making this Locke one step closer to the awesome knife-wielding Locke. Then we go back to Miles and Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder who is taking the cruise liner to who knows where then; here comes the shocker, Richard is now not immortal anymore and he is stripped of his title of "Sexy Immortal Udder" by Ben Franklin. They are then rowing when suddenly they see someone in the water, which is not surprisingly Frank Lapidus who has managed to stay afloat with the help of his chest hair. Shocking!!! Richard and Miles pulls up Frank on his cruise liner and while enjoying themselves in the spa, Frank tells him his plan of stopping Unlocke, destroying the plane, which was what they were already doing.

Unlocke then meets with the castaways and Kate tries to kill him but Unlocke is obviously a Terminator so he can't be harmed by anything, including sticks. Kate, realizing the futileness of this, stops shooting and throws the gun directly at MiB's head, confusing him and doing nothing, he then says "What did you do that for?" in a moaning voice. Then there is a confrontation between Unlocke and Jack where they both go at each other like Tom Cruise and that other guy in Top Gun. Jack says he's going to kill him, but he doesn't know how... There is heavy breathing and things start getting real homosexual (not in that way) and they make out intensely, Kate and Sawyer looking on confused. Then we go to the flash-idon'tknow universe where Jack meets Juliet for the first time, and not Kate, which is surprising... Jack is planning a trip to the Ekonomikz concert where apparently something magical is going to happen. Then Sawyer comes in looking cool and cocky and wearing a cowboy hat. Jack and Juliet tell him to fuck off in perfect English, which he does.

Back on the Island, Sawyer keeps pestering Jack for how the finale will go down and he replies "Wait until the end, silly." Then Jack, Desmond and Unlocke heads into the bamboo bushes for who knows where, it's all part of the excitement!!! They're walking and it's very tense, anything could happen at any moment! And then we reach it, the nightlight. Apparently the plug to turn off the nightlight is in the cave itself so Desmond volunteers to turn off the light to help save the Island's power bills. There is some tensity between Jack and Desmond about the flash-sidebackwards universe and Desmond finally acknowledges its existence... The universe where the plane crash didn't happen, that's something new... The crew then heads into the cave and and they reach a waterfall, all three of them get into their Indiana Jones costumes for the journey below and the iconic Indiana Jones theme song begins to play.

Cut to a shot of a bar where Hurley and Sayeed are there to get their drinks on. They begin to discuss the rules of the club because it is a gentleman's bar and if they don't follow the rules, they can't get their drink on and things start to get gay from here. Then a bar fight happens between a two gentlemen and after Sayeed breaks it up, he discovers it's Shannon who was almost raped, which causes Sayeed to have the same flashes as Sun. One of the gentleman then comes to the SUV and he apologizes for what happened between them, oh and his name is Boone. Surprising!!! Boone then complains that he should get more airtime but Hurley, not wanting to deal with another Jack, tells Boone to get out, which he does, literally... Miles, Frank and Richard arrive at the other island and it's revealed that they're going to fly the plane off the island instead of blowing it up, and apparently this will stop Unlocke from leaving the island.

They then encounter Claire who is still crazy and still has the bad jungle hair, taking a cue from The French Woman in Season 3, she decides to stay on the island as there is nothing on the real world for her. The crew, in their Indiana Jones outfits, descends Desmond into the light, all the while Jack and Unlocke holding the rope. The Indiana Jones music plays even louder and there is a discussion of whether this resembles a scene from Season 1, then Jack disrespects Unlocke and Unlocke does not take that very likely and places a bet with Jack, the winner getting a tub of Dhesktop Ranch, the loser being killed as it is the Lost tradition of course. Jack and Unlocke look into the light, hoping for something exciting and suspenseful to happen, but before that can happen the show cuts to a commercial break for Jacob's Cream Cookies. In the flash-outsidein universe. We're finally at the Ekonomikz concert where everybody is all here. Ekonomikz is unconscious and sleeping when suddenly that hot red chick wakes her up and tells her what to do because he found a message on him saying that "I'm Ekonomicz and I have taken some mind-blowing weed so I need some help.". He then prepares to go out and preform his Ekonomikz concert which every promises will be CRAZY!!! Then the Ekonomikz concert starts and Damon Lindlof and Carlton Cuse appear on stage where they read some of the final transmissions fans sent to them about how they wasted 6 years of their life (accompanied by a big Verizon logo; because the finale is going to be big; big bucks that is!) and then introduces Ekonomikz to the stage. Ekonomikz then says "Hey world, Y'all ready to go crazy!" and the crowd goes crazy. Ekonomikz then performs his rap and something crazy happens in which Claire and Kate both get up to go to the bathroom. CRAAZY!!!

