User:ArrowFlint22/World War 0

The World War to start them ALL!

For the comparatively-minor conflict involving the United States and the British Empire, see "World War 0".

World War 0, also referred to as WW0, The World War that Never Happened, or World War Nothing is a global conflict that happened before the dawn of humanity and during the first few centuries of humanity. This entry into the World War anime series is not well known and many do not consider it to be cannon. The War took place from 0 B.C.- 1700 AD. between two alliances United Alliance of Heaven (UAOH) Which consisted of the Empire of Heaven, The Mormon Republic, and the unicorn kingdom. The Greater forces of Hellfire (GFOH): The Hell Empire, the pre-Nazis, and the pre-Leftists. The UAOH was made up of nations that advocated for peace and prosperity and were the good people and the GFOH are da bad guys, because they abort and eat babies, nuke people, and send people to death camps. That seems very bad and they are bad people I guess.

Total estimated deaths on both sides were 9,000,000,000, of which uncontrolled hydroplaning contributed to at least 99 percent. This makes World War 0 the second deadliest conflict in universal history.

Background

Empire of Heaven

Eve is being quite an asshat right now.

God had successfully taken control as Supreme Leader of Heaven after fighting for the position with 25 other gods that were born from the Mother of God in a drunken bar fight at the local pub. After winning and successfully beating his 25 brothers and sisters, God soon addressed many of Heaven's problems such as the declining economy from the recent economic depression, the terrible oil prices, and organized crime. Afterwards he decided upon a side project in his spare time, because he was bored as fuck and created the planet "Earth". He made it a lush with vegetation and created humans, because he wondered what would happen if he created self-aware life. The first two humans being known as the "Adam" and the "Eve". These two humans would be the spark of the conflict. Originally God let these two happily frolic around naked in a lovely garden and they didn't have to worry about hunger or thirst or being evil or anything because they didn't posses knowledge of sin and that must sound like fun so I guess, but then for some reason God put a tree there that gave them sin if they ate its apples like a complete dumbass. I mean what kind of idiot says that they don't want people to do bad stuff but then encourages them to do bad stuff? That's pure hypocrisy. Anyways Eve decides to spite god, because she is a fucking rebel and now they sinned and they're pretty sorry about it afterwards, so you think God would forgive them, right? But NOOOOOO! He just tells them to piss off like a complete asshole. Wow what the hell man. Anyways Hell's forces see this as an opportunity to corrupt people and lure them to eternal hellfire and damnation and yada yada yada and whatever the hell those dumb Puritans and Catholics describe hell as.

The Hell Empire

Hell, after suffering multiple genocides due to the Hell Civil War needed new inhabitants to populate their world. They decided to stop another genocide of their own people they needed to find a suitable victim to torture. They called these victims "sinners" and they had to look for these sinners to direct the intent to harm of the native population on someone else to avoid suicidal genocide in the future. No creature had sin at the time so their search was very very hard. They eventually found the new creations of God known as "humans" and learned they recently sinned just because they ate a stupid fucking apple off a dumb tree thanks to the help of their current leader "Satan". They found these human people to be great candidates and started trying to corrupt them with evil which is how we get people like Adolf Hitler, George Soros, Justin Bieber, etc.

War breaks out

The Heaven Empire did not like the fact that hell was trying to corrupt humans so they instantly declared war on the Hell Empire. This prompted other universal nations to join forces with the two sides which formed the two alliances. The Mormon Republic instantly joined sides with Heaven, and the Unicorns taking sympathy with heaven (because unicorns are good guys like Heaven I guess?) decided to join them and this formed UAOH. The GFOH was formed when the pre-Nazis, and pre-Leftists were looking for human babies to abort because of their firm beliefs in eugenics. They decided to do the easy thing and side with Hell to easily get their abortions.

The War

Unicorn Invasion of Hell

A Unicorn Soldier

The Unicorn Kingdom took swift action instantly carpet bombing Hell with rainbow bombs and then landed ground troops which charged the enemy with their trusty rainbow AR-15s that shot glitter bullets. This swift form of warfare was called Rainbowkreig and instantly fucked up half of Hell. The Unicorn attacks were quite devastating, and hit and run attacks from Heaven's Angel Army lowered the Hellfire Army's troop morale. The pre-Nazis and pre-Leftists instantly came to the aid of Hell to set up a defensive wall to stop the angels and unicorns from attacking and it was called the Hellinot Line, but UAOH forces could just easily go around (the French would make the same mistake as Hell in World War 2). GFOH were stuck on the defensive mostly for the first part of the war.

