John Steinbeck

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What the hell is this picture doing here?

“I did not like Willy Wonka. It was a bad book.”

~ Tyler Winter on John Steinbeck


~ Non-sarcastic, non-narcoleptic high school student on John Steinbeck

First mentioned in Aleister Crowley's 13th century tome of satanic occultism, the Heckronomicon, "Jumpin'" John Steinbeck is one of the Elder Gods, a malevolent race of super-beings that sleep in the coldest depths of R'lyeh and will rise someday to bring sanity and despair to the masses. Steinbeck goes about this by bombarding people with his short novels about migrant workers struggling in the harsh conditions of California during the Great Depression. The population of the earth will be bored to the point of insanity, and all foolish notions of morals, good and evil will be thrown aside in a violent worldwide orgy of degenerate malice. Ahhhhhhhhh.... that's sexy. Now where was I? Ah yes, the books. Assigned to high school students by Nyarthalhotep's minions in public school boards across the country, soon the foul contagion of Lord Steinbeck's novels shall be spread across the Earth.

In 19somethingorother, while writing his epically boring and uncompleted final novel, he became so bored with his own recycled plotline that he fell into a coma and died, sparing the world of whatever torment he intended to release. Those close to Steinbeck took the only hard copy of the novel to Mt. Doom and tossed it in to the volcanic mouth, not before losing a finger to a man perverted by Steinbeck's evil magic. They have not released any plot details, but have stated that the working title of the uncompleted novel was to be ".". It was that boring.

Notable Works[edit | edit source]

Of Lice and Zen[edit | edit source]

These pictures are just silly

Of Lice and Zen was published in 1937. It is the story of two migrant workers, one a retarded, giant Zen Buddhist who liked to pet soft things, and the other, a small, intelligent Christian. Together, they are trying to purchase a lice farm in western Idaho. Because the Christian named George feels bad for the Buddhist, named Lennie, he tries to convert him to Christianity. However, it was as useless as Candy's Dog, because Lennie was kicked in the head by a horse when he went to visit the black stable buck. The stable buck, whose name was Scoliosis, was quite mad about this and ordered his legions of horses to kill Lennie. While they killed his puppy and Curley's Wife, they did not manage to kill Lennie. Lennie, in his anger over the death of his puppy and Curley's wife, who had soft hair, killed Scoliosis. When he realized this was bad, he ran to the nearest river, where he experimented with hallucinogenic drugs, which let him see his dead aunt and a giant louse. George then comes and shoots Lennie, and he and Slim go into town to buy a cow

The Grapes of Math[edit | edit source]

The Grapes of Math was written in 1939. The book is set in the Great Depression and describes a family of Mathematicians, the Toads, who were driven from their land due to the lack of decimal points in the Math Book. The novel begins with Tom Toad being released from prison, which he was in because he accidentally killed an entire class of 1st graders by confusing them with algebra. He meets Preacher Tracey, who joins Tom on his family's journey to California, but eventfully is killed during a riot he started between various religious groups. On they're journey, they come across many hardships, such as high gas prices, screen doors, death, deserts, mean policemen who wanted to rape them, their car breaking down every twenty pages or so, people with breast-milk fetishes, and the runs. When they reach California, they check into the Hotel California, only to find out that they can never leave. The novel ends with a flood that ruined everything.

Insanity Row[edit | edit source]

Insanity Row is the story of a doctor who works at a mental home. The Doctor, who is simply known as the excessively uncreative "Doc" is very nice to his patients, who consider him a "bazillion" times better then the "Big Nurse", and decide to throw a party for him. Because they don't know anybody except themselves, they invite cats, frogs, a dog, an entire house of prostitutes, and a mechanic to the party. The mechanic gets lost, and never shows up. However, it turns out that everybody in a 300 mile radius knows about the party, and they all come to the asylum. The party makes a huge mess, and Big Nurse performs a lobotomy on Doc to make him pay for it. Ken Kesey"s "One Flew Over the Next Cuckoo" is based on it. UK author Jean Beckstein briefly accused Steinbeck of plagiarising "Cameley Road", her novel about the goings on in the Somerset village of Temple Cloud until she forgot about it.

The Pearl[edit | edit source]

The Pearl is credited as being "the worst book ever". Not the highlight of his career. (Spoiler Alert) There is not a pearl in this book. (End Spoiler Alert)

Personal Life[edit | edit source]

John Steinbeck was not gay. Actually, he had three wives. WIVES! Not husbands, he only had one husband!