Back on the Island. Desmond arrives at the bottom and finds the fountain of youth, which instantly mesmerizes Desmond. He then steps in it and he feels himself becoming younger by the second while Jack and Unlocke watch. He then goes bat fuck insane lifts up a bolder and some of the other stuff in the room. He then unplugs the nightlight and even though the Island is told that there are NO monsters, it gets into a tempertantrum and begins to destroy itself. I guess this is the end but it turns out it's not... Meanwhile Jack and Unlocke begin to fight and Unlocke hits Jack in the face with a paper mache rock, YES A LIGHT PAPER MACHE ROCK!!! and he is declared the victor of the fight.

Part 2 & The Extra Bloated Half Hour

Back in the flash-upsidedownwhichway universe. Claire sneaks backstage, strips off and waits for Ekonomikz but before she can meat him, she begins to give birth and their meeting is cut short with Claire visibly disappointed. Desmond and that old lady from Season 3 or 5 or whichever season she appeared are having a conversation about what happens next and Desmond says "Just wait until the fucking end". Kate is trying to talk Claire into delivering her baby when suddenly Charlie shows up to help Claire give childbirth. Claire pushes very hard to get the baby out and in the process, craps herself. Kate then sees a flash which reminds us of the tense camp sex she had with Jack.. or Sawyer... and Erin of this universe is birthed. There is then an exciting moment complete with a random explosion that appears out of nowhere!!! Charlie and Claire then have tense sideways sex in public.

Back in the real universe place, the Island is still having its tempertantrum and Ben Franklin gets trapped within a paper mache tree. Exciting!!! Jack wakes up from unconsciousness and goes back into the cave to save Desmond but he has vanished. Kate, Hurley and Sawyer try to save Ben Franklin but luckily paper mache is the lightest thing on Earth so they're able to lift it up and save him. Miles whips out his iPhone and calls Ben to tell him that the Plane that will end the series finale will be ready for boarding in a few hours. With the state that the Losties are in, there is no way they can make it in time to prevent the series from having another season. Then there is this awesome fight between Jack and Unlocke that takes place on a cliff, with Jack jumping up in the sky like Superman and taking the first punch like The Incredible Hulk... And they say this show does not rip off from other shows.

The fight is exhilarating and tense, there is no telling whether Jack will kill Unlocke or have hot sex with each other. Then there is a tiny knife that suddenly appears out of nowhere. Unlocke then takes the tiny knife like Locke in Season 1 and tries to kill Jack but Kate suddenly appears out of nowhere to shoot the indestructible Unlocke (thus proving Uncyclopedia's theory that people appear out of nowhere to save the main character from being killed) and Jack takes a pee on Unlocke which causes him to short circuit and explode, wasting an entire season of suspense. The scene then cuts to the flash-sidedownwards universe and Locke begins to awake from his surgery and Jack and Locke get into something very intimate and Locke begins to walk again like he did in Season 1. Then there's a flash and like a drug addict, asks if he saw it and if he remembered, then Locke; under the impression of drugs gives a very shocking revelation, Jack created the entire universe in his head. Jack then denies it because he still has the ego from the other universe and walks away.

Back in this universe, the crew sees the cruise liner in the distance which is the same one from Season 2, after it seems that it's over, it's quickly proven that it's not. The Island is still having its tempertantrum. In the flash-tridiagonal universe, Sawyer is asking Sun about who shot her and Sun, not wanting to inconvenience herself, calls the doctor to tell Sawyer to fuck off, which he does. Back on the island, Frank is trying to set up the plane but he is proving that he is a very shitty pilot. Not wanting to admit that he's a shit pilot, he calls up Xzibit from Pimp My Ride to fix his plane but since he is unavailable, he is forced to use the next big thing, the Mexican host from the Mexican version of Pimp My Ride. The island is still having its tempertantrum and there is much tension about whether there will be another season. Jack, wanting to do Season 7 to further inflate his ego, decides to go with Hurley & Ben Franklin on a mission to try to calm the island down from its tempertantrum. Jack and Kate finally have even more tense island sex and Jack admits that he only loved Kate for her looks and big boobs.

