User:Jordguitar/4chan
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“4chan really isn't that bad. I mean, if you compare it to someone like Hitler”
The 4chan imageboard is the winner in the competition for World's Most Work-unsafe Website. If you look at 4chan from your work computer, your monitor implodes, smoke comes out of your PC and your Ethernet cable melts. Then Networks come over to your desk and beat the fucking crap out of you personally.
- Q. Explosion, smoke, melt, crap, got it. Are LCD monitors subject to explosion too, though?
- A. That depends. Do you feel lucky, punk?
It's not particularly good for viewing at home, either. In general, viewing is just a bad idea. My wife told me that if I ever browsed 4chan in her presence again, I would be divorced. I had to concede this was entirely fair and reasonable.
4chan is sometimes known as The Internet Hate Machine (not to be confused with Internet Rape Machine), but it is more commonly referred to as 4ailchan.
History[edit | edit source]
4chan was founded by the Something Awful admins to feed their ongoing obsession with animated naked furry pedophile hentai OS-Tan oil wrestling GIFs, furries having sex with animals and amusing pictures of snowy owls. It went downhill from these innocuous beginnings.
It was originally going to be named 4chin in honor of the most prominent facial feature of the average 4chan member's morbidly obese body but site registration was left up to the guy who does all the lolcats so an unnecessary vowel replacement was inevitable. The 4chin.com webdomain is currently held by the Chinese law firm of Chin, Chin, Chin and Chin and they don't feel like selling it.
4chan users are Anonymous (With a capital A). This isn't because they witnessed a Mafia hit or something. The real reason is simple wish fulfillment. Being nobody in particular is a dramatic improvement over being whoever you actually are if you're a 4chan regular. Imagine, for example, that you're a millionaire with a former beauty queen for a wife (or bodybuilder for a husband, if you're a lady). Despite your good life you can still wish that you're the Emperor Of China, have the year's entire series of Playboy (or Playgirl) centerfolds for your wives (husbands) and a magic flying horse that can talk. This is the sort of step up a 4chan user gets by becoming nobody. Being a faceless drone isn't so bad when your face resembles the greasy, toxic, barnacle encrusted hull of a sunken oil tanker.
IIchan[edit | edit source]
IIchan is worse. Their 'g' section takes your brain out, rolls it in lint, skullfucks you, puts it back, then skullfucks your mother. If you look at IIchan at work or home, you will grow zits on your palms, fingers and genitalia and never masturbate again, let alone interact with humans of any desired sex whatsoever. Then Networks will come over and beat the fucking crap out of you personally.
4chan used for information[edit | edit source]
O RLY? republishes a lot of it. Networks, of course, have a full shelf of O RLY? books. Not only do they republish a lot of IIchan material (which is why the Network guys look and smell like they do), they're big and heavy for beating the fucking crap out of the users with. If you put a pocket-sized YA RLY! just under the user's shoulder blades (This Is Your Brain In A Nutshell, On A Plane is a good one) and whack it about where the kidneys are with a baseball bat a few times, they'll piss blood for a month but not actually bruise much externally. Try it, it really works!
(If you were as fat as the guys from Networks, lived in your mother's basement, had as extensive a collection of Star Trek figurines and smelt vaguely of cat piss, you'd be prone to turn into a psychotic bastard too. Remember: the networks would work perfectly if users didn't keep fucking them up.)
4chan is often referred to as an educational website. This is only if your education consists of loli, harbl, longcat and Raptor Jesus. O RLY? Ya rly.
Stick to ordinary porn at work[edit | edit source]
And remember: your boss is still trying to work out how he can look at girlie pictures in Excel. Don't disturb his business labours.
After Networks have hunted you down like a dog[edit | edit source]
Contemplate the suicide bomber whose noble Jihadic efforts will lead to him spending eternity in the company of seventy-two Networks guys and their complete Star Trek video collections. "PICARD!" "NO, JANEWAY!" Remember: you can't kill yourself a second time.
Detailed Chan Description[edit | edit source]
To make sure Uncyclopedia had a very detailed view of 4chan, I deemed it necessary to put myself at great risk to create a detailed commentary of the different sections. It was a difficult thing to do and have since seen 3 psychiatrists, 2 psychologists, 8 neurologists and a dermatologist(don't ask), all at some hospital in New York City I can barely remember. (Its address was in the basement of the 2nd Ave. Deli, so the treatment also involved ritual circumcision. Once again, don't ask.)
/a/ - Anime & Manga[edit | edit source]
これはmanga の屑すべてが行くところである。注意しなければあなたの皮は奇妙な色を回す。これの残りは私誰も英語にこれを翻訳することを行っていない で深いであることを公正な行くこと話す屑である
、私は実際にすべてpokemon のポルノグラフィーで終わるので正常な人々がこの漫画の原料を見なかったらそれが最もよいことを考える
/b/ - Random[edit | edit source]
This is the random board, for posting random messages and images. However, that is but the intended purpose. In reality, /b/ is filled with more types of porn than even exist. In fact, much of the content posted to /b/ should not have ever existed in the first place, and the fact that it does is a testament to just how much God hates you.
