UnNews:South Carolina forces women to think with their vagina

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

23 March 2007

Teens line up to view cooter shots. One remarked, "This is awesome!"

COLUMBIA, South Carolina -- Governor Fred Sanford has endorsed a reasonable proposal in the South Carolina Legislature and BBQ Grill that would force unmarried women considering having sex for the first time to see a digital photo of their hymen beforehand. The hymen contains a long, thick, curly, mucusy hair.Anti-choice activists claim that cooter shots have proven to be totally effective in helping to scare the shit out of women considering sex before marriage.

Sanford admiring photos of women's beavers.

"I know snatch is sacred, and let's face it sex is dirty and messy and really needs to stay in the confines of a marriage where eventually both parties won't even think about it anymore. As the Governor of a backwards crazy Christian hillbilly state, I know that we need to always err on the side of bat fuck insanity," the governor said in a statement that he mistakenly sent to his former mistress, Donna Harris, who then released it to the press on Tuesday.

American Civil Liberties Union lawyer, Amboo Lans Chayser, has vowed to fight the proposed legislation in court claiming it's unconstitutional. "No where in the constitution does it read that a woman or a man must view the female's ugly bits before an act of coitus can commence. Sure I've had my tongue down there but what kind of Sick Bastard would want to look at that anyway? Oh! Sorry, I need to run, I'm defending a 13 year olds right to wear a balaclava and carry a loaded AK47 to class as not doing so would infringe upon of his religious freedom. He's a Pastafarian."

A local sex shop owner had this comment for UnNews, as he handed the boom mike operator his KY Jelly purchase. "The governor's problem is that he's putting the pussy on a pedestal. No need to over complicate things with love, commitment and that monogamy crap."

When the owner was asked if he had a girlfriend, he responded, "We just broke it off last week. But hey, I have all this porn. What more can a guy want... Do you know any single broads?"

UnNews tried to get a woman's perspective on the legislation, but we continually got laughed at by all the females we approached. Just like high school. Bitches!

This is some hectic thing going on here and once those gals see what's in their clits, they're probably going to be a virgin for the rest of their life. :)

Sources

• "South Carolina Governor Endorses Abortion-Ultrasound Bill as House Votes" Life News, March 20, 2007