Meanwhile the Mexican host of the Mexican version of Pimp My Ride is still fixing up Frank's problems and is using rather cheap things to fix it such as duck tape and pieces of wood. This presents a new mystery for the rest of the episode, will the plane take off with all of its flimsy materials. Frank plans to take off right now in order to prevent himself from appearing in Season 7 and Miles to whip out his iPhone and text Sawyer to tell him to get his ass up to the plane pronto or else he will be a part of Season 7. Back in the flash-upsideinwards universe, Sawyer is looking for some food as he is still the same scavenger from Season 1 but his bar gets stuck (but not in that way). Not wanting to waste a few dollars, he sticks his hand in the vending machine but his arm gets stuck. Juliet then appears and Sawyer asks for her help. Juliet then agrees to help and she get a chainsaw to cut off his arm, telling Sawyer that his arms will grow back. He then grabs her bar and he experiences the same freaky flashes as the rest of the people this season and Sawyer and Juliet finally have tense alternate universe sex.

Elsewhere, The Ekonomikz concert is over and a lot of people are disappointed over the outcome, nothing special or crazy happened. Jack and Kate meet and they talk about the mysterious pen and then realizes that it was Boone who stole all the pens in "Monster Eats the Pilot". Giving into temptation, Jack and Kate also have sex and Jack has those drug-related flashes they all talk about. Meanwhile back in the real world. Hurley is carrying Jack using his weight and the Island is still angry. They arrive at the cave where they debate who will be the one to go down there and become well talked about; Jack, because he already has a massive ego from being the star of like every season, decides to go down there to do it but Hurley, angry that he didn't get as much attention of Jack during the entire series, decides to knock him out and go down the cave to calm down the island. In an additional act of revenge, Hurley makes Jack pee himself; he then drinks the pee and he becomes the new Jacob. Suspenseful!!!

Back on the other island, Frank reads the manual on how to fly it, proving that he is a shit pilot and Hurley is going down the cave on the mission of fame and success. The island then pouts and while Hurley loses his grip, luckily Desmond breaks Hurley’s fall. Jack then goes down there to find Desmond who's other half of the face has been deformed. Jack tells Desmond that he is going to relight the nightlight but Desmond tells Jack that that is why the writers brought him back to the island this season so that he could do it, NOT Jack. However Jack wants all the fame and glory because that’s the kind of guy he is, an egotistical maniacal guy. With this he knocks Desmond and Hurley and says "See you on another show, brotha!", then he places them out of fame's way. Desmond; in his unconscious state, mumbles something about "I was supposed to say that brotha!". On the runway, the plane is finally taking off thanks to those Cheap Mexicans and those who aren't on it are sure to be featured in Season 7. Sawyer; having sailed the cruise ship, gets the message and searches his iPhone for an app with a map of the island and the location of the plane while Kate tries to talk a depressed Claire around to going with them. All three of them make it to the plane and they run as fast as hell as they can to the plane, with the camera mimicking their every moves. Meanwhile Frank decides he had enough of waiting and and decides to take off but the crew arrives just in time (surprised?) and they decide to get them off the series. Back in the cave, Jack is trying to calm the island down from its tempertantrum, he tries to be like Dr. Phil but the Island, like a young child is very stubborn and will not listen. Jack then decides to take the easy way out, by hitting a giant stone carrot down a hole. Yes... a giant stone carrot down a hole. Back on the plane, the whole crew is preparing to leave the island. Frank then asks Miles to read the manual pretending that he left his reading glasses back in Season 5 not wanting to admit to being a shit pilot. The suspense is immersible, the plane is taking off and he needs some words of encouragement so he calls Leslie Nielsen to give him encouragement but since he is too expensive, he forces Miles say the same words he did in "Airplane!", or be forced to appear on Season 7. Miles says the magic words and with that, the plane takes off and everybody is happy that they don't have to be in another season.