If you are caught thinking about browsing /b/, Networks will come over to your desk and beat the fucking crap out of you personally. If you are caught browsing the board, you will be fired from your job, and God will send you to Super Hell, where ravens will peck at your liver, eagles will rip out your tongue, cleavers will cut out your nostrils, whips will flail your scrotum, your left leg will be cut off and used as a baseball bat against your face, your appendix will be used as a douchebag, your eyes will used as olives in a stew, your left lung will be ripped out and cooked medium rare, and your brain will be used as Taco Bell meat-stuff. God will post pictures of this on /b/. Your only consolation will be that Networks will come over and beat the fucking crap out of Him personally. (Of course, they will be smited for this, but they don't fucking care.)
Oftentimes, frequent visitors of /b/ (that is, those who escape the wrath of the Networks) will suddenly be unable to display (or in that case, even appreciate) any type of humor that doesn't involve anything from /b/. These people will often go to random message boards, do away with their normal personality, and become lurkers, only posting once in a blue moon. Their messages will now always consist of a tired meme derived from /b/ (usually something that involves cats, plays upon the war cry of 'WRRYYYYYYYYY' and, of course, DESU~), then will insult all of the other users, in a rather piss-poor attempt at trying to be cool. It's rumored that they behave this way in order to prevent death from an elusive virus contracted from the /b/ section -- a virus that causes them to lose excessive amounts of blood, provided they do not utter, or display in other types of communication, any joke that does not involve /b/.
/c/ - Anime/Cute[edit | edit source]
/c/ is /a/ with big eyes, REALLY big eyes and for paedophiles (in other words: booooooring). Supposedly standing for cute, it seems to have degenerated into how to show cartoon porn without anyone in it actually doing it. This creates a real problem for normal people, including tired donut-munching cops who can't hold down their coffee, because they know they are watching it to get off during their break on the fire escape, but can't actually do anything about it.
/ck/ - Food & Cooking[edit | edit source]
The most disturbing chan of them all.
/cgl - Cosplay & EGL/[edit | edit source]
Costume play and elegant gothic lolita. Name says it all, really. People dressing up as various things, cats, mice, Pizza Hut boxes, and 11 year old PVC addicts.
/co/ - Comics & Cartoons[edit | edit source]
Wow! Western cartoons(meaning cowboys and Indians, preferably from Texas and titled "Gunsmoke")! Unfortunately, even western cartoons are not safe from the hideous imaginations of the "artists" who post their work on this board.
/d/ - Hentai/Alternative[edit | edit source]
The Holy Grail of Japanese porn, with more mammary and vaginal action that you can shake a stick at(or put somewhere). This is another place where those who are unfamiliar with the female form go. Unfortunately, this leads to the awkward situation that arises when the user arrives at the age of 33 and has finally managed to get a girl naked: they realize that healthy women don't have size 0 waists, women generally don't have penises, women also generally don't have pieces of string sticking out of their nipples, and breasts don't go to 36ZZZ.
When it says 'alternative' you better believe it. If it is physically impossible to see something in real life, then it is here. Birds with breasts, airplanes with penises, you name it, you'll find it. And then Networks will come over and beat the fucking crap out of you personally.
/f/ - Flash[edit | edit source]
Flash Japanese porn. If it moves, fucks, has 6 breasts/tentacles and does it doggie-style with the Queen of Sheba, then you will find it here. And then Networks will come over and beat the fucking crap out of you personally.
/hr/ - High Resolution[edit | edit source]
Large pictures with super awesome quality. Lots of boobies and Star Wars and Transformers.
/r9k/ - ROBOT9000[edit | edit source]
Like /b/, but with a robot who punishes those who dare say what already has been said.
/x/ - Paranormal[edit | edit source]
Basically the same as /b/ except with ghosts instead of porn...most of the time.
Yuri and Yaoi[edit | edit source]
Both are pretty popular in Greenwich Village and San Francisco. Both would also probably tick off Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. Nuff said.
Request[edit | edit source]
Another cheap knockoff of /b/.
News[edit | edit source]
The real subject of this board is "racism", as in: "Jews Suck", "You, sir, are a tit-whoring mutherass cocksucker who doesn't know his ass from his black Mexican toes", and "Weeaboo Wapanese HA HA HA HA". What a bunch of IDIOTS!
Auto[edit | edit source]
A masturbation forum. You reach into the car's trunk, rub the engine, rub the wheels, take pictures, stick gasoline nozzles into the car trunk... ("Masturbation" is misunderstood and mispronounced as "carburetor" in some circles.)
External links[edit | edit source]
- 4chan: The Asshole of the Internet.
- Use Google, you lazy bastard. I'm not your mother.
- Oh, alright. Why /b/tards are called tards.
See also[edit | edit source]
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The article you were looking at could get you fired! If a boss or Cow-orker saw you looking at this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Then Networks will come over to your desk and beat the fucking crap out of you personally. Pity we didn't tell you at the top of the article instead of the bottom, hey. |