User:Kippy/Saved/World War XII

“The world really sucked after it... ya know with the lack of young men and all.”

~ Oscar Wilde on World War XII

World War XII
Ronald McDonald addressing his troops.
Date: 2245-2259
Place: The World
Outcome: Fast Food Forces Victory
Combatants
Fast Food Forces	Aquarium Alliance
Political affiliation
卐 Fascist	☭ Socialist
Commanders
Ronald McDonald	Colonel Sanders
Strength
16,535,654	15,432,399,841
Casualties
16,535,653	6,647,983,572

After the notablely inconspicuous absence of World War XI, cancelled due to bad light spoiling play, World War XII was the single bloodiest war in the history of history. A total of 30 billion people, 375 billion fish, 18 million kittens, 3 million kitten huffers, and 16 grues died and $894,000,000,000,000 was spent on the war that accomplish nothing in the way of... well anything frankly. What did come out of the war was a nuclear armageddon, the unnecessary death of billions, global chaos, and voter apathy. Somehow It magically reunited the world after the damage from World War X

Start

Earth a few minutes after the nuclear war started.

Lasted from 2245-2259. The war began when McDonalds' Fascist Dictator Ronald McDonald went to SeaWorld, to eat dolphin hearts, so as to fulfill a dare posed to him by the Hamburglar. As he passed the sea lion tank, one of the creatures called him a motherfucker. Shocked, McDonald then retorted, referring to the sea lion as an "ass pirate." Sea Lions are not well known for their diplomatic skills. So, the sea lion leapt from the tank and bitchslapped Ronald McDonald. McDonald then in turn bitchslapped the sea lion. After three hours of bitch-slapping carnage, the sea lion won (he had a pimp flipper to slap with, while McDonald only had a pimp hand), but Ronald McDonald swore revenge.

It is unknown as to why the sea lion would desire to insult and provoke a powerful corporatist entity such as McDonald. It is believed by McDonald enthusiasts that the sea lion was, in fact, a communist. Thus he was opposed to the corporate nature of fast food and the attire worn by McDonald, which the sea lion felt was an unjust mockery of the traditional clown. The Communist Party of SeaWorld clarified, by stating "A honkey dinger round the 'clanger forker pizz." This statement of unrivaled wisdom sealed discussion on the reasons for the sea lion's belligerence. One should also note the short-lived zombie outbreak that resulted from the SeaWorld occult ministry's tampering with necromancy. The zombies of Marquis de Lafayette and J.D. Salinger were known to have attacked and infected the Hamburglar, whose last words before being eaten by the reanimated celebrities were "Robble robble robble!" This, of course, being shouted as his (the Hamburglar's) intestines were ripped from his abdomen and ketchupy blood spilled out, and his rib cage cracked with De Lafayette's decomposing fist. The Hamburglar died quite brutally, to be honest. Blood everywhere. Torn in half, he was. Poor lad didn't have time to run, caught off guard by Sea World Hordes. All that remained from the discombobulated corporate icon was a black mask; as well as a rib cage, femur, pelvis, dark hat, and ulna. However, critics find the late Hamburglar's reference to the Living Dead as "robble" to be derogatory, and a case is still pending with the ACLU on whether or not the now-undead Hamburglar was guilty of wrongdoing. Regardless, the sea lion's dabbling in black magic is far from "robble." (with apologies to the Hamburglar Estate)

The Nuclear War

As you can see these are some freaks that were horrificly mutated by the radiation from the nuclear explosion... so quit bitching about how shitty your life is.

Nice.

In a rage, McDonald visited the sage Oprah Winfrey. He asked her to drop a Nuclear Warhead on SeaWorld, and she was more then happy to kill untold numbers of people and sea life (she had not killed someone for three months, and was overcome with bloodlust). SeaWorld was reduced to ashen ruins of Marxist poppycock, but they still managed to launch some nukes before they were vaporized. Of the seven nuclear missiles SeaWorld launched, three hit Oprah's compound, one hit Canada, two hit Spain, and the last one hit your mom.The USA was angry at this, because they wanted to nuke Canada, but SeaWorld was no more, so they couldn't nuke them, so the USA just launched nuclear missles in all directions. Ronald McDonald watched in tears as the plan for world chaos and Big Macs came to fruition...

The Ground War

this is a map of the land owned by each side before the war. Fast Food Forces are red and the Aquarium Alliance is green.

After the nuclear firestorm, most of the world was covered in craters. The people left thought that it couldn't get worse, but they were wrong... DEAD WRONG. Although Seaworld was history it had an alliance with all the other aquariums of the world which promptly declared war on McDonalds by putting a flaming bag of shit in front of Ronald McDonald's home and ringing the doorbell. He stomped the shit bag and with that began the ground war. At first McDonalds forces achieved one great victory after the other but that all changed at the Siege of Miami Seaquarium. The Fast Food Forces were tricked in to thinking the Miami Seaquarium was unmanned, which led Ronald McDonald to send all his troops in. Once inside they were encircled and all 2,000,000 of his men were killed, and their organs were sold to a Chinese food mart to fund the war.

Aftermath

After the war the locusts inherited the Earth not the cockroaches. Eat that bitch!

• After the war, a nuclear winter insued, but because of global warming nothing really happened.
• The death toll was a massive 73% of the Earth's population and 68% of the world's landmasses became wasteland.
• With most of the human population vaporized, melted, or more generally killed the locusts were free to inherit the Earth not the horrible Hollywood cliché of cockroaches inheriting the Earth, or even the meek.
• The island of Jamaica was saved from nuclear death largely because all the smoke coming from the island blocked the lasers that guided the nuclear missiles.
• The Ghost of Christmas past haunts Ronald McDonald and tells him to free the people from his horrible wrath (after his death sentence).
• The United States then gained territory in Eastern China, eliminating all McDonalds from the stupid "made in china sticker" factories. Russia searched and hunted down all locust and cockroaches. Joe Stalin returned and set up a dictatorship in Russia.

Notes

• The place you live is not a nuclear wasteland, because the place you live was not hit by a nuke.
• Ronald McDonald, Oprah Winfrey, and the sea lion all lived through the war, but the sea lion mutated into having the capability to talk. He had used sea-lion "uughh! ugggh!" sounds before that.
• The sea lion wrote a book "Kiss My Flipper" the story of a rude Sea Lion, and the Twelfth World War.
• Ronald Mcdonald ended up having a fight to the death with Colonel Sanders and won. The Colonel later returned from the dead to get his revenge

See Also

• War
• Nuclear War
• Oprah Winfrey
• Ronald McDonald
• Death
• HowTo:Start a War
• bitch
• Hamburglar
• Ronald McDonald
• Chinese
• USA
• Canada
• Spain
• your mom
• motherfucker
• McDonalds
• Fast Food Wars