User:Ineedaname/General Grievous
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“Dammit, those bitches said these cough drops would work....”
“He can stick his lightsabers in me any day.”
“Dammit, those bitches said these cough drops would work....”
“Oh, this is so hilarious. I got to tell Lord Sidious. Where's my phone? Oh, yeah, right where I left it. It's a big phone, alright, certainly not mobile....Oh, Lord Sidious, I have a joke. It is so funny. Okay, Okay...Why did the chicken cross the road? To Get to the other side! HAHA! Isn't that HILARIOUS?”
“WTF?”
“Wait...what do you mean my name is also a word??”
“I really don't want to talk about that... Can we talk about something else...?”
General Grievous (born Kareem Abdul-Jabar) is the only Russian cyborg in the galaxy. He has four glowing lightsabers, which he used to seizure his opponents to death. It works. It really does. Anyways, Grievous likes Skittles and raves. I don't know why the fuck I told you that, but I did, so get used to it.
Early life[edit | edit source]
General Grievous' father was Darth Vader. Vader died of Asthma. Go figure. After that, his mother died too. And his brother. And his sister. And his dog. And his cat. And his fish. And his neighbor. And his teacher, and not to mention his monkey and entire hometown. . Grievous then bitch-slapped a bus driver and stole his bus, fleeing to the sanctuary of your grandma's butt cheeks. He then emerged a new person, ready to do whatever would make him famous in the next section of this article.
The Russian Revolution[edit | edit source]
General Grievous met Rasputin at a bus stop and instantly became a Communist. He trained in the way of the Force under him and soon had a thetan count rivaling Tom Cruise's. However, a vampire named Count Dooku, leader of the Decepticon Party, soon began a Civil War, and Grevious led the Communists against Dooku's Decepticons in a chess match. He won, after Dooku was murdered by General Kenobi. They had a Skittle party where Allah Ackbar choked on a biscuit and died.
Confrontation with Kenobi and Aftermath[edit | edit source]
Grievous' subordinate Obi-wan Kenobi then kicked him in the shinkly-baba, so Grievous now has a big cough that is really annoying. Kenobi took over Russia; Grievous fled to Poo-da-pow and was found by Obi-Wan, so he ran away again, this time kicking KENOBI in the shinkly-baba as revenge. However, Grievous began to feel odd, and this was sadly confirmed when he was revealed to have thirteen different diseases and Down's syndrome. To sum it up, Grievous found he was dying. Things became worse when Grievous was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. He had two choices: have all his organs replaced with George W. Bush's or have a washing machine stuck up his colon then turned on. Needless to say, he chose the washing machine. He had to have all of his organs stuffed in a beer bottle then put in a robot.
Grievous today (well, before the Great Bank Robbery)[edit | edit source]
Grievous worked at Taco Bell from 2002 until his death, serving tacos and giving lightsabers as Kid's Meal prizes to lucky customers. For extra money on the side, he has been cloned, transformed into a Lego minifigure, and trapped in a million boxes with other cheap, plastic bricks.It was discovered that Grevious was still at large when someone opened the freezer, which was filled with severed heads, and noticed that he had eaten all of the ice cream.
Lawsuits[edit | edit source]
Hey, remeber that rap you read about his organs being stuffed in a beer bottle? In 1982, an Californian cracked open a cold one, and downed half of an alien liver. He pressed charges against the metal man, and had to hack up 1.5 million tacos. The judge based his ruling on the classic "I don't like that slimy wheezebag" ploy, and Grievous has since admitted to being a smoker.
After Dawn's 2007 statement falsifying the alleged engagement between Grievous and herself, a full-scale investigation was launched, which led to evidence, found in late May 2007, proving that the vicious rumours started with none other that Mr. Grievous himself. Dawn responded to this revelation by filing a massive lawsuit against the cyborg. The hearings started from May 26, 2007 and finally ended on July 1, 2007 Grievous was forced, along with The National Enquirer, to contribute in giving Dawn a total of $6 million. Can't believe she won. Admiral Ozzel was shocked too.