User:Battlesheep/Howto:Become A Mad Scientist

“At first I was nothing more than a 95 pound weakling, now I am a 95 pound weakling who kills people”

~ Dr. Evil

This is my black friend. He's crazy, but i'm not crazy, not like him. Seriously, you dont want to cross this mofo

Hello, friend, my name is Dr. Charles F. Crazyman, and if you are reading this, then that means that you too are another genius tormented constantly by the ignorant fools who make up a majority of this world, thus you intend to take revenge by destroying it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

20 minutes later

...haha hehe *cough*, what are you doing here? Oh, right, sorry, now where were we? AH! yes, now I remember. Why should you trust me, you ask? Well, that is because I NEED you. Normally, I would destroy human civilization on my own, but unfortunately, those over-developed monkeys have locked me in this padded room with no access to the outside world except for this shitty website, all because they think I'm crazy, WELL MAYBE IM NOT THE CRAZY ONE! MAYBE EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS WHOLE DAMN PLANET IS CRAZY, AND I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO IS SANE! WHEN LORD XENU RETURNS, YOU ARE GOING TO BE BEGGING FOR MY FORGIVENESS!

Motivation

A future Mad Scientist

The most important part of being a mad scientist is your motivation for being one, since trying to unleash an undead horde upon a civilian populace just because "it seemed like a fun thing to do" makes you an asshole, and although we are many things, enlighteners, free thinkers, god, the one thing we aren't are assholes. A motivation can vary widely, from something good, like being shunned from society because of your appearance and/or sexual orientation, to something stupid, like not being loved by your parents. Here are some other examples:

• "I was bullied by the cool kids throughout High School": a classic.

• "My grandfather touched me when I was five years old": over 6 billion people should pay for the actions of a horny old man.

• "My girlfriend is cheating on me": very rare since not very many mad scientists ever come close to anything that resembles a woman.

• "I'm on my period":great if you can pull it off as a male.

• "Humans are a bunch of ignorant fools and total annihilation is the only way to fix it":that's stating facts.

• "I got pwnd":Damn you AZNHAXXOR1337!

• "I want to become the supreme ruler of earth":Easy if everyone is dead, as there will be no one to bitch about their problems.

• "Because the voices in my head tell me to":My voices tell me the same thing, and that I must slay the infidels in the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

• "There is a secret society ruling the world behind the scenes that must be stopped":That is why I always wear a tinfoil hat.

• "The World is unclean, I must make it pure":Nothing says "cleansing" like a nuclear holocaust.

Financing

These things practically eat money, and incompetent henchmen

Now that you have a motivation, the next thing you need to do is to get cash, and lots of it. Mad Science isn't cheap, the frikin' sharks with frikin' laser beams attached to their frikin' heads will set you back at least half a billion dollars.

Most Mad Scientists don't have trouble getting enough money, as all they have to do is patent a few inventions and get billions in royalties, but people, being the dumbasses we seek to destroy, sometimes dont appreciate true genius when they see it, like my screen door for a submarine. I mean, have you ever been in a submarine? Its all hot and smelly if you don't open a door or a window, but if you do, you get all sorts of unwelcome pests like fish and crabs. With a screen door, both problems are eliminated! DAMN YOU FOOLS! I AM YOUR LORD AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH! YOU WILL PERISH FOR YOUR INSOLENCE AND GO TO HELL, WHERE YOU WILL BE MADE TO PREFORM GOATSE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

Anyway, one way to get plenty of Mad Sciencing money is by the lottery. Now, typically, the lottery is nothing more than a tax on people who are bad at math, as people who are good at math know that there is such a low probability of winning that you would sooner get laid than win. However, since you are a Mad Scientist, then you could just use your Mad Science to rig the results, or you can get your giant-bunny-friend-who-nobody-can-see-but-you to tell you the winning number, because he would never lie to you. If all else fails, whore yourself out, but I don't recommend that, because trust me, you have no idea how many blowjobs it takes to earn enough Mad Sciencing money.

Costume

Booooring

Now that you have secured enough money, it is time to create one of the most defining characteristic of a Mad Scientist, the Costume. Dressing up in just a lab coat is the clear mark of a n00b Mad Scientist, so avoid that at all costs. The ideal Mad Scientist costume says "Yes, I can poison the Earth's drinking water supply with a deadly neurotoxin and Yes, I am crazy enough to do it". Usually, this appearance can be created with bright colors and skin-tight spandex. A good rule of thumb to use is the more gay looking the costume, the better. But be careful not to make it look too gay, you want people to think you are going to kill them, not attend a gay pride parade. (though some people think the two are the same)

Henchmen

Now it is time to assemble the workforce of your operation, the henchmen. These henchmen will be vital to constructing your secret lair and your super weapon, as well as providing security against the protagonist, which i will get to later. Although you should have an ass-load of money by now, you should still pinch your pennies so you can buy the expensive cat food for your kitty, which you will either keep as a pet or huff(either way works, though i prefer the latter).

Lex Luthor getting some new henchmen, at least 3 of them will be dead by the end of the day

Illegal Immigrants make the best henchmen, as they take low wages, there's like a zillion of them, and they cant complain to the government for fear of being deported. Besides, considering the horrible things you are going to do, the INS will be the least of your problems.

If you want to add a little ironic retribution to the mix, you could hire your old childhood bullies. By now, they probably dropped out of high school and need the work to support their pregnant girlfriend's heroin addiction.

Now that you got your henchmen, it is time to create their costumes. Their costumes should be similar to yours in design, but more uncomfortable and more gay. Your henchmen are scum and should be treated as such. In fact, you should regularly kill one for failing to accomplish a task that even you know is impossible, such as finding you a girlfriend. That way, the other henchmen will know who is the boss.