A demo of the Rainbow AR-15. The glitter can't be seen because it flies faster than the speed of sound.

The Hell Empire Strikes Back

The Hell Empire decides to fucking make a good come back against the UAOH due to the fact they're getting totally rekt in the war by the Angel Army and the Unicorn Army. Not to mention that God kept destroying any demons that played Apex Legends. Hell realized they needed to strike back and fast. They had to corrupt more humans. God told his bro Abraham to start Judaism to combat this corruption, but this still did not do much to combat demonic corruption on Earth. Eventually he decided to flood the Earth to rid it of sin and fix the fuck up he made with the Garden of Eden. He tells some random dude named Noah to put 2 of every animal on the planet on some giant boat made completely from wood that is bigger than the goddamn Titanic (how the hell is that possible during the time period that takes place?) and sail away and that should make everything happy and peachy again and the demons should die off and go extinct with no sinners to make into their bitches right? Right? WRONG! That didn't do shit, because sinners were still born afterwards and the 2 of every animals on Earth made sinning babies and shit and that was BAD BAD BAD! God clearly needed a new course of action.

Jesus

Jesus was God's next big solution to ending this shit storm of a war that happened in many worlds. God would created a man that was 100% himself and 100% humanoid give him a funny name and send him to Earth to fix everything. That is exactly what he did and so Jesus was born in the world to preach to people to be good for a few years and then be lashed to a cross by Caesar's Legion (a band of Roman Legionary cos-players) and die for people's sins and everything would be A-okay!

It was for the most part! A new religion was started that MOSTLY absolved people of sin. Catholic priests could be used to perform exorcisms on people to free them from being enslaved by demons, but the downside is that those priests are pedophiles so don't let them near your kids. Even then battles with other religions like Islam which were created by the Devil himself were common and Hell used these religions to try and stop Christianity from thriving, but ultimately failed.

The Witch Trial Controversy

Many citizens of Heaven thought God was taking this whole Christianity thing way to far, because there were people from Europe in dorky looking black outfits with funny hats lynching some of their own people due to the fact they thought that they were witches. Angels did not like seeing the people of Earth lynch their own over a prequel to the Red Scare, but nobody really did anything about it and the humans were left to sort things out themselves.

The Hell Offensive

Hell decided to take the fight back to Heaven rather than Earth and started the Hell Offensive. A military offensive that lasted 5 months. They attack utilized the same tactics of the unicorns and rainbowkreig was used by the Hellfire Army, however as their own twist on it known as Hellkreig. They would carpet bomb Unicorn Land and Heaven with Napalm and Agent Orange. The UAOH tried their darndest to hold off their attackers, but ultimately it was a hell victory and resulted in half the land in Heaven and Unicorn Land being taken by Hell, any prisoners being sent to Nazi Death Camps.

The Diss Track and the final attack on Hell

God made a diss track about Satan to roast him which absolutely triggered Satan just for the hell of it. He then decided to gather his forces together and push hell out of Heaven and Unicorn Land. The liberation forces freed people from death camps and ultimately put Hell back in its place: The basement of the multiverse.

The Treaty of Heavenburg

Named after the Capitol city of Heaven in which the treaty was negotiated, The Treaty of Heavenburg was the conditional surrender of GFOH forces to the UAOH. It stated the following:

1. Stop trying to invade Heaven and Unicorn land.
2. Say you like Mormons or get fucked in the ass by a thermo-nuclear warhead.
3. Hell must make its slogan: "We are very gay and big smelly poo poos" and write it on every billboard in Hell
4. Stop possessing humans
5. Stop making humans eat apples, because we here in Heaven hate apples and think they are inferior beings.
6. Don't transform into snakes. Snakes are fucking gay.
7. Stop turning Catholic priests into pedos. That shit is also gay.
8. You lewzerz must get spanked every day for being bad and doing bad things.
9. Give us all your money we are putting you in economic depression, because we think your stupid.
10. Get rekt.

Overall Hell did not like this treaty so they decided to later get revenge by creating individuals such as Adolf Hitler and Kaiser Wilhelm II to start two more world wars. This would of course ultimately be a success, except for the comparatively short time between the wars when there was peace.