Back in the cave, Jack has plugged in the nightlight, calmed down the island and gained the fame and recognition of everybody in the world, this causes his ego to grow at massive proportions and he enters terminal ego failure. At the top of the hole Hurley reveals to Ben Franklin that the real reason he is so fat is because he is actually a human Stretch Armstrong and extending his flab... I mean arms down the hole he reaches down and pulls out who he thinks is Jack but is actually Desmond. He tries again but pulls out Timmy O’Toole. Realizing this is not Jack he throws Timmy back in and he and Ben head outside crying believing the star of the show to be dead. Elsewhere Jack is being interviewed by various different news networks who ask him what he is going to do now he has saved the world from Unlocke. Jack tells them “I’m off to Disneyland!” and everyone cheers and several fans lift Jack up and carry him off as the nightlight shits itself and consumes Jack and the fans in a hellfire which he somehow survives even though it was previously established that it would kill him.

Back in the flash-topsyturvy universe. John Locke is getting out of a taxi, having not regained his walking ability as we expected him to do and goes to meet Ben Franklin at a church. It is revealed that this is the place where everything will happen, everything miraculous and exciting. Ben Franklin then apologizes for being jealous about Locke like a teen and Locke forgives him as Ben is his greatest admirer. EXCITING!!! John Locke then gets out of the wheelchair and he... walks??? I know right, so confusing... John Locke then enters the church with the same ambition he had in Season 1. Back on the island, the crew is just sitting around looking at the camera for promotional photos and talking about the fact that Jack is getting all of the fame, fortune and sexy ladies and how he is now stuck protecting the island. Ben Franklin just says to get over it and change this island to a 5-star holiday resort so that they can finally make the Benjamins he longed for back in Season 4. Back in the Flash-otherway universe, we see a truck then pulls up and it's Jack and Kate. Jack and Kate have a very short and pointless talk and then Kate goes inside the church, ready to lave Jack because of what he became in his flashforwards. SHOCKING!!!

Back on the island. We see Jack, back on the island apparently looking for some more airtime but struggling with his rapidly deflating ego. We then cut back to the same universe we were at before and we see Jack entering the crazy church. Everything is silent, it's so suspenseful. Jack then goes up to the casket and he just paces there wasting some time for more appearances. We then see Jack having another flash when he touches the casket which apparently makes Jack remember all of the time he has spent on the show. Jack then opens the casket and J.J. Abrams jumps out scaring the shit out of him. J.J. Abrams and Jack then converse about what's going on here, with J.J. Abrams saying "Look, your show has been over for a while, it's time to let go." but Jack, still in denial says "But what about here, everything happened right?" and J.J. Abrams then says "Jack, this universe is in your head, you made it up because you couldn't take the fact that the show was over." confirming what Locke had said earlier in the episode. Jack then begins to cry like a teen and J.J., sensing his tears, then says "Look, I know what will cheer you up!" and he leads him to a room in which every one of his former cast members are there and they meet and talk about their new post-Lost projects. Jack then comes face to face with his father Christian Shepard once more who wishes Jack the best for the next TV show or film he appears in. This is coupled with scenes of Jack because he just cannot get enough airtime.

Jack then makes his way to a field of sharp sticks and then suddenly, he collapses. All while alternate Jack is happy as a boy with a lollipop. Vincent then gets on Jack the anal penetration way and everybody wishes everyone else well with their next projects and fireworks are set off in the darkness of night as everyone makes out on the beach one last time in a giant orgy. The same plane from "Monster Eats the Pilot" then passes over (creating a paradox ironically) and Jack, during his final act of humiliation, kills himself to avoid the tabloids making fun of him. While this is happening, the camera pulls out and reveals that we've been watching a television show all along, everybody has been watching Lost, including us.

The shot then cuts to that of actor Matthew Fox sitting in a grotty apartment in downtown LA watching the entire series on Blu-Ray during what can be described as a massive ego power trip. With a tear in his eye he lights another smoke then somebody rings the door bell. It is revealed to be no other then Terry O'Quinn who is there delivering a pizza for him. Matthew Fox then forces him to watch every episode of "Party of Five" with Matthew because he cannot get enough of himself. What about the answers to the rest of the mysteries? Tough luck! the series is now OVER!!! OR IS IT??? A mystery that will never be solved as long as creators are presumed living. Meanwhile, during the credits. A scene plays where Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse sitting around, reading letters by fans about the final scene which answered very few of their questions. when suddenly a sobbing fan comes out and asks "what is the island?", "Why did you make this show?" and the crew say "Great Questions?" and they press a button where they send the fan into the pit, to be killed by Smokie. Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse then high-five each other and toast themselves for confusing and making so many people cry after 6 fucking years.