Now its time to train the henchmen. Most henchmen are too stupid to learn much so you should train only the most essential henchman skill; not hitting the protagonist. Even though it may seem counter-intuitive, the protagonist should not be killed BEFORE you put him in the easily escapable overelaborate killing device, which we will get to later. A skilled henchman should be able to unload an SMG at point blank range at the protagonist and not hit him/her once.

Secret Lair

A secret lair is just that, a place for you and your divine plans reside away from the prying eyes of the people you seek to destroy. A secret base needs to be hidden so general law enforcement or the military wont find it, but still exposed enough so that the protagonist will find it. Almost anywhere can be a suitable location for a secret lair as long as it isnt your mom's basement, because the last thing you need is to postpone the activation of your death ray because you have to take out the trash.

DoomsDay Weapon

Now for the part that makes one truly a Mad Scientist, The DoomsDay Weapon, for without it, one is only an Irate Scientist. This device will be your masterpiece, with which you will eliminate the swines that call themselves man and make this world a place fit for the gods!

This part needs no instruction, since you should be able to make a doomsday weapon on your own, being a mad scientist and all. However, since you don't necessarily have to build it yourself, you could always get an ex-soviet nuclear scientist to construct it for you. They're like the mexican dayworkers of doomsday weaponry, just ask Iran!

The Protagonist

The Protagonist is simply someone who is trying to stop you from carrying out your plan. Either he is a Spy working for the government or a Super Hero. In either case, the best way to capture him/her is to first kidnap his/her Bitch/BoyToy and threaten to kill them unless they surrender, which seems kinda pointless on their part, since you are just going to put them both in the easily escapable over elaborate killing device. Under no circumstance should you screw the bitch/boytoy! I know this is your only chance to get laid but it is bad etiquette(and she probably has more STD's than most street prostitutes).

Spy

Spies are tricky bastards who sneak into your secret lair to sabotage things. After preforming hours of research on them in TF2, I have discovered 3 simple rules to keep your lair safe.

(1) Equip several henchmen with flame throwers and have them randomly torch the other henchmen. If they torch a normal henchman, he will be unharmed, if they torch a spy in disguise, the spy will catch on fire and die. You'd be suprised how many spies you can find using this method.

If you see this on a wall, chances are there is a spy right behind you

(2) Shoot at anybody who gets near your Sentrygun. Spies hate sentryguns, they are drawn to it like flies on a corpse to try to disable it with their Electro-Sappers. Don't worry if you accidentally shoot and kill one of the henchmen by doing this, you can always get more.

(3) If one of your henchmen sprays something on the wall near you PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF SATAN DONT LOOK AT IT! if you do, you will be pwnd!

Super Hero

A super hero is someone who got super powers by huffing too many kittens or was bitten by a radioactive grue. They can easily be identified, as they usually wear a costume that's more gay than yours. Super heroes are usually easy to beat, as they all have some sort of weakness, like Kryptonite or money. Also, all super heroes are pussies, meaning that if you take a hostage, they will surrender, even though that old lady you kidnapped is going to die anyway if your plan to release an army of genetically-engineered cougars succeeds.

Easily Escapable Over Elaborate Killing Device

Now that you have captured the protagonist and his/her bitch/boytoy, it is time for them to be executed, but a simple gunshot to the head will not suffice, oh no, for attempting to disrupt your grand scheme, the only suitable death is one forged from your beautiful geniusness to ensure that their death is slow yet painful. You need an EASILY ESCAPABLE OVER ELABORATE KILLING DEVICE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU SHALL BE THE FIRST OF MANY TO TASTE SWEET OBLIVION AS I PURGE THE WORLD OF ALL WHO ARE UNWORTHY OF CTHULHU!!!!

Anyway, if you are lazy, you can just use the frikin' sharks with frikin' laser beams attached to their frikin' heads, but you lose points for not being original. There are many different ways of doing it, such as cutting him in half with a laser from the gonads up, get a large black man fresh out of prison to sodomize him to death, or just strap him to a chair and make him listen to Vogon Poetry.

After you have started the device and ensured their eventual doom, it is time to leave the killing chamber. You are a very busy person trying to destroy the world, you have no time to make sure that the protagonist who is trying to stop you will die, that is the job of 1 or 2 easily killable henchmen, so leave them there as you feed/huff your cat.

The Demand

Now with the protagonist out of the way, it is time to contact the leaders of the world, tell them that you are going to destroy the world if you don't get infinity-gillion dollars. They aren't going to pay, since that's not a real number, and even if they did, then you should still kill them anyway. What? If we don't want the money anyway, why do we ask? YOU DARE QUESTION MY WILL? I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY LASER EYES! *ungh* damn, They must have stolen them. Okay, just do it, dont ask why, just do it.

End Of The Human Race

Now is the time that you have been waiting for, as in just a few minutes, your plan will come to fruition, and billions of people who you have never met before will die for your suffering that they weren't responsible for. As the countdown approaches zero, and the protagonist is out of the way, NOTHING CAN STOP YOU NOW! BWAHAHAHAHAHA...

...Oh Shit! The Protagonist!

How did he/she escape from the easily escapable over elaborate killing device! Henchmen! Kill him/her! No! Stop missing him/her! Damn it, why did you train them to miss the protagonist! No matter, he/she wont be able to stop your doomsday device in time!

Computer: The doomsday device will activate in T minus 10 seconds. 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Protagonist: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!(presses abort button)

Computer: Doomsday device activation aborted. Your base will self-destruct for no apparent reason. All your base are belong to us. Thank you and have a nice day :)

Shit, now you wont get your deposit back for your secret lair. Now its time to get into the escape pod. If you haven't huffed your kitty yet, now is the time to do it. Don't worry, its not over yet. You can count on a sequel, as Hollywood writers are too lazy to make anything original.